Single-mom-itis

[Shaunna]

Ok, for the moms out there in pilot wife land. I am going insane, the kids are driving my nuts. I am tired to doing EVERYTHING ALONE. I am tired of BEING ALONE. I am so sick of whinning, complaining, un-happy no matter what I do miserable kids!!!!!!!

Why is it that when daddy is gone, they seem to think it is a free for all on treating mom like crap? My son is one thing, he is pretty much miserable all of the time, but my daughter has been such a whinny spoiled brat lately. I don't understand it, we are very strick with our kids, they have very good boundries and we do not spoil them. Yet they act like everything on the planet is owed to them and are SO ungreatful! Today: I took my daughter to a birthday party and while she was there I took my son to the batting cages. On the way home all they did was complain! Him because I told him that I wouldn't/could'nt pay for him to go into the gymnastics place that the party was at. Her because I wouldn't let her have a piece of candy after she just had cake and a sucker at the party or pull the van over so that she could pick up a hair tie that she dropped on the floor. Why are kids so spoiled? I mean, do we really have to move out to the country and give them rocks and sticks to play with and bread and water to eat before they will appriciate anything?

OK, so I know that I am on mommy burnout, and am problably pmsing too, but sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind having to parent these kids by my self all of the time. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Thanks for the vent op...
Shaunna

[lrcantrell]

Oh Shaunna, I can totally sympathize with you! I'm so sorry, hang in there!!! When is dh due home next? sounds like you need a bit of a break from them!!! There are days I swear the sole purpose of my children is to do nothing but drive me insane! (I don't have far to go )

[Kristie]

I don't mean to be offensive or at all rude, please don't get me wrong...

but could it be that you spoiled them early on and they got used to it?

it sounds like you're very strict and so forth, but when DH is out of town, do you tend to let things go *because* dh is out of town and you feel bad for them?

I think picking up the hair tie would have been ok...the candy afterward might have been overboard and I agree with holding your boundaries on that..and the fact that DS got all verklempt about not going into gynmastics, i kinda wonder about..and am going to ask (cuz i have nothing to lose but to try and help).. did DS want to go to gynmastics cuz he's interested in it or because his friends went or because girls are there or for what reason did he want to go intot he gymnastics area? did you ask?

again, please don't think i'm being mean or anything else.. but kids learn from other kids.. if other parents are spoiling their kids, then the kids not being spoiled tend to think they're being run to strictly.. in which case, sometimes in certain cirumstances, you have to let those boundaries go and let them find their own way - whether or not it deals a hard blow in the face of "real life".....

I don't have kids, therefore I really dont know what it's like to raise kids as a single parents (ie: pilots wife - IMO same thing).. but I remember my parents being awfully strict and never getting a chance to run and even TRY the boundaries...so that's why I'm asking...

I understand if this is just a vent.. but as a person who would like to be a parent someday (no, not there yet), I'd like to see if it's even possible to treat kids as if they're adults.. why did you do this.. why do you want to do this.. in a sense, ask them questions that they themselves have to figure out in order to find an answer.... did you ask them any of that? why do you want the candy.. or why do you want to go into the gymnastics area.. give them a reason to give you a reason as to why?

you can do the same thing they do... question why...make them think about why.. and if the reason why is worth it? I think part of the problem is that people expect the DH to deal with it when they get home and in all reality, you have to deal with it then and there and not do the "wait till your dad gets home" like my mom used to do.. cuz otherwise you don't get in trouble did dad gets home from work...KWIM? they learn to behave when dad's home, but not when dad's gone...and before you know it, the kids are old enuff to know when mom's PMSing and therefore attributes it all to "ohhh.. jeez mom.. your just pmsing"...type crap!

but remember - sometimes you honestly have to let the boundaries go and let them find their own boundaries... let them eat suicide salsa at the age of 5 if they want to - they'll learn just how hot it really is and quickly.. make them find their own boundaries and they'll thank you for it later on...

again - I don't have kids, not ready to raise kids.. but i'd like to think I can still give my 0.02 cents *because* i don't have kids...

I'm only thinking of you, your sanity and the kids thought process since DH is gone and you ARE essentially a single parent.

:-D

[Shaunna]

Yes, Kristie, this was in fact just a vent. Of course I do not feel this way all of the time, some days are just worse than others. And, no, I do not do the 'wait until daddy gets home' thing with my kids, 'cause if I did they would forget what they even did wrong by the time daddy gets home! No, instead, when Kurt is gone, I have to do ALL of the disaplining ALL of the redireciton, ALL of the parenting, instruction, comforting, caring for... That is where the vent comes from. As a pilot's wife, I don't get to know every day that daddy will be home at 5:30 to take some of the load off being a parent, I don't get to say "you deal with this temper tantrum this time" for days at a time. I don't get to even get to go the bathroom in peace for days at a time for that matter.

