When husbands get distant

[itsnotjodi]

Regina: again, i love reading your posts. I like the agreement you have worked out with your dh. I wish I could have made a plan like that with him. But I came into his life after he had been a pilot for a while, and plus, he has been a bacho, his whole life..and i have not mentioned, there is quite an age difference between us, so he def doesnt like it when i tell him how he has to live now. But you are so right about the alchol, Thats one thing i dread..is when he goes to canada and mexico. mexico esp. Sometimes I bid for him too, and I always avoid long layovers in mexico. I already found out he had gone to several while i was pregnant. That man underestimates how much a girl can find out when she is determined lol.

[runfar66]

Regina,

So you and your husband do have an agreement about what is and what is not appropriate to do while away? Mine says that he is 40 years old and should not have to get an "ok" from me to do anything like that. He says he feels he is "p---y whipped" if he has to do that. I replied, would he like it if I went to dinner with some man that I had been working with all day in a town thousands of miles away with hotel room nearby? Would he not be at all concerned or want to know who and what is going on?

Not only that but he has told me that some f/a's have said some inappropriate things, like "are you sure you could handle a woman with children?" and one asked after he hung up the phone with me "are you still in LOVE with her?" Weird! I work with lots of men and would never ask such personal questions! I give respect to their relationships.

Jodi- So did he get mad that you snooped? And what was his reason/explanation/excuse? Geez, that really is disconcerting. I feel so bad for you.

[flyershoe]

Originally Posted by itsnotjodi

You used to be able to look up the pictures of his crew on coair.com. I always used to check his crews names on there to see if they were pretty..(i know im bad lol)

Oh, but you CAN!!
https://www.coair.com/phline_pictures/XXXXX.jpg

That probably won't come up right, but you just type in the employee ID to replace the X's.

All you need to know is their employee number, which you can get from their pairings. My boyfriend never goes to lunch or dinner alone with any female crew member, and always tells me the details. We had an "incident" as well, last year when he first left for training, but he told me the very next day and we've managed to move past it for the most part. I would have never known if he hadn't told me (it was a drunken hook-up, and he'd only been with 2 people before me, and had hever had a one-night stand before)... it was totally unexpected. He was the one person that I was 100% sure would never be unfaithful. The worst part was that he told me on APRIL FOOL'S DAY!?! I didn't believe him!!! Sometimes I wish that he'd never told me - I never would have found out.

There's a good book (although Brian says that it was written for women, lol) called His Needs Her Needs which I thought was great. It's an easy read, too - I had a hard time getting through Men are from Mars.. this one is better, IMO.

Anyway, I wish you all the best of luck... it sucks that things are hard enough when they're gone all the time... then when situations arise, it just makes it that much harder to get through it. Makes you kinda

*hugs* to all!!!

[Bigsweetie]

Originally Posted by runfar66

Regina,

So you and your husband do have an agreement about what is and what is not appropriate to do while away? Mine says that he is 40 years old and should not have to get an "ok" from me to do anything like that. He says he feels he is "p---y whipped" if he has to do that.

YES! Most pilot families DO have an understanding of "appropriate" behavior on the road. For some pilot wives/gf's there ARE no boundaries, for others, there are. No one here should judge ANYONE about what boundaries they want to put in their marriage/relationship. EVER! So don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your feelings are valid, as well as his, and you two should work out a compromise together. Compromise (as well as trust- but not blind trust IMO) is important in any relationship. If he wants you to "trust" him on the road, then he should work on compromising more. It's a two way street.

If he feels like he's being "p---y whipped" by this, then drop him. Otherwise you'll ALWAYS be wondering what's going on and eventually it'll eat you alive.

It works both ways though. If my husband EVER had a concern about ANYTHING that goes on here at home while he's gone, I would bend over backwards to make him as reassured and comfortable as possible. If he needed me to tell him where I was going and when I would! And then, of course, in the mean time I would try to get at the root cause of why he's not secure about my whereabouts when he's gone. But i'd NEVER approach it with defensiveness, resentment, or anger.

[Regina]

Oh, I just wanted to point out that I talked to my husband about the subject, and he was quite shocked that some of the other wives do not know how to retrieve their husband's schedule. He wondered why everything was kept secret, but maybe it is just our opinion because we are so open about everything.

The whole "p...whipped" bothered both of us. He confirmed what I thought about something was up with that...whether it is just someone wanting to hide something or whatever the reason... When, you marry someone, I assume that a certain amount of respect about each other's feelings come into place...especially about someone else's actions. I wouldn't be going to some bar when my husband was out of town,....if it bothered him. (not that I have time to go to a bar for a drink...ha ha)

Yes, I agree that boundaries need to be set by the individual couple. You can seek examples from others, in order to find different ideas, but ultimately, the boundaries should be what you two, as a couple, feel is appropriate for you two. I definetly do not want my husband to feel that I am telling him what to do, but instead, I hope that my husband is listening when I say that I feel it is inappropriate behavior that I feel uncomfortable with...yes, he sometimes feels left out of things, but he also knows that our marriage is more important than a night out with a co-worker that you will probably fly with a couple of times in your career. My personal feeling is that I am expected to be independent at home; why can't they be independent at work...? You need to be kind, professional, and such to your co-workers, but shouldn't you give your spouse even more consideration than you would give your co-workers? So, if going out with the crew works for you, great! If one of you feels it is not okay, then I would seriously try to communicate and come up with a decision that is right and comfortable for the both of you.

