Fertile Imagination...

tpepperinaz · 03-14-2007, 10:42 PM

New to the group, wife of 20+ YR USA/East pilot based in PHL. Married 4 years. Relatively new to this lifestyle, I still have to struggle to get a grip on my fears/insecurities about the profession in this "target-rich" environment. My DH has given me no reason to worry, but know he "dated" extensively in the profession during his 7 yr. single time after his first marriage and our wedding. Many FA's he's dated still are in the company. If I bring up concerns, or express my insecurities, it causes problems. Is it just me?

Kristie · 03-15-2007, 01:22 AM

In my opinion, i think it's more you than anything else...he's married to you now, those insecurities should be going away or gone by now if he hasn't given you any reason to worry....if they're not, you should ask yourself why that would be....is it your seeing red flags or your just concerned about the "previous dates"?

If he hadn't dated F/A's in his previous past *single* life but had dated women in all different cities, would you feel any different?

katherine2473 · 03-15-2007, 06:19 AM

Hiya,
The lifestyle is an excuse for bad behaviour (not that I think 'dating' lots of people when he was single is bad behaviour, but the cheating that you're worrying about is!), but it's not the cause of it. Would you feel better or worse if he'd 'dated' loads of women in the PHL area? He could still run in to them, they could still come on to him, he could still cheat if he wanted. The only difference is that you feel you could 'control' the situation a bit more, perhaps? Believe me, I have had excatly the same issues as my fiance played the field extensively before we got together, and he's always running into exes. But all he can do is tell me that part of his lfie is over, and I believe that.
I'm a little concerned that it causes problems when you raise insecurities wuith your husband. This lifestyle is not the easiest and it is easy for silly things to take on more importance, so I think it is crucial that he does a little bit extra to reassure you when you're down. That said: (a) how are you raising the topic? If it's every day, and you're nigh on accusing him of cheating, then that is your issue and I can quite see why it causes problems for him! (b) Could you be 'addicted' to the constant reassurance he offers (assuming he does)? I found myself in the early days of our LDR testing my partner for proof that he loved me etc etc, and the more he offered, the more I wanted. I had to go cold turkey to force myself to become more rational! And of course, now I don't seek reassurance anything like as much, he offers it far more!
Anyway, it's give and take. If he gives you no reason not to trust him, then maybe back off for a while. Don't ask about anyone else, don't question him, just enjoy him - and see whether that makes life easier for both of you.
Just my thoughts!
Katherine

Kristie · 03-15-2007, 10:41 AM

Quote:

I found myself in the early days of our LDR testing my partner for proof that he loved me etc etc, and the more he offered, the more I wanted. I had to go cold turkey to force myself to become more rational!

I've had the exact same experience and had to do the exact same thing too...cold turkey isn't easy to do but it makes it easier to enjoy life and not worry so much. insecurities breed more insecurities. if your seeking reassurance too much, you could end up pushing him away.. however, if your really not secure in his answers and his ability to reassure you, you might need to look inside a bit more.

Regina · 03-16-2007, 07:41 AM

I guess I would have a few questions: if his first marriage ended because of infidelity with a flight attendant/s, then I may worry.

On the otherhand, if this doesn't apply, then I would say that there are reasons why he is married to you and not the other flight attendants. He is compatable with you and not them. Their relationships didn't last for a reason, and your's has progressed to marriage for a reason.

My mom and dad (not pilots) have had insecurity issues since I can remember. My mom used to go through my dad's things, made accusations, etc., and it caused some serious damage in their relationship. I would say that someone can be so obsessed with it that they can become psychotic about it.

If I were you, I would sit down and have a serious talk with your husband about what you guys would feel comfortable with while he is on his trips that would relieve some of the insecurities that you feel. Like for instance, what can you guys agree to about meal situations? Is it okay for him to have dinner or lunch with the flight attendants if the entire crew is there? If you both have guidelines of what you both expect from each other, then you might feel more comfortable when he is on his trips.

ASLhands · 03-25-2007, 11:54 PM

I think we all have our own insecurities. I am sure he has insecurities too. We just have a tendency to over analyze situations. I am with my high school sweetheart and I get insecure because he hasn't dated many people. I guess the grass is always greener... Anyway, I think it is normal to feel the insecurities, but how you act on them is the key...

