Pilots Fly and Wives Cry - A Wife's Concerns

[ginjitsh]

I'm new to this forum and haven't had a chance to really buzz through everything yet but I wanted to pose some concerns that I have been facing as the wife of an instructor in transition.

It seems that the wear and tear of a pilot's journey...goals, dedication and devotion to all things of the air has exhausted me to the point of rather disliking anything about aviation all together. Now I've been told this is a normal thing to experience. But I'm having a hard time finding the balance. With one toddler and another on the way it seems between balancing a budget, cultivating a healthy family environment and anticipating the uncertainties of the future has nearly strapped my marriage down and tried to dissect it. The demands of getting into the airlines and accomplishing goals leaves my pilot very little time for anything but what the industry is demanding. Thus, I am left with much if not most of the responsibilities at home, financially, and with children. Doing many things alone not having the reliability factor involved because of the irradic schedule that pilot's in training and pilot's in their careers leave their homes with...not being able to afford a babysitter and be ever so far away from family.

All this being said the numerous fears that I've heard from pilot infidelity to wives in second place etc...all add to the burden and I guess I want some insight into how other pilot's wives deal with the stress of it all.

Can you be married to a pilot and provide a healthy home (meeting the needs of spouse and children) when there is truly no stability as far as when "The Aviator" is home and for how long? And if he is home...will the wife be? (work, school, children's education/activities). Seeing my husband twice per month is not going to cover it for a marriage. Am I single? Or am I married? And these are the questions that creep up.

I read a post about how great the challenges and changes were at developing character etc...but when do those things create a negative effect on life? Are the wives of pilots supposed to carry the weight of family and marriage around on our backs like cattle? (I say this only because if a man chooses a family, then shouldn't their be some greater responsibility or priority involved?)

Are we suppose to sacrifice our own dreams and future because there truly is no one around (EVER IT SEEMS) to alleviate the burden because our pilots are too busy with their own goals. (Yes, they say it's all for us...but in the end...days on end without ever seeing them doesn't sound promising). I don't like to alone. And maybe this is my problem. I've been independent all of my adult life and deal with being alone...but being alone to me is being single. It's not answering to anybody and being able to seek after my own goals the same way in which pilots seek after theirs.

I guess I'm somewhat old-fashioned in my views of family to. I'm married. I have children thus that is my focus on my dedication. (Not forgettign my own pursuits and gifts) I have a problem with being a full time mother and pursuing a full time career. At some point one thing is going to be neglected...or leave me exhausted (which is the state I am in now) Sorry if I'm baring my soul...but again...the marriage has been dissected and I would like some encouragement, truthful reality, insight or tips on how to balance a healthy family and still take care of individual needs (hobbies, friends etc...)

On one hand I see the passion with which pilots pursue their careers...but at what cost? And this is my greatest hang up. Is it fair for a family to be dragged along at the pace the industry puts on our husbands when at some point the flesh and blood of children and family and legacies needs to outweigh any material pursuit? Continual tears shed over daddy being gone and the disappointment of broken schedules doesn't create trust or stability in children.

But to say that it's the changes and the struggles that draw people closer while on one hand is a great truth, it is also the cause of great pain and in the end separation and family wreckage. The problem I have is that most, if not all pilots I have met cannot decide between their families and their careers. (Now I'm not bagging specifically on pilots because I think this is true with men in many careers areas and also some women), but it begs the question, "What is truly important in life?"

Now from the posts I have read so far I hear many women with similiar complaints but it seems along with it goes a resignation that they can neither change the situation (and for some don't want to) and do not expect their husband to change it either. (Not that they ever could with the demands that are placed on them by the industry).

Again, I apologize for the frustration rant...but I'm here looking for some answers. Perhaps I am not willing to accept the demands of the industry over the demands of family. In this I don't feel I am selfish. I think for many pilots wives...you don't truly understand what its all about until you are neck-high in the thick of it and then its like, "Where am I? Did I ever want this in the first place?" And I'm not bagging on my husband either. Every person has had a right to their own goals and pursuits in life...but are all pilots so hell-bent on getting to the top that family truly does become secondary? Or is this just an accepted quality/defect among most pilot's wives.

