OH those MIL's...

[Kristie]

ok, this is gonna be long cuz i HAVE to vent...or it's going to eat me alive!

Let me start by saying I love my mother-in-law to death...she's one of the nicest ladies i know, always helpful.. wanting to stay out of the way and there for support when we need it...what most would consider the "bomb" of MIL's and the qualities all daughter-in-laws want in an MIL.

...BUT...

having my MIL here in the house for 3 days has been constantly stressful unfortunately.. I mean, you'll never meet a nicer lady, esp one that WANTS to stay out of your hair.. but she SO wants to stay out of my/our hair that she wouldn't eat anything i cooked, brought her own apple, pears & trail mix to eat for dinner, lunch and probably brekkie if she wanted to.. wouldn't sleep in my guestroom - had to sleep on the downstairs couch...didn't want to bother me a bit.. not ONE bit...didn't want to help me with anything (except she did help me take the chicken fence off the back fence cuz it's being painted next week - for that, i'm extremely grateful!).. didn't want to come on my errands with me (just to even get out of the house).. didn't want to drive anywhere...she even had the balls to bring her OWN toilet paper and that was the one thing that made ME feel completely inadequate & offended... i mean, good god..i have plenty of TP and i can provide food, shelter and everything she needs...

her reasoning for bringing her own TP is because she checks her diabetes level on a daily basis and likes to use 1 sheet (not two-ply like i have) of TP...but shit, i have more than 1 roll of TP for her use and i can always buy more if we needed to (but we don't need to). but anyways - that was just the thing that really got to me.

she wouldn't sit on my family room couch - said it took too much effort to get out of it. wouldn't sit in an office chair - said she'd probably fall out of it and break a hip... so she sat in one of my resin patio chairs all weekend long - watching TV!

granted, she's 67 years old - but that doesn't mean she's dead and can't do things with me...I had to pry her away and try my damnest to get her to interact with me... doug says "she's just that way, don't worry about it" but shoot, what kind of daughter-in-law would i be if i just ignored her for 3 days on end?

what - does she not trust me to provide the necessary items for her to stay under my roof or does she think i'm going to poison her or something? I sure as heck don't want her to starve just cuz she's staying in our house! I made my own steak & potato for dinner tonight because she didn't want any...I made her one too just in case she got hungry later and nope, she said "ahh steak for doug to eat when he gets home huh?" and i said "no, if you get hungry and want to eat it, please do...otherwise, doug probably will eat it tomorrow for lunch or something" and yes, i did eat it in front of her because i was starving...i was not going to be PC about the smell of steak in my house or the fact that i was eating it. i figured, if she's going to be that way.. then there's just not much i can do - i can't force her to eat...

heck knows, if i would have made that pot roast, she probably wouldn't have even tried it so i just decided to forget that.

but i had to force her to do things with me...i made a great batch of sun tea on friday, just for her (started it before i went to work).. and she wouldn't even try it... i even told her i made it just for her cuz i knew she liked sun tea & she still wouldn't even take a glass....so to get her to try it, i asked her if she could try it and let me know if the sugar content is good cuz i'm still "learning" how to make the mix correctly.. to get her to interact with me more, i took her to joann's with me to pick out some greenery for the house...but if i would have just ignored her presence, she would have been fine with it and that REALLY bothers me...

some people hate having their in laws over because they're so bitchy or always getting in the way or because they tend to "take over"...i kinda wish my mom in law would be a little more "that way" just so i could get some reaction out of her...i'd want to go shopping with her or go see a movie or just take a walk upstairs and check out the new room we decorated and use the guestroom i made up especially for her - candle scents and all... she choose the room downstairs that had a sofa bed but she didn't use the sofa bed (she didn't want me to pull that out probably cuz it would "impose") and that room has all my garage sale stuff in it.. the only room in the house that i didn't put a burning candle in to freshen the scent...now, to me, that was an imposition because i had to rearrange all the sheets, down comforter etc downstairs....

