Am I just unreasonable? - Page 3

Bigsweetie · 03-10-2008, 08:52 PM

Caitie, i'm glad that you'll be able to work it out so that you can go to the party. I just hope you two have a serious talk about respecting each others feelings.

Just because he thinks you SHOULDN'T feel uncomfortable about his relationship with "Mel" doesn't mean that he should blow your feelings aside.

No, you can't and shouldn't try to control him... and I don't control my husband. But if I feel uncomfortable about something, that's the end of it (if we talk about it, and my feelings still aren't eased). You are entitled to how you feel.

If the roles were reversed, would you drop a friend for him? In my case, no question. If my Dh was uncomfortable about any of my friendships, we'd talk about what makes him uncomfortable, but if that isn't enough, then sorry but "bye-bye friend". My husbands feelings are important to me... I've made my life with him.

Anyone in a serious relationship or married who has the attitude of "You can't control me or tell me what to do", IMO is missing the point of what love is about. He may see your actions as trying to "control" him, but I don't think that's your intention. You're voicing your uneasiness and he's not acknowledging it or trying to make your relationship the priority. Part of being in a commited relationship is making each other the priority and also realizing that your actions have an effect on the other person and their feelings about those actions should be taken seriously.

If I was uneasy about something DH was doing, I would hate to think that I couldn't talk to him about it for fear of him thinking i'm trying to "control" him. And it would hurt even worse if my feelings were not as important as a ridiculous birthday party. IMO, he should have at least not gone to the party and tried to work this issue out with you first. Then, if you're comfortable with it, resume his friendship with Mel.

Just promise me that you won't shove your feelings under the rug for fear of being a "bitchy" or "controling" girlfriend. You love him, right? Be honest (as I can see you have) and make sure that the importance you place on the relationship is returned.

You would hate to be married, with kids, and have him off hanging out with "Mel" while you sit home with the kids all night. Then have him come home and say "you can't control me!!!". Relationships and marriage is a partnership. You're responsible for each others heart... that's not something to take lightly.

If two people owned a business together and one business partner said "I don't like that vendor" and the other one said "Well, too bad, I already hired them and signed the contract", how long do you think that business would last?

COMPROMISE is the key here!!! But you already know that!

Hugs to you sweetie! And I hope you have a nice time at the party!! Make sure you look hot, hot, hot, and hang all over him. LOL!

Kristie · 03-10-2008, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BAC

I would be a pissed too... and concerned that this could set a pattern for the future. You mentioned that he is over 1,000 miles away and I am assuming that she lives in the same area as him? And that you don't see each other on a regular basis and one weekend you requested to see him he says he is busy with her birthday?? Egh. Those are kind of some red flags. If he goes on like this, you may need to talk about what you both want and make sure you are both on the same page...

You can't really tell a person what to do, ever. Married or not. But I don't necessarily agree with the "you're only dating so the boundaries are different". True, you can break up without the load of paperwork and jewelry, but a relationship is more than paperwork and jewelry, it's a commitment and the boundaries that you both agree upon. So if you both agree to not see other people while in your relationship, then that's your agreement and it should be respected by both parties.

I agree with that....I probably should have included some "exclusivity" statement in the remark...if you're exclusive, then it is one step higher than "just" dating iykwim....the rules change as you go along...

Sorry about the clarity in the "dating" term.

Kristie · 03-11-2008, 12:00 AM

OH btw... i think it's a GREAT idea to invite yourself along...I think all you have to do is be there, look yourself and be yourself because that's essentially what HE likes and why HE'S with you.

All you have to do is say "can i come too" and if he hesitates......

scissorhands · 03-11-2008, 09:21 AM

See I would go with him to the party LOL. I would show my face...... It is important to respect each others feelings some men are retarded and have to be walked through stuff. Gotta stand your ground if he wont accomodate you now he wont in marrage....

BAC · 03-11-2008, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristie

I agree with that....I probably should have included some "exclusivity" statement in the remark...if you're exclusive, then it is one step higher than "just" dating iykwim....the rules change as you go along...

Sorry about the clarity in the "dating" term.

