Just joined and looking for what is normal and what is not advice

[treesyb]

Hi all! I just joined this board as I'm seeking some advice. Let me start at the beginning:

I met K from a dating website. We had a date that almost wasn't. I work in film/tv production so I often get invited to parties. I had been invited to a film festival party, which happened to also be the same day as my grandmother's funeral! And I had invited K to this party (probably not the wisest thing for a first date but I really didn't want to go by myself as my usual friends weren't going to the party). Anyway, I'm waiting for the party to start at a bar, after having attended my grandmother's funeral, and I had sent K an email stating where to meet, and the attire. Well, he didn't get the email, and when I MSN'd him online, he was just getting off his flight and was actually intending to go home first. I told him if he did that, he'd miss the party and I wasn't sure where I'd be after, so he agreed to meet me downtown so we could go to the party together and then see what happened from there.

We meet and we hit it off right away. We seemed to both like the same things, have a lot of the same interests, and we actually couldn't stop grinning at each other the whole night. We ended up going for dinner after the party, and it turned out when he was in Toronto, he stayed with his grandmother, who lives about 10 minutes away from me. So I took him home.

We agreed to see each other again, we did have a couple of more dates. Quite fun. But I wasn't getting a lot of communication with him. In the month we were dating, he missed 2 dates when he said he would be coming into Toronto. Once for lack of flights, and another, he didn't even sound like he remembered we had a date. After not hearing from him for a couple of days, I decided I didn't want to be the brunt of broken dates, and sent him a text saying good bye. No response!

6 months later, I am in a new relationship, which turns sour after another 3 months. But through a freak computer incident where my email was spammed to everyone in my address book, K emails me back to say he was thinking of me and wanted to see me again. And that he was moving to Toronto (that was the summer) - previously he was based in Texas. After the 3 month relationship went sour, I kinda needed a rebound man. So I agreed to see K again. We had a really good first month, like the other time, although I was much more hestitant now after being burned previously, but I figured, now I know what I was dealing with, sort-of.

But now I have a lot of questions about is this normal (personality and lifestyle of a pilot) or is this because K is a narcissist and jerk? I figure if I know if it's one or the other I can decide whether I want to pursue this relationship, as after a month together, I had broken it off with K because I wanted a relationship that was more reliable. However, I dated a couple of reliable guys in the last couple of months, and all I can say is, I was bored on the first date, and never got past date 2. I also realize that with me as a film/tv producer, the partner I choose must have an equally exciting career (I can't find compatible someone with a boring lifestyle – believe me I’ve gone through a lot of first and only dates with guys who only wanted to hear about my career/or wanted a job). Much of the attraction of K is I do want to hear about all the exciting places he visits.

So my questions are these:
1. is it normal for a pilot to be away for long periods of time?
K was previously based in Memphis but switched to Detroit (in November) which is a lot closer to Toronto - Memphis was his reason for not making it back to Toronto as it was difficult to find the flights. I gave him my schedule in November and he couldn't make his way back for any of the events, even though he was at that point based in Detroit. Given I gave him the dates in November - is it better to provide important dates well in advance? Do they get days off well in advance? I'm still a little unclear about schedules.

2. is it normal he seems to travel and take vacations a lot at the drop of the hat and that’s part of his disappearing act.
One time, he was on radio-silence for a couple of weeks, and then BOOM! He sends me a photo from Japan. He’s at a tennis match. (we are both tennis afficiandos so he knew I'd be interested)

3. is it normal that communication is sporadic
I’m noticing that a lot of the women here communicate with their SO’s regularly. Sometimes he won’t text me for a week and when he does, it’s like we haven’t been on radio silence for that long. Although I have a busy lifestyle myself, sometimes I just wanna know that someone is thinking of me. I’ve texted him sometimes and not received a response. I mentioned that to him recently, and he said he didn’t get the text – I’m wondering if it is a texting thing since we are in different countries. So now I’ve taken to emailing the same message, if he doesn’t respond to the text. Does that seem weird?

4. the more I ignore him (like not texting) the more keen he is. (A friend of mine calls it “treat him mean, keep him keen”) I hate that game! I’d rather be honest, if I like someone, I’m there fully and completely. But he doesn’t seem to respond to that! That I think is a guy thing, but I’m wondering if that’s a commitment phobia thing, and do pilots have a stronger sense of commitment phobia as their lifestyles keep them in flux?

Anyway, if you’ve gotten this far, THANK YOU!!! Hope I can gather some insight from you experts, and help me make a decision if this is a worthwhile pursuit. I really like K, but the whole sporadic disappearing act is driving me crazy!

