When husbands get distant

[Mistress Trista]

It depends on his schedule how much we talk. Of course he always calls the house when I'm in the middle of one of my favorite shows... Of course i have been known to ignore the call. We have caller ID. I usually let him know, though. Okay, I'm on deadline, i have to get these edits back by the end of the week, so if I dont' answer, don't panic. He just rolls his eyes and says, If my wife leaves me it will be for someone who knows how to spell and where to put a comma...

Hey if it knocks down edit time, I'm game...

[Kristie]

now, that's funny!!! I'll do that too... kinda sorta...if he's calling during one of my shows, i'll pick up and just say "10 more minute mmmmkay?!" and he'll say "mmmmkay.. but you call me cuz now, it's phone tag, your it". HAHA

it used to be we would call eachother all the time.. now it's more like doug calls me and i know it'll either be 8am or midnight due to the time change and the fact that he's the one with the skype $$ and not me.

[runfar66]

99, Tallgrl, Chi, McMuff, Regina and everyone else! Thanks for the input. This is why I went online and found this board, to hear from other women in similar situations...

My dh does call, as much as possible. Just, for some reason, he does not really want to talk about his work or what is going on in his life while he is away. He does talk about the captain he flies with, and his situation (like if he is married, has a baby on the way, etc.)but for some reason avoids any talk about women he works with.

For example, he flew with a female captain a few trips back, but (and I did not ask) I don't know anything about her. If I would have asked, like, if she is married, has kids, whatever, he would take it that I am jealous and insecure. And what is weird is I talk about the people I work with all the time. Just because it is interesting to see how others spend their time, what their family situation is, etc.

And I can't and don't ask who is going when he says he is going out to eat or for a beer, because he will get defensive right away, "NO, no females are going with, just the captain and me!"

I know if I said I was going out after work (which I DON'T do) he would ask who is going...but I can't without starting an argument. In his defense, he does not go out for a beer very often, mostly due to the fact that he takes late show times for commuting purposes.

Anyway, I posted this original topic to see what other wives/gfs go through. I want to show dh certain posts about how other pilots have NO PROBLEM talking to their women about anything that comes up but I don't think it will help. He just gets defensive.

[Kristie]

Originally Posted by runfar66

I know if I said I was going out after work (which I DON'T do) he would ask who is going...but I can't without starting an argument.

you can't what without starting an argument? you can't not tell him? he won't accept the "no males are going, it's ok" type verbage he gives you?

so, in essence, what's good for the goose (him) isn't good for the gander (you)? nah... i don't think so...if dh ever started playing games like that with me, i'd just pull the punches right back at him so he can see what's wrong with *that*. if your dh pulls the "no, no females are going" and leaves it with that then you should be able to pull the "no, no males are going, i'll talk to you later" as well....

there should be nothing wrong with you going out after work as well...we office workers also need a breather and sometimes happy hour is great for that!!

[devin]

If you can't talk when he's away, you won't have much of a relationship left when he comes home... it'll start affecting the time you have together before long. Communication is VITAL! Two years of him being gone 99% of the time teaches you this lesson quickly.

[Loubie Lou]

It's easy to be secure when your partner acts in an open and trustworthy manner. If he is secretive or defensive, it puts a distance between you...

Sorry to play devils advocate, but maybe his ex wasn't as muchof a bunny boiler as he made out... It sounds like he's being manipulative and using the ills of his past relationship into manipulating you into a conditioned response... Rather like dangling a knife on a thread over your head...

By saying 'my ex wife was nutty, possessive, jealous and interrogated me, and therefore my relationship ended'; he has implanted a veiled threat that means you do not have the ablity to communicate with him in an open way without fear of him pulling the rug from beneath you, or cutting the cord. Your feelings are valid and rational. You have every right to ask him open questions, as long as you are not going to give him a hard time for telling the truth.

You should set these ground rules, albeit somewhat late, that he needs to be open with you... Perhaps he should simply offer you his account of his day, rather than you having to ask...

To be honest, it seems like his fears are deep rooted, being jaded by his past relationship has left him with baggage that he has brought with him into his relationship with you. Its not fair on you, or your relationship... He's really not giving you a fair bite at the apple.

Maybe he should speak to someone about this. A relationship should be based on trust, but this has to work BOTH ways, not just you trusting him, but him earning your trust, and showing you that he is a man of integrity.

[runfar66]

Everyone has really good points, backing up how I feel. Thanks!

As for exaggerating about his ex's jealousy, he has told me about at least 3 instances, though, that I can't imagine he made up, where she got jealous and stormed away from him. She got upset that he was perusing a poster sized photo of Marilyn Monroe on display at a store, and she said something extremely lewd, like "do you want to f#$% her?" She also ran out of line at the Walmart, of all places, when she thought she saw him looking at another customer. She did this again while on vacation in San Francisco.

Now, I should not be made to pay for her behavior, though. That is unfair to me. And I don't even pay attention to where is he is looking but I don't think he has ever openly gawked at other women while in my presence, so she is imagining things. But now he is really scarred by that crazy behavior and is trying to nip it in the bud, which is even more unfair to me.

In addition, we are adults here, not immature middle school kids..I feel like this is so 7th grade to be having disagreements about this stuff!

We have not discussed this issue lately, have had too many other things to deal with, but I am sure it will come up again when he says he is going to eat and won't elaborate further.


Bottom line is that this pilot's lifestyle is different than a traditonal marriage where the spouses are both home together at night. I feel like our guys should be aware of that and make more effort to be reassuring and open about their life away from home. I have tried to explain that to dh but, because he feels guilt about being away as it is,he gets defensive.

I may just have to play hardball and not be as open about what I am doing while he is gone, and see how he likes it. That seems very immature but it may make him realize how it feels to be on the other end.