HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately

pilots_wife · 11-24-2006, 09:55 PM

I apologize in advance for my complaining, but i just gotta get it out to someone else who might feel my pain, at least just alittle:

My hubby has been on reserve in a different city and state since Feb. So far it had been OK, and we'd been dealing with living apart and his crazy/stupid schedule. But, I guess since the holidays are here, he is being almost unbearable! First of all, he HATES being by himself, and he's had soooo many days that he's on reserve in Orlando sitting by himself in his apartment all day and I'm in St. Louis going about my normal routine. This makes him NO FUN to talk to on the phone, at all. Now, add that same crappy schedule into the holidays and ka-bam! it sucks!!!

And I'm frustrated because he's blaming everything on me instead of just saying, "I'm sad and lonely" he's saying, "why are you like that?" or "why'd you do that?" or something similar. Then I start chasing that problem trying to fix it and in the mean time, that wasn't really the problem at all! Then he's mad at me for not knowing that the problem is he's sad and lonely during the holidays - but seriously, I figured that would be an issue, but since he started getting upset with me over other things, I focused on the other things rather than the real issue

I love him so much, and he's wonderful, but he's saying I'm not supportive, and I'm not being a good wife, and I realllllly don't know what I'm doing wrong

. It breaks my heart to know that he feels let down by me. All he says is I'm not supportive, or I'm not paying attention to his needs or feelings. And, to me, I am soooo supportive, I never complain about him being gone, I'm very independant, I make sure I have all of my time (unless I'm at work) to spend with him while he's home, I take care of all the bills, social plans, house hold chores and maintanece, car maintanence...I mean, you name it, I do it. He just has to come home and just BE here. So, can anyone shed some light on this? Am I being blind to something that I just don't see?

Bigsweetie · 11-25-2006, 09:28 AM

I've had the same issues with my DH in the past.

Frankly, he has NO RIGHT to take his loneliness out on you by saying hurtful things to you. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms, that if he's lonely and sad, you'd be happy to talk to him about it, but saying mean things like "you're not supportive" is not going to be tolerated.

When Eric would get like that (he never said I wasn't supportive, but he'd take it out on me in other petty ways) i'd hang up the phone on him. I'm his wife, and I love him, but if he can't be grown up enough to deal with what's really bugging him and handle it in a grown up fashion, I have to remove myself from the conversation.

I usually say to him "I already have a baby at home, and that's Emily... NOT YOU!"

I understand that they get bored, lonely, etc. and it really sucks around the holidays especially. But to say mean/hurtful things to you and to basically "pick fights" with you isn't the right way to handle it.

Sorry, that sounds like my own rant.

My advice- don't continue the conversation til he's ready to treat you with respect.

pilots_wife · 11-25-2006, 11:13 AM

Thank you for your support! Its nice to know someone else has had a situation that is similar to mine!

roz · 11-25-2006, 08:38 PM

Wow, I'm having a hard time with this--forgive me if I come off harsh. DH always found things to do while sitting on reserve. Whether it was getting involved in sports conducive to the area or what. This is the holiday season. He could volunteer to help somnewhere--knowing he could be called away. There is no excuse for sitting around waiting for the company to call! You just have to be within reporting time. If he's not comfortable with doing that, he should get a library card and start reading. There's nothing wrong with that! To take it out on you is WRONG!

OK, I'm off the soap box!

i2r2 · 11-26-2006, 09:48 AM

Why do we do that? It seems like people (myself included) tend to take out their frustrations and be mean to the people that they love the most and should be nicest to.

He is unhappy and you are the most easily accessible "whipping boy". What he is doing is normal but still not acceptable. It seems like he needs a bit of a reality check. When my DH gets like that I remind him of his options. He is, like most pilots, most happy when he is flying. There are trade-offs to having his "dream" job. He has to take the good with the bad.

