Bedtime Routine

[czechmate]

So, our lovely 4 yr old daughter is giving us a hard time at night.

She loves to dilly-dally (is that a word?) until I/DH lose our patience.
She fights to brush her teeth and go potty.
Then she wants to take some time to "clean up" her room.
She's been getting into bed as late as 10:40pm.

I've tried to start our routine earlier, but that hasn't seemed to help.

I've tried to be patient and help her, I've yelled, I've walked away, I've tagged DH to take over, etc.

We've set a timer and had her "beat the clock" - didn't work
We've tried to get it done because of XYZ - hasn't work
We've said do it NOW or else - hasn't worked
We've talked to her about being a big girl and she has big girl responsibilites - hasn't worked
We've bought a book about manners - she loves the book, but hasn't worked

Nothing is working.

Our son would be asked to get ready for bed and he did.
No talking back, whining, complaining, etc.

So we're having a really hard time figuring this out.

(Right now her preschool is from 12:30pm - 3:00pm and then 11:45am-3:00pm for Spanish lessons on Thursday.
I try to keep her on a schedule in preparation for Kindergarten next year. Bedtime at 8:30 pm and then I wake her up by 7:30 am.)

Any suggestions on making bedtime easier on us?
And what time do your kids go to bed?

Thanks,
Jen

[ASLhands]

I don't have kids, but I know people who would have stickers and if she gets 7 stickers (one for each night of going to bed when she is told) then she gets a prize. Positive reward systems tend to work well. How frustrating. Hope it works out. Oh, and if you have your son on that system too and she sees him get a prize because he is doing what he is supposed to then maybe it will add a competition incentive? Good luck!

[TheWife]

Just a total difference of opinion, (and neither is right or wrong!) but I don't like to reward behavior that I expect. I expect my kids to follow instructions promptly, if they don't they will have a consequence, not the other way around. Rewards are reserved for times when they behave beyond that which is expected, just like how grown up life works (usually).

I don't know your child so I can't say what would or wouldn't work, but if it were me trying, I'd take her to the bathroom, brush her teeth, sit her on the toilet, have 1 minute for room clean up, read one story, put her in bed and walk away. If she gets up or says anything I'd put her back in bed w/o a word, or ignore her talking. If she gets up again, I'd put her down again, w/o a word. There is no stalling allowed, once she's had a few days to get used to the new way, I'd start issuing consequences (time out is usually not good for this one, cause it aids in the stalling.) I'd take away a toy for a day, or lose the bed time story, or whatever means the most to her.

Good luck! I know it's different for each kid/parent/situation, that's just what I'd try.

[czechmate]

Originally Posted by TheWife

Just a total difference of opinion, (and neither is right or wrong!) but I don't like to reward behavior that I expect. I expect my kids to follow instructions promptly, if they don't they will have a consequence, not the other way around. Rewards are reserved for times when they behave beyond that which is expected, just like how grown up life works (usually).

We agree on not rewarding behavior that is expected.
I don't pay for chores either.
There are responsibilities required of everyone who lives in this house.

Our son was so easy, maybe too easy.

We always say if we had Ava first, we would have had only one child.

Our daughter is alot like me (unfortunatly).
She very stubborn and if you tell her to do something, well she won't. It has to be her way, on her terms.
That's why we're trying to use the "big girls" do this and that. That's why we bought the manners book.

Now my parents are coming today --- they'll be screwing up the routine anyway.

Jen

[Regina]

Jen,

We have problems with some of the kids, and the other kids do exactly what we say, when we say it. Maybe it just has something to do with stubborn personalities...?

I agree with Michelle on rewards.

I also think maybe if she is putting off cleaning her room until bedtime, she knows she can stay up a little later. Maybe you could tell her room needs to be cleaned before dinner or before 7 pm...?

