Fustrated

Skygirl · 11-16-2004, 05:02 PM

I remember a thread about relationship boundaries (ie is it ok for male and female co-workers to have dinner, movies, et al during trips). Well, my mouse issue has taken a back seat to my BF issue. I expressed a concern about one of his lady friends and said that it was okay by me as long as he is open and discusses their relationship (ie I know about whats happening between them (not a play by play run down of their time together, more like 'oh, i'm having lunch with her'). Its just my insecurities coming to the surface. My issue is that my BF is not holding up his end of the deal. Im certain (as I can be at this point) that nothing indecent has happened between them, so I feel foolish about calling it quits over something like this, but on the other hand I dont like his blatant disrespect for my feelings. What am I supposed to do?

PS I hope this makes sense, Im just really fustrated at this point. Thanks so much for listening.

skibum515 · 11-16-2004, 06:29 PM

Have you met her? I'd suggest that you guys all hang out together so you can meet her and see that she's not a threat to you, plus it will make you more "real" to her, so any ideas she *might* have had will be harder to carry out once she puts a face with the name.

I would also suggest that you sit down with your SO and say something to the effect of "it really hurts me when you go out with Soandso and don't tell me, because it makes me think you are trying to hide something on purpose." and if he denys trying to hide anything, just say "could you please be more concientious of my feelings and let me know when you are doing something with her?" That way it explains how you're feeling (if i interpreted your post correctly) without being "accusing" and also provides a solution (granted it's one that was already in place, but it doesn't hurt to reinforce it). Hopefully this helps!

Skygirl · 11-16-2004, 07:29 PM

Thats where my issue lies...Ive tried explaining my feelings and when we talk he basically 'yeses' me (or atleast thats how it seems), so at this point I feel like Im pleading and being controlling, which is upsetting. I dont mind if he sees her, Im upset with how hes treating me. Ive said that its unacceptable to disregard my feelings and that we have to find a compromise. He was like 'I dont see why you're so upset and ok, Ill let you know.' We've had the same conversation several times and now I want to be firm that its unacceptable to me. So I dont know how to convey 'unacceptable'.

Since he's not arguing with me, I think Im getting whiny and always saying me me me, which is annoying (even to me, so I can only imagine what he thinks). I thought that people in relationships respected boundaries, so I wouldnt have to feel/act like this. Maybe Im being a clingy girl and need to get over this.

MQAAord · 11-16-2004, 08:04 PM

I can certainly understand your frustration.

So you don't have a problem with the friend, just that he seems to not feels it's necessary to tell you that he's been spending time with her.

Hmm. I've never cared about Bill's friends, as long as he was honest and up front with me.

It seems like he either has something to hide, or he really sees the situation as something so absolutely platonic, he really can not understand what you're worried about.

Maybe you could find a 'friend' of your own to hang out with!

TheWife · 11-16-2004, 08:07 PM

I don't think you should feel clingy and that you need to get over it. I think it's completely legitimate, and if he can't respect this one small issue, how is he going to respect things that are an even bigger deal? There are 2 situations in which I feel like no matter how silly and unreasonable a request is, you honor it out of love and respect, and that's in a marriage (relationship) and as a parent. For example, if I tell my mother in law that my kids are NOT allowed to have pink gum on Tuesdays or after 3 pm, it should not matter why I request that, it should not matter if it makes any sense, and it should not matter if she agrees or not. If she wants my kids, she respects my rules, end of story. (No that is not really a rule of mine, just making a point.)

Same thing in a relationship and especially marriage. If something makes one person uncomfortable, no matter how small or insignificant it is, it doesn't matter. YWhen you love someone, you don't want them to be uncomfortable and uneasy. If he can't do that for you, beat him with a stick full of rusty nails. [img]images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] If it were something like say his punk music really bothers you, and your country music really bothers him, then you find a music you both like or you shut the radio off. If you can't work out a situation that makes you both comfortable (like you get to meet her and he has to be open with you) then the problem needs to be completey removed (in other words, no female friend at all). If he doesn't think you are worth that to him, better you found out now. Sorry if that sounded harsh, I didn't really know how else to put it in a more fluffy way. I do hope you find comfort and peace either way and get it worked out soon so you don't have to be troubled anymore!

Kristie · 11-17-2004, 07:37 AM

[ QUOTE ]
It seems like he either has something to hide, or he really sees the situation as something so absolutely platonic, he really can not understand what you're worried about.