Any insight? Comments? Advice? Complaints? Thanks! ;-)

[Tallgrl98]

I appreciate your candor and willingness to put it all out there! This is a tougher life, in some respects, than most people realize when they sign up for it.

I think a great falacy about life in general is that we are islands in this world and that when we get married, the only person on this journey is our spouse. The truth is, marriages don't survive in a vacuum, no matter the profession of either spouse. Great marriages are created as a result of the couple AND the people that surround them. Maybe it would be good for you and your family to live closer to the base (it sounds like he might be a commuter?), and to join a church/temple/organization that would provide social ties for you while he's gone. I know something that has helped me living in Milwaukee was that we found a church with great women that have been a wonderful support. I am involved in serving in a few ministries at church, and that helps fill my time (which means I'm not thinking too much!), too.

With having children, maybe there is a MOPs program at your church (Mother's of Preschoolers) that you could join. They meet once a week and might provide valuable relationships for you.

All in all, it might be helpful to look at life one day at a time and not assume that how it is now is how it will always be. Once your husband gets to an airline and gets a line, you will be able to schedule your months better and he'll have more days off. It does get better, I promise you.

And I have to say, Frank always tells me that he does all of this FOR our family. He has made a lot of sacrifices for the two of us and is working very hard to move up in the industry in order to better provide for both of us. Ultimately the QOL (quality of life) that he is shooting for would benefit us both greatly in the end.

Is this hard? Sometimes it is VERY hard. If you are sacraficing your marriage over this, maybe it would be good to go over expectations and ways that you can make it work. Maybe a set "phone date" or meet him for breakfast at the airport when he has an hour between flights. It's hard, but your marriage is worth it. If you are a stay-at-home mom with a toddler, traveling with your husband every now and then might be a great thing to do. Maybe your mom could take the baby (soon to be babies!) over night.

I figure that if I wanted the kind of husband that has a 9-to-5 job, I could have found one. But instead, like you, I found a guy that has the passion, drive, dedication, heart, charisma and the guts to pursue something that he loves. And if he cares that much about his career, imagine how much MORE he cares about you. I know that my husband pursues me with even more dedication than his career. And I bet the same is for your husband.

Okay, last bit of advice, and then I'm done. Yes, AIDS (aviation induced divorce syndrome) is prevelant. Each marriage is unique because everyone is different. When I am crabby, nagging and a general pain in the butt while Frank is gone, he is not as excited to come home. But when I keep phone calls pleasant and upbeat for the most part, he is a lot more excited to come home. And since he knows I try hard to stay happy and strong for him, when I have the occassional emotional collapse, he is strong for me. It's a two-way street, I guess. Not to say it's the cure-all, but it's something that has made life easier for Frank and me. Happiness breads happiness.

And this board is a lifesaver. Just knowing there are women out there in the same boat is helpful to me. It makes me stronger because I think, "If they can do it and be happy most of the time, so can I!" Thank you!

[skyrocketocelot]

Originally Posted by Tallgrl98

And I have to say, Frank always tells me that he does all of this FOR our family. He has made a lot of sacrifices for the two of us and is working very hard to move up in the industry in order to better provide for both of us.

I agree. It took me quite a while to understand the why behind his actions; I took his decisions as I wasn't going to be his number one priority... ever; it was all about what he wanted. But he's convinced me that he has to focus on this until he gets to where he feels he wants to be and then I'LL be his uber-number one priority. Relationship-wise, I'm still number one, so though this is agony to go through right now, I know he's doing it for me. And that's amazing (sometimes, when I can appreciate it).

Not encouraging right now, I know. My heart really goes out to you that you feel you're the one shouldering all the burden of home, kids, and the relationship between you and your husband. Just wanted to let you know I've been and probably will be back in your boat. Definitly stay in touch, ok? We're rooting for you and we're here to help!