Yeah, if I had just started dating somebody and after our 2nd date he said he was going to his friend's (who is a girl) party and I said, "No, you're not." then I assume he would run for the hills.

katbuad · 03-11-2008, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FilleBelle

I I haven't figured out how to handle the inviting myself thing yet, though. I feel strange saying, "I'm coming to the party of this person I don't know and don't want to know even though no one has invited me." I'm working up to it, lol.

People who invite people that are in committed relationships usually expect the significant other to show up too. Unless it is a sit down dinner event, surely she doesn't need the head count to be perfect.

I think skibum's wording suggestion was great.

You are the GIRLFRIEND. Step up. Get in there. Make sure your presence is known.

spotty4 · 03-11-2008, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristie

All you have to do is say "can i come too" and if he hesitates......

.... great big bright red warning flag blown stiff by the wind!

alfajoyeux · 03-11-2008, 06:39 PM

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! In fact, I wouldn't want my dh hanging out with a woman who wanted more than friendship from the relationship. And I would feel the same if we were dating and not married. It's not like you've been on just a few casual dates....you've dated for over 6 years. I'd be especially upset if he chose her party over seeing me. It's not a "trust" issue to me, but a "respect" issue.

I hope it works out that you can at least attend the party with him. Why can't you visit him and attend the party together? Someone else had a great suggestion...that you suggest to him that you guys attend the party together and can then have the rest of the weekend to do something else.

Wanda

Regina · 03-14-2008, 06:25 AM

Go to the party! Skibum's words were a great way to begin discussion of it. If he doesn't want you there, yep, big warning sign.

This situation is too close to home for me. I was dating, now hubby, for over a couple of years, it may have been 3, and almost the same thing happened. Although, in my case,he ended up cheating, we broke up,etc. Etc. At first, he was just naïve to this girl hanging out at the skidiving hanger all the time, but naivity turned to stupidity. On the otherhand, I can see how some men don't pick up on the hanging out with someone that likes you may be leading her on.

h0t4jel · 05-15-2008, 04:31 AM

Hi Catie!

Albeit i am a newbie on these boards, not so much a newbie to relationships. I would absolutely let your feelings be known to him, honestly and openly ( like I see you have) If he doesnt care enough to squash what is clearly making you uncomfortable- be astute enough to realize he IS telling you something with this behavior... Whether we care to listen or not....

Just know that there is ( him- possibly down the line- if he shapes up ) or someone else out there who would bend over backwards, sideways and upside DOWN to make you happy without you having to tell him " hanging with some crazy ego crush" on her birthday, knowing it hurts you openly, is NOT something you do to someone you love and care about.
You are beautiful, smart and eloquent with your words.
Believe me there is a man out there who WILL give you mad love in a heartbeat you deserve, without the drama
There is simply too much drama in this world to start with, steer clear of it, and stay busy. He is!

03-10-2008, 08:52 PM	#21 (permalink)
Bigsweetie Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Clinton Township, Michigan Posts: 1,590 Recipes: Thanks: 8 Thanked 9 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Am I just unreasonable? Caitie, i'm glad that you'll be able to work it out so that you can go to the party. I just hope you two have a serious talk about respecting each others feelings. Just because he thinks you SHOULDN'T feel uncomfortable about his relationship with "Mel" doesn't mean that he should blow your feelings aside. No, you can't and shouldn't try to control him... and I don't control my husband. But if I feel uncomfortable about something, that's the end of it (if we talk about it, and my feelings still aren't eased). You are entitled to how you feel. If the roles were reversed, would you drop a friend for him? In my case, no question. If my Dh was uncomfortable about any of my friendships, we'd talk about what makes him uncomfortable, but if that isn't enough, then sorry but "bye-bye friend". My husbands feelings are important to me... I've made my life with him. Anyone in a serious relationship or married who has the attitude of "You can't control me or tell me what to do", IMO is missing the point of what love is about. He may see your actions as trying to "control" him, but I don't think that's your intention. You're voicing your uneasiness and he's not acknowledging it or trying to make your relationship the priority. Part of being in a commited relationship is making each other the priority and also realizing that your actions have an effect on the other person and their feelings about those actions should be taken seriously. If I was uneasy about something DH was doing, I would hate to think that I couldn't talk to him about it for fear of him thinking i'm trying to "control" him. And it would hurt even worse if my feelings were not as important as a ridiculous birthday party. IMO, he should have at least not gone to the party and tried to work this issue out with you first. Then, if you're comfortable with it, resume his friendship with Mel. Just promise me that you won't shove your feelings under the rug for fear of being a "bitchy" or "controling" girlfriend. You love him, right? Be honest (as I can see you have) and make sure that the importance you place on the relationship is returned. You would hate to be married, with kids, and have him off hanging out with "Mel" while you sit home with the kids all night. Then have him come home and say "you can't control me!!!". Relationships and marriage is a partnership. You're responsible for each others heart... that's not something to take lightly. If two people owned a business together and one business partner said "I don't like that vendor" and the other one said "Well, too bad, I already hired them and signed the contract", how long do you think that business would last? COMPROMISE is the key here!!! But you already know that! Hugs to you sweetie! And I hope you have a nice time at the party!! Make sure you look hot, hot, hot, and hang all over him. LOL!

