I need some MAJOR advice here

[jamauk]

This is a little bit of a vent, but also a plea for advice...any thoughts would be appreciated!

I'm pasting my post from the Yahoo! site so for those of you that are on both, I apologize for the redundance!



Ok guys, I apologize in advance, this post is going to be kind of
long!
Maybe I'm hormonal, but I'm at my wits end! Let me first start by
giving you guys an idea of what Jason's schedule is like. He flies
mostly redeye trips. He does a 6 hour transcontinental flight, has a
24 hour layover and does the same 6 hour flight back to NY. He
usually does two of those back to back and then has 2-3 days off.
The problem is that most of those redeye trips are Seattle trips.
So, he's gone a day, home a day, gone a day, home a day...spends a
day commuting, home for two or three, gone a day, home a day, gone a
day, home a day, spends another day commuting, etc....you get the
idea.

Here is my dilemma. With so much coming and going, I am getting so
worn down. When we first moved here I started a MOMS Club for SAHM's
so Ben and I could find some friends to help pass the time while
Jason is gone. Since I am the Founder/President of the chapter, I
put A LOT of time and effort into it. But I'm starting to feel like
I'm not able to enjoy any of the benefits that go along with it.
While Jason is home I feel guilty for leaving and taking Ben and
going to the activities and on the rare occasion he is gone for more
than one day at a time, its usually on the weekend when all of my
friends' husbands are home. I occassionally suggest maybe Ben and I
will go to an activitiy and Jason can go running or take a nap, etc
but he usually has someting to say that makes me feel guilty for even
thinking about going. I know he's doing these kinds of trips because
they are super productive and it ultimately gives him more days off
and better paychecks. He also is trying to spend as much time with
us as possible. He's afraid his career is going to have some kind of
permanent negative effect on the kids. I love Jason so much and I
know he loves me and wants me to be happy. But how do I tell him
that his schedule is wearing me down without hurting his feelings? I
don't want him to think I don't want to spend time with him, but I
feel like the only thing I do is sit and wait for him to come home or
sit and help him get ready to leave. There are no stretches where
its just me and Ben and not a lot of stretches where its all three of
us. Its a constant coming and going.
I feel like I've got the rotten end of both kinds of lives (pilots &
9-5'ers).

Those of you who's DH's are gone for weeks at a time probably think
I'm crazy and I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm just whining about
nothing, but just don't know if I can take much more of this
schedule. Any thoughts from all of you wise women?

Thanks for listening!

[roz]

You're not crazy. The timing is off, that's all. He managed to get this schedule that's the next best thing to out and backs in that he's home every other day. One thing is for certain in this business, however. Schedules and bases change!

So, does your club meet all day everyday? If not, there is no reason why you should not attend. You can't schedule your life to be there every momemt he's home. Nor should you wear yourself thin making sure that everything is clean, all chores accomplished, etc while he is gone so that there is nothing to do while he is home. That's not natural. It should be as normal as possible. After all, when children are in school, they don't stay home because daddy's off.

In a few years you will wish for this schedule. A schedule like this allows a pilot to get involved in the activities of their children. My husband coached ice hockey for our son's team because he had enough seniority to command a great schedule. They studied Aikido together. They would go on the City Skates together every Sunday (Seattle has that wonderful skating park as I recall).

The problem is, you have the schedule now instead of in a few years. So, you have to make the best of it. Aren't there projects for him to accomplish? A schedule like this is perfect. You have a baby coming. Do you need to prepare a room? What's on your wish list?

While I don't wish this on anyone, since my husband is always off at Aikido--now studying for the next level of black belt, diving to get his Dive Master certification, riding the motorcycle with friends or his MAC-PAC club, perhaps your husband needs some additional hobbies other than solo ones like running and biking. Is there a hobby you could do together and then gracefully bow out? In that way you could join in when it is convenient for you and he has others to hang with when you can't make it.

Remember, as it is with children, everything is a phase. It will soon evolve into something else! Hang in there.