You know, before I had kids, I had planned on being the best mom in the world too. I wasn't going to do all of the dumb things my parents did (and for the most part I don't) I was going to 'talk' to my kids instead of telling them all the time. I was going to be a 'fun' mom and let them get dirty and experience life. I was going to make sure that we were buddys, and I could just lead them and they would follow happily because they trusted and admired me as their mother. Well..... POOOFFF!!!! Actual motherhood happened...

Don't get me wrong, I am not dissing motherhood, I am just saying that you have to be more realistic about it. You are one person, with a life, a personality, your own limits, levels, emotions, needs. Then in comes these little people, who are, yes, part of you, but also VERY individual people too. They have their own set of needs and also their own personalities. And, as you might recall from being a kid, their job is to find all the boundries, push them to see what happens and through learning what happens when they do that, become who they are going to be. Along with this they already have their built in temperments and personalities that very directly effect the way they respond to everything.

My point... you not only have to deal with each kid in an individual way, but you have to keep yourself in check(control your emotions, keep in mind when you are pmsing, bit your tongue often), remember what contributions daddy makes to the picture and respect that, referee the relations between the kids, be nice, kind, loving, caring, compasionate, understanding, patient, flexable, know when it appropriate to talk and also when it is more appropriate to act, be creative, have I left anything out?

About spoiling... well I do know that my kids have a lot of 'stuff', we happen to have the means to have a nice living. I also know that we are raising our kids to be greatful for everything, by telling them and by example. That is where my comment about living in the country came from, because sometimes it seems like no matter how many times you 'explain' being greatful to them, they are kids and can act spoiled.
About the gymnastics thing, my almost 10 yr old just saw the gym and asked me if I could pay so that he could go in to play too, and I told him that you can't do that and he had a fit. I did expain it to him, he just didn't want to listen to the reason because he ''wanted to!!!!". And the reason I wasn't going to pull over to get the hair tie, because we were on a busy road 3 mins from home, she could wait.

Yes, I would and have let my children try hot sauce, coffee, other things to 'teach' them. But I am their mother, I do know what's best for them, and I will inforce limits that I feel they don't need to cross at the time. By the way, I do also talk to them and explain things to them- but I do it on their level. My 3yr old doesn't understand why or why not she wants the candy, all she knows is that it is good and she wants it, I have to be the one that knows what another dose of sugar will do to her and say when to stop.

Also not trying to sound angy, condescending or mean. Sorry if I at all came accross that way. :-D

Just nice to know that others feel the same way sometimes, huh?
Shaunna

[marriedanaviator]

Shaunna,

I was going to quote the parts of your speech that I liked the best, but I liked so much of it that I found myself quoting the whole thing. So, I decided not to do a quote and just tell you that I sat here nodding my head and sometimes giggling while reading your post. So much of what you said is my life EXACTLY. My oldest son is 3 and it is HARD being his only parent for days at a time. He is a little pooper sometimes! And that's putting it nicely! And you know what, I take it back, it's not sometimes, it's A LOT of the time. He is absolutely trying to find his boundaries, but the problem is I'm only one person and I also have his little brother to take care of. So, sometimes, unfortunately, there are no boundaries. I laughed when I read what you said about not doing the "wait-until-daddy-gets-home" thing. How you couldn't do that because they wouldn't even remember being in trouble by then! Totally!!

My husband will call from the hotel, late at night, when he's finished with his day and he will ask "why aren't you in bed yet?", and I will say "because I need a small piece of the day to be only for myself and this is the only time I get". It's exhausting being a SAHM/single parent to small children. I know that there are pros and cons for both, but sometimes I think that the career mom's have it easier. I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for a career, not at any moment of any day, but sometimes it would be nice to be away for a while.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel and I'm right there with you! If you ever want to talk or vent or whatever, please know that I'm here and I will gladly listen! Besides, that's what we're all here for, right?

Karla

[luvmyboys]

Shaunna and Karla,
As a mother of two, ages 2 1/2 and 1, I totally agree that it's very hard being a SAHM/single parent. Before I had kids, I never would have thought how stressed I would be. My goal each day is to get through it in peace, not be unreasonable with my children - like overreacting when my son, whose potty trained (I thought), pees on the bathroom floor for the second time.

I do cherish my time to my self after they've gone to bed. I've been known to stay up late reading and just enjoying the peace and quiet. Which usually backfires on me the next day because the boys will get up early and I'm tired, which doesn't help my patience.

I'm really trying to enjoy the day and not just "get through" it. So many times I'm thinking, "Ok, I just need to get through today and my husband will be home tomorrow". Or I just need to make it until my children go to bed. Since I've been making the effort to do special things for myself and the children each day (not big things) I find myself enjoying them and our time together more. Hopefully it'll get better as they grow and can understand when I say, "Mommy needs a few minutes to check e-mail (go to the bathroom, read a book, etc) please go play in your room"

Sara