I can't take another minute!!!

[lrcantrell]

I'm seriously having a meltdown over here! I cannot take another minute of this! I'm so tired of being here alone with these kids. I'm tired of breaking out in a sweat from the wrestling match EVERY time I change ds#2! I'm tired of continually fighting with ds#1 over EVERYTHING!!!! I have NO relief!!!!! I've got tears in my eyes from these kids right now and I am just so darn sick and tired of dh being gone so much!!!!!!! I don't want to say anything to him because everytime I do he feels so bad and gets tears in his eyes. He's trying absolutely everything he can to find another job but it's literally impossible in this industry!! I know I should be so grateful for the fact that he has a flying job but it's hard to see that through everything else at this moment!!! UGH! 8 days a month and not knowing anyone in this town is just wearing on every ounce of energy I have right now!!! Sorry for venting but you all are the only ones that understand this stuff. I need to just go drink a glass of wine and be thankful that he's flying and that's that. Maybe I'll just go and hug my kids and hopefully that'll stop this constant whining, crying, screaming and what all else goes on with a 2 year old.

[roz]

OK--let's look at the situation.

You left a job and moved to CA.

Now DH is the sole support and his situation is not great.

Everyone feels bad and is on edge.

You are used to working outside the home. You are VERY employable.

Why don't you research child care situations and work at least part time? You can get a job in a second! And then you will know some people. It doesn't matter if you will only make enough to pay the child care--you are the type that needs the balance in your life.

You need to balance your life.

[av8rwyf]

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. I cant relate with the only 8 days off thing but I understand the toddler problems and feeling as though I'm at the end of my rope.

I cant offer much but to say this which helped me ...a little...cuz sometimes their just aint enough help! [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] I told myself to stop fighting it. Literally. We have all made this choice to become an aviation family. It wasnt placed upon us. We made this happen therefore we need to learn to (and here's the cheesy term) [i:cbb3c989b9]embrace[/i:cbb3c989b9] what we have. Literally, take things day by day and less if needed. Sometimes I just say, "If I can make it through the morning." or "if I can make it thru dinner." Once I stopped fighting the choice, things eased. No, the frustrations didnt go away, the intense emotions of missing my husband didnt go away and it certainly didnt stop those darn 2 y/o tantrums but mind was "calmer" for lack of a better term and my heart felt a little more peaceful and less stressed out.

I hope this helps. goodness knows the industry doesnt offer a tangible cure but with support from others who are in the same boat, hopefully we'll all be able to muddle through and come out in one piece!

[lrcantrell]

Stacy, thank you! You helped a tremendous amount. Looking at it the way you put it does definately help. It was dh and I both pushing and fighting for his career (along with the good Lord's will!!!) that got us where we are today and I need to remind myself how badly we both wanted this. I am feeling much calmer now. I gave both my boys hugs, made popcorn and put in a movie for them. I need to remember how I felt last year at this time when I was working way to much, seeing my children way to little and having someone else raise them. Roz, as far as getting a job. I'm an RN who was trained out of country (canada) and in the state of california, the only way I can transfer my license to here is to take the nursing exam which I am studying for right now. The entire process is going to take about 5-6 months though. I'm really doing it for back-up incase something were to happen to dh job we wouldn't have to pack up and head back to TX. Dh and I thought long and hard about me becoming a SAHM and I still firmly stand behind my decision (even in the worst of times during the worst of tantrums). I just strongly feel that with one parent being gone so much, the kids need to have the other parent around for stability(if it's at all possible of course). Another issue is with dh being gone so much, if/when the kids get sick, I'm the only one here to stay home and I'm afraid I would be having to call in way to much. It is the hardest thing I've ever done but when I stop and look at the bigger picture, it's also the most rewarding thing I've ever done. The kids are gaining so much and I am truly loving that I get to be home with them (believe it or not, some days I have to remind myself however).
Thank you both for your support. It helps more than I can ever say to have people who understand this industry. Taking it minute by minute is what I have to start doing when everything is coming down on me like it was tonight. This crew can get very overwhelming, especially when we're in the middle of a long stretch of dh being gone. I just wish I had a better way of handling "those" times. I'm really trying hard not to "unload" on dh as well and I'm finding that difficult to channel my frustrations into another form rather then him. He hates being gone so much and it makes being gone all that much worse when he hears me crying and he's helpless because he's not here to help.
Okay, this has become way to long of a post! I feel so much better getting it all "out there" though. Thanks for listening.

[roz]

I hear you. Just remember that stability comes in many forms. I worked the entire time but provided a very secure and stabile home for our family. I chose employers that enabled me to be there for the Halloween parades, etc and take my son to Aikido lessons. I was there and my husband was there when he could be. Our son knew he was loved and supported. I chose that, though. I knew I never could be a SAHM. It's not me.

Perhaps you could register with an agency to do on call aide work (until you take the exam) when DH is home. That would get you away from it all and bring in a few extra bucks. I paid my mom's aide $17/hour--direct contract--not through an agency!

