loneliness ... again

[biochemtine]

Here I am again ... just three short months after my last freaking out lonely post. This time, instead of just being lonely, I hate my job. It provides no intellectual stimulation anymore. I'm doing the job of someone else and not getting any credit. And I'm sick of my stupid, immature co-workers.

It's really slow in teh afternoons, so I'm really bored and I can't only be alone with my thoughts for so long.

I'm lonely and bored at work, and then I go home to an empty house.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to leave the house. I'm so lazy and have my little pity part so much that I'm not even eating dinner. I have no appetite. Nothing sounds good. It's as if it has no taste. I'm eating breakfast and lunch simply to sustain myself, but by the time I get home from work I have no energy to do anything about food.

I have all these plans of cleaning or shopping or organizing or crafting or whatever and when I get home and all I do is sit on the couch and watch TV. I become a puddle of "Christine," as a co-worker put it. The heat doesn't help matters any.

I just want a friend or two. Just someone to call me in the evening and say, "Hey. How you doing?"

Eric is so worried about me. So much of my frustration is my job and yet he doesn't want me to quit. He wants me to keep this job on the offchance that they approve telecommuting so I can have it when we move back to colorado. But if I'm still working here when I'm in colorado again I'm going to scream. I do not think I would survive in this position that much longer.

I hope I don't have to vent too much about being lonely too much longer. I thought I was making improvements in my overall wellbeing and being lonely, but apparantly not. It's just gotten too much for me again.

Mostly I'm just sick of being alone with my thoughts and would LOVE some new intellectual stimulation.

[Kristie]

have you thought of joining a book club or going to a lecture or even taking cooking classes? something like that might help you meet people and/or just talk intellectually among adults!

The other thing i'd suggest and I don't suggest it often is to go talk to your doctor about what's going on and see what his advice is and/or if he can't give you a little temporary happy pill to help you through this hard time....looking into something like that and doing that for maybe a few months might help you get yourself out of the puddle and into stimulating yourself with ideas and motives to move on to bigger and better things!! I'm not suggesting anything like prozac, to me, that would be too harsh too quick.. but there's zoloft which has been good or even just some st. john's wort tea twice a day....st. john's wort really helped me a lot (i don't know how..) when my mom had her cancer... my sister took zoloft and my dad was on prozac for awhile...sometimes, it's just SO terribly hard to be upbeat during such trying times.. even now, i'm trying to steer myself clear from taking any anti-depressants, which is my reasoning to taking a mini vaca in vegas right now (yes, i'm here YAY!)... but i'm getting VERY close to actually asking for something to help me through the tumbles...esp as my dad's arraignment goes by and we either go to trial or straight to sentencing (probably that way vs trial unfortunately).

The worst thing to do is not ask, not try...and go deeper and deeper into oblivion...It's ok to feel bad, but it's not ok to let it take over and it's certainly not ok to let it continue for an overly long period of time because before you know it, it becomes like an eating disorder and depression, just like an eating disorder, can kill...you've been dealing with this for almost 6 months now and it might be time to take it serious and see a doctor! remember, depression is curable IF you DO something about it before it takes you to rock bottom...

then after seeing the docctor....everyday, start thinking about what YOU want to do...Eric is working his dream job...it's time to find yours and eric should support you in that! go out there and FIND your happiness....

I've even told doug and it's "my turn" because I too, need a BIG change....

I know how your feeling though.. i practically cried every day this week at work (how embarassing is that!) and i've been having such a hard time just keeping it together that i pretty much went in, told my boss i was leaving for the week and going to vegas!

oh, here's an idea.. maybe we should try that? you let us know when you wanna go to vegas and amanda and I and whoever else wants to join, will meet you here!!

[roz]

Christine I am so sorry you are going through this. Put your energy into something positive. If you are fed up with work, beef up your resume, post it on line (and PM me so I can hook you into Linked In which is how I found my job) and start looking. Just doing something makes you feel that there is hope. Doing nothing means you have made another choice. I know you say Eric wants you to stay put and hope for a transfer. But you can move up by moving out. Do what's best for you. And that will be what is best for you both.

And while you're doing what's best for you, remember that keeping in good health is also what's best. You'll be sharper and look brighter for the interviews. Also, eating poorly impacts your current emotions and judgment. So exercise and eat well--all day long.

Keep talking to us--we all really do care about you. If we were closer, we'd be calling you for dinner get togethers!

[biochemtine]

Thanks ladies.

That's a good suggestion Kristie; unfortunately I don't have a doctor right now. I don't want my first visit to be, "I'm lonely and depressed," either.

