someone please tell me this gets better

[katierose0324]

So, recently (recently as in the last two weeks) is the first time that he's been out holding a line, and I HATE it. I'm not usually this clingy, but I'm not handling this well at all. I vacillate between thinking this is going to be ok, and freaking out because the next years of my life are going to be spent alone at home waiting for him to get back.

I want to be supportive of his job, because he loves it, but the utterly selfish part of me hates it and wishes he had a desk job so we didn't have to struggle through this part of our relationship. I can't even hear him talk about it, because I'm so disgusted that some flight attendant gets to spend more time with him than I do. For instance, today he gets to go to a beer festival on his layover, and I have to go to work. This made me cry, and I'm so upset with myself for it.

Anyway, he keeps telling me that this will get better, but I could stand to hear it from some ladies who have gone through the same thing. If you don't mind, how did you pull through this stage of the game? I could use some tips.

[BAC]

First off, you are not the only person to have gone through this same thing and IT DOES GET BETTER.

I remember going back and forth a few months into my relationship wondering if I really could handle it or not. The fact is, your boyfriend loves his job and the only way he can do his job is to be away for 3 to 4 days a week. When it comes to aviation, it's very difficult to not have a schedule like this.

You will get used to it, trust me. Here is how I survived and got used to (and actually happy,) being with a pilot: You just have to keep yourself busy with YOUR life, because unfortunately with your significant other having this career, you will need to have two seperate lives.. The life you have by yourself (things you like to do, your hobbies, your books/movies, and your friends). The other with him of course. He will happier if you are more happier with this new schedule.

And a few other thoughts that might help you...

Chances are, he will be at the "beer festival" and think it would be a lot better with you.

Also, You need to think of the flight attendants your boyfriend flies with like co-workers and not like blind dates. Think of some of your male co-workers.. you probably would never be romantically interested in any of them. Same for him.

Hope some of this helps.

[christykay]

I will tell you that it gets better if that is what you want to hear.

...However...the truth is...this industry is a constant source of change and once you think you've got it all figured out, something happens, situations change and you've got to figure it out all over again. It's an unfortunate reality in this industry really. From our own experience the ONLY thing that we (the pilot and his family), have control over is our attitude. Sure you could find plenty of reasons to be upset and frustrated (especially in this industry!), but what really are you going to gain from that state of mind?

So to answer your question- "how do you pull through this stage of the game?" Change your attitude.

Sure, someday it will get better- could be 2 years from now, heck it could be 12 years from now. The way I see it- I have a lot of living in that time frame that I would hate to wish away to get to the "someday". So my advice: enjoy your flight in this chaotic industry and be prepared- there will definitely be turbulence along the way.

[AnnaRose]

Hey there,
I know its tough. I have been with my pilot for 2 years and still find it difficult when he is away sometimes. Usually the first day is the toughest for me. Especially when he leaves on my weekends off.

I have been at work quite a few times when the BF was on an overnight in Vegas or Atlantic City gambling or hanging at the beach. Dealing with the whole FA thing can be a little annoying, but he is committed to you and you have to trust him if it will work. And I bet a lot of those FA's probably have boyfriends/husbands as well (or they may be gay).

This is the thing I have found...if your not super happy in your career it is going to be harder for you because you tend to look at his career as 'exciting' and your career as 'work'. Its good to keep busy, but I am working on feeling good without having to go out or fill up my time with activities. Thats tiring too! All in all, this is the job. He will go to different places. Sometimes he'll have enough time to go out and experience these places and most the time he won't. Try and find a career that truly makes you happy whether its being a SAHM or a lawyer. And get out there and travel a little. Go on a trip or two with him and see what its like. It really can put things into persepctive.

I have realized that dating a pilot is not just dating a guy, its dating a whole different lifestyle, and its a tough adjustment if your not used to the industry (i was/am not used to it). But, I love my pilot and think he is the greatest guy I have ever met, and I would be much more miserable without him...

[Amanda]

I'll chime in and tell you it does get better (and mean it!). Of course "better" is relative to each situation.

Nick was a flight instructor making $15k/yr when I met him in 2002. He would fly at all hours of the day 7 days a week. In 2003 he was hired at a regional, Mesa. They didn't pay him much more and his bases changed a bunch of times. He got crashpads (actually apartments) which cost him more money and we didn't see each other as much as I wanted. For the last year at Mesa he was living in VA (flying out of IAD) and I stayed in PHX. I only saw him a few days a month. In 2007 when he got hired at CAL and he got based in EWR we decided that it was time for me to move back t the East Coast and here I am. I transferred to my company's headquarters and got a promotion, and I am close to old friends and my family. Nick is making more money and his schedules are a lot better. To be honest I'm still not used to seeing him so much!

