It's been a while...

[amg29]

Hi everyone!
I know, I know....haven't made any new posts for awhile, but wanted to see how everyone is doing!
I just finished a month-long summer class in Economics (received an AB!!!) so was studying away...but, it doesn't stop 'cause now I'm taking Statistics for 6 weeks! AAAHHH!!!!
BUT, the good news is after this, I will be taking nonstop nursing classes for my degree and will finish in 2006. Yea!
Ok, so that's the update on me.....
Hans is doing well, and is on reserve at his new base in Dulles, Va. He is so excited and happy too!

And, I know I've talked about this before when he was in training, but gosh, it's becoming so tough with him on reserve. We have not seen each other for 3 weeks now and have had multiple "what should we do" or "where is our relationship going" type talks. It's very stressful considering both of our situations.

I've found out now that he has two days off before the end of the month, but he isn't sure if he wants to visit since I'm in school in the mornings. It really hurts to hear that, and wonder if he would think that way if we were just first dating???

We've been together for almost 2 and 1/2 years...it's been tough, but lately....much like the other post...I feel like he's NEVER here. How can you build a relationship when you don't ever see eachother??

I took all of your kind advice, and we have called and e-mailed eachother. But, sometimes Hans is too tired and "forgets" to call. Or, he's so busy I feel like I am second when it comes to what is important to him (it seems like airplanes are No.1).
I've talked to him about all of this, and we are both struggling in what to do and think because we've never been in a long-distance relationship before!!!!
I love Hans, but I am beginning to wonder if we can make it work for a lifetime. We have talked about getting married after I am done with school, but lately that seems so far away and we are both having some serious doubts.
Anyway, just wanted to get some responses from people who have been through this. I just don't want to make a mistake either way.

Thanks so much for being so kind and for having this forum also. You have no idea how much it means to me to be able to "talk" to people who understand. I appreciate it!
Take care,
Andrea [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[fly-girl]

Hi Andrea,

You sound like you have been very busy lately! I hope all is well up in Wisconsin. I am going up to Osh Kosh for a wedding in August and it will be my first visit there so I'm looking forward to it. I may not have as much wisdom to offer as some of the other ladies in this forum but I must say that I think sitting reserve is one of the most difficult times to get through in a relationship, especially if your boyfriend has to commute to reserve--that makes it even harder.

I had some of the same feelings you are going through when my df left for training. We had only been dating for about 8 months at the time and we didn't know about his travel benefits yet so when he moved to Houston and I was in school in KY, I had absolutely no clue when we were going to see each other again, not to mention what was going to happen to us. It was difficult to get through but as long as you two trust each other it isn't as bad.

As far as wondering if you can make the relationship work for a lifetime, all I can say is that it will get better. I know you've probably heard that a million times (I still hear it all the time) He won't sit reserve forever and his schedules will continue to improve. My relationship with my df was difficult when he was on reserve because things always seemed so out of control. sometimes he would think he would be able to come home one night and then scheduling would call and he would have to do a trip that wouldn't get him back in time to get to come home. I like to think that I have gotten better at adjusting to this life style but really I think it is because his schedule has improved that I am able to handle things better.

I also used to feel the same way you do about how can you build a relationship when you are never together and I'm not sure exactly how I dealt with it. I think it just eventually becomes easier with time. I wish I had a better answer for you.

A long distance relationship is very hard--but it does help you to appreciate the time that you do get to spend together. I was always so jealous of my friends whose boyfriends lived in the same city and they could see each other whenever they wanted. I don't mean to be harsh when I say this but it sounds like Hans may be taking you for granted a little. I apologize if I am off base with that.

Hope things get better. at least you two are talking about it and you aren't keeping it bottled up inside and pretending to be happy.

[Kristie]

Hey Andrea! glad you stopped by to check in!! Good luck with your classes!!

I can ditto flygirl in that reserve and the early stages of commercial flying are really NO FUN for us women.. especially when it's long distance...

Doug and I did the long distance thing for over 2 years and the first thing you have to do is stop looking too far forward... slow down on the marriage talk for now and concentrate more on one day at a time instead... looking forward and starting the "what if" situations along with the "what should we do" situations really don't help in the long run when you know there really isnt much you can do - at this moment....

keep in mind that Hans wants to concentrate on you.. but schedules and flying are taking presidence since he's on reserve... it's going to be a given that you continue to get the "i'm second in his life" feeling because essentially - that is probably what is happening.. and here's why (just to give you an example)...

