How would you feel? - Page 4

Pilot Princess · 03-01-2006, 12:46 AM

Like I said, he told me he was going to look for a different bed, which I am happy about. The whole thing with him sharing a room with females seems inevitable, seeings how this crashpad owner originally started this crashpad as a "male only", and then, decided all he cared about was filling beds and making $$. So now, females are more than welcome, and will not ever have their own rooms with other females. It's like "The Real World, Newark."

Maybe I am just having a bad day, I don't know, but yesterday marked our 1 year anniversary, and I sat and thought about everything we have been through in the last year, and how he has broken my trust the first 6 months. I thought we moved beyond it, and I can say I trust he won't do something dishonest, but I am just thinking "am I cut out for this? can I see living my life this way forever? Is this relationship going toward the next level, or is it going to remain this way for the next 10 years?"

Today, I talked to an old friend and she told me all about what has been happening with her the last year. She is getting married, they just bought a house, she just got a new job...things are really looking up for her and I am happy for her. However, when I told my BF about her news, he was quite skeptical and thinks that it's too soon for them to be getting married. I explained to him that all couples are different and some wait 6 months, some wait 6 years. As long as they both have the same goals and a good relationship, and are truly in love...what is the problem? They have also been together a year. I have never seen her as happy as she is, and I know that he is truly in love with her. Plus, they have both been in marriages before, so they know what they are getting into.

I found myself questioning where my own relationship is going after I spoke with her. I know that my BF is very focused on his career right now. I am not his main priority. But I am afraid that this is how it will always be. In the airline industry, as we all know, there is no such thing as STABILITY. You could be at your job for 10 years and have it fold. You can't plan where you want to be in 5 years, you will never know. You might be FURLOUGHED in 5 years, or downgraded back to FO after being a CA because your airline is getting rid of planes...you just never know.

Maybe I just need to vent a little, and that is why I am feeling so lost right now. I just felt like after hearing all the things my friend told me, I shouldn't have been comparing my relationship to hers and thinking I am getting the shaft. I feel guilty about it. Being that I am 29, and a single mom, and have been through a lot of shit, I know that if I am going to be in a relationship for over a year, I want it to be headed somewhere more permanent. Sometimes I really wonder if he is with me for the right reasons and not just because I am the first one who stuck with him for this long, and it's comfortable. Him and I have not talked about things a typical couple talks about when they are in a serious relationship. He doesn't know if I want any more kids, and I don't know if he wants kids someday. I don't know if he wants to get married someday, and he doesn't know this about me either. We have never talked about any of this. We have never talked about where this is going, or where we want it to go...Is this normal?

I Just needed to vent I guess...anybody else been here or ever felt this way?

Kimberly · 03-01-2006, 08:53 AM

Wow!
No this is not normal. You and your BF should be able to sit down and talk about these things. Even if it is to say, ' I'm not sure where things are going, or how I feel about more kids'. But if you have been together for a year, it is time to start aksing some of these questions of each other. I think communication is SO important, and it means something to be able to be open and transparent with each other.. for no other reason than being able to learn who each other are beneath the surface. To me that is the beautiful thing about relationships. To be able to look at someone and say " I know who he is, what he wants, and what his hopes and dreams are." ... and at least have an idea as to how you fit into the picture.... to a certain degree.

Kristie · 03-01-2006, 01:40 PM

yeah, but sometimes it takes time to establish all of that information and decide whether the path is right or not... a year is not nearly long enough to get "everything" established.. even 2 years, IMO isn't long enough...I have to say that at least 3 years is good bonding time. it's good to have all the wrinkles worked out and be "working" as a single unit before getting married.

truth be known, i still don't know my husband 100% and am learning new things everyday! I have to admit that if he was that easy to figure out, i'd get bored quick! haha

I can totally relate to where Pilot Princess is right now because I used to be exactly where she was a good 12 years ago... for the first 3 (maybe even 4) years, i'd say.. i was NOT the main priority..establishing his career was.. it took a bit of a mental change for me to accept that establishing my career (as well) and *myself* was more important than establishing marriage and family. once you get the careers established, then you can afford a family both financially and mentally.

but that's not how it is in all cases....