You also need to tell him in no uncertain terms how his actions are hurting you. It sounds like you are doing MORE than your fair share to try to accomodate him and his profession.

You need to ask him (if you haven't already)... what does supportive mean to him? If he says that you aren't being supportive, what would you need to do to fix that? Don't get me wrong, I think you are doing great but I'm curious what he means when he says that.

Good luck and hang in there!!!!

Kristie · 11-26-2006, 11:03 AM

he sounds like he's the girl of the relationship and your the guy, trying to solve the problems he's having...the problem is, you can't solve his problems only he can solve his problems.. if he's lonely and feeling alone, he needs to do like we all do and do stuff to keep him busy while he's gone. that'll help take away the loneliness...

sometimes, one of the things you can do is start calling him unexpectantly just to say "hi" or to see how he's doing. he'll see that (if he gets a clue) that it's extra attention from you because at this point, while he's away.. all you can do is call him more and unexpected calls really can help.

but really, he needs to work on this himself....work on a hobby while he's gone, volunteer like roz mentioned would be great not only for him but for those he's helping, expand his knowledge with a good book or side career.. who knows but he needs to start doing something and stop putting the blame on you because it's not warranted, justified or right.

pilots_wife · 11-26-2006, 12:37 PM

Thanks everybody! I think what he means by me not being supportive is he feels like I don't care, and it doesn't bother me that he's away so much. Kristy, your suggestion is right on, I need to call him more when he's not expecting it to let him know that I am thinking of him. He is very sweet and also very emotional. He will write me emails out of the blue that are filled with praises and how much he loves me. And, I really don't recipricate. I'm not as verbal as he is, so its easy for him to feel unsupported when I don't verbalize it somehow.

He was telling me about how on Thanksgiving, he helped make sure his captain got home to his family intime for dinner, and his captain was telling him how he and his wife were taking their little girl to disney on friday, and it all sounded so great, then my DH had to drive home by himself to an apartment that was empty, and I only talked to him for a little while. It does sound bad, and I'm sure he's miserable

I just wish I could help more.

lucky81698 · 11-26-2006, 06:49 PM

Looks like everyone gave you good advice. Hey at least he is in Orlando. He could be stuck at a crashpad like my DH has, in Elizabeth.NJ (EWR) with a liquor store next door and all the yahoos going in and out of there, not to mention the hookers out front of his house! Having to cross 4 lanes of traffic to get there from the hotel across the street at night isn't fun! (The actual house is decent inside, just bad location, but then again what is a good location around EWR!) So he doesn't have it so bad after all!

My DH spent Thanksgiving in PHX sick as a dog, after getting in 2.5 hours late at 430 am our time! Ate a hamburger at Denny's for his "turkey day dinner". This was the first year he hasn't made it home since he somehow always has gotten holidays off over the last 11 years.

roz · 11-26-2006, 09:21 PM

Jan, please let your DH know that, if he is ever stuck in EWR to call me!

roz · 11-26-2006, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilots_wife

Thanks everybody! I think what he means by me not being supportive is he feels like I don't care, and it doesn't bother me that he's away so much. Kristy, your suggestion is right on, I need to call him more when he's not expecting it to let him know that I am thinking of him. He is very sweet and also very emotional. He will write me emails out of the blue that are filled with praises and how much he loves me. And, I really don't recipricate. I'm not as verbal as he is, so its easy for him to feel unsupported when I don't verbalize it somehow.

He was telling me about how on Thanksgiving, he helped make sure his captain got home to his family intime for dinner, and his captain was telling him how he and his wife were taking their little girl to disney on friday, and it all sounded so great, then my DH had to drive home by himself to an apartment that was empty, and I only talked to him for a little while. It does sound bad, and I'm sure he's miserable

I just wish I could help more.

Well, that Captain stinks as a person! Last year on Thanksgiving, DH had an overnight close to home. I made sure that his flying partner knew he was invited. I made Thanksgiving dinner and drove it to them--fine china and good wine and all. It would have been the right thing if the Captain had invited your DH to dinner for heavens sake! Guys don't think that way, generally.

