attending the spouses family reunion minus one spouse

[Kristie]

ok, so my MIL (mother in law) is coming into town this weekend for a family reunion on her side. apparently, her cousin is holding the family reunion and we're all invited. so all of these relatives are like 2nd/3rd cousins to doug, not necessarily immediate or close family, as he's never even met any of them, they just live in the same city we do.

since doug's going to be out of town, it's going to be just me and her..i've been invited to the family reunion, but again, i dont' know a soul except for doug's mom that's going to be there.. and again, doug is black, his mom is southern black and my fear is that i'm going to be the only white chick there.. that i'll have absolutely nothing in common to talk about and i'll be like a complete outsider.:hair_rais

I get along great with his family and do notice that there are quite a few non-commonalities, like asking Daizah (doug's niece) how she gets her hair done and trying to understand how things are different between them and "me".

So the question is, do I go to this reunion with his mom? I'm ready to tell her that if she wants me to go, i'll go.. but otherwise, i'm actually quite scared that i'll be the only white m&m in the brown mix of m&m's KWIM?!

I'm thinking this could be a breakthru for me in getting to meet a large group of people that probably/possibly live a lot different than I do...people i really don't have that much in common with (thinking/getting outside the box)...but then, i'm also kindof afraid they'll scorn me for even being there, as in, i don't belong even though i'm married in...today's day and age is a lot different and technically, i don't feel as though i should feel that way.. but in another sense.. i do...

maybe it's because one of my mom's cousin's was ousted/disowned years ago about by marrying a black guy and when they came to the family reunion put on by my great grandmother, they were both "scorned" in public...that memory always comes back to haunt sometimes.

am i being too close-minded? does this even make any sense to anyone else out there? any advice? :speechles

[ATP]

Hmm, unless you have a real reason to believe that side of the family wouldn't like having you you there, I say go! You were invited, right... Can you go for only part of the time - show up, meet everyone, chat, and then go run errands or something while your MIL does more catching up with her relatives?

At the end of high school/beginning of college, I dated a guy who is from Mexico. I would sometimes go to parties and family type gatherings with him where I'd often be the only white person (and only person who didn't really speak Spanish). His family was very nice and friendly, and I always had fun. It wasn't a big deal at all.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that it could be really interesting and maybe fun to meet some of Doug's (distant) relatives. What does your MIL think? Does she want you to go?

[Kristie]

she's up for whatever I want to do...right now, she thinks i'm not going because doug isn't going to be there..after thinking on it - I think it'd be good to go as well, meet some of doug's peeps that live here in town so that we might all get together when he's in town sometime... plus, I had this revelation of sorts that i was being really shallow cuz doug always attends my family functions and he's normally the only black guy there.. he has no problems with it, so why should i?!

I thought I had broken all those old sheltered barriers my parents helped develop, but apprently not...I think attending this function will only be a benefit in the long run..

I have to admit that typing this out and dealing with the embarassment (yea, i am embarassed to admit that i'm still a little shy when it comes to getting out of my "realm") of having this up on the web is what really helped me to see the light a lot more.. the more i thought about "well, if someone else had written this, what advice would i give them" the more i could work thru it, seeing it from "outside the box"...

but thank you for your response!! it only confirms what i had worked through... the only way to face a challenge is to face it head on!

[Bigsweetie]

I'm glad you decided to go. I'm sure they'd love to meet you and hear about their "little Dougy!!" I know what it's like to feel so different in a crowd. When I was 9 my parents moved to a predominantly black neighborhood and when I started school I was one of two white children in class. It was quite an experience for me and I remember being VERY scared. There was one little girl in class, who one the first day, just kept smiling at me. She met up with me at recess and we became fast friends. It was a real eye opener to me and taught me alot.

Tanya

[MQAAord]

Look at it this way, it's a few hours of your life. Even if the worse happens, and you feel like an outsider and you're totally akward (which more than likely WON'T happen), it's only a couple of hours. Then you can go home and take a nice bath and go to bed. At best, you'll have a great time, meet some family, and you'll wonder what the heck you were nervous about!

[Kristie]

exactly...a couple hours of my life may possibly break more "gaps" with others than myself and it's not like it's a whole lot of time...so that's part of how i came to the conclusion of "kristie, your being such a stupid dummyhead about this"...

I've come a long way since meeting doug.. my parents actually disowned me for probably about 6 months when doug and I were dating and I had a lot of "repairing" to do after they started talking to me again...this is just another one of those barriers for me and i need to do what i did back then and stick to my guns..show people the person inside the skin and see them for themselves as well....i have a feeling it'll be alot of handshaking and a lot of fun! if anything, i meet some of doug's family members for him, that live in town here...

[Kimberly]

How did it go? I was thinking about you this weekend. Did you end up cooking for your mother in law? Hope the reunion was fun!!

[Kristie]

The reunion was pretty fun but i really didn't meet many people as many didn't introduce me to them, i'd introduce myself but it seemed like they'd brush it off more than anything.. maybe cuz of the whole "3rd cousin's wife" type thing or something...but even Statia who is the wife of my hubby's cousin (1st cousin) wasn't introduced to anyone.. my MIL hardly got out of her chair and nobody really talked to anyone except if they were sitting at a table with someone else...it was definatley different.. i didn't see any hugs going around and a lot of people left after food was served...definately different from my family stuff..haha

as far as the MIL being over - I'll start that in a different thread because maybe ya'll can relate and/or maybe not...but it may end up being good discussion...who knows! haha

Thanks for asking Kimberly!! I thought about you all too while i was there and wanted to thank you all for your support and for helping me get the motivation to just "go".

[Lurker]

Shame it was a let down

I used to hang out in the black community a lot when I ived in the UK and some of the famiy gatherings I went to were a hoot...GREAT food (cornbread, rice&peas etc etc)...not to mention the cocktails/punch.

I might not have the booty but apparantly I wind like a black chick in white skin. hehehe. Maybe that explains why whenever I go out, I tend to be a black guy magnet