Pilot Princess's BF sounds like my DH...let me know if i'm wrong PP...he wants to get established before making any future "permanent" commitments right? so, if he puts all of his might into the career and holds you at arms length, it's because he's trying to get that accomplished so when that's done - he can fully concentrate on the relationship you two have and in building it... now, that doesn't mean your not in a relationship and that there aren't "relationship" responsibilities.. he has to understand that your just as important as the career and that things he/you do can undermine that growing process...but in order to compromise with him, he needs to feel that it's ok with you that he work as hard as he can, as fast as he can to get fully established and get the seniority number up to the right spot where he can finally settle down - with you...kwim?

I can say, for me, it was a huge learning curve...there were many times that dh had to explain over and over again WHY we were doing it this way - there was lots of crying on my part...I learned a ton about patience...but after he made it to the majors and had high enough seniority to not have to sit reserve, he did what he said he was gonna do and said "now, i can move on to the most important thing in my life" which was me and that hasn't changed since...

but.. during these trying times where your learning curve is all *over* the freekin place...you need to make sure that your communicating and that he's communicating even if it's to constantly vent and reaffirm the process...if your having communication problems at this stage - treat it as a red flag and make sure you work out every bit of it...create your own couples therapy session and when he's home once a week, take a night to just do nothing but talk!! doesn't have to be problems.. but just anything really! one things for sure, you do need to sit down and do the 3 month "where are we going.. what do you want out of life" talk!! establish those parameters and see if you both are on the same wavelength!

keep in mind that there is pretty much no industry/field out there that is stable.. it's not just the aviation industry.. it's rampant everywhere...

Lurker · 03-02-2006, 10:06 AM

I can relate PP...my man is previously partnered with children, living in a different country and we've been together for just over a year. I am nearly 34 (he is nearly 41) and I am looking for commitment..I don't want to feel that I am wasting time either and we haven't really had big serious discussions. HOWEVER....I have laid out my 'non negotiables' - marriage and the option of kids.I told him that I don't have time to waste and that whilst my desire to marry and settle down is not his problem, if my non negotiables were something he just didn't see for him (or he had had a vasectomy), I needed to know sooner rather than later as I need to walk if its not going to happen with him.

I have a personal deadline of wanting to have something permanent on the cards by 35...or I need to move to another country where I can increase my chances (China is not the best place to find a life partner as an expat female). I deeply love this man but accept that I am responsible for my own happiness and must do what it takes to have what I want.

Although we haven't gone on to discuss our future formally, I brought up the issue again at Christmas (a 1 year evaluation..well, you do them at work so why not in relationships)...and he assures me that he is still fully aware of what I am looking for and would respect me and what I want for my life enough to tell me if I needed to walk away from him...he asked me not to and we agreed (in view of my ever fast approaching age 35 deadline) to reassess around May when I turn 34.

Since then, he has gently enquired further about my thoughts on having/not having children - so I know he is thinking (although I suspect he is not keen on the idea of having any more). Admittedly, he has a lot of family issues to resolve (child custody/support/separation of assets etc) and I know that won't happen overnight...but my non negotiables are just that and are just as valid as his issues.

I suggest that as you are at a year, have a bit of an audit...first do it yourself. Be very very honest with what you want and what you need from A relationship (not just this one but period) and then weigh that up with what you have. Its not easy to bring up such issues and address concerns - but it HAS to be done and it has to be done before you get too far down the track....you have a child to consider. I don't know if you have introduced them yet but if he is not going to be around because your life paths/needs/goals are incompatable, you don't want your child to get too attached.

Sorry for the long post...PM me if you would like to chat.

biochemtine · 03-03-2006, 01:38 PM

WOW!!! Those are really thought out posts. Very good advice in those posts.