when doug and I were dating and he was flying regional or majors & on reserve/crappy schedule, I always felt like his flying came first and I came in dead last... and there were a few times, when we argued (or I argued) that he would bluntly say to me "right now, flying is my number 1 priority until i get into the major's and get a stable schedule.. once that's accomplished, you'll be my number 1 for as long as you want" and that's just how it was.. i had to understand that he was concentrating on getting into the majors, getting a stable schedule so we, as a couple, could continue life at a normal pace with some stability... working in the regionals and being on reserves really gives absolutely zero stability and you always feel like your life is constantly changing.. it sounds like that's where you at now.. it's constantly changing, you want him to sh*t or get off the pot (can't tell you how many times I told doug to do just that), he wants to get to a point of comfort with his career and it's just NOT happening fast enough... '

it's definately an uncomfortable time and that's when you need to step back and say to yourself "ok.... today's a good day.. i'll go with that and we'll take a look at tomorrow - tomorrow". with that method, it'll be a bit easier on you emotionally and you'll be able to handle things a little bit better.

flygirl's right - it will get better.. it takes time, a lot of YOUR patience and some MAJOR trust to make it work... but if you know what you want - then there's no point in letting it go unless you know you don't want it..KWIM?

I can tell you (from what i'm gathering) that Hans needs to try a little harder to meet you half way...I know doug would try to come and visit me when he could.. but he would only do that if he knew he and I could get some QUALITY time... it's not the quantity time you want and guaranteed that right now - you won't get that... so it may be that Hans doesn't want to come over for the 2 days he has off (since your in school half the day) because he won't be able to get the quality time.. BUT... he needs to understand that your relationship needs whatever QUANTITY time it can get and that he needs to work on his end of the relationship as much as possible when the airlines afford him time. Personally, I think he should do everything in his power to come over and visit you for whatever time he can get with you...if he wants the relationship to work via long distance.

There were a lot of times that when doug didn't come to visit, he'd send a card with a photo inside.. or we'd talk for hours via chatboard...

but nonetheless - stop trying to see too far forward and just try to get thru the day and see how it goes! it'll take some of the added stress off! it's not easy.. but if you both want it BAD, it CAN be done! Feel free to talk AS MUCH as you need to! talking, venting, asking questions or getting ideas to spice things up while via LDR can help during the really bad days!

oh and one other thing... while he's concentrating on the flying thing.. you should concentrate on getting that degree and having fun yourself...enjoy this time for you and give yourself some treats along the way! this is the time to get stuff done for you while he's working on him!!

hope this helps some! Keep us updated and let us know how it's going!! [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[amg29]

Thanks fly-girl and Kristie for your quick and most kind messages. I do feel a bit better about things, and will take your advice. I plan to take it one day at a time. You're right, marriage is something we can definitely consider, just not now.
I talked to Hans last night, and he decided to come visit even if it's for 1 day! Am so excited. That makes me feel a bit better. Now I just have to finish my homework so we can have fun on Monday!
Thanks again for everything. It helps just being able to talk about it with people who understand!
Hope you have a great weekend everybody!
-Andrea [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[MQAAord]

Basically you're in the hardest part of a long-time relationship with a pilot, the begining! The junior schedules, sucky pay, and always looking for that 'next step' in the pilot career is tough.

Bill refused to even discuss the big 'M' while we were both at Eagle, when he was TWA he didn't feel 'secure' enough (with the financial instability TWA was undergoing in their last days), then when he was new at Delta it was "well, I'm still on new-hire pay" blah, blah, blah. Finally he got off his duff and we got married, but it was not an easy road. We broke up for a time because I wanted him to 'make up his mind what he wanted from me'. But he came back to me, and we've been together ever since. It'll be nine years next month since we met, I can't belive it's been that long!

I didn't have nearly as difficult a time with his screwy schedule as most s/o's of pilots do, because I am intimatly aware of how the system works. (Having been there done that myself for 7 years.) Just roll with it, enjoy the times you're together, and when you're not, fulfill yourself in other ways, don't sit around being a home-body.

A hint though, when a pilot first gets home from a trip, give him a little 'chill' time. They need time to decompress and relax before they face a Honey-Do list or a dissertation of the many places the cat has hacked up hairballs since he's been gone. The first thing I used to when I'd get back from a trip was get that damned uniform off, there's no better feeling than throwing that smelly pile of polyester across the room and climbing into a nice sweatshirt!

[Bigsweetie]

Hi Andrea!!
I can totally relate to your situation. My DH works for Shuttle too and was on reserve for the first three months! It sucked!! We also did the long distance thing when we were dating. It was really rough at times and I also asked myself whether or not it was worth the effort and heartache (at times). But I decided that he IS worth it, but be prepared that you, in fact, are second right now.

I think it's hard for people who are not in this industry to understand how a job can be so important to someone. I myself don't really understand it either, I just accept it. I will tell you though, the more supportive you are of what they're doing, the farther you get up the priority list. Pilots find nothing more attractive than a supportive girlfriend, which i'm sure is why he's with you. It's sounds like you've been very supportive and patient. I know how hard that can be to keep up. But keep trying. IT WILL GET BETTER.

Congrats on his captain upgrade! I hope my DH is able to get his soon (fingers crossed).