[flyershoe]

Originally Posted by Tallgrl98

I think a great falacy about life in general is that we are islands in this world and that when we get married, the only person on this journey is our spouse. The truth is, marriages don't survive in a vacuum, no matter the profession of either spouse. Great marriages are created as a result of the couple AND the people that surround them. Maybe it would be good for you and your family to live closer to the base (it sounds like he might be a commuter?), and to join a church/temple/organization that would provide social ties for you while he's gone. I know something that has helped me living in Milwaukee was that we found a church with great women that have been a wonderful support. I am involved in serving in a few ministries at church, and that helps fill my time (which means I'm not thinking too much!), too.

ginjitsh: When I first read your post I wasn't exactly sure how to respond just because there is so much negativity in what you said. So much so that I'm wondering if you knew that he was going to be a pilot before you were married? I know that once you finally get in it you have that moment where you suddenly realize "Hey, this isn't what I thought it was going to be?!?!" Everyone has that moment, but I would understand your frustration a lot more if he were a career changer. A lot of the gals on this board have had experience with them, too!

Unfortunately, this is just the way that things are and I don't think that any pilot's wife or SO resigns themself to the lifestyle - it's just the way it's going to be and we have no control over it. The hardest time for us was the first 6-12 months that he went to the airline. Commuting can take a big toll, too, which is why we're moving next year to be closer to base. We've talked about the future and how we're going to handle life with kids in this industry as well. Having a plan is very important... I know that you can't plan for bankruptcies, furloughs, etc. entirely, but it helps a lot if you have clear expectations of each other.

I think that being involved with a pilot is a testament to a woman's independence and self-sufficiency. I enjoy my "free" time while my bf is at work, and I enjoy it when he comes home even more.

Anyway, hang in there and please read through some more posts in this board.. if you find that we're doing a lot of in what we say, it's because we understand each other in ways that most of our friends/family members don't!! We all speak the same language here.

[Amanda]

I tend to notice that the women whose husbands became pilots after marriage or kids are more resentful of the situation.

Since I met Nick when I was, shall we say, "older", I was already independent and used to doing things for myself. I think this quality was very attractive to him. I was attracted to his ambition, drive, and passion for aviation. I KNEW going in to this relationship that he was a pilot and would be moving up the ranks and we would possibly be apart for periods of time (which did happen). Since he was getting started in this career right before we met (it was a big career change) it wasn't like we argued over his huge pay cut or anything like that. We also don't have any children in the mix. I think that is a BIG cause of friction. I can see how it could cause issues for the kids with all of the separation since he isn't there all the time (like you mentioned). I know we will have children (if my body is up to it) so we will have to cross that bridge later. I can't say for sure, but I don't think I will have resentment since I am already aware of this lifestyle. I will love my kids but I will also make sure I am not just 'friends' with Nick. I see this happen in other marriages after the kids come. There needs to be some romance, passion, and I won't forget to take care of me too, along with taking care of the children.

The sacrifice (if you want to call it that) I made was that I knew that Nick wanted to reach his career goals before he wanted to get married and have kids. He is a planner and needs his "ducks in a row". He wanted to work for a major and fly internationally and save $ before moving forward with anything else. Because of this we have dated 4.5+ years and are just now talking marriage and kids. We are in our 30's (I'm 3 yrs older) and I may not be able to have children b/c of my age. I have no idea b/c we haven't "tried" to get pg but it might happen. That is something we will need to deal with.

[Imachickadee75]

Oh boy can I relate.

A quick history. DH and I have been together 12 years, he spent nine of those years in flight school first as a student and then an instructor. He got on with an airline in August. I too am really struggling.