i mean, i can't do a damn thing to please her because she won't even allow me to DO anything for her... i went to starbucks a couple of times cuz i like my chai's on the weekends and she didn't want a coffee or anything.. so i bought her a tall chai anyways and a marble pound cake...i had her try the chai and told her if she didn't like it, i'd drink it...well, she drank it but probably NOT because she wanted to...all i want to do is show her a good time - entertaining someone can be fun sometimes as long as the person is into that.. show her that i'm a good wife that takes good care of her son.. she says "i already know all that and you don't need to worry about me".. the last thing i want her to say is that she had a hard time being comfortable in my house because i didn't "do" anything...doug says she won't cuz that's not how she is and she probably won't.. but wouldn't it just be awful to have her go home thinking i didn't do a damn thing for her?

I remember my mom's mom doing something like that... my dad would try so hard to please her and yet, my mom's mom would go home saying "my daughter's husband doesn't do anything right, why the heck did she marry him".. granted it's different but has the same type of feeling.. i couldn't do anything that would please her - not even buy her a cup of coffee or take her out for dinner - she didn't even give me an opportunity. i even got her some coffee and bread (to make her morning toast) for breakfast and she didn't even use one slice...

I dunno... i guess you can't have it all ways...she could be just as bad in the other direction (like most MIL's) and i'd probably still complain but if she'd only WORK with me instead of constantly staying downstairs, eating her own food, using her own supplies etc etc....how can i work with someone like that to get them to open up to me and take advantage (be on vacation) when she can?

I had to pry converstation out of her.. what kind of music do you like - "all of them", what are your favorite types of movies - "I like them all".. it's just very hard to get to know her likes/dislikes! :-P

now the only thing is that i can't tell doug about this cuz then he'll get on his mom's case for not being more "cooperative" and honestly, if that's how she is on a normal basis, then i shouldn't be the one changing the way she does things, i have to meld and understand how she does them - but next time she stays over...i'm just going to have to pretend she's not even there cuz apparently, that's REALLY what she wants. it's just not acceptable to me yet.

gosh, i dunno what's worse.. having an MIL that gets in your way or having an MIL that constantly wants to steer clear of you in any way possible (even in your own home)?!

thank you all for thinking of me this weekend, for your kind words of advice and for the pot roast recipe(s) down in the recipe section... I'll use it on doug cuz i know he'll try my cooking! :-)

[roz]

I'm sorry you had such a trying time. I would definately talk to Doug--not so that he chastises his mom, but perhaps he can give you some insights. And he can tell you some of the things she likes. People don't suddenly develop behavior patterns that are out of the ordinary.

You mentioned that she is diabetic. Glucose levels impact moods and behavior. It is possible that her irrational reactions was due to an imbalance (which wasn't helped by her refusal to eat).

Perhaps you can approach it from the stance that you are worried about her health since she would not eat anything and appeared withdrawn (would not do anything with you, did not interact with family members at the party).

[Kristie]

she's actually not diabetic.. she just likes to "pretend" she's diabetic so she watches what she eats...i mean, that's fine and all.. i had bought some fruit to eat but all she wanted was to eat her pear and her apple that she brought with her..even the cantaloupe or pre-cut mango wasn't enough to get her to pick up a fork.

to me, if i were used to how she behaves, it would have been fine.. but with it being in my home - it felt like she didn't want any of my hospitality... none of it... if i would have allowed her to sleep on the floor, she probably would have.

being able to treat someone and being able to show and/or demonstrate my hospitality is a big thing to me.. to not accept ANY of it is like a slap in the face.. as if she wants nothing to do with me...but i know it's not that because doug says "that's just how she is - she HATES imposing". it just still feels the same...like my hospitality is an imposition on her!

last time we went over to her house for the holidays, it was really dusty...now, i don't normally mind it except his older brother lives at home and does nothing but sit on the couch all day.. me, in my "let me help" type of nature really wanted to take a rag and dust for her... but doug told me that would probably be insulting her, so i didn't... but by mentioning it, he mentioned it to his mom and his mom was completely embarassed about what i said and how her house looked to me and i just don't want that to happen again...doug already feels like prying into it and trying to figure out what's up with his mom's behavior this weekend (because apprently, some stuff isn't adding up) and i just wanna leave it and move on.