03-11-2008, 12:00 AM	#23 (permalink)
Kristie Admin/Owner Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Scottsdale, Arizona Posts: 6,729 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 18 Times in 18 Posts	Re: Am I just unreasonable? OH btw... i think it's a GREAT idea to invite yourself along...I think all you have to do is be there, look yourself and be yourself because that's essentially what HE likes and why HE'S with you. All you have to do is say "can i come too" and if he hesitates...... __________________ www.jetcareers.com

03-11-2008, 09:21 AM	#24 (permalink)
scissorhands Jetgirls Plus Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: pa Posts: 208 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Re: Am I just unreasonable? See I would go with him to the party LOL. I would show my face...... It is important to respect each others feelings some men are retarded and have to be walked through stuff. Gotta stand your ground if he wont accomodate you now he wont in marrage....

03-11-2008, 06:39 PM	#28 (permalink)
alfajoyeux Jetgirls Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Michigan Posts: 119 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Am I just unreasonable? I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! In fact, I wouldn't want my dh hanging out with a woman who wanted more than friendship from the relationship. And I would feel the same if we were dating and not married. It's not like you've been on just a few casual dates....you've dated for over 6 years. I'd be especially upset if he chose her party over seeing me. It's not a "trust" issue to me, but a "respect" issue. I hope it works out that you can at least attend the party with him. Why can't you visit him and attend the party together? Someone else had a great suggestion...that you suggest to him that you guys attend the party together and can then have the rest of the weekend to do something else. Wanda

03-14-2008, 06:25 AM	#29 (permalink)
Regina Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern state Posts: 1,038 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts	Re: Am I just unreasonable? Go to the party! Skibum's words were a great way to begin discussion of it. If he doesn't want you there, yep, big warning sign. This situation is too close to home for me. I was dating, now hubby, for over a couple of years, it may have been 3, and almost the same thing happened. Although, in my case,he ended up cheating, we broke up,etc. Etc. At first, he was just naïve to this girl hanging out at the skidiving hanger all the time, but naivity turned to stupidity. On the otherhand, I can see how some men don't pick up on the hanging out with someone that likes you may be leading her on.

05-15-2008, 04:31 AM	#30 (permalink)
h0t4jel Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Las Vegas,NV Posts: 21 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Am I just unreasonable? Hi Catie! Albeit i am a newbie on these boards, not so much a newbie to relationships. I would absolutely let your feelings be known to him, honestly and openly ( like I see you have) If he doesnt care enough to squash what is clearly making you uncomfortable- be astute enough to realize he IS telling you something with this behavior... Whether we care to listen or not.... Just know that there is ( him- possibly down the line- if he shapes up ) or someone else out there who would bend over backwards, sideways and upside DOWN to make you happy without you having to tell him " hanging with some crazy ego crush" on her birthday, knowing it hurts you openly, is NOT something you do to someone you love and care about. You are beautiful, smart and eloquent with your words. Believe me there is a man out there who WILL give you mad love in a heartbeat you deserve, without the drama There is simply too much drama in this world to start with, steer clear of it, and stay busy. He is!

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)