Help! - I don't think I'm cut out for this...

[lonelyheart]

I have been married for almost 4 years to a wonderful man, who also (unfortunately) happens to be an airline pilot. We met while he was a flight instructor. So, I've been around aviation for a while. However, he has only worked for the airlines for about 1.5 years and I have to tell you, I have hated every minute of it. I somehow managed to get through the training, being on reserve, and the horrible schedules of a newbie. He is finally at a seniority level as an FO that he can choose two days or day trips, but once he gets upgraded to captain, then the nightmare begins again. I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life.

This is my second marriage and I have two kids from my first who live with us. So, when he is actually at home, our alone time is limited. I hate it when he leaves on a four day and cry most of day after he leaves (and sometimes for days afterward). It's difficult to get too emotionally attached to him when he is home, because he is just going to leave again. I don't want to make him feel bad or guilty about following his dream, but this is tearing me up. Am I weird? Does it get any better? If so, how long will it take?

If the loneliness isn't bad enough, dealing with all of the uncertainty about where he will be with his career in five years just piles on more insecurity. If he decides to go with a carrier abroad, the kids will refuse to go with us and will stay with their dad, so I'll be totally alone in a foreign country - no kids, no family, no hubby!

Anyone got any advice? I know it is unrealistic, but I just want him to come home everynight like a normal family!

Lisa

[Bigsweetie]

Lisa,
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with this. When DH and I were dating I had a REALLY hard time dealing with it. It took quite a while to get used to it for me anyway. We dated long distance for quite a while so I got used to that, but when I moved closer to him (and was hoping to see him more often) it got ALOT harder.

The best advice I can give you is to try to keep yourself busy, make the most of the time that he is home, and post/vent here when you need to.

DH and I have had alot of ups and downs (no pun intended) in this business already, but I try to keep telling myself that it will get better/easier.

DH was working for a regional (til recently) and had a o.k. schedule but now at his new job he'll be gone for 18 days straight. That's going to be an adjustment for me especially since I have a 7mo. old daughter to care for. But I know that he loves what he's doing and is excited about this job. I just take it one day at a time. If I dwell on how much he'll be gone it would make me depressed. Instead i'm looking forward to having him home for 12 days straight! Right now he's in training and is home every night. You know what, I think we fight more now than we did before. LOL! The grass isn't always greener on the other side. LOL!

((((Hugs))))

[MQAAord]

It sounds like you're basing a lot of your happiness on him being home. Try to find happiness in YOURSELF, and things you do rather than just concentrating on wanting him around every night. Ask yourself 'why' is it so important to have him home every night. Is it the company? Someone to help out with household chores? Not wanting to be alone in the night? Maybe targeting specifically why you want him home can help you deal with him not being there everynight. After all, if it's company you want, you can talk to friends, talk to him via phone, talk to family, make friends on internet chat boards .

Basically, have a life that extends beyond just having him around. If it makes you feel any better, I actually get more done and am FAR more productive when my dh is not here. It's one less person to clean up after, cook for, & deal with!

As for coming home every night like a normal family....... well, him being gone IS normal for THIS family! Airline life is all I've known for 10 years now, so it is quite normal for me. I enjoy it when he's here, but I enjoy it when he's gone too.

[Chi829]

Lisa-
If I can do this, YOU can do this. Ask anyone here,,, this has been a VERY tough transition for me,,, or should i say, this IS a very tough transition for me,,,,,,,Im still finding ways to make things easier when he is away,,,, he has only been at this since Oct of 04' and things get better and easier every day..... feel free to PM me or email me. I could go on and on,,, but I don't have the time right now(im on lunch break) I would love to share with you how I continue to habdle and deal woth the transition!

[Chi829]

Lisa-
Check your inbox, I sent you a private message!!

[Shelbysmom]

I can only second everyone else's advice ... you have to find a life of your own to keep you occupied while he's gone. The flying life has been known to make a mess of marriages, and you have to commit to working at it all the time, both of you.

Find things to do that you enjoy. If you have a job, get to know your coworkers. Make friends you can see while he's gone. Use your pass privileges to visit family. If he has a trip that's worth it (where he's in a decent hotel for more than a few hours at a time) go with him. Get a hobby - I picked up cross-stitching. Take a class - cake decorating at Michael's, tae kwon do, check out your local community college for adult education courses - they teach everything from gourmet cooking to sewing. Anything that will keep you busy and content.

The job security stresses are, unfortunately, here to stay for a while, at least for most of us. Eventually they will pass. Those are what are the hardest for me - I need security and I am a mess now that ours is threatened.