[/ QUOTE ] and maybe that's what the problem is.. maybe it is so platonic that he can't understand what your worried about... have you met her in the past? face to face? i'd suggest just what emily said... hang out a few times with her and your SO, silently watch how they act, try to get the same "platonic" feeling and get comfortable with her... then maybe try hanging out with her on your own and see how it goes?!

I'd definately suggest talking to him again and ask him straight out if maybe that's what the problem is (utterly platonic, no worries).. and tell him that until ya'll hang out some together and get the same platonic happy happy joy joy feeling.. your going to continue to have these feelings... if he says yes to hanging out with her and you at the same time, then make sure you see it through...

if he says no, then that might be a sign of "something else", what, we don't know...

usually, guy friends and girl friends don't mix when it comes to relationships.. but there's no reason not to try! [img]images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Bigsweetie · 11-17-2004, 08:56 AM

I agree with what everyone else has said at this point. I would definitely set a date to meet her and spend time with them both together. If he keeps finding reasons/excuses to get out of it it's a RED FLAG!! I believe that there should be no secrets in a committed relationship.

I think that there could be a number of reasons for this sudden behavior. It could be (as others have stated) that he does see the relationship with her as so platonic that it doesn't warrant telling you. OR he is trying to assert his independence. Maybe he isn't telling you about meeting with her because he doesn't want to feel like he's being controlled. I know alot of men that, when things start getting serious (maybe too serious for them), that they do things that are disrespectful of the relationship in order to make themselves feel independant.

I don't know... I hope this all works out for you. Just be honest with him about it and don't take excuses from him. You deserve honesty in return.

Good Luck.

Tanya

Skygirl · 11-17-2004, 11:17 AM

Thanks everyone. Ive met her and have no issues with her what so ever. My hurt comes from his blatant disregard for my preferences/feelings. I tried to express them nicely (months ago we discussed the topic of girl and guy friends and were in complete agreement). My doubts lie in how he is dealing with the whole situation, not that he wants to have lunch with another female. He is basically acting like he can do whatever, whenever. As Im picking up in some of the responses, it might just be that he has to exert some independence. But why do I feel so badly about this. In one sense, I want to take back all my words as this is not really that big a deal. But now, as things have progressed, Im seeing how he deals with things...basically, his way or the highway. So if something so small is so upsetting, whats going to happen when its really big? Also, at this point, he knows what he did was not ok with me, so if I just ignore it, what does that tell him...that its ok to do whatever he wants. I feel like Im panicing and making a mountain out of a mole hill, but it just is really upsetting to me. Gosh, Im such a girl. How do I turn these hormones off?

Skygirl · 11-17-2004, 11:18 AM

Thanks again...its so nice to have someplace to vent and get some feedback. Have a Happy Wednesday everyone!

TheWife · 11-17-2004, 01:32 PM

[ QUOTE ]
He is basically acting like he can do whatever, whenever. As Im picking up in some of the responses, it might just be that he has to exert some independence.

[/ QUOTE ] That's boys for ya, especially if they have any other guy friends that give them crap like "dude you let your girlfriend tell you what to do?"
[ QUOTE ]
But why do I feel so badly about this.

[/ QUOTE ] Because your instincts are picking up on the fact that he's more concerned about proclaiming his freedom then he is about your comfort. [ QUOTE ]
basically, his way or the highway. So if something so small is so upsetting, whats going to happen when its really big? Also, at this point, he knows what he did was not ok with me, so if I just ignore it, what does that tell him...that its ok to do whatever he wants.

[/ QUOTE ] Yup. Don't hate me for saying so, but grown up boys work the same way that little boys do. They test their limits, and the only way for them to know for sure that you have bounderies is if you are 100% consistant with what you feel and say and do. If you back down and let your feelings be dismissed, it will only be harder the next time. Be firm with your complaint, it needs to be heard and addressed. when my 2 year old wants something and I say no, it will still be no if he asks me 10 more times. If I give on the 11th time, he will know that he can not trust my word. Same thing applies here. If you say it bothers you, or that you just expect to be informed of their activities, and then you say never mind, it's not a big deal, I don't care, etc. then you won't really have a right to come back later and bring it up again when it's still bothering you, because you've dismissed it and made your feelings invalid. Hope that made sense.