My kids go to bed between 7 and 7:30 during the week, no exception for visitors for the most part. Some days, if someone is in trouble, they go to bed at 6:45. My kids wake-up at 6 am. Everyone shares a room with their buddy, so it is tough to not have the chatting going on after they go to bed, but it is definetly kept to a minimum.

My suggestions are these, and they are only suggestions, so please don't take offense:
1. Clean up room earlier
2. Start your routine earlier ("Until we can get you to bed on time and not dilly-dallying, we need to start earlier.) Maybe start her bedtime routine before even your son goes to bed (since he is doing what he should).
3. Try to be consistent, even if there is company...(hard to do, I know)
4. Was she being too slow one time...."I'm sorry that you were being too pokey; we ran out of time to read your book." (My kids hate that one)

Other than that, I would go by what Michelle said. It seemed like a good plan.

[jr_lenz]

Ours is pretty good about bed time too, but we set a time limit for stories and snuggle time. being pokey takes away from his 20 mins. If he is so slow and uses all of his story time no story. He hates that. Once he asked if he could get a spanking instead and still read stories.

or maybe you could do time out or stand in the corner for the amount of time over set bed time in the morning. Im not a big fan of next day punshiment just throwing ideas out there.

[stellaandcorasmommy]

my oldest daughter *did* the same thing...and with (as you know) my husband's schedule...it was difficult to have him take over...that just created other problems (stella likes "routine")! she was having difficulty with the bedtime routine, going to bed at a reasonable hour and sleeping through the night. i decided the most important thing for me (at that point) was sleeping through the night. so i started by buying tons of books as cheap as i could get them (1/2 price bookstore clearance rack, garage sales, etc...often i could get books for 25 cents). If she slept through the night, she could pick out a new book that we would read together the next morning. When that worked (quicker than i thought!)...we started a bedtime chart and added another "skill" - lights out by 8:30). If she got 75% of the smiley faces for both "skills" by the end of the week...then she got to pick out the reward that she had decided on at the beginning of the week. We let the first one be a big one...a toy that she had been vying for at the store for quite some time. We also let her choose things such as going swimming, going to a movie, picking her favorite dinner, mommy and me park time, a special play date. We are starting to fade away from the chart...but she still wants to be in bed before 8:30!
I agree with others that you shouldn't have to reward something that you expect...but coming from someone with an intense daughter...this was how i got myself through it. I think you just have to do what you have to do...and i was willing to "pay" for an easy bedtime with a new baby coming. Allowing her to pick out a book each morning worked so well with us. and what's wrong with giving her a new book and some reading time?? it introduced her to many stories that i wouldn't have purchased if they hadn't been 25 cents! and if we only read them once...that was ok with me. we've since passed on many of those books that didn't become favorites to others who were going to try using them as a reward as well.
Also...i've used an alarm clock set for 8:27 pm (a few minutes before our lights out time)...then it's the clock telling her that it's almost bedtime and not you (you don't look like such a bad guy). you finish up your stories and see if you can get the light off before the 8 - 3 - 0 comes up! (learning to tell digital time!)
One more thing...our daughter often takes a lot of time because she has so many things that she wants to share with me...we use a quick massage ("relaxing" time) to share things - tell me your favorite thing that happened today, tell me something that made you sad today, tell me what you would wish for if you had 3 wishes...i can share a good list that i use with families that i work with of questions that are good for encouraging conversation if you are interested...
hope that helps! best of luck to you...i know it's frustrating...but the more frustrated that you are...the more they delay! if you act like you have 5 minutes...it will take forever...if you act like you have forever...it will often take 5 minutes!

[av8rwyf]

Originally Posted by TheWife

I'd take away a toy for a day, or lose the bed time story, or whatever means the most to her.

We even went so far as to take beloved "Blanket" away. You know the Lovey, the Safety Blanket that keeps the scary things away?! We were terrified about doing it. DS slept one night w/out it (he protested bigtime but we stuck to our guns) and that helped straighten up whatever the problem was at the time.

Go for big one that makes a difference! I know it sounds harsh but it sends a msg to them!