Our very strong relationship is based upon many things but two main ones are that we have always been each other's best friends that we prefer to spend time with over anyone else and that family is the paramount priority. I have to say, being an airline pilot shoots both of those out of the water. To be fair, DH calls me several times a day (get a good cell plan) and when he is home, we (our DS and I) are his main priority. However, this is not how I envisioned my married life either. It brings me to tears just to write about it. For the most part, I stay very busy while DH is gone with good friends and nurturing our son, but I really resent the fact that he is not a part of our daily life. I'm not anywhere ready to give up on us, but I really don't like it.

In terms of a previous poster's thought about did you know he was a pilot before you got involved? Well for me, of course I did. I married him while he was in flight school and knew hypothetically what things would be like. However, like I said, being together and being the priority in each other's life is what characterized our relationship. (Now before you think of me as a totally dependent, sniviling baby, understand we have almost always worked opposite shifts and when DS was a flight instructor he was working 13-15 hours a day during the week and I worked double shifts on the weekend while he kept the baby. We've always been ships passing in the night but still usually got to sleep in the same bed and at least see each other once a day.) I guess it just boils down to the fact that to me, being gone 4-5 days or more at a time does not a family/marriage make. Also in my defense, when we started flight school the goal was corporate not airlines. But after 9/11 corporate jobs seem to be filled by laid off airline pilots and DH is not confident he could find a corporate job he'd be happy with (no pager basically) without some significant hours under his belt.

In terms of infidelity, we went down that road before we got married. I have no concerns about DH's conduct when he's out of town. It boils down to the fact that we both know that the person we decide to cheat with had better be a keeper because there won't be anything left at home. DH is very honest with me and oddly enough doesn't spend a lot of time socializing when he's gone.

In terms of feeling overly responsible for things at home -girl I hear ya! I think the common frustrations of being a SAHM are definately multiplied when your spouse is out of town for long periods of time. Recently for example, I had DH take over paying the bills. He sits in a hotel room a lot and this is something he can do. This life change has been really hard on our budget to say the least and I was very tired of stressing about it. Now, its HIS turn. I also get angry about having to be a single mom. I did not get married and wait several years to have kids to turn around and be a single mom. It really hit home when I miscarried in Nov and almost passed out leaving DS alone and again late this winter when DS and I were both really ill with a flu bug. There wasn't anyone else to take care of him but me. What a HUGE responsibility.

However, with all that said, we are making it work. I'm not hopeless at all about our relationship, just sad and resentful about the way things are right now. I hang onto the hope that things will get better as he gains seniority, makes more money and gets a base closer and more commutable to home. I hope that after a few years in the airlines he will find a corporate job for a company where we live.

Its a hard road, and not one I would necessarily recommend for families. Just my two cents. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

Jackie

[Eastbayk]

It sounds like there is a lot you needed to get off your chest. Sometimes just getting it all out can make you feel better. The other ladies on here had some wonderful insights and we can all empathize.

I wanted to add that I'm in nearly the same situation as you are- married with a child, husband just starting with an airline. I'm only 2ish hours away from you. If you want to meet somewhere and have an in person chat, I'm open to arranging something.

Kim

[ginjitsh]

In my case I did know that he wanted to be a pilot. It was something he has dreamed about since he was young. He isn't exactly a career changer. But I guess with children involved there is a desire (and rightfully so) to want to have the fullness of a whole relationship. My mistake or perhaps in my ignorance I didn't realize all that a pilot's career entailed. (And of course it nots just pilot's...coudl be doctor's or any job that requires long hours from home) I think also that my husband has tried to convince me that there would be time for a family and a relationship etc...perhaps he also didn't know what he was getting into. I think he has just wanted to fly so badly that he has been willing to do or sacrifice anything to get there. So...perhaps in the discovery of it all I was just a bit disillusioned. Him telling me that his family was number one...yet putting his career at the top of his list in order to fulfill his goals just seems like a contradiction and one that we are working on getting through. However, regardless of the discovery process there is a point to getting married and expecting to enjoy the benefits of being married. I mean...who wants to be single with a ring on her finger? There are plenty of women who can settle for a large paycheck and trips to the mall while they stick their kids in daycare and take care of their husbands needs a few times a month but I can't say that I'm one of them. And I have heard that all this is being done for the sake of family...that it requires lots of patience but the fruits in the end will be worth it. But how much time has to go by in order to reap the fruits? Does it take 10 years for a pilot to reach his seniority and start really providing a healthy income and be able to spend more time at home? And if so...what is left of a marriage after that amount of time? You reap the fruits of time and money but have nothing left together. This is a concern of mine because it seems impossible to me to build a relationship on 3 days per week.

