Bad example for the kids?

[Imachickadee75]

I'm pretty new to this whole DH being gone thing and have a lot of questions . The most recent burning one is: For those of you with older children that have been living like this for a long time...do you feel like you are teaching your children that Dad has special precedence/importance and the whole world has to stop when he comes home?

That is basically what happens when DH comes home -our life revolves around spending time just with him. I'm afraid I'm setting DS up for a real disappointment in life if he has a normal 8-5 job but still expects his family to turn all attention on him when he's home -kwim?

Have any of you noticed that with your kids? Especially teen boys? Have they gotten the message that "they" as men get special treatment when they are home? Of course this could go the female route too, but it seems its mostly Dads being out of town here.

Just curious.
Jackie

[TheWife]

I think that's an interesting question. I think it's a good idea to make the most of the time you have with ALL family members, and when one is away more than usual, I don't see a problem with extra focus on them. However, just because dad is gone 4 days straight and then home for 2, doesn't mean that mom is 100% responsible for all things household wise, while he's gone, AND when he's back, PLUS making him feel attended to while at home. Instead, I think it's important for kids to see dad taking out the trash, giving mom a foot rub, scrubbing the toilet, and also giving each child some alone-time. Like everything, just do your best to balance it. If dad is home for 2 full days and then gone for 4, his 2 days home should be spent much like a dad's who is home a few hours every night and then goes to work again. If the kids see that dad contributes to the household, and they see that dad shows mom respect and appreciation, and that mom does the same for dad instead of chewing him out for leaving her to fend for herself, and everyone gets some individual attention, then I think you'll be just fine!

[Eastbayk]

I was thinking about this question this morning in the car (where I do all my best thinking).

My husband is a flight instructor right now, working 14-16 hrs a day, 7 days a week. Hopefully within the next 2 months he'll get hired on with an airline (these last few hours seem to be the hardest to get). He's had this 7 day a week schedule for almost a year now and we have a 4 year old son. We all moved out from CA to FL for his training so when we got here, everything was brand new and we knew no one. We had also only been living together for about 3 months before we moved, so that whole change took some getting used to as well. I'm pretty independent and my son and I had a life before Aaron came into it so I'm used to it being just me and him.

At this point, my son and I have settled into a routine and my husband takes part when he can. Aaron knows that we have things we do on particular days (saturday morning library, wednesday evening house cleaning...) and that if I drop everything to just be with him, as much as I want to, it would throw everything out of whack and wouldn't be fair to us. If I know he's going to have a day off, I will schedule something special for that day. But if it's last minute, we try not to change plans. The boys have special things that they do together (like going to Chuck E Cheese or hanging out at the airport) that keep them connected. I make it a point to take an adult school class so that I have some time away doing things that I like as well. I lined up a sitter for this so I don't have to worry about whether Aaron is available or not.

It's hard to say how things will turn out when Aaron is away for a stretch of time with an airline. I look forward to having days when he's really OFF because right now, he could get called in at any time. But I think it's important for all of us to keep up our routine, as much as possible. I'll probably be able to schedule special family things on the days that he's around and do more friend stuff on the days that he's not. But he'll also be expected to participate in the regularly scheduled activities as much as possible. It's all about finding the right balance for your family.

One thing that I found interesting is that here in Jax (wasn't so much in CA) is that a lot of stay at home mom's socialize only during the day and when their husbands are home in the evening, that's family time. And for whatever reason, they won't deviate from that to do a mom's thing or take a class or do anything else in the evening. In a way, that's almost doing the same thing as what you are asking about- when dad's home, we have to devote all our time to him. Personally, I'd hate being limited in what I can do because someone else happens to be home.

Kim

[Bigsweetie]

I don't think it's necessarily bad to spend quality family time when dad is home from a trip. In my opinion, that's the job of the family. To make coming home a happy welcoming experience.

I agree with previous posters about not changing your routine too much when he's home. But I also think it's important to teach your kids that family time is something that you MAKE SURE happens. I think it will let your kids know that, when you're a dad and not at work, you should be spending quality time with the family.

That's just my opinion though.

I think pilot's families have a leg up on other families in this regard because we learn to value each other more.

You know what they say... absence makes the heart grow fonder.