[itsnotjodi]

Originally Posted by runfar66

Jodi- So did he get mad that you snooped? And what was his reason/explanation/excuse? Geez, that really is disconcerting. I feel so bad for you.

runfar-
the crazy thing is: YES. lol he got so mad tht I snooped, and tried to turn the WHOLE thing around on me! But obviously..I snooped for a good reason..sometimes you just have to go with you gut. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do...and if that means some snoop'in to find some answers..so be it! and yeah..it was all of the above..a reason "because we had a fight"..an explanation "we were drunk" and an excuse "she came on to me" ...............YEAP....basically buddy: you didn't care enough to stop and think about what a good thing you had waiting eagerly for ya at home. Its okay though, don't feel bad. I am wiser for it now, and am not wearing my favorite rose tinted glasses..However... I really did want that happy ending

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by itsnotjodi

runfar-
the crazy thing is: YES. lol he got so mad tht I snooped, and tried to turn the WHOLE thing around on me! But obviously..I snooped for a good reason..sometimes you just have to go with you gut. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do...and if that means some snoop'in to find some answers..so be it! and yeah..it was all of the above..a reason "because we had a fight"..an explanation "we were drunk" and an excuse "she came on to me" ...............YEAP....basically buddy: you didn't care enough to stop and think about what a good thing you had waiting eagerly for ya at home. Its okay though, don't feel bad. I am wiser for it now, and am not wearing my favorite rose tinted glasses..However... I really did want that happy ending

I was nosy this weekend and listened through the floor when I heard my (male) downstairs neighbor yelling.

He was yelling at his girlfriend, who was pissed off about a note she'd found that was written to her boyfriend (my downstairs neighbor) by some other woman.

While she, the girlfriend, asked absolutely relevant questions, he - the boyfriend - focused on how the girlfriend shouldn't have read the note.

It was an interesting study in deflection.

[itsnotjodi]

Men ALWAYS overreact when there is something to hide!

[Kelly]

Originally Posted by itsnotjodi

Men ALWAYS overreact when there is something to hide!

and they ALWAYS try to turn it around on you!!! I learned that a loooong time ago.

[Imachickadee75]

Originally Posted by Bigsweetie

YES! Most pilot families DO have an understanding of "appropriate" behavior on the road. For some pilot wives/gf's there ARE no boundaries, for others, there are. No one here should judge ANYONE about what boundaries they want to put in their marriage/relationship. EVER! So don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your feelings are valid, as well as his, and you two should work out a compromise together. Compromise (as well as trust- but not blind trust IMO) is important in any relationship. If he wants you to "trust" him on the road, then he should work on compromising more. It's a two way street.

If he feels like he's being "p---y whipped" by this, then drop him. Otherwise you'll ALWAYS be wondering what's going on and eventually it'll eat you alive.

It works both ways though. If my husband EVER had a concern about ANYTHING that goes on here at home while he's gone, I would bend over backwards to make him as reassured and comfortable as possible. If he needed me to tell him where I was going and when I would! And then, of course, in the mean time I would try to get at the root cause of why he's not secure about my whereabouts when he's gone. But i'd NEVER approach it with defensiveness, resentment, or anger.

Wow! I don't think I could say it better than this! Amen Sister! I wonder if your DH thinks because he doesn't question your time spent/relationships with your fellow officers, it gives him the right to expect you to do the same? In my opinion, because we are talking about overnights (not that seedy things can't happen other times) the context is very different than any other job.

My DH also would feel badgered and "p--sy whipped" if I had to ask all the time what he was up to and with (no pun intended). However, he has enough respect for me to tell me up front what his plans are with the crew. He has enough respect for me not to put himself in a potentially comprimising situation by going alone with a flight attendent anywhere. He has enough respect for me to make a point of letting me know when he does do something like walk a F.A. to get dinner at night in a not so great part of town (he was on his way back from the burger joint and met up with her. I was totally fine with this). He has enough respect for me to understand when I feel overwhelmed, frustrated and sad by the circumstances of the career HE chose.

That's what I see lacking here. It doesn't sound like it would take much effort on his part to ease your mind -why can't he swallow his damn pride and HELP YOU. That's his job. Now, in the context of our relationship, him telling you those weird comments by FA's would be a good thing. I would see them as a great opportunity to talk about your situation.

And one more thing.....his crack about all pilot wives being well-adjusted, content and happy at home. MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! As a good friend would say "what the F--k? Over"! It is HARD being the one at home, raising kids, taking care of the house, and in your case holding a stressful full time job. Sometimes it's okay and sometimes its not. I don't think any of us would say, "Hi, I'm so and so, and I love the fact my husband is gone all the time -in fact I'm perfectly content!" No way. Are alot of us okay with it most of the time? Sure -or we'd divorce 'em, but perfectly content -uh, no.

Please have him read this post.

Jackie

PS. Sorry to be so "animated" but I guess I'm just feeling a little fiesty today!