Sos!!!

[Kimmy]

Hi. I'm sending out a huge SOS in hopes that someone out there can relate to what I'm going through and give me some helpful advice. Where do I start? I've been with my husband for almost 11 years. We've been married for 8. I just turned 29 this month so we've been together since I was 18. He's 34. We've been the best of friends and have been told by many, that what we share is "special." I never imagined my life without him until now. This past year has been hellacious for me. I don't know how else to describe it.

My husband got into flying about 5 or 6 years ago without knowing this was something he'd fall in love with and become very good at. I wasn't a fan of this idea from the beginning. I was scared for his safety and concerned he'd never be home. I have a pilot uncle and cousin in the industry. Despite my concerns, my husband continued pursuing his interest, flying and studying on the weekends and evenings while working 50 - 60 hours a week. As if that wasn't enough of an adjustment for me, last year, he decided to quit his good paying full-time job that he'd been at for 7 years to complete the training and ratings required to become a first officer. He kicked the new year off by going out of state for a solid month to get his 100 hours of multi-engine time. That was probably one of the most stressful months for me. I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't eat, I had trouble sleeping. I was miserable! $10K (just multi engine training cost) later he decides he needed to go to another state for jet training. I flew on the weekends to see him and tried like heck to be supportive but this was new for me. I was used to spending all of my free time with him. I struggled the five years he pursued this from home but this was different. At least he was home everyday. Now I was in a long distance relationship! His jet training lasted a good four months. He started applying for jobs as soon as he got his rating. Seven weeks later, he accepted a flight instructor job out of state. He feared he wouldn't be able to get a job without the experience and hours. He tried applying here at home with no success so he accepted the position. I freaked out. I BEGGED him not to go. We couldn't afford for me to give up my job here because it was paying the bills...barely. I cried. I was tired of us being apart. I hated that he was living with roommates instead of me! My husband became obsessed with aviation. It's all he talked about. When he wasn't flying, studying, eating or sleeping he was talking about aviation. He thought it was great to be around people that shared the same passion and love for flying. Mind you, most of these people were single and not married.

He was in AZ for another six months. He worked 7 days a week and only got holidays off. The long distance took it's toll and our marriage has nearly fallen apart. I felt abandoned and lonely for the first time in our relationship. Nothing I said or did could get him to come home. I refused to travel to see him because I felt it was his turn to commute. I was sick of spending the limited time I had with him surrounded by his roommates and collegues anyway. I was so sick of hearing them talk about aviation. I couldn't stomach it anymore. I couldn't help but feel replaced by a career! My husband would always tell me to be strong and that everything would be okay. . . he would beg me to be patient. He enjoyed his new job. I really believe he was too busy to even miss me.

I filed for a seperation in November of last year. It was the only comfort I could find at the time. I figured I didn't have to accept it. I feel I did everything in my power to get him to come home. I sent him SOS's, I cried, I begged, I had family members and friends call him. NOTHING I did could get him to come home, not even for a day or two. The flight school was too busy and he didn't want to risk losing his job. He asked me to move. He offered to take out another loan but I wasn't about to give up my job, friends and family to be surrounded by aviation lovers. No thanks! He was working 7 days a week anyway. And when he wasn't working he was studying.

I was devastated. Heartbroken for the first time in my life. I had to get on anxiety and anti-depressants just to function. I rebounded into another relationship shortly after I filed my papers because I felt so lonely. It felt so good to have someone ask me how my day was and actually want to spend some time with me. I felt so neglected by my husband. I was so hurt and so angry. I wondered if he was seeing someone. I couldn't comprehend why he couldn't come home or how he could be okay spending so much time apart from me! I warned him I was fed up. I told him how lonely I was. He made efforts to call more often and send emails but I needed more than that.

When my husband came home for Thanksgiving (which was two months from the last time we saw eachother) I showed him the papers and told him I was seeing someone else. He took full responsibility and instantly forgave me. He went out and bought me a laptop computer with hopes that we could see eachother online and not feel so far apart from one another and hoped we could salvage our relationship. However, he went back to his job in AZ two days later! I decided to continue seeing the other guy. When that relationship fell apart a month later I found out my husband was in contact with an ex girlfriend of his, which he claims was only because he was heart broken? We were in a soap opera!

My husband came home for Christmas and we decided to give "us" another shot. We cried a lot together because it had been one hell of a year. We couldn't believe our marriage turned into such a mess! We started going to counseling since both of us felt betrayed. I had and still have a lot of hurt and anger inside. Although I admit if I was a stronger independent person I would of been a better supporter I can't help but feel like I did my part by communicating my position. I clearly stated that I wasn't doing well. I can't get over the fact that I was ignored when I sent my husband SOS's. I was hospitalized twice for my anxiety and panic attacks.

In my husbands defense he was determined to attain his goal. He felt like no other flight instructor position could give him the hours he was getting. He felt so close to getting what he needed to succeed.

He finally moved back home in February. He landed a job as a first officer and is now based in California. He recently got home from IOE training and is now on reserve commuting back and forth. I'm on the fence. I don't know what to do.

I feel like I don't have the personality to be a pilot's wife. I didn't get married to spend anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and weekends by myself with my man in another state. I read some of the stories on this website. I can't stomach the idea of my husband spending more time with a flight attendant than me. I don't even want to experience that! I'm tired. I'm drained. I don't even know how to be happy for my husband's accomplishments. There was a time when I used to bake a cake, buy balloons or throw a party after every rating because I was trying to be supportive. I cry when I read the stories on this website about how happy and excited you girls are for your husbands or boyfriends because they got hired. I don't know how to be happy when I feel like this career has stolen my best friend. I'm so bitter about it.

So the question I need to answer is: Do I give our marriage another shot? Do I fight for our marriage when the root of the problem still exists? Everytime he's home I feel like I'm on a timer. I don't want to get close because I know he's leaving again.

Do I move on? Be happy for the 10 years we shared and focus on myself? People change....that's what I've always heard. I just didn't think it would happen to us.

Any suggestions?