question about living separate lives

[Mistress Trista]

Originally Posted by Bigsweetie

I wouldn't recommend stuffing your feelings. Trust me, they'll just surface later with more resentment.

If you need vacations in your life and he's depriving you of that (or at least the quality that you want/can afford) then you two really need to work through this. This sounds like the perfect thing for a counselor to help you two figure out. They're great at looking at these things objectively and sometimes making the other person see their spouses point of view. Do you think he'd be willing to go? I'm sure it would only be a couple of sessions. It's not like you two are having major marital differences, but this is one area that you two can't seem to hash out on your own and maybe a third party could help!!

I agree with the others who don't seem to think that it's necessary for your H to worry about what she does with her time there. He's not her babysitter! If he WANTS to hang out with her, that's one thing. But to feel "obligated" to is silly IMO. He's never even met this woman, has he? He doesn't even have the job yet and he's telling you about how he's going to be sightseeing with some other woman? It seems like an odd thing to bring up. Like he's trying to warn you or something.

That, or he knows full well how upsetting it would be to you that he did those things with her and not with you! If that's the case, why would he put some strangers feelings ahead of those of his own wife? That's a big issue, IMO. Your his wife, your feelings should count for something... over and above a perfect strangers.

I guess every marriage is different, but I never understood the mentality that the H's feelings come ahead of the W's and if we have issue with something it must be because we're jealous or insecure... as if we're not entitled to any negative feelings at all. Sorry, i'm ranting..

Bottom line, I think you should find a way to compromise on this... both of you and if you can't talk to a professional who can help. Trying to convince yourself that you don't feel how you feel will NEVER work in the longrun.

I've mentioned that, but he's not real keen on the idea. He thinks we can work it out ourselves, or, I'll eventually give in and get over it. He's not actually said that last part, but I know he's thinking it.

I think he brought it up because he knew I wouldn't be okay with it and wanted to get my opinion or my okay before he actually went any further as opposed to hitting me with it as he leaves for his first trip.

As for the crew thing. We've had that discussion so many times and I agree they can take care of themselves. What's interesting is he'll let me drive to Pittsburg by myself and not worry, but won't let a female FA or FO go out to eat by themselves. That always seemed a little skewed to me.

[Bigsweetie]

You could always go by yourself. Honestly, if he's not going to work on this with you I don't know what else to say! It then comes down to what are you willing to live with.... But don't sell your life short. You deserve happiness and if that means taking nice vacations with your H (or even by yourself) then you need to make it clear to your DH how important this is to you and the state of your marriage. One person can't make all the compromises or all the effort in a marriage.

I would love to say "just go on vacation by yourself and if he doesn't like it, tough" but that's not really the best way to handle differences, IMO.

If one person isn't willing to work on the marriage, where does that leave the other person? I'd go talk to a professional on your own... just to see what he/she says. Can't hurt!

[Regina]

Originally Posted by Mistress Trista

As for the crew thing. We've had that discussion so many times and I agree they can take care of themselves. What's interesting is he'll let me drive to Pittsburg by myself and not worry, but won't let a female FA or FO go out to eat by themselves. That always seemed a little skewed to me.

I agree with you, Trista. That does seem pretty skewed.

[Regina]

Oh, i just read the first post. Corporate is so iffy right now, but aren't all jobs...? I don't know if you remember, but my husband was offered a job with a law firm that is at the top of it's game. The money cut just wasn't reasonable enough to take, and the company seemed very stable. They were even talking about getting additional planes. Well, we just heard a few days ago, that they actually got rid of a plane. He would have lost that job, and no health insurance...which would have been miserable for us with everything going on right now. Like I said, I think all jobs are iffy, but the first thing corporate does (at least from what I have heard) is to start cutting their flight departments.

As far as the f.o. part, does he feel obligated now to take them sight seeing? If he does it already in a airline setting, I wouldn't see too much of a difference. I know you give a lot of way when it comes to trust and stuff, so it doesn't seem like something that would typically bother you unless something else was going on with the relationship.

I guess I would recall the whole situation with someone who had a husband flying corportate on this site (can't remember who), but he started picking her up for work, getting her coffee, sight seeing, buying speedos, etc. That would worry me.

We talked about the same type thing when he was going to take the corporate because there was a female pilot he would fly with sometimes. It really didn't bother me because it was no different than staying in a hotel with other f.o.'s and f.a.'s. But, I guess flying with the same person over and over again could lead to a closer relationship. I don't know.

[Mistress Trista]

He never has time to sight see now. Usually dinner is all they have time for.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I knew when I was dating him he was like this. Old fashioned and cheap. I guess I thought I could sway him, but so far I haven't had any luck. Vacations are just the tip of the iceburg. He's cheap in everything from the kind of car he buys to only buying houses that have to be fixed up. It gets old after a while and I really didn't think ti would bother as much as it has been lately. Now he drops this scenario in my lap.

I'm wondering if maybe I should take Big Sweetie's suggestion and talk to someone about it.

[pilotwife3]

Originally Posted by Mistress Trista

He never has time to sight see now. Usually dinner is all they have time for.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I knew when I was dating him he was like this. Old fashioned and cheap. I guess I thought I could sway him, but so far I haven't had any luck. Vacations are just the tip of the iceburg. He's cheap in everything from the kind of car he buys to only buying houses that have to be fixed up. It gets old after a while and I really didn't think ti would bother as much as it has been lately. Now he drops this scenario in my lap.

I'm wondering if maybe I should take Big Sweetie's suggestion and talk to someone about it.

Absolutely....if only for your own peace of mind. Do it....

[AnnaRose]

Did you two ever work something out? Is he going to get that job?

[ASLhands]

Originally Posted by Mistress Trista

He never has time to sight see now. Usually dinner is all they have time for.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I knew when I was dating him he was like this. Old fashioned and cheap. I guess I thought I could sway him, but so far I haven't had any luck. Vacations are just the tip of the iceburg. He's cheap in everything from the kind of car he buys to only buying houses that have to be fixed up. It gets old after a while and I really didn't think ti would bother as much as it has been lately. Now he drops this scenario in my lap.

I'm wondering if maybe I should take Big Sweetie's suggestion and talk to someone about it.

Are you married to my husband? He is exactly like that. It is frustrating, I can imagine how after this much time it could really get to you. Talking to someone about it might just be the way to go. It could give you some clarity and help you figure out ways to better approach this situation. Good luck. I hope everything works out.