How to get DH more involved at home?

[Kristie]

so now that we know most pilot families have difficulties with getting DH to contribute when they're home.. I'll ask you..

vs just venting about it... what type of opinions can we offer to eachother that would help get the DH's more involved?

cuz i'm assuming we all don't want to just vent about it without finding some sort of solution to try and implement right? to every problem has to be a solution or a compromise IMO even if it is taken at one step at a time!

I'll give my first suggestion to all of you:
Don't assume DH knows you need some help - men aren't mind readers by any means...tell him and make it clear (put your foot down if you have to - nicely but firmly) that XXX (and make a list if you need to) is what you need help with and you'd appreciate it if they could make some time, after they get their todo list done, while they're home to get all of them done.

Amber - with Brandon coming home soon, your going to need the help before you explode and/or putter out on energy...my suggestion would be to start out with the thing that irks you the most - seems to be the sleeping in - talk to bill about his constant sleeping in and see if you can compromise with him sleeping in on his first day back and the rest of the days going to bed/getting up on your schedule to help you with the little ones/home/yard - much less spend some time with YOU.

I find that changing one *small* thing at a time and getting them used to that one small change can lead to other changes for the better and if you start small - all the small changes will accumulate. I didn't find doug all "housewifey" and he didn't find me all accomodating either, he was partially there but thought since i was home, i had more than enuff time to take care of the bills, house, cats, litter boxes etc etc...I used to EXPLODE when it all got to be too much (about every 6 months) and we had to make changes with, actually, MY way of thinking to get me to be more open with him and tell him when I needed help. now, I tell him what i could use his help with when he's home and he puts it in his ipaq (todo list). Most of our communication problems dealt with me cuz us girls are just more emotional and we tend to think they should KNOW when we need something, which just doesn't happen.

There's no reason at all that you all have to deal with home life all on your own with no help whatsoever... the men need to understand that it's their household too and it takes two to keep the household up and running. even when your a SAHM, i don't think there are enough hours in the day to get it all done and take time out for yourselves.

I really don't know if ya'll even want to talk about what works for your family could work for other families.. but i figured i'd give it a shot anyways cuz even i can use some help with implementing a few small changes here and there to make our household work better! [img]images/graemlins/grinning-smiley-044.gif[/img]

[MQAAord]

I've tried talking to him about it. Many times.

It doesn't matter.

I've given up.

[marriedanaviator]

Kristie,

Thanks for the input. I definitely want to hear ideas for solutions to all of the little problems. That was the reason I started the thread in the first place. I like your idea about changing one small thing at a time, getting used to that change and then working on another. I will have to try that. And I agree that their first day home should be the "sleep in/free day" for them. I have never looked at it that way before, but I am imagining that if I can compromise and give him that, then he will be more willing to compromise on the other days.

Amber,

I can totally relate to your frustration with the hubby sleeping in. Mine does that too! I'm up at 7:30am with the boys, while he snoozes until 10:00am. It's very easy to become resentful when you're the one who's sleep deprived because your caring for everyone else. And I remember what is was like to bring home my second newborn,too. Just remember, you're not alone. We will listen and be here for you!

So, in the spirit of coming up with solutions...I had a thought today that I am going to try out. Here it is: If I set my alarm to go off every morning at a certain time (say 6am since the boys are up around 7:30am) then I become the one deciding when I get up. I won't be getting woken up by a 3 year old asking for cereal and milk and having to start being "mommy" from the moment I get out of bed. This way, I can take a shower, get ready for the day or sit at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and a magazine or hop online and have some uninterrupted computer time. I think it will keep me from being jealous that my husband is still getting to sleep because I will be getting much needed "me" time at the beginning of my day. I don't know...it's just a theory, but I'm going to give it a whirl and see how it goes.

Any other ideas?

Karla

[roz]

Amber, when you've talked to him, what does he say? Specifically--what does he say?

[MQAAord]

He says "he knows" and that he "feels bad he's not a better husband/father". He always plays the martyr and turns it around to "oh, poor me, I'm such a bad person, wah wah wah..."

