question about living separate lives

[Mistress Trista]

Originally Posted by Bigsweetie

Are you afraid he might cheat on you? Or just jealous that she gets to have two days of sightseeing with your DH that you don't?

It's hard to answer a question like that for someone else. In my marriage, it would kill us. But that's because we've had serious trust issues that we're still trying to work out. A job like that right now would probably lead to our divorce... almost immediately. But that doesn't mean it would for you! Your marriage is completely different than mine with different experiences, perameters, etc.

That said.. how solid is your marriage? Is your DH happy? Are you happy? Do you think he's the type to cheat despite being happy? Don't answer these of course, just food for thought.

There's no guarantees in life and IMO no one is exempt from cheating. Its how well you guard your marriage that counts.

Question though, why is he so concerned with what this lady does with her free time? I mean, if it were a guy would he care as much? I guess i'm cynical, but I don't buy the chivalrous "I can't let a woman go out alone" line. It sounds vaguely familiar to a line someone else's DH gave them on this board who's DH had an affair with. I'm not implying anything here, just an observation.

For me, it's not the cheating. If he did cheat, I would be shocked as hell.

DH and I have had issues for years with the whole vacation thing. These are places I would give my eyeteeth to go to, but he won't, either because he doesn't want to or he thinks it's too expensive. So for him to be there, and think he has a duty to take out his crew members, is a huge issue for me. He'll go sightseeing with them, but absolutely refues to do it with me.

I've been pushing for separate vacations for a while and this would just further my arguement. He's concerned separate vacations would be the beginning of the end. I don't. My aunt and uncle were married for over 20 years and they always took separate vacations. If we didn't, I'm afraid his traveling to all the places I want to go to, then sightseeing with female crews when he won't do it with me, would cause a huge resentment. But on the flip side, if he was lucky enough to get this, it would be great for all of us.

[Imachickadee75]

If its a good thing for the family and you're not afraid of him cheating then its just a matter of dealing with any resentment/frustration you have in missing out on the things he's getting to experience.

So, in my book, you do the seperate vacation thing if that will quell your frustration. But still share your seperate experiences. Make sure you're seeing picts and getting the low down on where he's been and make sure you do the same for him. Make a list together of the top five places you want to share with each other in your old age.

Forgive me if I'm out of line, but from the tone of some of your posts, it sounds like there is already a lot of frustration with your DH. You said, "He thinks seperate vacations will be the beginning of the end." It sounds like you guys are struggling some -maybe not connecting very well. Will this job make things worse or better?

Just some thoughts....

Jackie

[Bigsweetie]

Oh, sorry Trista, I misunderstood.

I agree with you. I'd be po'd if my DH never wanted to take vacations with me, but had no problem taking out a complete stranger because he's in the area. Seems very unbalanced to me.

Does he not see how unfair it is that he gets to sightsee and you don't? What does he say about that? I think you need to gradually push to teach him how to be less tight with money. Didn't you say before that he just doesn't like to spend money on vacations? I used to be a tightwad too, until my DH taught me how to "live a little". He did it very gradually though.

You can't take it with you when you go, you might as well spend it while you're here!

Would he go if you just planned a vacation w/o telling him then said "pack your bags we're going on vacation!!"?

[Mistress Trista]

There are at times alot of frustration between us. The RT conference for example. He hated that I stayed at the conference hotel and not a cheaper one down the street. He has no problem with my going and I've shown him the pics of me and all the models. For him it's all about the money. There could have been a picture of me kissing a guy and still he would have focused on how much the room cost.

I wanted to go to Sandals. He shot down that idea and said let's take the kids to Holiday World in Indiana. They have free sodas. There's that tunnel vision again... But yet he feels it would be his duty to make sure his crew wasn't having to spend any time alone.

I have tried to talk with him about this and he does see my point and that's his biggest concern. Even he is afraid this will cause a huge wedge. He knows I get frustrated, but it's almost like he can't help himself. Money is what we argue over the most and it's not because we don't have any, but because we disagree on how to spend it.

I've thought about the idea of setting up a vacation and just not telling him, but he would be so fucused on the cost, he would just make everyone miserable. He just can't relax and have fun.

We're even already arguing over RT for next year. Its' in Orlando at the Wyndam on International. He wants to go as well and take the kids to the parks while I'm at the conference. I have no problem with that, but he wants to stay at another hotel. I refused. He got mad, arguing that's it's just too expensive at the wyndam.

He can't seem to get it through his head. This is MY JOB. I write for 3 epubs as well as Simon and Schuster. I'm one of the authors hosting the EC virgin party next year as well as on the Fairy Court. There are four custume parties, three panels I'm participating in that give away goodies, which will have to be stored in my room. I can't be running back and forth between hotels. It's a year away and I cant' believe we're actually already arguing over it. It's insane.