if that's how she is (quiet, withdrawn, unobtrusive) - then it's not my place to do anything about it. I just have to figure out how to meld with it for the next round of visits...and make sure doug is going to be home. haha

[Chi829]

Kristie-
Wow.... what a bummer. Sorry the time with your MIL didn't go a little better. Is she this way around Doug too? Was this the first time the two of you were alone together? I think I remeber reading that It was. I agree with Roz. I would bring it up to Doug, but in a way that you are concerned about his mother. See what he suggests and if she is the same way around him.........
Good Luck. :grin:

[roz]

How old is she? How do you know she is pretending to be diabetic? (I'm just asking--please don't think I am doubting you). She could also be depressed. After my dad died, my mom was by herself--although in a condo in Edmonds, WA with lots of loving neighbors with whom she spent a lot of time. She was fiercely independent and getting more pronounced it eccentricity (ie--all the habits of her younger years were exaggerated). After she broke her hip and I had to move her to PA, I discovered that she had begun to write her name, address and phone number on little slips of paper and put them in everything--pockets, etc. I cried. How frightening it must be to know that you are losing your memory. She never said a word about it. From then on I took care of her to make sure she was secure--nine more years.

First the housekeeping goes. Then the personal hygiene. Then they don't know when they've hurt themselves. I've been through the cycle.

Living with a son who does nothing is not the answer!

I really think you need to approach it from a medical view.

[Kristie]

perhaps! I'll talk to doug about the medical side of it tonight...

she's 67 and doug told me she's always checked her blood sugar level to save her from becoming diabetic - she is overweight but is also currently losing weight. she's just a real quiet woman most of the time.. doesn't get up often and doesn't talk to others much - with doug, she'll only keep him on the phone for less than 10 minutes if not 2 minutes at a time! she just doesn't want to "bother" him.

her personal hygiene is fine...and it didn't seem like she'd hurt herself at all, altho she did have some trouble going up the stairs - i could see why she didn't want to stay up in the guestroom if it's something with her knees...

but yeah, your right.. i should look at it medically too.. so i will bring it up with doug tonight. thanks!

[roz]

Good! But what I am saying is that the FIRST thing that goes is the upkeep of the property. Things go along and then there is a precipitous (sp?) drop--the next thing that goes is the personal hygiene. Things go along and then the next drop is that they don't know when they have hurt themselves. My mom never called for help after 24 hours when she broke her back. She was out of it. The neighbors called for help when she didn't show up to watch movies as ususal. My MIL also hurt herself and didn't know it. That was when we had to move her out of independent living at her life care community.


Oh, and you are never prepared for the sudden drop in levels. It's a fact of life.

[Kimberly]

Wow! Kristie I am so sorry.... Just know that you did everything you could to be a good hostess, and it was her choice to not accept your hopsitality. I can identify in that being able to offer hospitality to someone else is very important to me and when someone doesn't accept my offer, it can be quite hurtfull. Well, just know that you did everything you could, and you can't say you didn't offer. Doug is so lucky to have you. I am sure that your MIL feels that way about you as well, whether she can express thatto you or not.

[Kristie]

yeah.. i know...doug and I had a big talk last night and he knows that she went so far with *not* imposing that she was, in fact, imposing...so he's going to have a talk with her since he knows how to talk to her and i don't...he said we were both on a "learning about each other" level and it was only our 2nd time seeing each other (we don't see her very often)...and that i did the best i could with what i had to work with...

her health is fine.. doug told me that she is borderline diabetic and she has to watch her sugar - wish he would have reminded me of that before hand! so now, the food/sun tea thing make sense...only she *could* have told me when i handed it to her and she choose not to... i don't know why she wouldn't have told me some of this stuff - not like i remember everything out there!!

but he's sure we'll get it figured out...so i feel better about that at least!

it's just strange to me that she's so against imposing - that she actually ended up imposing.. ya know!? very weird!!