Help a Mom whose down

[Shar]

Fellow Moms:
I've been feeling bothered lately about the monotony of being with the kids 24/7. Due to circumstances I don't want to get into, there really isn't anyone else to help me out. (Of course DH helps and helps a lot but he has a job and it's all me when he is gone.) I'm not sure why I feel so resentful of the "mom duties" lately...when I think about it I wouldn't want to put the kids in daycare. But I think I miss work (because I was good at it and enjoyed my job). I am planning on going back next year. What bothers me is this morning my DH let me sleep in and cleaned the whole house except he left all the sippy cups on the counter. All I could notice was that they were left for me to wash. I asked him why he left them and of course started World War 3. I know it was rude. I should have at least thanked him for all the stuff he did first. What is my problem? Please tell me some of you SAHMs have gone through the same thing. Thanks for listening! I feel like I'm causing problems in the marriage but if I keep it in I get resentful...

[roz]

Shar, all I can say (besides hugs) is that sometimes, men overlook the fine details. He probably didn't even notice the sippy cups on the counter. He focused on the big picture and doing something nice for you. After 28 years, I have learned that some things are not going to change so, either you overlook them or you will continue to drive yourself crazy. My DH will cook and clean for me when he is home. But apparently his idea of cleaning the counter is limited to the counter directly next to the sink. I've never seen him clean the counter on the other side of the stove. I've never seen him clean the counter by the coffee grinder and coffee maker. But he brings me coffee while I'm putting on my makeup. So, every morning when I come downstairs, I quietly grab a sponge and wipe off the spilled coffee grounds and drops of coffee that spilled on the counter before pouring myself a refill. Every evening I clean the stove and the counter next to it. And he'd sooner start a fire in the toaster oven than ever clean out the crumbs or melted cheese. So, I do that too and don't say anything.

As for the kids 24/7, are there play groups you could join? When my son was little, we had one and we would spell each other for some "me time". And of course, it offered adult interaction. Are there groups at the local library you could join? Our local library has a SAHM who is a teacher who runs a children's group. She gets to bring her kids, work with other kids and the other moms look out for her kids while she is there.

[Imachickadee75]

Oh Shar, I hear you. Its so hard not to get resentful when it feels like you NEVER get a chance to do something for yourself. I think I'd lose it if I didn't work my two days a week and go to school. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my son, but I think those outside activities are crucial to my state of mind. Would you have an opportunity to get out of the house one night a week for a class or even get enrolled in an on-line course (I took one this summer and it was surprisingly good)? You know, just do something for yourself instead of everyone else.

That's what gets to me. I think the sippy cups would have ticked me off too. I can see myself thinking "Come on, can't I ever not have to do something? Just once, could everything be done for me?!" Even as I felt very guilty for giving DH a hard time.

I guess if it were me, I'd sit down and apologize to DH for the sippy cup thing then describe how overwhelmed and stagnant I feel. Then I'd ask him to help me come up with some ideas -a Mothers Day out program, a class, maybe even volunteering at your church (if you're active) -especially if they have a way to keep your munchkins. My DH's pretty good at either letting me talk it out or giving me a whole different perspective. I hope yours is too.

Also, I don't remember how old your kids are but could there be any post partum stuff going on or regular depression or even a minor health concern that is making things harder to cope with? It might be worth a run to the doc just to be sure.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

Jackie

[jr_lenz]

We have all gone through what you are feeling, its normal. Maybe you need to find some mommy time. Its ok to put the kids in daycare for a few hours and go do something that is for you. maybe a part time job some place fun like a flower shop, or volunteer at the amainal shelter. something that gives you a little break from mommy duties. needing to be away from your kids DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD MOMMY. it makes you an honest person, and end the end the if momy is happier, then everyone is happier.

[scissorhands]

You sound like me! I signed my daughter up for a playgroup for 2 hours in the am at our local JCC,one day a week. It gives me enough time to get some mommy time. I don't have any help here either and it starts to grind me down. My dh does help with the house stuff but it doesnt seem like enough. I get caught in a runt sometimes too and just feel like crap.