I don't want to tell him he can't do this, but I'm not sure this job wouldn't make things worse than they already are.

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by AnnaRose

I think your husband should realize if the woman can fly an airplane then she can probably take care of herself,

That's an excellent point. She's a grown woman, and it's not your husband's - or any man's - responsibility to take care of or watch out for her, no matter how chivalrous he feels. This is 2008. She's an adult. She can take care of herself.

[AnnaRose]

I would be hurt if my DH went sightseeing with another woman, but not with me. I'm sure he would understand that.

Your job is important to you and he should want you to stay at a nice hotel that is close to your conference. Orlando is known for the traffic so the closer you are to the conference the easier it will be for you. Maybe you should go to your work conference alone and maybe your family could go on a vacation at another time?

It sounds like you two need to compromise. Suppose you book a more inexpensive vacation this year then maybe next year you two can create a "vacation fund" and go somewhere a little more expensive like Hawaii. I hope you two can figure it out

[Mistress Trista]

In some ways it seems kind of silly to even be worried about it. He hasn't been offered anything, but he hopes they do, so on the flip side maybe we should hash it out now. But I don't want to be one of those wives that says, 'you can't do that, i forbid it' because I certainly wouldn't want him to do that to me.

I think I just need to figure out a way to deal with it. This is how he is and it's not going to change, so should I work on my end? Figure out a way to not be so jealous of his traveling? And how do I do that?

[jr_lenz]

I'm a little late getting in on this, so I am going to start from the first post.

I have to admit that I get a little envous of the "road life" I'm with bigsweetie, I need sleep and don't get out very much besides work, (which I'm still off from). I am a big people person and I get envous that he gets new people and places to go to each week/month.

I also would have a hard time with him going to new places, and heading out to entertain the crew. once or twice maybe, but all the time would get to me. But I like some other, have some baggage that involves some trust issues.

BUT, here is my advice, when Lance first started flying commercial I was beside my self with worry. He has alway been Mr. entertainer and feels like he needs to be the center of the party. One of our biggest fights was because his roommate was throwing a superbowl party and he wouldn't walk into the house while on the phone with me, because he didn't want to be "that guy" is on the phone with his girl. It didn't matter that it was our only 15 minute window to talk for the day...anyway, back to the point.

I was worried that Lance was going to be headed out all of the time, wanting to entertain ect, and that I was going to be hard on us. But he totaly hasn't been that way. He is so ready to sit and veg out when he hits the hotel, and is trying to get back in shape so he works out more than he goes out.

I guess my point is that maybe he won't go out as much as you THINK he would. Does he know how you feel about him going out?

[Bigsweetie]

I wouldn't recommend stuffing your feelings. Trust me, they'll just surface later with more resentment.

If you need vacations in your life and he's depriving you of that (or at least the quality that you want/can afford) then you two really need to work through this. This sounds like the perfect thing for a counselor to help you two figure out. They're great at looking at these things objectively and sometimes making the other person see their spouses point of view. Do you think he'd be willing to go? I'm sure it would only be a couple of sessions. It's not like you two are having major marital differences, but this is one area that you two can't seem to hash out on your own and maybe a third party could help!!

I agree with the others who don't seem to think that it's necessary for your H to worry about what she does with her time there. He's not her babysitter! If he WANTS to hang out with her, that's one thing. But to feel "obligated" to is silly IMO. He's never even met this woman, has he? He doesn't even have the job yet and he's telling you about how he's going to be sightseeing with some other woman? It seems like an odd thing to bring up. Like he's trying to warn you or something.

That, or he knows full well how upsetting it would be to you that he did those things with her and not with you! If that's the case, why would he put some strangers feelings ahead of those of his own wife? That's a big issue, IMO. Your his wife, your feelings should count for something... over and above a perfect strangers.

I guess every marriage is different, but I never understood the mentality that the H's feelings come ahead of the W's and if we have issue with something it must be because we're jealous or insecure... as if we're not entitled to any negative feelings at all. Sorry, i'm ranting..

Bottom line, I think you should find a way to compromise on this... both of you and if you can't talk to a professional who can help. Trying to convince yourself that you don't feel how you feel will NEVER work in the longrun.

[Mistress Trista]

He knows. We've been discussing it and trying to find ways to make it better. I just don't want it to get to the point where he does all this stuff with his crew and never does anything with me, or if we do anything, it's always the cheap stuff he wants to do.

Going out to dinner with them or hanging out in the bar, I don't have a problem with. It's the other stuff that i think might cause issues. Things have been tense enough lately, I'm just trying to find ways to keep them from getting any worse.

Personally, I think he should just let me get a sugar daddy to take with me on trips. Problem solved..haha...