But as for volunteering, I'm certain that any of the many soup kitchens in Orlando would have welcomed him to work! Far better to do that than to sit around moping!

11-24-2006, 09:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
pilots_wife Jetgirls Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 63 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately I apologize in advance for my complaining, but i just gotta get it out to someone else who might feel my pain, at least just alittle: My hubby has been on reserve in a different city and state since Feb. So far it had been OK, and we'd been dealing with living apart and his crazy/stupid schedule. But, I guess since the holidays are here, he is being almost unbearable! First of all, he HATES being by himself, and he's had soooo many days that he's on reserve in Orlando sitting by himself in his apartment all day and I'm in St. Louis going about my normal routine. This makes him NO FUN to talk to on the phone, at all. Now, add that same crappy schedule into the holidays and ka-bam! it sucks!!! And I'm frustrated because he's blaming everything on me instead of just saying, "I'm sad and lonely" he's saying, "why are you like that?" or "why'd you do that?" or something similar. Then I start chasing that problem trying to fix it and in the mean time, that wasn't really the problem at all! Then he's mad at me for not knowing that the problem is he's sad and lonely during the holidays - but seriously, I figured that would be an issue, but since he started getting upset with me over other things, I focused on the other things rather than the real issue I love him so much, and he's wonderful, but he's saying I'm not supportive, and I'm not being a good wife, and I realllllly don't know what I'm doing wrong . It breaks my heart to know that he feels let down by me. All he says is I'm not supportive, or I'm not paying attention to his needs or feelings. And, to me, I am soooo supportive, I never complain about him being gone, I'm very independant, I make sure I have all of my time (unless I'm at work) to spend with him while he's home, I take care of all the bills, social plans, house hold chores and maintanece, car maintanence...I mean, you name it, I do it. He just has to come home and just BE here. So, can anyone shed some light on this? Am I being blind to something that I just don't see? __________________ Visit my online boutique: OnlineDiva.com

11-25-2006, 09:28 AM	#2 (permalink)
Bigsweetie Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Clinton Township, Michigan Posts: 1,561 Recipes: Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately I've had the same issues with my DH in the past. Frankly, he has NO RIGHT to take his loneliness out on you by saying hurtful things to you. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms, that if he's lonely and sad, you'd be happy to talk to him about it, but saying mean things like "you're not supportive" is not going to be tolerated. When Eric would get like that (he never said I wasn't supportive, but he'd take it out on me in other petty ways) i'd hang up the phone on him. I'm his wife, and I love him, but if he can't be grown up enough to deal with what's really bugging him and handle it in a grown up fashion, I have to remove myself from the conversation. I usually say to him "I already have a baby at home, and that's Emily... NOT YOU!" I understand that they get bored, lonely, etc. and it really sucks around the holidays especially. But to say mean/hurtful things to you and to basically "pick fights" with you isn't the right way to handle it. Sorry, that sounds like my own rant. My advice- don't continue the conversation til he's ready to treat you with respect.

11-25-2006, 11:13 AM	#3 (permalink)
pilots_wife Jetgirls Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 63 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately Thank you for your support! Its nice to know someone else has had a situation that is similar to mine! __________________ Visit my online boutique: OnlineDiva.com

11-25-2006, 08:38 PM	#4 (permalink)
roz Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Philly Posts: 2,252 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately Wow, I'm having a hard time with this--forgive me if I come off harsh. DH always found things to do while sitting on reserve. Whether it was getting involved in sports conducive to the area or what. This is the holiday season. He could volunteer to help somnewhere--knowing he could be called away. There is no excuse for sitting around waiting for the company to call! You just have to be within reporting time. If he's not comfortable with doing that, he should get a library card and start reading. There's nothing wrong with that! To take it out on you is WRONG! OK, I'm off the soap box!