This isn't an easy life, but it has its rewards. Try to focus on those, keep yourself busy and make the most of his time at home. Hang in there - it will get better.

[Kimberly]

I can hear a lot of myself in your post. I cried EVERY time DH left for the first 3 months. (not to mention I was also post pardum, as I now have a 7 month old). When she was born, DH was thankfully home for the first 9 days of her life, then he was on 5 off 2-3, and based in EWR, a noncommuntable base!! So I felt totally abandoned!! It does get better. We look at it, as the times when he is home is time for us both to get recharged so that we can go again for 4-5 days apart. It allows us to really cherish the time we do have.

He has been flying commercially for almost a year now, and I have discovered that you cannot let it dominate your life because if you do, you will never survive-- and you will just be miserable.

My DH and I write his schedule on a calander as soon as he knows it. I kind of plan activites with girlfriends, outings with my baby girl, and house projects, cleaning errands etc for when I know he won't be here so that I can make the most of that time.

I also try to plan date nights for when he is home so that we can have some decent time together. I would also encourage you to not think too far in advance. That will also tear you up. Just take it one day at a time. I have learned that you can count on NOTHING in this industry, and that NOTHING stays the same EVER. So just don't even try to project where you may be 5 years down the line.

I really had some anger problems when he first became a pilot. When we married he was a "computer guy". And after 4 years of marriage, out of the blue, he quit his job, went to flight school, became a flight instructor, reduced our overall salary by 80%, lost the hopes of a new car for me, a new house, postponed children, and changed everything. I am one of those wives who was and still is (if I could be) attached at the hip to my husband. We are best friends. So I often found myself saying, " I just want a life like everyone else, a normal life. I didn't marry a pilot, I married a computer guy. I didn't baragin for this." In fact, there are times I still think that. But when it comes right down to it, I think I can speak for everyone here, in that WE MARRIED OUR HUSBANDS BECAUSE OF WHO THEY ARE. Each and every one of them has the passion to fly. It is in their blood. And because we love them, and it is part of them, we have found a way in which the life of a pilot's wife becomes normal to us because our husband's have chosen this, and we have CHOSEN them. I have an enormous amount of pride for what my husband does. I cheer him on in that endeavor. In saying that, I also have to have a life of my own- that is fullfilling to me-- so I also have to endeavors of my own that make me who I am.

I hope some of this is helpful. Sorry for the long winded note. Sometimes its good for me to hear it myself talk it through too. There will be hard days (for me today is one of those days). But it does get easier. This board has been such a blessing to me. Because nonpilot families truly do not understand.

[Kristie]

Already some really great & wise replies!!

How old are your children? are they old enough to stay home on their own? If not, find a babysitter and stop making excuses for not getting enough "alone time" with your hubby...create date nights.. do what you have to do to get that time you need...obviously you need more attention than your getting and by not taking care of yourselves first (then the children), your hampering the things YOU need.

Myself, I work a full time job, don't have kids yet.. but when I took my job - I made sure it was on a flex schedule... when i need extra time with DH, I take it... I don't wait for it to come to me (anymore)...I'll shift my week schedule entirely and if i need to take a wednesday off because he's home, my people understand that a pilots life is different than their own and they know that i'll still get my hours in for the week. right now, i'm in the process of a test trial - working 4 - 10 hr days and taking friday's off...I do the same thing with *our* travel schedule, take the time when we need it...to me, this is normal life...most others think i'm nutz...but if dh went to a 9 to 5 job, it would drive me INSANE!! literally...I would go crazy!! I'd never get time to myself.. i'd never be able to get my projects done..I dunno what i'd do about having a 35 yr old kid on my hands to keep entertained all day much less just trying to keep his hands off me so i can get some stuff done - sheesh! haha

but honestly, there's no time to wait, we're not here long enough to let opportunities pass us by. you gotta get out there, grab them by the balls and run with them as fast as you can.

make the time for you and dh...when he's gone, do everything that needs to get done during that time - in a sense, your creating MORE time to spend with him (& keeping you busy) without having errands to do whether it's laundry, bills, fix it things, you name it. when you don't have things to keep you occupied, find a hobby.. something you've been wanting to do but haven't and do it.. find yourself again as an individual (before marraige) and do the things YOU like to do when dh isn't there to do them with you!!!!! you need to be YOU too - separate from the pilot wife & mommy role.