03-14-2007, 10:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
tpepperinaz New Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Chandler, AZ, USA Posts: 2 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Fertile Imagination... New to the group, wife of 20+ YR USA/East pilot based in PHL. Married 4 years. Relatively new to this lifestyle, I still have to struggle to get a grip on my fears/insecurities about the profession in this "target-rich" environment. My DH has given me no reason to worry, but know he "dated" extensively in the profession during his 7 yr. single time after his first marriage and our wedding. Many FA's he's dated still are in the company. If I bring up concerns, or express my insecurities, it causes problems. Is it just me?

03-15-2007, 01:22 AM	#2 (permalink)
Kristie Admin/Owner Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Scottsdale, Arizona Posts: 6,576 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 15 Times in 15 Posts	Re: Fertile Imagination... In my opinion, i think it's more you than anything else...he's married to you now, those insecurities should be going away or gone by now if he hasn't given you any reason to worry....if they're not, you should ask yourself why that would be....is it your seeing red flags or your just concerned about the "previous dates"? If he hadn't dated F/A's in his previous past single life but had dated women in all different cities, would you feel any different? __________________ www.jetcareers.com

03-15-2007, 06:19 AM	#3 (permalink)
katherine2473 Jetgirls Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: London! Posts: 221 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Fertile Imagination... Hiya, The lifestyle is an excuse for bad behaviour (not that I think 'dating' lots of people when he was single is bad behaviour, but the cheating that you're worrying about is!), but it's not the cause of it. Would you feel better or worse if he'd 'dated' loads of women in the PHL area? He could still run in to them, they could still come on to him, he could still cheat if he wanted. The only difference is that you feel you could 'control' the situation a bit more, perhaps? Believe me, I have had excatly the same issues as my fiance played the field extensively before we got together, and he's always running into exes. But all he can do is tell me that part of his lfie is over, and I believe that. I'm a little concerned that it causes problems when you raise insecurities wuith your husband. This lifestyle is not the easiest and it is easy for silly things to take on more importance, so I think it is crucial that he does a little bit extra to reassure you when you're down. That said: (a) how are you raising the topic? If it's every day, and you're nigh on accusing him of cheating, then that is your issue and I can quite see why it causes problems for him! (b) Could you be 'addicted' to the constant reassurance he offers (assuming he does)? I found myself in the early days of our LDR testing my partner for proof that he loved me etc etc, and the more he offered, the more I wanted. I had to go cold turkey to force myself to become more rational! And of course, now I don't seek reassurance anything like as much, he offers it far more! Anyway, it's give and take. If he gives you no reason not to trust him, then maybe back off for a while. Don't ask about anyone else, don't question him, just enjoy him - and see whether that makes life easier for both of you. Just my thoughts! Katherine

03-16-2007, 07:41 AM	#5 (permalink)
Regina Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern state Posts: 934 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts	Re: Fertile Imagination... I guess I would have a few questions: if his first marriage ended because of infidelity with a flight attendant/s, then I may worry. On the otherhand, if this doesn't apply, then I would say that there are reasons why he is married to you and not the other flight attendants. He is compatable with you and not them. Their relationships didn't last for a reason, and your's has progressed to marriage for a reason. My mom and dad (not pilots) have had insecurity issues since I can remember. My mom used to go through my dad's things, made accusations, etc., and it caused some serious damage in their relationship. I would say that someone can be so obsessed with it that they can become psychotic about it. If I were you, I would sit down and have a serious talk with your husband about what you guys would feel comfortable with while he is on his trips that would relieve some of the insecurities that you feel. Like for instance, what can you guys agree to about meal situations? Is it okay for him to have dinner or lunch with the flight attendants if the entire crew is there? If you both have guidelines of what you both expect from each other, then you might feel more comfortable when he is on his trips.

03-25-2007, 11:54 PM	#6 (permalink)
ASLhands Jetgirls Plus Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: San Francisco, CA, soon to move to Southern CA Posts: 226 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Fertile Imagination... I think we all have our own insecurities. I am sure he has insecurities too. We just have a tendency to over analyze situations. I am with my high school sweetheart and I get insecure because he hasn't dated many people. I guess the grass is always greener... Anyway, I think it is normal to feel the insecurities, but how you act on them is the key...

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