He sees and understands my issues, he just doesn't want to make the effort and make the changes. I refuse to nag, and say the same things over and over and over again. A broken record never gets listened to.

Like I said, I've given up. I don't know what it would get to make him change his 'clock' around. He's jet-lagged, essentially, and just refuses to make himself do the hard thing and change. I want him to do it for himself, I want him to WANT to change. Nagging, yelling, being a bitch on my part won't bring that on. He has to want this for himself, and nothing more I can do will accomplish that.

[lucky81698]

[ QUOTE ]
MQAAord said:
He says "he knows" and that he "feels bad he's not a better husband/father". He always plays the martyr and turns it around to "oh, poor me, I'm such a bad person, wah wah wah..."

He sees and understands my issues, he just doesn't want to make the effort and make the changes. I refuse to nag, and say the same things over and over and over again. A broken record never gets listened to.

Like I said, I've given up. I don't know what it would get to make him change his 'clock' around. He's jet-lagged, essentially, and just refuses to make himself do the hard thing and change. I want him to do it for himself, I want him to WANT to change. Nagging, yelling, being a bitch on my part won't bring that on. He has to want this for himself, and nothing more I can do will accomplish that.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh my God Amber. Your husband's name is Bill right? Well so is mine and your story sounds like I could have said it word for word. Especially the first paragraph.

Jan

[Kristie]

Karla,

I really like your idea! I might try that for myself, in fact.. cuz i start the day with getting ready and going straight to work which doesn't give me a whole lot of enjoy the day/free time.

Now the first day/free time i was talking about will probably not work for everyone cuz remember, i don't have kids... i think when you bring kids into the mix, you have to constantly be on the go and that should include DH too...if they want to get extra sleep, then sleep in that first day but for the rest of the time they're home they should be up helping you out and if anything, i think that if you give them a free day or even extra "me" hours that you should only get the same in return...am i right? [img]images/graemlins/grinning-smiley-044.gif[/img]

so for one small change, it could be the "i'll do it for you if you do it for me" compromise and the second somebody starts slacking is the minute the deal is mentioned again.

Doug likes to sleep in too and i typically don't say anything the first day he's home and sometimes he's sleeping in well past when i go to work.. but all the other days that he's home, he has the mentality of "if you have to get up and start working, then i should too, i have plenty of things to get done" and that works pretty well cuz then i don't feel so bad about having to leave all day. but again, we had to talk about it first to get that change on the move.

now one thing that's been bothering me is laundry duty.. i do his & my laundry but when he's getting ready to leave for a trip, he does a load of laundry but doesn't put any of my stuff in there... i mean, comeon! if i have stuff to put in and there's plenty of room in the washer, why can't he include my stuff too? sheesh...everytime i want to add something to his laundry mix, i have to ask and he has no problem with it.. but other than that, it doesn't even occur to him that i have laundry in the basket too - he just bypasses it. [img]images/graemlins/speechless-smiley-017.gif[/img] [img]images/graemlins/bitch.gif[/img]

Amber - have you tried the reverse psycholgy route of "this isn't about you being a good dad, this is about me being a good mom" and play it that way? like you can't be expected to be 100% of an "effective" mom without having some help and most of that help is needed in the morning to keep you sane once afternoon comes around??? or how bout the "set the alarm up really high" tactic? at 10am, alarm goes off on the other side of the room and a good high decibel where he has no choice but to get up if he wants to turn it off? or how bout offering to give him nap time when alex goes down for a nap?

gotta get him to realize that being up in time to duty in at home is just as important as when he's at work if not even more important!

there's no WAY i could stand to watch someone sleep till noon if i needed some help with the kids (if i had them)... there'd be an early morning pillow fight for sure!!! [img]images/graemlins/woot.gif[/img] [img]images/graemlins/banghead.gif[/img]

[roz]

I guess I just don't understand. Is he jet lagged cause he flies late days/nights and isn't used to the AM routine? Charlie's schedule is all over the place. Some days he's up at 4 AM. Other days he leaves at 1 PM for a late show that finishes up near midnight. He avoids the red eyes cause he feels he's too old.