Like Amber, I'm most productive when dh is GONE.. i get the bills done, laundry done, errands done...my schedule is full but when dh gets home, my schedule is empty. you have to take the best of both worlds, combine them and COMPROMISE! he for you, you for him...he knows that i relish my time alone.. i'm very independent and I need my "me" time...but he knows that when he comes home - i'm there for him and i put pretty much everything (unless it's important) aside for him.

like Dr. Phil would say "If you need his help, then he NEEDS to help you... and if he needs your help, then YOU need to help him"... there's no "I" in Team and that's what a marriage makes - it's a team effort.

When your having hard times, you need to talk to him - see if there's a compromise.. if this airline deal isn't working out for you, then talk it over with him and see if cargo might be better (pretty much the same schedule though)... or corporate (probably worse schedule)...or something else...right now, it seems that cargo is the way to go with all the ups and downs in the airlines - but one thing is FOR SURE: if you leave the airline, you LOSE your seniority and it's your seniority that makes EVERYTHING better in the long run....sure, it takes it's sweet old time and for a while, everything is, as i call it, "schedule dictated".. but once your seniority starts kicking in (and believe me - everyday is a day UP when it comes to seniority) it's becomes "YOU dictate the schedule" and you become more in charge of your lives and you start making more $$ along with it...it goes up exponentially BUT you have to put in your *dues* just like everybody else and that means that your going to go thru growing pains...pretty much like we all have and are...and like your going thru now.

marriage takes work.. work isn't easy... your first marriage unfortunately didn't work out...I'm assuming since your here talking to us that you don't want this marriage to turn out like your first marriage and it's absolutely awesome (pat yourself on the back!!) that your even willing to come out, show your heart and talk about it - that's only going to help!!... you knew what you were getting into when he was a flight instructor....so you know what needs to be done - you & he need to sit down and talk out the issues...communication, compromise and above all - patience is what it's going to take on both your parts..it may seem like your compromising more than he is, but eventually, he'll be compromising more for you because of your support!! just like any growing pain, in marriage you can grow apart or grow together... by communicating to each other, your going to help yourselves grow together and grow stronger.

remember - we always miss our dh's but as a "unit", because they're gone so often, we actually end up valuing the quality time more than any other profession out there (besides other folks that travel a lot) and if you think about it, after a while - he'll be home more often than even 9-5ers are...

now, the kids need 2 strong parents who are "into each other" and want to make it work...so get that babysitter (if you need one), clear your schedules and get the attention you need!!

btw - why do you think dh would take a job abroad?? does he have citizenship elsewhere?

[Kristie]

OH, one other thing to think about...

Keep in mind that seniority goes up as you change bases and/or seats...

for example, my dh could switch seats in the aircraft he's currently in and he'd have to go to ATL for a few weeks of capt training...he might get better trips, he might not - it depends on where his seniority lies as a capt vs an FO...

but..he can also opt to fly the ER (international) if he wanted to...his seniority isn't high enough for ATL yet where he would be off reserve with being able to get a decent schedule.. but if he went to JFK, he'd have a high enough seniority that he'd be able to get good trips along with good commutability and so forth...

now, my point is that if your dh chooses wisely, he could switch bases, seats and even aircraft.. go for "mega" training all at once and be able to get a better schedule, maybe even better commutability...it all depends on how you play the game!

my dh is currently sitting FO on the md90 in SLC.. he's waiting for his seniority to be high enough that he can go to the ER in ATL, sit F/O for a few years AND have a decent schedule to where it doesn't impact us as much as it could if he didn't have the right amount of seniority...when he does go that route, it'll mean 6 weeks of training in ATL which will be pretty darn harsh for both of us...

but in the end, he'll have higher seniority...with that, he'll be able to bid better trips, get more time at home and make a higher salary...at that point, it's well worth the effort, on both our parts!

so it really all depends on how you play the "game" - everything is seniority based and if dh goes somewhere (aircraft, base, seat) where he has higher seniority, then it becomes easier to play and win the game.

[lonelyheart]

In fact, he is from India. His plan was to come to the US, get his hours and his ATP, then leave for an airline somewhere in the world, or maybe even fly for the US military. However, when we met, all of that changed. He remained at the flight school longer than he wanted to because I wanted a better chance to get to know him before he started flying for an airline, and the kids only complicated the matters.

He has travelled a lot with his parents and lived in several different countries while growing up. So, he doesn't have any inhibitions about living in Europe or Asia. He says he wants to go wherever the money is and wherever he can get a 'stable' job. Although, he says he will compromise and stay where he is for a while so we can have a chance to strengthen our marriage while he has the 'senior' lines.