11-26-2006, 09:48 AM	#5 (permalink)
i2r2 Jetgirls Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: MI Posts: 43 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately Why do we do that? It seems like people (myself included) tend to take out their frustrations and be mean to the people that they love the most and should be nicest to. He is unhappy and you are the most easily accessible "whipping boy". What he is doing is normal but still not acceptable. It seems like he needs a bit of a reality check. When my DH gets like that I remind him of his options. He is, like most pilots, most happy when he is flying. There are trade-offs to having his "dream" job. He has to take the good with the bad. You also need to tell him in no uncertain terms how his actions are hurting you. It sounds like you are doing MORE than your fair share to try to accomodate him and his profession. You need to ask him (if you haven't already)... what does supportive mean to him? If he says that you aren't being supportive, what would you need to do to fix that? Don't get me wrong, I think you are doing great but I'm curious what he means when he says that. Good luck and hang in there!!!!

11-26-2006, 11:03 AM	#6 (permalink)
Kristie Admin/Owner Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Scottsdale, Arizona Posts: 6,631 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 17 Times in 17 Posts	Re: HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately he sounds like he's the girl of the relationship and your the guy, trying to solve the problems he's having...the problem is, you can't solve his problems only he can solve his problems.. if he's lonely and feeling alone, he needs to do like we all do and do stuff to keep him busy while he's gone. that'll help take away the loneliness... sometimes, one of the things you can do is start calling him unexpectantly just to say "hi" or to see how he's doing. he'll see that (if he gets a clue) that it's extra attention from you because at this point, while he's away.. all you can do is call him more and unexpected calls really can help. but really, he needs to work on this himself....work on a hobby while he's gone, volunteer like roz mentioned would be great not only for him but for those he's helping, expand his knowledge with a good book or side career.. who knows but he needs to start doing something and stop putting the blame on you because it's not warranted, justified or right. __________________ www.jetcareers.com

11-26-2006, 12:37 PM	#7 (permalink)
pilots_wife Jetgirls Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 63 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately Thanks everybody! I think what he means by me not being supportive is he feels like I don't care, and it doesn't bother me that he's away so much. Kristy, your suggestion is right on, I need to call him more when he's not expecting it to let him know that I am thinking of him. He is very sweet and also very emotional. He will write me emails out of the blue that are filled with praises and how much he loves me. And, I really don't recipricate. I'm not as verbal as he is, so its easy for him to feel unsupported when I don't verbalize it somehow. He was telling me about how on Thanksgiving, he helped make sure his captain got home to his family intime for dinner, and his captain was telling him how he and his wife were taking their little girl to disney on friday, and it all sounded so great, then my DH had to drive home by himself to an apartment that was empty, and I only talked to him for a little while. It does sound bad, and I'm sure he's miserable I just wish I could help more. __________________ Visit my online boutique: OnlineDiva.com

11-26-2006, 06:49 PM	#8 (permalink)
lucky81698 Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: 1 Posts: 867 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately Looks like everyone gave you good advice. Hey at least he is in Orlando. He could be stuck at a crashpad like my DH has, in Elizabeth.NJ (EWR) with a liquor store next door and all the yahoos going in and out of there, not to mention the hookers out front of his house! Having to cross 4 lanes of traffic to get there from the hotel across the street at night isn't fun! (The actual house is decent inside, just bad location, but then again what is a good location around EWR!) So he doesn't have it so bad after all! My DH spent Thanksgiving in PHX sick as a dog, after getting in 2.5 hours late at 430 am our time! Ate a hamburger at Denny's for his "turkey day dinner". This was the first year he hasn't made it home since he somehow always has gotten holidays off over the last 11 years.

11-26-2006, 09:21 PM	#9 (permalink)
roz Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Philly Posts: 2,252 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: HELP! Lots of "bad" days lately Jan, please let your DH know that, if he is ever stuck in EWR to call me!

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)