[BAC]

I'm under the school of thought that a man is a man, no matter the profession. I also think that if a guy really likes you, he is going to let you know in some form or another. Don't excuse or let him be a commitment-phobe just because he is a pilot.

To answer your questions:

1. is it normal for a pilot to be away for long periods of time?
Usually as a very generic rule, pilots are gone about half of the time. How that time is divided usually depends on the particular airline/corporation the pilot flies for. Some pilots are 2 weeks on/2 weeks off. Some 1 week on/1 week off. Airline pilots usually are on around 4 days/around 3 off. It will depend on seniority and how they bid each month. They usually don't know their schedule until about 3 weeks before the beginning of each month. This means that they can't schedule things too far in advance at times. Sometimes the company can extend or change their schedules last minute too.

#2 & #3, It is certainly easy to travel because of jumpseat privileges, but not all pilots do constantly.. this would depend on the individual and their lifestyle. I am not sure about how text messages get lost on their way around the globe, but there are many ways to communicate while in other countries.

#4, That is funny because I had that happen with a past guy I used to date. Once I started pulling away, he texted/called even more. I think some guys just like the chase. Be aware of that too.

I think you should be honest. If you feel like enough time has gone by and you feel comfortable, tell him you like him and you are willing to work on moving forward. You will see after that if he has the same feelings or not.

I wish you the best of luck! Let us know how things turn out.

[Mistress Trista]

Traveling can sometimes be very difficult for pilots too. Sometimes flights are full or delayed, especially this time of year. It could be lack of time off as well. By the time he gets there, he'll just have to turn around and start heading back to be back at work on time.

Dating or being married to a pilot is tough. I talked to my dh pretty regularly...sometimes too much...lol. There have also been times hubby hasn't gotten a text or a voice mail. Especially if you call while they're flying. Sometimes I don't get his. Or maybe that's just a verizon thing...shrugs.

If you really like him, give it a chance and see how it goes. But above all, be honest with him...

[spotty4]

I agree w/ BAC. A man is a man, no matter the profession. I don't think you can fairly stereotype pilots as commitment-phobes. There are a lot of pilots out there that certainly do fit the profile; but there are just as many other pilots out there that are committed husbands and fathers.

Agreed, no matter how you cut it, pilots are generally gone half the time, home half the time.

Also agreed, sometimes pilots can have trouble traveling. Season, weather, maintenance issues, etc, all can play a part in how easy it is to non-rev or jump seat. But typically, if the pilot has been at it long enough, they learn the patterns and schedules and get pretty good at getting around to common/repeated destinations (home, base, other frequented cities).

I think you've just got a man that doesn't really know what he wants. If a man is into you and really wants to be w/ you, he will make it known, loud and clear.

[Kristie]

1. is it normal for a pilot to be away for long periods of time?
K was previously based in Memphis but switched to Detroit (in November) which is a lot closer to Toronto - Memphis was his reason for not making it back to Toronto as it was difficult to find the flights. I gave him my schedule in November and he couldn't make his way back for any of the events, even though he was at that point based in Detroit. Given I gave him the dates in November - is it better to provide important dates well in advance? Do they get days off well in advance? I'm still a little unclear about schedules.

I think something we need to understand more about is what type of flying does he do? do you know if he's an airline pilot for a smaller regional, large legacy (major airline) or is he a corporate or freight pilot? do you know where he's based at and where he tends to fly to? has he explained any of his scheduling to you to let you know what schedule he typically works?

the reason i ask these questions is because life as a pilot can be very different depending on what type of flying he does...some can fly for 4 days, be home for 3...some fly for 2 weeks, home for 2...some fly nights only...some fly out and back...and some are on call 24/7/365 and have to leave at the drop of a hat...so it really makes a difference as to what kind of pilot he is.

2. is it normal he seems to travel and take vacations a lot at the drop of the hat and that’s part of his disappearing act.
One time, he was on radio-silence for a couple of weeks, and then BOOM! He sends me a photo from Japan. He’s at a tennis match. (we are both tennis afficiandos so he knew I'd be interested)

absolutely! if he's single and has the flight benefits to be able to hop on a codeshare or his own airline to go travel or jumpseat using the CASS system then he has the availability and opportunity to just go at the drop of a hat. being on "radio-silence" would be kindof a red flag to me....if he's single...what's the radio silence for? have you asked him why he doesn't respond when you text him sometimes? it seems strange to me that more than once he would say "i never got it"..texting, like email, is pretty simplistic in technology and doesn't typically drop off like some calls would. if he keeps using that excuse, i think, being a technological person yourself would see that as a yellow flag and one of those "huh?" type questions.