03-01-2006, 12:46 AM	#31 (permalink)
Pilot Princess Jetgirls Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: MI Posts: 34 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: How would you feel? Like I said, he told me he was going to look for a different bed, which I am happy about. The whole thing with him sharing a room with females seems inevitable, seeings how this crashpad owner originally started this crashpad as a "male only", and then, decided all he cared about was filling beds and making $$. So now, females are more than welcome, and will not ever have their own rooms with other females. It's like "The Real World, Newark." Maybe I am just having a bad day, I don't know, but yesterday marked our 1 year anniversary, and I sat and thought about everything we have been through in the last year, and how he has broken my trust the first 6 months. I thought we moved beyond it, and I can say I trust he won't do something dishonest, but I am just thinking "am I cut out for this? can I see living my life this way forever? Is this relationship going toward the next level, or is it going to remain this way for the next 10 years?" Today, I talked to an old friend and she told me all about what has been happening with her the last year. She is getting married, they just bought a house, she just got a new job...things are really looking up for her and I am happy for her. However, when I told my BF about her news, he was quite skeptical and thinks that it's too soon for them to be getting married. I explained to him that all couples are different and some wait 6 months, some wait 6 years. As long as they both have the same goals and a good relationship, and are truly in love...what is the problem? They have also been together a year. I have never seen her as happy as she is, and I know that he is truly in love with her. Plus, they have both been in marriages before, so they know what they are getting into. I found myself questioning where my own relationship is going after I spoke with her. I know that my BF is very focused on his career right now. I am not his main priority. But I am afraid that this is how it will always be. In the airline industry, as we all know, there is no such thing as STABILITY. You could be at your job for 10 years and have it fold. You can't plan where you want to be in 5 years, you will never know. You might be FURLOUGHED in 5 years, or downgraded back to FO after being a CA because your airline is getting rid of planes...you just never know. Maybe I just need to vent a little, and that is why I am feeling so lost right now. I just felt like after hearing all the things my friend told me, I shouldn't have been comparing my relationship to hers and thinking I am getting the shaft. I feel guilty about it. Being that I am 29, and a single mom, and have been through a lot of shit, I know that if I am going to be in a relationship for over a year, I want it to be headed somewhere more permanent. Sometimes I really wonder if he is with me for the right reasons and not just because I am the first one who stuck with him for this long, and it's comfortable. Him and I have not talked about things a typical couple talks about when they are in a serious relationship. He doesn't know if I want any more kids, and I don't know if he wants kids someday. I don't know if he wants to get married someday, and he doesn't know this about me either. We have never talked about any of this. We have never talked about where this is going, or where we want it to go...Is this normal? I Just needed to vent I guess...anybody else been here or ever felt this way? Last edited by Pilot Princess; 03-01-2006 at 12:51 AM.

03-01-2006, 08:53 AM	#32 (permalink)
Kimberly Jetgirls Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Garland (Dallas Area) TX Posts: 282 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: How would you feel? Wow! No this is not normal. You and your BF should be able to sit down and talk about these things. Even if it is to say, ' I'm not sure where things are going, or how I feel about more kids'. But if you have been together for a year, it is time to start aksing some of these questions of each other. I think communication is SO important, and it means something to be able to be open and transparent with each other.. for no other reason than being able to learn who each other are beneath the surface. To me that is the beautiful thing about relationships. To be able to look at someone and say " I know who he is, what he wants, and what his hopes and dreams are." ... and at least have an idea as to how you fit into the picture.... to a certain degree. __________________