I want to comment on one thing you mentioned:
"I vacillate between thinking this is going to be ok, and freaking out because the next years of my life are going to be spent alone at home waiting for him to get back."
Be careful about 'losing yourself' and becoming needy. When I met Nick I was an outgoing, independent, free spirited person and there was a point in our relationship that I just lived for him. I stopped enjoying my hobbies, going out with friends, etc. Our relationship went to a 'bad place'. Thankfully I got a grip on things and realized that I can't live just for him and wait for his next visit or phone call. I started to be "me" again and our relationship got back on track.

Sorry this is so long!
Good luck!

[the_woman_99]

There are times when it is really hard but you need to remember the reasons you are with him. You need to stay strong and try to not focus on the bad things.
I moved to PA so that me and my SO could be together again and it has been hard because I miss my family a ton...but I wouldn't change anything. Me and my SO are happier then ever. We went months without seeing each other. I am still trying to get used to seeing him so much. I for sure love my nights when I get to sleep in the middle of the bed because he is gone but I also love it when he is home

Good Luck with everything and just remember why you fell in love with him!

[h0t4jel]

I understand where you are completely. I know when he got stuck in the Bahamas for three days it was hard but I know that most of all he is wondering how I am doing and is very sad to go alot of the time.
If there were FA's involved I would worry alot more but there isnt really. As his airline is private. Small planes etc.
If there were, I would feel possibly alot differently.
But he calls alot and is very reassuring

What he would lose if he would betray trust with me and us, would be enormous compared to what he would gain.
and belieeevee me the truth ALWAYS comes out.

They never do away what they have already done or plan to do in their own back yard, believe me, its nothing new under the sun.

Just be "aware" and don't be afraid to say you need some reasurance without completely losing your sh*t. There is a way to come off as very secure and respectfully confronting and there is a way to sound like a crazy jealous person.

The former gets you MUCH farther....!

[ASLhands]

For me, it has gotten better. Maybe a mix of better and I have gotten used to the lifestyle. I had a hard time to begin as well. I had 8 years of being with him everyday- not spending more than a day away from eachother and then he got this job. I remember thinking that the fact that he wouldn't be around as much was awful! I had a lot to figure out and get used to in the beginning. Keep yourself busy. Find something you love that you can do without him. That has helped me a lot. Also, it is nice when he is home because he is THERE. I mean that he has nothing to really worry about except me and the dog. The time we spend together is not taken for granted. This past weekend he was home for the first weekend in a loooong time. We had a GREAT weekend. It was so nice to spend quality time with him.

So, I am not sure if things got better or my perspective shifted in a way that made me decide to make lemonade out of lemons. It's really up to you. Good luck.

[katierose0324]

Thanks girls, I feel a lot better than I did yesterday. I guess I just have bad days. I'm trying to throw myself into my work and take the dogs on more walks, I guess. I still can't WAIT for him to get home.

Anyway, I know I'm new but it really helps to talk to other girls who are living the same lifestyle. Thanks!

[Chi829]

A very good friend of mine told me 4 years ago when DH started flying to think of this in comparison to a pie. She told me to always remember that Bill is only a "piece" of that pie,, he is to never be the "whole" pie. Thats going along with the whole "waiting around for him to come home"statement. I will be totally upfront with you,, when Bill first started flying, I cried eachtime he left and felt like I stopped living my life the whole time he was gone. That lasted a whole year for me almost. Then I realized what in the HE** am I doing? I am my own person with my own interests and hobbies. Things are sooooo much better now,,, even though he is on reserve and gone a lot more than when he wa holding a senior line. I just kind of got used to when he had to be gone. WHen people told me it got better, I didnt beleive it, cause it sucked so bad at the time, how could I possibly get thru the times that he was gone. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep and I spent a lot of time crying. It was awful. But guess what? Here I am now, 4 mnths pregant, three years into our marriage and I am soooo very proud to be married to my pilot. He is the hardest working man (not only at being a pilot) that Ive ever met. He loves his job and I love that he loves his job. Okay, he doesnt always love it,, maybe I should say he loves "flying". THere were times in the past that I wished he would get fired. I hope you hang in here with us cause I am willing to bet anything that in a couple of years, it will be YOU giving someone else this very same advice. You can do it,, we know you can. DOnt loose sight of who "you" are, your boyfriend will admire that especially after he sees those flight attendants that he flies with that arent half as pretty as you are!