11-16-2004, 05:02 PM	#1 (permalink)
Skygirl Jetgirls Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 121 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Fustrated I remember a thread about relationship boundaries (ie is it ok for male and female co-workers to have dinner, movies, et al during trips). Well, my mouse issue has taken a back seat to my BF issue. I expressed a concern about one of his lady friends and said that it was okay by me as long as he is open and discusses their relationship (ie I know about whats happening between them (not a play by play run down of their time together, more like 'oh, i'm having lunch with her'). Its just my insecurities coming to the surface. My issue is that my BF is not holding up his end of the deal. Im certain (as I can be at this point) that nothing indecent has happened between them, so I feel foolish about calling it quits over something like this, but on the other hand I dont like his blatant disrespect for my feelings. What am I supposed to do? PS I hope this makes sense, Im just really fustrated at this point. Thanks so much for listening.

11-16-2004, 06:29 PM	#2 (permalink)
skibum515 Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Park City Posts: 1,249 Recipes: Thanks: 2 Thanked 9 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Fustrated Have you met her? I'd suggest that you guys all hang out together so you can meet her and see that she's not a threat to you, plus it will make you more "real" to her, so any ideas she might have had will be harder to carry out once she puts a face with the name. I would also suggest that you sit down with your SO and say something to the effect of "it really hurts me when you go out with Soandso and don't tell me, because it makes me think you are trying to hide something on purpose." and if he denys trying to hide anything, just say "could you please be more concientious of my feelings and let me know when you are doing something with her?" That way it explains how you're feeling (if i interpreted your post correctly) without being "accusing" and also provides a solution (granted it's one that was already in place, but it doesn't hurt to reinforce it). Hopefully this helps!

11-16-2004, 07:29 PM	#3 (permalink)
Skygirl Jetgirls Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 121 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Fustrated Thats where my issue lies...Ive tried explaining my feelings and when we talk he basically 'yeses' me (or atleast thats how it seems), so at this point I feel like Im pleading and being controlling, which is upsetting. I dont mind if he sees her, Im upset with how hes treating me. Ive said that its unacceptable to disregard my feelings and that we have to find a compromise. He was like 'I dont see why you're so upset and ok, Ill let you know.' We've had the same conversation several times and now I want to be firm that its unacceptable to me. So I dont know how to convey 'unacceptable'. Since he's not arguing with me, I think Im getting whiny and always saying me me me, which is annoying (even to me, so I can only imagine what he thinks). I thought that people in relationships respected boundaries, so I wouldnt have to feel/act like this. Maybe Im being a clingy girl and need to get over this.

11-16-2004, 08:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
MQAAord Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: A Happy Place Posts: 668 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Fustrated I can certainly understand your frustration. So you don't have a problem with the friend, just that he seems to not feels it's necessary to tell you that he's been spending time with her. Hmm. I've never cared about Bill's friends, as long as he was honest and up front with me. It seems like he either has something to hide, or he really sees the situation as something so absolutely platonic, he really can not understand what you're worried about. Maybe you could find a 'friend' of your own to hang out with!

11-16-2004, 08:07 PM	#5 (permalink)
TheWife Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Utah Posts: 1,264 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Fustrated I don't think you should feel clingy and that you need to get over it. I think it's completely legitimate, and if he can't respect this one small issue, how is he going to respect things that are an even bigger deal? There are 2 situations in which I feel like no matter how silly and unreasonable a request is, you honor it out of love and respect, and that's in a marriage (relationship) and as a parent. For example, if I tell my mother in law that my kids are NOT allowed to have pink gum on Tuesdays or after 3 pm, it should not matter why I request that, it should not matter if it makes any sense, and it should not matter if she agrees or not. If she wants my kids, she respects my rules, end of story. (No that is not really a rule of mine, just making a point.) Same thing in a relationship and especially marriage. If something makes one person uncomfortable, no matter how small or insignificant it is, it doesn't matter. YWhen you love someone, you don't want them to be uncomfortable and uneasy. If he can't do that for you, beat him with a stick full of rusty nails. [img]images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] If it were something like say his punk music really bothers you, and your country music really bothers him, then you find a music you both like or you shut the radio off. If you can't work out a situation that makes you both comfortable (like you get to meet her and he has to be open with you) then the problem needs to be completey removed (in other words, no female friend at all). If he doesn't think you are worth that to him, better you found out now. Sorry if that sounded harsh, I didn't really know how else to put it in a more fluffy way. I do hope you find comfort and peace either way and get it worked out soon so you don't have to be troubled anymore!

