Extended Family Issues- DRAMA

[Anonymous]

Ok ladies I need your help/advice. I honestly don't even know where to start, but I am so confused I need to turn to someone, so here goes.

My Mom and I used to have a pretty good relationship and through the years it seems as though it is now non-existant. I am really saddened by this fact, but to me it feels like she doesn't even try or even care.

A little background information is necessary so here goes. My parents married very young, I am almost embarrased to type the ages, but they married at 16 and 20 and had me just one year later at 17 and 21. (Kids I tell you)
Anyway, at 14 years old I got my first real job as an excuse to be out of the house on the weekends. What 14 year old gets a job to get out of the house? And why the weekends? Because this was Mom and Dad's party time. Tuesdays and Saturdays were my Dad's days off from work so naturally Monday and Friday were party nights. Drinking has always been an issue with my parents, unfortunatley they don't see a problem with it. So I know that their behavior is a direct result of the drinking, but how far should I push our relationship?

A little more background information. Fast forward several years and I am now married to the most amazing man who is also the father of my beautiful children. We no longer live in the same state as my parents which was incredibly sad and hard at first, but has actually turned to be an incredible blessing as I don't desire my children to be around what I grew up watching and living.

So fast forward a little more and this is where I need your help. My dd recently had a birthday and because of the time change and her intoxication my Mom decides to call almost 4 hours past her bedtime expecting to talk to dd. I told her that she was sleeping and that she would call her in the morning. Well apparently that wasn't good enough and she ended the call upset. DD calls the next morning and from what I gather all is well. So I make small calls every once in awhile to catch her up on things. Yes I make the calls, apparently her phone doesn't call out LOL. During this time frame I send her a Mother's Day Gift a really nice Birthday Gift and I send my Dad a Father's Day Gift, but I hear absolutely nothing from either of them. So I make a call again just recently because it is obvious I said or did something to create conflict and I wanted to inform her that a close family friend of ours was recently diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Well what do you know I get absolute immaturity and rudeness on the other end the whole conversation lasts maybe a total of 2-3 minutes and don't even have the opportunity to tell her about our friends failing health. All she keeps repeating is "whatever" "whatever" .

I honestly feel like I have always been the adult in this relationship and this again is a perfect example of that. I had enough and expressed that to my Mom. The conclusion of the phone call ended like this (I know that this was rude, but Lord I am tired of being the only one trying in this relationship and I am so tired of the petty bs that goes with) so I said "when you can be mature enough to talk to me like an adult and you can start acting like my Mom, give me a call." Well it has been 2 weeks now and surprise, surprise no call.

Should I email her to let her know of our friends health? I don't feel the need to call her, Hell the phone does work both ways. My Dad is a capable man able to make a phone call as well, but won't he makes my Mom call.

My aplogy for taking your time with this petty crap, I just don't know what more I can do. My children miss their grandparents, but my parents apparently have no desire to make contact or to make a visit. (even though I am the only child with grandchildren). The last time they came to visit was in 2004.

Ok, so I am rambling, but any thoughts or advice would be of great value. Thank you.

[Adreamer's_wfe]

I am going through drama with my mother right now, so I understand. I used to rush around and try to make it better and make her happy, but really my hands are full, she is an adult, and it is all over something that happened two years ago. I am just giving her space. Eventually she will want to see one of my children, or have a crisis and call me. I have wonderful parents, but crap still happens. She can get over her drama in her own time, and I don't have to waste time with it - my mother is not a waste of time, but the drama is! Let your Mother have her moment, she can complain to all her friends, and you are states away, you will never know the difference. Next time she calls, just move on like nothing ever happened. Time and family friends have led me to take that path, and it seems to work. Good luck.

[laralen02]

Agreed with Angela, but I don't think it would hurt to email her about your friend. I wouldn't mention anything BUT that though, just keep it short and sweet. I think it would let her know that you're still wanting her to be a part of your life but the initiation of most things is up to her. I know you miss her, but it seems like she's causing more stress than joy. For your kids too, because they can sense the tension, I'm sure.

[Kristie]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Should I email her to let her know of our friends health?

yes....it's the only right thing to do... email her and let her know. it's not unpolite at all and since she hasn't called you, you shouldn't feel the need to keep calling them.

you could always call and just say you called to inform them.. blah blah blah... have a good day. bye and keep it short and civil too.. as long as they're informed (if they're friends with the person).

and then give your mom some space. My dad never calls me anymore either unless it's important or about money.. i check in with him thru text messages on a daily or weekly basis and if he wants to "talk", he knows how to dial. because as you said, it goes both ways and everyone involved is an adult

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous;40437]

A little background information is necessary so here goes. My parents married very young,

I also had a child very young(early teens) and married young (late teens),
so I hope I can give you a little insight from my point of view.

My oldest and I have the same type of situations quite a bit if the time,but I have come to realize that she sees our relationship as a sibling type instead of the mother daughter type. (Don't get me wrong she knows who the bosses are and has complete respect for us) but she gets upset and closes the emotional doors so to speak.
She no longer lives at home so
So i just call her one a week and I e-mail or text her daily, sometimes i get a response and sometimes I don't, but I keep that door open so that she knows that it is there if she wants to walk thru it.
There are times when I call and she gives the yes no answers or just the uhum, so I just tell her I love her and will call her next week.
Then there are times when she talks to me like nothing has ever been wrong.
I know its a hard situation, but don't give up on your parents they will come around.
I know it is hard but the situation will improve.

[ASLhands]

My family is extremely complicated and there is much too much to get into it right now. My dad has absolutely no social skills, he's brilliant (genius IQ) but no common sense. He does not know how to be a father and throughout the years I have been hurt by his actions. For a long time I was so angry with him. Then one day I just realized that he just doesn't know how to be a father. He loves me and wants to be there but just can't figure out how to do it. I have come to the conclusion that being angry and being stubborn with him is not worth it. So my advice is to just realize your parents weaknesses and just move on with your relationship the best you can. I went to a 60th anniversary party last year and a guy gave a speech and this one line was so touching: "Remember, just because somebody is not showing they love you the way you want them to does not mean that they are not showing you they love you the best way they know how." I think you are doing the right thing, trying to reach out. Give them the time they need to cool off and keep reaching out just because they are your parents. I know it is tough, hang in there!