Family and time question

[Regina]

Okay, here's the deal.....my parents and my husband's mom live within walking distance from our house (I wouldn't recommend this). We also have 2 of his sisters (which converts to 23 cousins living down the street from us too). Morally and such, we have much more in common with my husband's family, including kids our kids' ages, etc. We actually have virtually nothing in common with my family. I really don't like to be around them because we argue or they tend to belittle me or my parenting style.

So here's the dilemma: My parents have this jealousy issue about, if they see us at my in-laws, how much time we spend over there. "You were over there until 8pm...You never stay until 8 pm at our house." I am sick of the jealousy thing. I try to spend time with them, but my kids like to be around their cousins. I am not going to make them stay inside and force them to spend time when they don't want to. At my parents, they veg out in front of a movie. At their cousins, they run outside and play, swim, and such. So finally, I told my mom that she needs to stop this jealousy thing. The kids like to spend time with their cousins....period.

I've been honest about it; I have ignored the subject, but I just don't get relief from her nagging. I am not going to force myself or my kids to go over there. I didn't ask them to move right by us, and actually tried to persuade them to move somewhere else, but they followed me down here from Ohio. They criticize me all the time, so in a way, I feel like they moved down here to try to make me miserable, which logically, I am hoping isn't true. I just want to be able to do what we want without this big jealousy/guilt.

Any suggestions...

[Adreamer's_wfe]

Figure out what things your family can help you do, and then run with it. If they moved to be near you, they care. My family is awesome, but I have learned that I need to be specific about what I need help with. My Mom would love to do my laundry, but it drives me WILD - I am picky, so instead I ask her to do things she does like and would be helpful to me. She waters my flowers, she gives the baby a bath, she makes the girls hair pretty, she irons clothes ( I really appreciate that one!!), yesterday I sent her out to get a rose to replace the one in the yard that died, she really got into it and I did not have the time... anyway, I so appreciate that she wants to help, but if it makes me me nuts or makes things harder for me, not really such a help. Everyone wins, I get help, she feels needed, the kids get time with her.

[christykay]

Oh boy can I relate. We also get along much better with my husbands parents and family than I do with my own. WHY?? Because of the jealousy issues from my side of the family. Luckily for us however both of our families live in CA and we are in CLT so we no longer deal with the "daily" dramas, but when we go home for a visit. Oh my goodness. My parents want a detail account of how many days at each home and how much "time" with each side. It gets old real fast. There is so much jealousy that when DH family comes for a visit I get the third degree from my Mom about my in-laws most recent visit. It is interesting however how my parents bitch and moan that they miss us, but have yet to make a trip to come and visit us. (Makes sense right?)

Just recently I have come to the conclusion and have made it known that we are raising these four kids and that I have a family of my own. Because of this I must do what is best for me and my family. And if that means not spending more time with the petty drama that unfolds when visiting my family than so be it. I honestly don't have time for petty jealousy, I am a busy Mom.

My apologies for not quickly responding to your post with suggestions, I can just absolutely relate. There was a time when we lived very close to each set of parents and I tell you the first year living out of state was a beautiful thing. Ok...as for suggestions maybe you could hold a monthly dinner date with your parents. Something that you don't do with the other family. Something that they could look forward to on a monthly basis. ???Just a thought???

[Regina]

I appreciate the advice.

I forgot to make this clear about my parents: they didn't want me to have any more kids after my first. They won't help at all because "I made my bed, and now I need to lie in it." or the other good one "We don't want to enable her to have more kids."

I barely use babysitters, and my parents are of little to no help. They criticize everything I do...always have. I use to want to move out of my house the day I turned 18. I have a brother and two sisters that they just adore. I use to invite them over to dinner a lot, but then it was always,"You should do such and such with not letting the kids eat around the house, making them clean such and such, your paint job is crap, did you put garlic in this?" It got to the point where I was so stressed out having them that I just stopped. A priest told me that they use me as a walking mat and that I shouldn't put up with it. They hate my husband because of us being Catholic and they don't believe in much.

I can't wait to be able to afford some land so that we can move. I advised them to move some where else, when they were looking for land. I almost had a nervous breakdown (not exagerating) because of one of their visits. I had told them they could come down anytime but a certain week because that was hubby's vacation week and we wanted to do some things as a family. They planned it specifically on the dates that I told them it was a bad time, and then told me that I didn't own Florida and they could do what they wanted....although they wanted to stay at our house. Another time, my mom made trouble while using one of hubby's airline buddy passes by starting up something about one of the airline employees stealing her jewelry out of her bag.

To put it frankly, it is difficult to be around them at all. She is a very depressing person. I love my parents, but I have my own family now (hubby and kids), and my parents don't accept the leaving your mother and father and becoming a family with my husband and kids.

[LauraL]

So you have three siblings, and you make the fourth. Why in the world did they not want you to have more than one child?? They're obviously in favor of large families. They don't make much sense.