3. is it normal that communication is sporadic
I’m noticing that a lot of the women here communicate with their SO’s regularly. Sometimes he won’t text me for a week and when he does, it’s like we haven’t been on radio silence for that long. Although I have a busy lifestyle myself, sometimes I just wanna know that someone is thinking of me. I’ve texted him sometimes and not received a response. I mentioned that to him recently, and he said he didn’t get the text – I’m wondering if it is a texting thing since we are in different countries. So now I’ve taken to emailing the same message, if he doesn’t respond to the text. Does that seem weird?

i think it really depends on how close you are as to how much conversation you have...if he's really into you, he'll want to communicate more...if he's looking for a nice layover booty call, he might not. how does it feel when he doesn't talk to you? do you feel kindof alone in the room or unattended to? does it bother you and if so, have you mentioned it? i don't think it seems odd at all that you'd be trying to communicate using different methods....but i'd say if he doesn't respond to the variations that you're trying whether it's text, email, skype or what not..then that might be a clue as to just "how much" into you he is.

4. the more I ignore him (like not texting) the more keen he is. (A friend of mine calls it “treat him mean, keep him keen”) I hate that game! I’d rather be honest, if I like someone, I’m there fully and completely. But he doesn’t seem to respond to that! That I think is a guy thing, but I’m wondering if that’s a commitment phobia thing, and do pilots have a stronger sense of commitment phobia as their lifestyles keep them in flux?

he sounds like the type that enjoys the chase and you might have to take that with a grain of salt and an open mind. how *much* he enjoys the chase should give you some inclination as to what he wants with you....i would probably think (IMO) that if he continues this methodology of "chase" for too long, then that might be your answer as to whether or not a relationship is even possible.

like the other ladies have already said also...if he's into you and wants longer term, he'll make it known!
HTH and welcome to JG!

[Chi829]

Yeah, Krisite, I was going to ask the same questions as far as who does he fly for and what time of flying does he do.... that would telll us a lot.

[Chi829]

3. is it normal that communication is sporadic
I’m noticing that a lot of the women here communicate with their SO’s regularly. Sometimes he won’t text me for a week and when he does, it’s like we haven’t been on radio silence for that long. Although I have a busy lifestyle myself, sometimes I just wanna know that someone is thinking of me. I’ve texted him sometimes and not received a response. I mentioned that to him recently, and he said he didn’t get the text – I’m wondering if it is a texting thing since we are in different countries. So now I’ve taken to emailing the same message, if he doesn’t respond to the text. Does that seem weird?

My hubby and I talk several times a day every day he is gone. Even if he is out of the country, we still talk.

[treesyb]

I think something we need to understand more about is what type of flying does he do? do you know if he's an airline pilot for a smaller regional, large legacy (major airline) or is he a corporate or freight pilot? do you know where he's based at and where he tends to fly to? has he explained any of his scheduling to you to let you know what schedule he typically works?

the reason i ask these questions is because life as a pilot can be very different depending on what type of flying he does...some can fly for 4 days, be home for 3...some fly for 2 weeks, home for 2...some fly nights only...some fly out and back...and some are on call 24/7/365 and have to leave at the drop of a hat...so it really makes a difference as to what kind of pilot he is.

He flies for Northwest/Delta. When I met him he was based out of Memphis, but in November he moved to Detroit. I don't quite understand the whole scheduling thing, which is why when he explained it to me I just blanked and it literally went completely over my head. I can't fault him too much about explaining the scheduling thing because I kind of didn't really understand and thought, I would figure it out later... I just really haven't figured it out. And I'm not really sure where he is in the hierarchy of pilots. I know he's not a rookie, but I know he's not that senior because he told me he wasn't senior enough to meet me in Orlando (he said those seats were always taken by senior pilots especially during the holidays or winter months).

[treesyb]

Yeah, Krisite, I was going to ask the same questions as far as who does he fly for and what time of flying does he do.... that would telll us a lot.

He flies out of Detroit, so whenever he leaves from Toronto it's either first thing in the morning, or he has to leave the day before to ensure he makes it back to Detroit.

[treesyb]

Traveling can sometimes be very difficult for pilots too. Sometimes flights are full or delayed, especially this time of year. It could be lack of time off as well. By the time he gets there, he'll just have to turn around and start heading back to be back at work on time.

That seems to be a lot of it with him, as he is not based in the city I live in. But I wasn't sure if that's an excuse or if it was reality. Thanks for this... very helpful.