The single life is something I gave up in hopes for something better. It has to be better, right? Otherwise, why put in the time and energy required of a marriage for something just one step above single-life? There are plenty of single mom's that work full time, take care of their own homes and kids, maintain a minimal relationship with the child's father and kiss their kids goodbye once a week for "daddy" time. Perhaps I'm still on the discovery road...but a pilot's life really doesn't seem any better than that. And maybe I'm just too demanding but I do have a very high standard when it comes to the quality of a marriage. It would be the same with any relationship in which your husband is gone all the time. And in respone to one of the wives you commented: I understand the concept of accepting your husband working13-15 hours per day...but at least you get him at night...at least he is home or you can see his face once per day...that changes everything. My husband is still in that place and even now I struggle with maintaining intimacy. I guess its hard for me to be close to someone that I can't be relational with...it's easy for him to become a stranger when he's gone so much.

And I'm sure this does sound negative...but their are some significant and heart-felt concerns that I'm voicing because I happen to care about the well being of my future and that of my children...as much as I care for the happiness of my husband there are some basic and necessary needs that all families and marriages have that a husband is solely responsible for. But a career in aviation says basically "rain check". I'm just not convinced yet that a pilot's life is able to fulfill those. And I do hear many wive speaking about how they are happy for their husbands and how they don't like that he is away but enjoy when he gets back and I would agree. I am happy that he is fulfilling a dream but I have to be realistic too, Is being married to a man for only 3 days out of the week really what any wife wants? Do phones calls count? I had a long-distance relationship once prior to my marriage and I spoke more on the phone than I did with him in person. We had great conversations but absolutely horrid when it came to being relational on a face-to-face basis. It's just not the same. Especially with children involved. Without children you can have a freedom that is similiar to that when you are single. Your pilot is gone for 4 days and you miss him but you're fine becuase you have your job, your hobbies, your friends, your "girl-time". Children really removes that on a considerable level...not because you begin to neglect yourself...but because their is a little person around that demands nearly all of your attention and he has feelings and needs too. It affects also the quality time you get when your husband is at home...you can't separate your son/daughter from seeing their father when he's been gone for 4 days just because you wnat to go have a great day alone together? They need him just as much as you do. No person can truly understand the weight of that responsibility until they have involved a child in the picture...it changes everything and then the question becomes, "How much longer until he's actually home? Until we can actually feel like a real family?" And I don't know that that question has a solution. Retirement?

Again, this probably sound very negative...but the discovery process is still happening...and perhaps my limits are being tested.

[Eastbayk]

Kati, change your settings to accept PM's so I can respond to you. Thanks.

kim

[Kristie]

Originally Posted by skyrocketocelot

I agree. It took me quite a while to understand the why behind his actions; I took his decisions as I wasn't going to be his number one priority... ever; it was all about what he wanted. But he's convinced me that he has to focus on this until he gets to where he feels he wants to be and then I'LL be his uber-number one priority. Relationship-wise, I'm still number one, so though this is agony to go through right now, I know he's doing it for me. And that's amazing (sometimes, when I can appreciate it).

belive it or not, that's how it worked for us too...but it took me a REALLY long time to come to the realization that he was working his hardest to get to where he needed to be, for me.

I don't think that any pilot's wife or SO resigns themself to the lifestyle - it's just the way it's going to be and we have no control over it

true..because when Delta or whatever airline your spouse is working with points their finger to the floor and says "jump", you jump. scheduling dictates everything until you have a good enough seniority that you start controlling hte situation..but until that starts happening, it's not easy.