[Brenda]

Oh Shar, you truly are not alone. I think we've all been there. I have. Still get pissy with my hubby for things that aren't that big of a deal, but are tome. Like...
Bed time. Every night we have to do the same thing. Starting with teeth, then baths, then story time(if we're lucky) He decides to o for a Porsche ride. Everytime at the exact time we start our routine. It drives me up the wall! I do this all the time, so why can't he when he is home?
Morning. We have a routine that goes by 10 and 20 minutes. We use a timer. I have it printed on a paper and on the fridge for him. The breakfast bowls or plates are set, depending on what we are going to eat. Cereals are out. Vitamins out. Juice in cups in fridge.Clothes are brought down on hangers. Everything is out so that there isn't any confusion. I wake up first with the alarm, so that I can "wake up".
When dh is home, he sleeps in and waits til he hears me start screaming at a child cause he doesn't want to wear tennis shoes on Friday for PE. Then all he does is get out of bed, grab a coffee and takes him to the bus stop. We were late to the bus stop the other day cause I didn't set the timer for the last 10 minutes. Damn me! Doe she not know what time we have to be out the door? We just finished 6 weeks of school! Why can't he just say to me , you know honey, I know you wake up every hour at night and hardly sleep cause you are very pregnant, let me wake up with the kiddos and get them ready so that you can sleep in.
Does he not really think about that? Did i not leave enough instruction, or did i leave too much? I don't care what he does with them, as long as they eat, have clean clothes and a clean face and out the door by 7 40 AM.
Char, the list can go on and on. You a ren't alone. For me though, i did go and se ethe doctor cause i do get anxious very easy. I thought my way had to be the only way and that it was the right way.
I've done exactly what Roz wrote. I go and clean the spots that he may have "forgotten" to clean or wipe off. I will wipe off the coffee grounds and dribble marks and just move on.
Being a SAHM is hard. Time alone, whether it be at home or out is very necessary for your sanity and niceness. Are there other kids in the area that maybe you could swap an hr or 2 once a week?
good luck! We are here for you!

[Mistress Trista]

I go through it too. Thank god my kids are in school now, but by the end of summer break, I'm pulling my hair out.

It's normal or atleast that's what I keep telling myself...

As for hubby, i put my foot down when we had our daughter. When you're gone, it's all on me. When you're home, it's all on you. I have to remind him sometimes, but for the most part, he remembers.

[ccbegay]

sorry you/re feeling like this...i'm no mother (yet)...but lots of good words from the mothers on this site...we're all here for you!

[CLErocks]

Hi...it's definitely normal(i think ) to feel that way. I know I have felt that way. My DD is almost 2. Roz gave some good advice to try doing some things outside of the home. Can't remember how old your kids are but the local libraries normally always have readings. Also check out Gymboree playgym. See if there is one in your local area. They are offering a free preview class now. I just signed my daughter up to try the art class. It's free and it will also get you out of the house!

[czechmate]

I've been there also.
I had (still have) a good friend and we would trade off babysitting time. She would take my kids for 3 hours so J and I could have alone time and then I would take her's for 3 hours. It worked out great since we didn't have to pay for babysitting.
If you're not able to trade off with someone, find a playdate or center and see if you can buy some time that way.
Schedule a mom's night out. Get all you're friends together and go out for dinner and relax.
You need that time and you deserve that time. You need to get recharged.

As for the sippy cups, I've done that too. I think it was Roz that said we are much more detailed than men. J will "help" me out in what he thinks is the nicest way, only to make more work for me. And then he believes he needs a parade and lots of praise for helping me out!

But I'm a little crazy when it comes to organizing and cleaning. Remember Sleeping with the Enemy -- how she had to keep all of the cans outward facing? Well, that's me and when I get too focused, J will sing that song that her husband like to play.
Then I know that I'm being a little nuts.

Take a deep breath and get some time for you.
Jen