03-01-2006, 01:40 PM	#33 (permalink)
Kristie Admin/Owner Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Scottsdale, Arizona Posts: 6,729 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 18 Times in 18 Posts	Re: How would you feel? yeah, but sometimes it takes time to establish all of that information and decide whether the path is right or not... a year is not nearly long enough to get "everything" established.. even 2 years, IMO isn't long enough...I have to say that at least 3 years is good bonding time. it's good to have all the wrinkles worked out and be "working" as a single unit before getting married. truth be known, i still don't know my husband 100% and am learning new things everyday! I have to admit that if he was that easy to figure out, i'd get bored quick! haha I can totally relate to where Pilot Princess is right now because I used to be exactly where she was a good 12 years ago... for the first 3 (maybe even 4) years, i'd say.. i was NOT the main priority..establishing his career was.. it took a bit of a mental change for me to accept that establishing my career (as well) and myself was more important than establishing marriage and family. once you get the careers established, then you can afford a family both financially and mentally. but that's not how it is in all cases.... Pilot Princess's BF sounds like my DH...let me know if i'm wrong PP...he wants to get established before making any future "permanent" commitments right? so, if he puts all of his might into the career and holds you at arms length, it's because he's trying to get that accomplished so when that's done - he can fully concentrate on the relationship you two have and in building it... now, that doesn't mean your not in a relationship and that there aren't "relationship" responsibilities.. he has to understand that your just as important as the career and that things he/you do can undermine that growing process...but in order to compromise with him, he needs to feel that it's ok with you that he work as hard as he can, as fast as he can to get fully established and get the seniority number up to the right spot where he can finally settle down - with you...kwim? I can say, for me, it was a huge learning curve...there were many times that dh had to explain over and over again WHY we were doing it this way - there was lots of crying on my part...I learned a ton about patience...but after he made it to the majors and had high enough seniority to not have to sit reserve, he did what he said he was gonna do and said "now, i can move on to the most important thing in my life" which was me and that hasn't changed since... but.. during these trying times where your learning curve is all over the freekin place...you need to make sure that your communicating and that he's communicating even if it's to constantly vent and reaffirm the process...if your having communication problems at this stage - treat it as a red flag and make sure you work out every bit of it...create your own couples therapy session and when he's home once a week, take a night to just do nothing but talk!! doesn't have to be problems.. but just anything really! one things for sure, you do need to sit down and do the 3 month "where are we going.. what do you want out of life" talk!! establish those parameters and see if you both are on the same wavelength! keep in mind that there is pretty much no industry/field out there that is stable.. it's not just the aviation industry.. it's rampant everywhere... __________________ www.jetcareers.com Last edited by Kristie; 03-01-2006 at 01:46 PM.

03-02-2006, 10:06 AM	#34 (permalink)
Lurker Jetgirls Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Hong Kong Posts: 187 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: How would you feel? I can relate PP...my man is previously partnered with children, living in a different country and we've been together for just over a year. I am nearly 34 (he is nearly 41) and I am looking for commitment..I don't want to feel that I am wasting time either and we haven't really had big serious discussions. HOWEVER....I have laid out my 'non negotiables' - marriage and the option of kids.I told him that I don't have time to waste and that whilst my desire to marry and settle down is not his problem, if my non negotiables were something he just didn't see for him (or he had had a vasectomy), I needed to know sooner rather than later as I need to walk if its not going to happen with him. I have a personal deadline of wanting to have something permanent on the cards by 35...or I need to move to another country where I can increase my chances (China is not the best place to find a life partner as an expat female). I deeply love this man but accept that I am responsible for my own happiness and must do what it takes to have what I want. Although we haven't gone on to discuss our future formally, I brought up the issue again at Christmas (a 1 year evaluation..well, you do them at work so why not in relationships)...and he assures me that he is still fully aware of what I am looking for and would respect me and what I want for my life enough to tell me if I needed to walk away from him...he asked me not to and we agreed (in view of my ever fast approaching age 35 deadline) to reassess around May when I turn 34. Since then, he has gently enquired further about my thoughts on having/not having children - so I know he is thinking (although I suspect he is not keen on the idea of having any more). Admittedly, he has a lot of family issues to resolve (child custody/support/separation of assets etc) and I know that won't happen overnight...but my non negotiables are just that and are just as valid as his issues. I suggest that as you are at a year, have a bit of an audit...first do it yourself. Be very very honest with what you want and what you need from A relationship (not just this one but period) and then weigh that up with what you have. Its not easy to bring up such issues and address concerns - but it HAS to be done and it has to be done before you get too far down the track....you have a child to consider. I don't know if you have introduced them yet but if he is not going to be around because your life paths/needs/goals are incompatable, you don't want your child to get too attached. Sorry for the long post...PM me if you would like to chat.

03-03-2006, 01:38 PM	#35 (permalink)
biochemtine Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: San Francisco Bay Area Posts: 630 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: How would you feel? WOW!!! Those are really thought out posts. Very good advice in those posts.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)