How would you feel?

[Pilot Princess]

The problem isn't so much that it is co-ed...the problem is more that he is sharing sleeping quarters with females...In my opinion, the females should have their own sleeping quarters, and the males should have their own as well. I think you are asking for trouble and misunderstandings otherwise...

I realize everyone is not there all the time, but for example, this past week, he sat there 5 days with no trips. My only point is that if he really understood my feelings and my uneasiness, he could easily move to a different bed, or bunk up with a male. The option is there.

[trigeek]

You beat me to the post, so some of my past post is already null and void to this conversation. =)

In that situation (with all the bedding options!) I'd have to agree with you Princess. If there is an easy option for a guy only bunk or room then he should switch. Even if he thinks it is a compromise to his precious sleep (snoring), he shouldn't compromise your comfort level.

And why the heck is he staying there for 5 days with no trips?

[MQAAord]

Here's an easy fix for other people's snoring: Earplugs.

"But then I can't hear the alarm" is normally the first thing they say to that.

To which I say: Vibrating alarm bay-bee. I used one for years. It was my pager, and it had a vibrate option for both the page alert and the alarm. So, if scheduling was calling, it vibrated. If the alarm went of, it vibrated. Use an elastic terry cloth wrist band (like what volleyball players use) to strap it to your wrist. Works like a charm. Works for cell phones too. Though it scares the crap out of you the first few times you use it.

[MQAAord]

In regards to the general situation: Again, it all comes down to the individuals. If he is uncomfortable with the people he's sharing the space with, then a change needs to be made. If you're uncomfortable with it, let him know about it, and try to talk calmly about it. Specifically what you're concerned about, and specifically what you want him to do about it.

I think my crash pad rent in 2002 in Kew Gardens NY was $350.00 a month. Crash pads are expensive, and usually, you get what you pay for. A little more money can = a much nicer place. There were total dives that were available for $150 a month, but ewwwwww.

Total commuting price: it cost me well over $450 a month for the honor and privilge of commuting to LGA/JFK to work. That's including food, commuter parking, crash pad, and van/car service in NY. It sucked monkey balls, the commute from IND-LGA was horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[trigeek]

Originally Posted by MQAAord

If you're uncomfortable with it, let him know about it, and try to talk calmly about it. Specifically what you're concerned about, and specifically what you want him to do about it.

I second MQAAord! I didn't mean to make my last post sound like fightin' words. I'm always surprised how presentation effects the stress level and the outcome of a discussion.

In my case, DH reacts defiant if we fight. Whereas if we discuss calmly and openly (usually requires a few beers for me) he will seriously consider my opinion. Okay, I'm leaving the house now (beautiful day outside), I'll check in later.

[ATP]

Yes, communication is a must. You have to decided as a couple what would make both of you feel comfortable.

My boyfriend just got an apartment in San Juan with two people from his training class - a guy and a gal. They each have their own bedroom so it is ok with me. I am glad that he checked with me to make sure I didn't mind.... Now if he was sharing a room with a woman, I definitely would not be comfortable with that.

Good luck sorting it all out.

[Pilot Princess]

In the email I wrote him, I explained my reasons for being uncomfortable with it, and why, and then calmly said this:

You know, all along, you have told me that you choose not to do certain things because you don't want there to be any misunderstandings, or have anything ever be brought into question. You have told me that one of your relationships you had ended over "misunderstandings." You have said that you respect me and this relationship. Of all or any possible things that could bring about a misunderstanding, don't you agree that this would be something that could play a huge factor? So when you told me this (the sleeping arrangement), I was a little put off because I thought you of all people would see where the very thing you don't want to happen, very easily could...misunderstanding.

He thought it was about trust, so I tried to clear it up...Last night (he just got home last night after being there for 5 days) he read the email and said everything in the email was true. But nothing has been talked about what he is going to do...I am going to try to talk to him tonight.

As all you ladies know, being in a relationship with anyone is this industry is hard enough as it is. You have the rumors and perceptions in society in relation to pilot/FA affairs, you have to have a HUGE amount of trust, believing that what he tells you about his life is true and having nothing else to go on, and you have to have a relationship unlike the "traditional" relationship.

That being said, I just don't want to have any extra stress on this relationship than there already is. And for me, this issue is causing unnecessary stress on the relationship...

Any more input is gladly accepted...I will keep you updated

[lucky81698]

Hi I sent you a PM. Maybe the info in it will help!

[Bigsweetie]

Originally Posted by MQAAord

I just remembered, the crash pad I had in LGA when I was based there was co-ed. We had a boys room and a girls room, with no hot bunking.

For those who say it's 'respect', does that mean that I didn't have 'respect' somehow for my husband? I guess I'm not understanding the respect thing in regards to just sharing a crashpad. I have, and have always had, respect for my husband. In fact, having a crash pad showed respect because it kept me from spending a LOT of money on hotels in NY.

Maybe I just have a different view of the situation because I've actually lived the 'crash pad' scene myself.

I think what they're referring to is respect for the spouses uneasiness about it. If one partner isn't comfortable with the idea, for whatever reason, I think the pilot (or FA, whatever) should respect that and not do it.

I think you were perfectly right to get a crashpad... even a co-ed one because your DH didn't have a problem with it.

If my DH went out and got one, knowing that I didn't like the idea (due to our past), then that would be disrespectful IMO.

And I don't think all pilots wives who don't like the idea are worried about FA's. From some of the stories i've heard, pilots meet people all over the place (bars, hotels, malls, etc.).

If they're gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. Whether they're a banker, a pilot, or a trash collector. The difference is that with a pilot or truck driver, or traveling salesman, etc. there's ALOT of room for secrecy. There has to be alot of trust in a marriage to one of those people. And DH and I are working on it, but it doesn't happen overnight. And honestly, when trust has been broken, it very rarely returns to what it was before. At least in my case.

[Kristie]

I agree...if you have any doubts at all, it's really best to sit down, talk about it and see if there's a compromise or another solution. As long as everyone is comfortable, there won't be any problems!

I don't remember much about doug's crashpad experiences.. he didn't do that for long before he got his own apt in MKE. But if i do remember, he did choose all male crashpads simply because dealing with the females was just "too much" as far as whining, complaining and tricksy tactics he'd hear about from his buddies... some who were single, i remember him saying, took advantage...most didn't want anything to do with it.