Can't he just beg me to go?

[kelisaid]

A little background first. BF and I have been dating for almost 6 months now (not that long, but long enough to totally love the heck outta him) We've gone through some terrible things, things I won't mention here just because. But we've come out on top each time. We're always usually great together, and there are times where my 2 year old comes out, and his 2 year old comes out but we're able to get over that. So things are good considering things we've been through. I love him tons and he recipricates, tells me he loves me, always holds my hand, escorts me with his arm, kisses me on the forehead, sings and plays guitar for me... all the mushy stuff we all love. So yeah things are good. background info done. (happy to answer any other questions though)

Ok so my bf lost his job approximately, oh I dunno... 3 months ago? He was working for a small corp. company here in Southern Wisconsin who had a charter division, he was flying a learjet. He finally thought he had it good until BAM, gone. He was pretty devastated and with the way the industry was looking he was pretty hopeless. I was always there though to reassure him that everything would be ok. I don't know what it was but I wanted to be there, it was instinctive and I didn't ever want to leave eventhough the amount of time we spent together was short (he lives an hour away from me so this almost 6 months is sporadic w/ seeing eachother on weekends) At first when he told me he lost his job I was kind of excited cause I thought I'd get to see him more (I KNOW.. totally selfish and shame on me) But then after a day I realized how bad this was for him. Afterall this is his dream and goal, not to mention also his purpose in life. So I supported him in everything he was doing, which was sending out resumes to every company he could.. which also meant every state no matter what state. Eventhough I knew this could possibly mean a move for him it didn't matter because I just want him to be content and happy doing what he loves to do most. We had discussed if things ever got really serious that I would have to be willing to move and I told him that I would love to move somewhere else and get to see things. That was about a month before he was fired and about 2 months into dating. This was all new to me and I wasn't expecting things to turn out like this, but such is life; so anyways.

Resume after Resume sent he would ask things like, aye wanna move to so-and-so and I would be like, yeah! Or yeah I'll move pretty much wherever not just for him but becuase I'm really interested in seeing what the rest of the world is like. So this went on for 3 months but he never really asked me "WILL YOU" it was always do you want to. I confronted him on it a few times and he says he doesn't want to be selfish and that this is a huge decision on my part because I'll be leaving my friends and family. This is all true but I want to see where this relationship goes and I feel very committed to him.

We recently went to Detroit so he could interview with Kalitta Air, he got the job on the spot and I was estatic for him becuase it meant he could fly again. yay! He accepted the position and when we got in the car to head to Chicago he asked if I wanted to move to Detroit, and I was just like, ok yes of course but are you asking me if I WANT TO, of if I WILL. and he was like well first if you want to, and I told him of course and I've told him I want to be with him wherever he goes. And then he said yes I realize this and everyday I want you to come with me more. So he asked if "i will" and i said yes and I hugged him and all that good stuff.

I'm just worried that he may still be on the fence about it. He of course wants me with him, but I think he feels he's being selfish. How do I let him know that its ok to be selfish and to want me there. I just really want to feel wanted before I pack up my things and go... do you know what I mean? I only want to go if he really wants me there.

I think he also doesn't want to be responsible if I'm not happy in Michigan. He's completely logical in his thinking but I just want him to realize that I'm in it to win it. I'm pretty adaptable to any situation and 5 hours away from home isn't that bad.

Thanks for reading!
Keli

[BAC]

Wow, what a big decision you have in front of you! I've been there too, except I had been with my boyfriend for almost two years at that point. My move was from Michigan to Indianapolis, 4 and a half hours.. It was still very difficult because I was leaving all of my family and friends.

I know there are some other ladies here who have a husband working for Kalletta (forgive my spelling) but I believe your boyfriends schedule could leave you alone in Metro Detroit fora few weeks at a time. You have to decide if that is something you want to deal with or not at this point in your relationship. I am not telling you this to make you not want to go, but to just let you know in case you didn't.

I think the fact he is asking you at all says a lot about his intentions. My boyfriend too had a little guilt taking me away from "home" but it so far has been one of the better changes in my life.

I know the Ypsi/Belleville/Ann Arbor area quite well if you need any info..

[kelisaid]

He will be 2 weeks on, 1 week off... atleast I believe that's how it will go. I understand the decision I'm making, and I'm all for it, I just want him to believe that.

[spotty4]

Hi Keli, your concerns are totally valid and natural. When my husband moved down to FL for flight school he packed up himself and his then girlfriend (ironically she was from WI) and they moved together from IND. In both of their minds that was a huge step in their relationship and it felt "right." But not too long into their stay in FL their relationship suffered. My husband just felt awful! He was the one growing apart from her and he felt incredibly guilty for dragging her w/ him to achieve his dream. But he had to keep reminding himself that she was a willing participant. If she really did not want to go, she would not have.

Perhaps you just need to keep reminding your bf that the move really is something you want to do, even if you sound like a broken record. My best advice to you though is to make sure once you move you are still completely self-sufficient. If it truly is selfishness and guilt that are holding back your bf, if you demonstrate that at this point in your relationship you are still in control of your own destiny, perhaps he will feel less responsible for your well-being in a new place away from friends and family.

[kelisaid]

Those are really good points. Thanks for your reply

I'm trying to get myself started in some freelance design stuff so hopefully he'll see that as my self sufficiency

[Hokuspocus]

About 6 months after dh and I met he was going to upgrade and was going to go to Houston for upgrade and reserve. I went down with him twice and found a job, I did at the begininng keep everything seperate though...I had my own place paid for everything myself and after being there for a year we got engaged(sp?) and the rest is history. Though I don't ever remember dh saying at the time Will you go with me? I remember thinking when he was telling me when his upgrade class was that if I thought our relationship was going to go somewhere I needed to move down there and I'm glad I did! Good Luck and I hope it works for you!

[Bigsweetie]

Hi!!

My DH works at your BF's "sister company" Kalitta Charters II (Owned by Doug Kalitta, not Connie Kalitta). Congrats on his job at Kalitta Air - it's a decent gig. Two weeks on, one off isn't too bad. My DH is gone for 18 days, home 12.

As for your situation, i'd just explain to your BF that you're in for the ride and if you go out there, it's for the adventure of a new city and you're not trying to put any pressure on him.

Ask him outright... "Do you want me to move to Detroit?" If he says yes, then go. Don't worry about what he may/may not be thinking and not saying. Most guys are pretty point blank. It's us women that are cryptic (LOL!). Take him at his word, and see what happens.

If you need info on decent places to live, etc. let me know. There are a few of us here that live in MI. I have to be honest though, with MI's economy I can't understand why anyone would want to live here! LOL!

[kelisaid]

Well hi!

Yes he's already said in his heart he wants me there and that he wants to take me with him, so I know his intentions. I just don't like grey areas and I want it out there, straightforward. But I guess I gotta give him some slack, after all this is my life too and I can make this decision on my own.

I'm currently looking for jobs and have submitted a million of them, I hope one pops up. What do you do there?

[Bigsweetie]

I'm a stay-at-home mom. Good luck with the job search... we have one of higher unemployement rates in the country right now. What field are you in?

[kelisaid]

I'm just looking for a receptionist gig for now so i can finish getting my assoc. in graphic design and then prob get my bachelors. So we'll see. I'm about ready to shell out the big bucks for an online education through AIO