11-17-2004, 07:37 AM	#6 (permalink)
Kristie Admin/Owner Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Scottsdale, Arizona Posts: 6,631 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 17 Times in 17 Posts	Re: Fustrated [ QUOTE ] It seems like he either has something to hide, or he really sees the situation as something so absolutely platonic, he really can not understand what you're worried about. [/ QUOTE ] and maybe that's what the problem is.. maybe it is so platonic that he can't understand what your worried about... have you met her in the past? face to face? i'd suggest just what emily said... hang out a few times with her and your SO, silently watch how they act, try to get the same "platonic" feeling and get comfortable with her... then maybe try hanging out with her on your own and see how it goes?! I'd definately suggest talking to him again and ask him straight out if maybe that's what the problem is (utterly platonic, no worries).. and tell him that until ya'll hang out some together and get the same platonic happy happy joy joy feeling.. your going to continue to have these feelings... if he says yes to hanging out with her and you at the same time, then make sure you see it through... if he says no, then that might be a sign of "something else", what, we don't know... usually, guy friends and girl friends don't mix when it comes to relationships.. but there's no reason not to try! [img]images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

11-17-2004, 08:56 AM	#7 (permalink)
Bigsweetie Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Clinton Township, Michigan Posts: 1,562 Recipes: Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: Fustrated I agree with what everyone else has said at this point. I would definitely set a date to meet her and spend time with them both together. If he keeps finding reasons/excuses to get out of it it's a RED FLAG!! I believe that there should be no secrets in a committed relationship. I think that there could be a number of reasons for this sudden behavior. It could be (as others have stated) that he does see the relationship with her as so platonic that it doesn't warrant telling you. OR he is trying to assert his independence. Maybe he isn't telling you about meeting with her because he doesn't want to feel like he's being controlled. I know alot of men that, when things start getting serious (maybe too serious for them), that they do things that are disrespectful of the relationship in order to make themselves feel independant. I don't know... I hope this all works out for you. Just be honest with him about it and don't take excuses from him. You deserve honesty in return. Good Luck. Tanya

11-17-2004, 11:17 AM	#8 (permalink)
Skygirl Jetgirls Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 121 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Fustrated Thanks everyone. Ive met her and have no issues with her what so ever. My hurt comes from his blatant disregard for my preferences/feelings. I tried to express them nicely (months ago we discussed the topic of girl and guy friends and were in complete agreement). My doubts lie in how he is dealing with the whole situation, not that he wants to have lunch with another female. He is basically acting like he can do whatever, whenever. As Im picking up in some of the responses, it might just be that he has to exert some independence. But why do I feel so badly about this. In one sense, I want to take back all my words as this is not really that big a deal. But now, as things have progressed, Im seeing how he deals with things...basically, his way or the highway. So if something so small is so upsetting, whats going to happen when its really big? Also, at this point, he knows what he did was not ok with me, so if I just ignore it, what does that tell him...that its ok to do whatever he wants. I feel like Im panicing and making a mountain out of a mole hill, but it just is really upsetting to me. Gosh, Im such a girl. How do I turn these hormones off?

11-17-2004, 11:18 AM	#9 (permalink)
Skygirl Jetgirls Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 121 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Fustrated Thanks again...its so nice to have someplace to vent and get some feedback. Have a Happy Wednesday everyone!

11-17-2004, 01:32 PM	#10 (permalink)
TheWife Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Utah Posts: 1,264 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Fustrated [ QUOTE ] He is basically acting like he can do whatever, whenever. As Im picking up in some of the responses, it might just be that he has to exert some independence. [/ QUOTE ] That's boys for ya, especially if they have any other guy friends that give them crap like "dude you let your girlfriend tell you what to do?" [ QUOTE ] But why do I feel so badly about this. [/ QUOTE ] Because your instincts are picking up on the fact that he's more concerned about proclaiming his freedom then he is about your comfort. [ QUOTE ] basically, his way or the highway. So if something so small is so upsetting, whats going to happen when its really big? Also, at this point, he knows what he did was not ok with me, so if I just ignore it, what does that tell him...that its ok to do whatever he wants. [/ QUOTE ] Yup. Don't hate me for saying so, but grown up boys work the same way that little boys do. They test their limits, and the only way for them to know for sure that you have bounderies is if you are 100% consistant with what you feel and say and do. If you back down and let your feelings be dismissed, it will only be harder the next time. Be firm with your complaint, it needs to be heard and addressed. when my 2 year old wants something and I say no, it will still be no if he asks me 10 more times. If I give on the 11th time, he will know that he can not trust my word. Same thing applies here. If you say it bothers you, or that you just expect to be informed of their activities, and then you say never mind, it's not a big deal, I don't care, etc. then you won't really have a right to come back later and bring it up again when it's still bothering you, because you've dismissed it and made your feelings invalid. Hope that made sense.

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