[Kristie]

when they're gone so much, it just really helps to take everything a day at a time and if you need to slow it down more, an hour at a time!

have you joined any of the mommy clubs or started them in a sport of some sort where other mothers would be around? maybe even just going to the park and talking to some random mom's (while kids play) would help?!

how bout taking the kids to the bookstore so you can read a book to them while in the store or they have story hours there as well where you might be able to leave the tykes and get a cup of coffee while talking to some of the other mom's that have their kids listening to the storyteller? public libraries are good for that too!

it definately sounds like you need to get out a little bit and just talk to some other women, whether kids are with or not!

the other thing we need to remember is that the guys don't WANT to be away so much, it's just apart of the job...i mean doug and I are working on our "find supplement income so doug doesn't have to fly if he doesn't want to" plan! so far, it's working! hahaha

I see way too many mom's out there playing mom to the kids, but not taking time out for herself or keeping up with her own hobbies/getting together with the girls once a month etc...it becomes all consuming which i think becomes harder for mom to differenciate herself as the kids get older and it becomes harder to tolerate... but that's just my "outsiders" 0.02 (since i'm childfree - as they call it nowadays)...

just some ideas! [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[lrcantrell]

Roz, I do think the adult interaction would be good but I'm just so afraid of having to call in because of illness and not being reliable to my employer. Winters are so hard and one of them always seems to be sick with something contagious. I have absolutely no back up out here to cover me if the kids get sick and I'm supposed to work. I was a manager and I know first hand how hard it is whenever someone had to call in, I would hate to do that to someone else. I am definately going to pursue a school nurse type of thing though once I get my license done. That way I would have the same hours as the kids, the same holidays off, stuff like that. Most other nursing jobs are 12 hours (hours that daycare isn't open) and we work the holidays and weekends (another time daycare isn't open). Being a nurse is all I know how to do. i'd thought about picking up something part time that's not in nursing until I get my license but all I have to put on my resume is nursing stuff and any potential employer would know that I would leave in a few months. I would hate to have someone take the time/money to train me just to have me turn around and leave.
Kristie, thanks for the suggestions. I have not tried the library yet, I may look into that. I do have a mom's group and that's been part of the problem, we're on break right now for the summer and I have really been missing that time. We have sitters and the kids go in an entirely different area and we get to sit around and talk/do our bible study. It's so helpful!!! I was talking to one of the moms that's in that group and she's feeling the same way I am right now about her kids. Thankfully the group is starting back up next week. My ds#1 is also starting kindergarten so that's going to give me a break in the afternoons. I'm also looking into enrolling him back in gymnastics again. He did that in the spring and it was a nice break to get out and talk to other moms. I really do need to step back and take it minute by minute during those hard times.
I'm with you about the SAHM thing Roz. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm just not cut out to be one. It seems to come so natural to some people and with me it really seems to be a struggle. I know we could provide a stable environment for the kids with me working a job with better hours n' such but right now I really think they need me home. Within just one year dh has started working and being gone all the time, I was working my butt off and didn't see them for literally 6 months when dh was in CA and we were in TX, then we moved them across the country to a strange place, now ds is starting school. it's alot of changes for those little guys and I would hate to put more on them again. Hopefully we'll get more settled and into a routine and me going back to work will just become part of that.

[roz]

What I meant is that you work as an independent contractor for an agency. They call you--if you can work you do it. If you can't you don't. Again, that's how I kept my mom alive for 9 years and happy. And I paid the nurses well!

And I know the pain of not having any back up. I had that same situation. My family was scattered and none were ever available to help. You develop a thick skin and learn to live with it.

Once my husband was in a motorcycle accident. He was almost killed. He was in intensive care for many days. Then he was tethered to the wall with a vaccuum pump to keep his lungs operating. Our son was 3. I had no one to help. Everyone was too busy. Finally, when he came home to recuperate, his parents came up from Florida to care for him. But no one ever thought that others in the family needed any caring. He's an only child so there is no other family on his side. I'm from a family of 5 children. My family thought I was tough enough! I was alone in that process--and supported our son through it.

[Kristie]

heck yeah.. there's nothing wrong with working part time.. my sister is planning on switching from 100% stenography to just scoping, it'll keep her busy part-time and it's mostly via contract type work.. if she can't do it that day, then she doesn't have to take it...

luckily, nowadays, there are just a ton of jobs that are made for mom's... and dad's.. because so many people have kids, if the companies aren't flexible and family friendly, then they lose good hardworking people! my company is really family friendly and i just use that to my advantage when doug's home.. sometimes i go into work at 7am.. sometimes i go in at 9.. either way, at the end of the week, i've still completed my 40 hrs.. but i can schedule around him, around weekend travels, around vacation etc and as long as you get your time in for the week, nobody cares when/how/where you did it!

[jamauk]

Lisa,
I hope you are having a better day today! I LOVE the hour to hour or even minute to minute advice! I will definately keep that in mind the next time I'm having a melt down!