Are your parents the controlling type? You say they adore your brothers and sisters. Maybe they "obeyed" your parent's demands as children and maybe as adults.

It sounds like you live your own life and don't agree to take orders. You have an absolutely beautiful family (I actually pulled my husband to the computer to look at your kids. So cute and oh my gosh they look so alike!) I don't have advice for how to cope with your parent's attitudes toward your family. But I do know you sound enamored with your children and husband - so you've obviously made all the right decisions in life!

[Adreamer's_wfe]

I am sorry to hear that your family treats you so poorly. How sad that they cannot just enjoy their grandchildren. It would be hurtful for them not to accpet you, but to deny your children is cold. I am confused as to why they would live near you and not one of your siblings, it they enjoy them.

I say follow the priests advice!! If the Father said it is okay, I would take the advice and run with it. Simply start telling your parents that you do not enjoy their company, they make you feel bad about yourself, their presence stresses you out and so you choose to not spend time with them. You can tell them nicely and graciously.

I have the same problem with my MIL - but she lives half way around the world and speaks another language. LOL Plus, DH has learned NOT to translate things that will tick me off, no matter how much they insist.

[Brenda]

Holy smokes! I felt like I was reading about me. I am so sorry things are the way they are. Same situation here. To top things off, I think I might have really ruffled their feathers today. I told them that my ultrasound is going tobe next month on ? date. That we were all going to go. She got super excited and I had to tell her that When I said "we" I meant, we, as in Eric, the boys and me. She couldn't UNDERSTAND why she couldn't go.
We moved from Orlando to Evansville, IN to be closer to dh's parents. And now he commutes! We live 2 short blocks away. They NEVER see the kids. Heck, they never see us. They never want to spend time with them. It's like pulling teeth to have my MIL watch them for 1 hr. She, more than my FIL cancels on me at the last minute everytime I need her. Even as I was zipping up suitcase on my way to airport to catch a flight! I don't even ask her anymore to watch the boys. When she offers, she calls back a few days later and cancels. So I finally said to her, Oh, that's okay, I know how easily you get flusterred, so I figured you'd call back" It's the truth, and she hates that I know her game.
There was a point, still to this day, they want his schedule so that they can leave the day he has to leave on a 4 day. Frankly, I don't care that much anymore. I've made friends that have been such an enormous help to me.
Good Luck!

[Kristie]

just a quick question that i'm not sure anyone has asked yet... have you stood up to them at all or do you "take it like a woman"? it may be that the attitude continues because your not stepping up to the plate and being point blank honest. it might hurt their feelings but it will stop them from using you as a door mat. if you've already tried being subtle, then you already know that hasn't worked.. it might be time to have a sit down and talk or just come out and clear your chest. I had to do that with my dad after a while and it took some time, but we now have a better relationship because he understands that i'm an adult now and when i say no, i mean no.

Another time, my mom made trouble while using one of hubby's airline buddy passes by starting up something about one of the airline employees stealing her jewelry out of her bag.

you don't give her buddy passes anymore do you? that would be a serious no-no cuz you could lose all priveledges if it were to happen again. i would hate to see you and family suffer more because they're being ungrateful.

[TheWife]

I for sure think it's time to set up some clear boundaries. What does your mom want? More time with you? Tell her she can have more time with you, but insults and negativity are off-limits, and you WILL up and leave in less than a second if she can't respect that. Expect her to be pretty mad at first, parents don't like their kids to tell them what to do but sometimes they need it! I had to set some clear boundaries with my mom, everytime I'd mention something going on w/ my dh, she'd jump on me for it, take his side w/o even knowing the whole story, and give me a bunch of unsolicited advice, when all I did was make a little comment. I finally told her very clearly that it was wrong of me to have vented about my husband to her, that I wouldn't be doing it anymore, but that if something came up, all I was looking for was a "that really sucks, I'm sorry you are having a hard time!" She was mad at first, she felt like I was censoring her, telling her how to treat her own children, not "letting" her be a mother to me. But as time went on, she dealt with it, and we both are a lot closer now. Your parents sound a little more complicated than that, but I think it might help to set the same type of boundaries, and if they can't abide by them, and continue to be toxic to your family, then you need to do what you need to do.

[lucky81698]

My parents live 3 streets away from us. I am very glad for that. I don't get along with my mother all the time though. They invite us over for dinner and all I get from her is dirty looks whenever I eat something! And she always has some nasty comment to make too. I asked my husband if he noticed and he said he really didn't and asked why I let her bother me. Then finally one day I blew up and told her I don't want to be around her anymore and told her the nasty stuff she does and I won't put up with it anymore. She apologized and said she didn't realize the stuff she was saying or doing. My father always says not to pay any attention to her too. She will be ok, and then she will start again. Now usually my dad will just say something to her and she stops whatever stupid stuff she was doing. She really can aggrevate the crap out of me! Honestly though, if it weren't for my father, I don't know if I really would want to live here.

Sorry not much along the lines of advice, but maybe if you come out and tell them the nasty things they say and do they will wise up!