I keep thinking of things I can do to fill my time, but can't find anything that fits in my schedule. Crazy, huh? All the classes I want are weekends or during the day. I need weeknights.

I'm hoping that I will get some sort of change soon since I accepted some new responsibilities at church. I think that will help.

I'd love to head to Vegas. But we have no money. CFIs don't get flight benefits.

I keep toying with the idea of driving down to so cal to see my friend, or going all the way to colo ... but I just am not spontaneous enough for that. I did that a few months ago when I went through this. Went to AZ to see my mom. Wish I had more time with her though. Man I miss my family.

Maybe this is residual from not being able to attend a pseudo family reunion this weekend.

I think part of my doldrums is thinking about my good friend who just learned his wife wants a divorce. I think I'm carrying a lot of his burden. I need to not do that I think.

Just talking about it is helping. I'm not talking to myself. I hate talking to myself.

I think I want to move. Move closer to my church so I can be near the ladies from my bible study and get together for dinner and stuff. I live so far away it's not practical for me to hang out with them during the week.

I actually feel a lot better now. I went to Safeway on my way home. I also picked up some silk flowers at Michael's and made a little flower arrangement. It was way too much money, and it doesn't look very good, but it was fun and it'll look nice at work.

[Bigsweetie]

Suggested reading:

"Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever" by Judge Judy Sheindlin

No, I don't think you're dumb.. that's not what the book is about.

Pick it up at your local library. It's only about 190 pages so it's a fast easy read.

[biochemtine]

I finally did it. I got so frustrated today I yelled at the co-worker I like (oops .....).

So, as a result of this, I went and talked to someone who I trust very much and he asked around of different positions in the company. He found one that not only I'm perfect for, but is brand new and from what I can tell, is a lot like a position that I've been kind of forming in my mind.

I have a meeting with the supervisor of R&D Thursday morning.

All the asking around was done rather secretly. Not revealing any names, not saying what department or anything. But when I went to talk to the R&D supervisor, he knew it was me who was looking around. So either it's obvious I'm ready to get out of my current position, or my reputation as the product specialist goes pretty far.

I'm nervous and excited and scared all at the same time.

I told Eric today that I finally asked around and he kinda freaked. I yelled at him a little and said that if he wants me to be unhappy in my job simply because he wants me to be able to telecommute in a year that he's being selfish. While I believe what I said, I could've said it nicer.

At any rate .... thoughts/prayers/whatever would be appreciated Thursday morning.

I came home sick today. I'm not really sick, but I don't feel well. I need some time alone. Time away from work. Sad, huh? I'm suffering major loneliness and what do I need most? Time alone. Frustrating.

[Kimberly]

Christine--
That's so great though. Sounds like it fell in your lap! Praying that you will get a sense of what is right for you, and that if this position is meant for you that doors will open or others will shut. Praying for confidence and overall contentment with the outcome!!!!

[biochemtine]

Thanks Kimberly!

[UPSwife]

It sounds like the possibility of a new position might brighten things up a bit. But, the sadness may continue to come back if you do not try to find an outlet for yourself.

When I first came to this board, I was feeling very much the same way. My husband leaves for 12-16 days at a time on his trips and that time can be very lonely. When he did talk to me I was depressed and without knowing I was doing it, I made him sad--it hurt him to know that the one thing he loved more than anything (his career/aviation) was hurting the one person he loved the most. I decided I had to do something about it & came here. But, I was also taking classes toward my master's in the evenings and staying ahead of the workload so that when he was home we could spend our time together. I will finish my master's in August and have a feeling that those emotions might come creeping back in, so I am setting some goals I would like to accomplish within the next year (one of which is to get back in shape). I plan to spend my weeknights that he is away working on these goals so that I can have some sense of accomplishment...Maybe this would work for you, also. If the new position in your company works out, you could set some work goals. If not, what about getting your resume updated and sending it out--it can't hurt and there are proabably a few people on this board who would look it over and give you some advice. You also mentioned the ladies at your church--what about setting up a bible discussion group or a committee? The key is going to be keeping yourself busy with things you truly care about. Otherwise, it will be hard to motivate yourself to do it when your husband is away.

I hope this helps in some way and that things will get better for you.

Felicia

[biochemtine]

I know that a great deal o fmy loneliness is because of my frustrations at work. Not having any friends at work and having to deal with people I don't like and then coming home to an empty house with no one to comfort me really sucks.

I'm starting to do other things and branch out of my normal routine.

I know that my job right now is a HUGE part of my problem.