Pilots Fly and Wives Cry - A Wife's Concerns

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by Amanda

I have one of those focused men in my life! He was very straightforward with me when we met in 2002 and told me his goals. He was a flight instructor and told me that he wanted to fly internationally on the 757. He literally threw himself into flying and even though he always made time for me he did spend a tom of time on aviation- checking the boards, union stuff, friends in the industry, etc.

The best thing I did was educate myself with all the lingo and the industry. I remember doing searches for "aviation family" type websites and found a few sites ncluding this one. I even met a cool new friend to hang with- Kristie! Nick was pretty impressed that I took the initiative to find out all I could about his 2nd love (airplanes!). It has helped our relationship since I know what he's talking about.

One of my firends was married to a pilot for 8 years but never took an interest in his career, and now they are divorced. I'm not saying this is the only reason why they broke up, but it didn't help.

The last 4 years has been challenging, but now that he got his "dream job" he can relax a bit and concentrate on our future.

See, that's the thing. Take a pair of best friends and analyze their relationship. People STAY best friends because they're genuinely interested in one another, and when one friend takes an interest in another, it's just thought to be natural.

Often, when married people do it, it's conscious. Almost an effort. (Not saying this is true in your case, just generally.)

My husband takes an interest in what I do because he's just that into me. That is, he finds me interesting, enjoys talking to me, and so he enjoys listening to me (well, not ALL the time) talking about what I'm into. And the same is true for me and my feelings for him. I don't feel a need to actively try to take an interest in his flying; he loves loves loves it, so it's (usually) fun to chat with him about it. Anything I learn is a byproduct. (Mostly - he did teach me a lesson the other day because he wanted to know if it was as confusing as his student made it seem.

It wasn't.)

It was interesting to read that many of the pilot husbands are saying they're doing all of this "for you." I think it's sweet and everything, but I don't buy it, I guess. I mean, maybe in the end it makes sense: "I love this thing. Therefore, I must do it. The happier I am, the happier we'll both be, so in effect, baby, I'm doing it for you." Or they say they're doing it to get to the big-time money for the family...

I have to say - and this is NOT a negative reflection on the pilots, so it shouldn't be taken as such - BS. I think people work hard and spend a lot of time doing something because it's what they're passionate about. What they're doing might, sure, end up providing for the family, but so would other jobs that aren't aviation related. They're doing it because they LOVE it, and it very likely has nothing to do with you/us. If my husband said he were spending all this time flying and training and working his way toward [whatever] in the aviation world for ME, I'd laugh for a good hour.

Maybe an hour and a half.

But it's fine, I think, because I don't feel like there's a competition between me and his flying. I get bummed when a whole weekend is blown because he's instructing, but it's the same sort of bummed I'd feel if I wanted to hang out with my buddy and couldn't. ("Pooh!" said I to him when I learned of his schedule last weekend. )

Isn't it true, to some degree, that people NEED their passions, and if they can't fulfill them they'll be miserable? It seems like part of being with someone is understanding that passion and not expecting them to curb it or give it up or even make it about you/us. Our passions are part of who we are, period. Any passion takes time and energy away from other things.

That said: we don't have kids, which probably makes a HUGE difference. I have no idea how I'd feel about anything if I did. No bloody idea (and no real urge to find out).


(this post may have been incredibly disjointed. sorry.)

[ginjitsh]

I would have to agree that its not right to ask someone to give up their dreams and its good to know what you are able to compromise on and what you are not. It saves a lot of people grief. I think most people when they do step into a marriage have a tendency to think that the person they marry will automatically be adjustable and in many cases that doesn't happen. It's usually one-sided. (Someone told me once that you won't realize how selfish you are until you get married) And I think individually we assume that "being loved" means that the person we marry is now ready to give everything for us...when in reality they probably have the same idea themselves. However, I think that when considering marriage you have to be realistic in the sense that A) You need to know the dreams of the person your marrying. If you are marrying a man or woman that wants a big family then you have to consider that that is a love and a hope for them and that at some point you may have to compromise and give them what they need otherwise you will never be able to love them the way they are hoping B) Compromise is not an option its something that happens in every marriage otherwise its not really marriage...its just two people co-existing always having the option of getting out should the relationship get rough. And then...why get married? At least these are my thoughts on it.

Life will always bring changes and if your dreams are unmoldeable or unchangeable then marriage is probably never going to work unless you find someone who is of the same mindset and lives or is willing to conform themselves totally. You can't conform children to a career and you can't conform people to a career or dream. I guess I have looked at it this way...if my husband wants to look at me as being as controllable and predictable and mechanical as the plane he's flying...then I'm no longer human, no longer eternal or made up of emotions and soul and spirit...I'm just a machine that you fuel up anytime you need a ride. You can have a relationship with something that will rust and pass away and leave you retired and lonely...or you can have a relationship with something that lives and breathes and cares about your existance. The two have a hard time co-existing and I think those who find success in their marriage (especially in this career) are those that understand the difference and adjust their lives accordingly.

[SeatClutcher]

Compromise is not an option its something that happens in every marriage otherwise its not really marriage...its just two people co-existing always having the option of getting out should the relationship get rough.

I'm not sure what you mean by always having the option to get out...that option is always there, no matter how difficult actually leaving gets to be (whether one is restrained by finances, location, kids, etc.). But I do get what you're saying about compromise. Still, though, that's almost a common courtesy, you know? If you love someone, you do what you can - within reason/without giving up too much of yourself - to help them achieve what they want to achieve.

I like that you call it "compromise" and not "sacrifice."

[scissorhands]

I agree with Tambralyn.....The day after hubby leaves I usualy clean the house. I have to admit.....Im not picking up wet towels & clothes off the floor LOL. My husband makes a 100% effort when he is home. I can count on him to mown the lawn & food shop and he usualy has dinner made by the time I get home from work. I try not to fall into self pitty. He is the one sleeping in hotels,delays and shitty road food. While I am at home in my own bed. This lifestyle is not so bad.