But I never would think that he would sleep in the first day he's home and neither would he. Our idea of him sleeping in is sleeping while I get my shower, before he gets up to make my breakfast!

Last week he came home after his check ride. He arrived at 11 PM. It was a week night and I had an early show at work. Remember, I have 1 1/2 hour commute. I made a crab quiche (whole wheat crust, low fat stuff) and a nice salad. We had a nice dinner and then adjourned. Believe me, 6 AM came quickly. But he was up at 6:30 getting my coffee! Now I know at 10 AM, he's taking a nap. And I know at 4 PM he's taking a nap. But he's helping me and doing a million things in the interim.

I guess I am a poor example. I travel a lot for business. When I travel I am working on the plane. When I get to the hotel, I am working. When I leave I am working. So what do I get to do when I finally return home? I get to go to work! So, unless the pilot is in training, I don't have much sympathy for their schedule! And how is my schedule different than being a SAHM? You're always working.

[Kristie]

True dat! our schedules really aren't all that different, we all work hard at what we do!

Doug sleeps in only cuz he can't take naps - if he takes a nap, I have to consider him in slo mo for the rest of the day.. so he sleeps in till I'm done about ready to leave for work, around 8:30 and that's really about it. Once he's up - he's up for good! Sometimes we sleep in on the weekend till 9 or just lounge around till 10 (hehe) just because we can afford to...but other than that, he's a night owl (me, only on weekends) so it makes sense that he sleeps in a bit.

man, if we had kids running amuck in the house - i'd have one of them wake up daddy every morning. you'd think daddy would absolutely love to be woken up by his son on a daily basis (giving him attention). [img]images/graemlins/woot.gif[/img]

[lucky81698]

I should really clarify what I wrote. We don't have any set rule that the first day home he sleeps in or anything, but I know if he has had early shows the whole trip, it kills him. We both get up every morning and get Billy ready for school. I should say I get him ready, DH sits on the couch while I pack his lunch, get his stuff together, get his clothes out, get him something to eat, make sure he brushes his teeth, wash his face, clean his ears, make sure he has clothes on properly, gets hat, gloves and coat on, etc. The thing that is annoying is when DH comes into the kitchen and pours himself some OJ and goes back to the couch without bringing in even a drink for Billy. So I usually get annoyed right off the bat! He is just totally oblivious to everything going on. Then sometimes we both go back to bed. I usually get up around 9:30 but he would sleep until 3pm if I let him. If he is not up by 11am it starts to drive me nuts and I just wake him up. I usually do stuff around the house and he pretty much watches Fox News and reads the paper.

I have to tell him what to do if I want something done. He won't do it on his own. I swear once, I left something on the floor purposely where it was in the way to see if he would pick it up. Nope, just walked around it. The only thing I really ask him to do is to clean the bathroom floor. I figure, they are the ones who get pee on it so he can clean it up! Once in a blue moon he will help fold laundry and that usually lasts about a week or 2 after I have flipped out or something that I do everything.

I was sick a couple weeks ago and did most of his bid. I asked him to finish it because I just couldn't look at it anymore. This is all while he is reading the paper. He starts moaning and groaning about how he hates doing it, looks at it for 2 minutes and says "I'll just put in any numbers". Of course I just say "forget it I'll just do it or it will get screwed up". I started doing it to begin with, because he did that a couple of times and then the month was a mess so I got tired of that and just said I'll do it.

I do have to give him credit for spending time with DS though. He is with him every second he is home and DS is home from school. Of course he has no choice, Billy will not leave his side. One of the problems with that is then they are like best friends and I am the only one that does the disipline, homework and the "yuck" type stuff. I am pretty much persona non grata to the DS when DH is home.

At least I don't have to cook since DH is such a picky eater I have given up on that. If his mother was still alive I'd have a bone to pick with her about that, it's completely ridiculous how the man eats. Of course cooking would be one of the things I enjoy though! Oh well at least I like to mow the lawn and do the gardening. Funny thing is he likes to mow the lawn! Now if I could only get him to pick something up it would be a start! [img]images/graemlins/eusa_boohoo.gif[/img]

Jan