Today sucks

[the_woman_99]

Okay lets just start off that I am sitting here crying and can't seem to stop. I am miserable right now. I miss my pilot like crazy. Here is a little back ground...
He moved to KY the end of July. I visited him the 3rd week in September. We made plans for me to move there this week. It obviously didn't turn out that way. When I got back from visiting he called and said that he was miserable with his job. We decided that he was going to look for something else and try and get out of there asap. He felt bad because we had plans for me to relocate there and now we had to put those on hold because we weren't really sure where he was going to end up and I told him that I wouldn't move there just to turn around and move again right away. It just isn't smart job wise and everything. So I have been nothing but supportive to him this whole time even though it was really hard for me because we were supposed to be together again. But I didn't complain to him about it. I kept encouraging him to apply to these different places and find a company that he would be happy with and everything. So he now has an interview tomorrow which I am excited he has because if he got it he could move closer to his home town (which is where he wants to go back to). If he got it training would take him through the month of November and I think a little bit into December. It isn't looking promising to spend the holidays together. It sucks and I am having a really hard time with it. December will be our 1 year together and then Christmas is that month. I am trying to not let it bother me and just think that this time apart isn't a big deal in the big picture or what not. But it really drives me crazy. And lets be honest it makes me sad to think that we won't be spending that time together. Anytime I bring it up to him he gets frustrated with me and then he gets mad because he thinks that I say all of these things to make him feel like shit. I don't say any of this with the intention of making him feel bad. I just talk with him about it because there isn't anyone else I can really talk to about it that would really understand. I mean my family doesn't like him at all and since he has been gone they all want me to date other people. I have told them that we aren't broken up at all and that we decided that we aren't going to date other people because we still love each other and want to be together as soon as we can. It has been so bad at times with them pushing me to date that I end up yelling at them to stay out of my life and that I have no interest in dating anyone else. I hate arguing with them about it and it doesn't help at all that that is all they want to talk about. It is frustrating that they just won't let up about it. He couldn't make it here for my birthday because of work or what not which is fine. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I knew that there was nothing I could do about it you know. So we have been going back and forth about Christmas which I know is dumb this early on in the year but I am an early shopper. So he told me this weekend that I am making it hard on him because I have told him that I have 5 really good ideas for him that I am really excited about because I know that he will love them. He told me this weekend that he felt I was pressuring him and he feels like because I have 5 things for him he needs to get me 5 things. Okay that is so dumb. I don't expect ANYONE to buy me as much as I buy them. I like giving gifts to people. I like to spend money on them and I like to give them gifts that I think they will love. It is what makes things fun for me and everyone loves getting presents from me because I am so thoughtful. I hate the fact that he turns it into a competition. It doesn't make sense to me. He sometimes makes me feel like I can't just send him a card or something to let him know that I was thinking about him or what not because he would feel like I expect something like that in return. It sucks because that is the kind of person that I am. I like to do things out of the blue so that the other person knows that I was thinking about them and I just wanted them to know. I love Christmas and birthdays because I am a very thoughtful person in giving gifts but I feel like he is turning those holidays that I love into something that I shouldn't love. It is hard because it is almost like I just don't want to celebrate them at all because he makes it so hard to enjoy sometimes He just sat there on the phone and complained about all the things that he has to payoff and that Christmas doesn't let him do that because he has to buy gifts for his family and what not...but in the next breath he says that he doesn't hate giving presents he just hates getting them.....ummm what...that doesn't make sense at all I finally was like fine if you are going to turn this into a competition then I will just buy you 2 things and we can just leave it at that. He was like no we can do what you want. I don't understand...I agree to do things the way he wants and then he says that he doesn't want to do them anymore? He says that he just doesn't want us to buy anything and work on spending the holiday together instead...okay that is more then fine with me but I also know that I am not the one who has a crazy schedule and can't follow through with that promise. He thinks that I am sacrificing everything right now when he hasn't asked me to and it frustrates him because he thinks that I am wearing myself down. I HAVE to stay busy or I do go insane. It is a personal choice. I don't like being seperated from him but I am making the most of my situation by working as much as I can and saving all of the money that I can so that we can be together as soon as possible. We didn't talk yesterday because I wasn't feeling well and then we played phone tag for a while and then I just went to bed. I called him this morning and as soon as he answered we just didn't have a whole lot to say to each other and he flies out later today for his interview. He said that he was going to call when he went to bed tonight and I told him that I would probably be working (I have 3 jobs). He was like 'fine then I won't call' I then asked him why he was being such a brat and what his problem was. He said that nothing was wrong and that I was being a brat and then he says 'whatever' because that is his way of letting me know that we aren't going to talk about it. I know that today I am just having a bad day and I am sorry if any of you are actually reading this long thread. I hate complaining about things and know that it doesn't make my situation better but sometimes I am just so sad because we are now going on a month of not seeing each other and I am not sure when we will see each other again. It is just frustrating not knowing when we can spend time together again. So after all of this I am sad today and don't know what to do about it. I just really want him here to give me a hug but obviously that isn't going to happen. And now I have started crying again...ugh!

[ASLhands]

So, a few things... First of all, you know that poster that says "Everything you need to know, you learned in Kindergarten?" I don't know if it says this but I learned in Kindergarten that BOYS ARE DUMB! The more you try to analyze why he is making a big deal out of the christmas presents, the more it won't make sense. My guy does that too. It is a pride thing, I think.

Second, where is he applying to? My bf just got hired last year on Dec 5. His training started Dec 11 and he was in training through the holidays. The company didn't have training on christmas or within like 4 days of christmas, or something like that. Regardless, he was able to come home. He also was able to come home every weekend. The company would fly him home positive space every weekend. I say don't stress about that just yet. Cross that bridge when you get there.

It is the worst when you just want a hug and he isn't there to give you one. I hate that. I think you are panicing (for lack of a better word) about the prospect that you may not see him and it makes it really tough since you haven't seen him in awhile. Just trust that you guys will figure it out and tell him that. That might make things easier with the two of you now. I am sorry you are so sad. Hang in there. Things are bound to get better.

[felly]

first things first, BREATHE! are you breathing? no, seriously. close your eyes for a second, and visualize the numbers as you count down from 10, breathing in and out. focus on your breath as you see each number in your mind. okay, you can open your eyes now...well, crap, you can't read this to know i told you to open your eyes!

i read every word, my dear, and it's okay. you're frustrated. he's frustrated. you're stressed. he's stressed. i can try to interpret for you, but obviously i'm not him nor do i know him. i do know frome experience that my pilot is the same way.

he wasn't here for my birthday or our one year anniversary, he was in training for express. he visited a few weeks later and we went to dinner to celebrate both. i felt like we both blew off the special days (more so him than me). he didn't get me anything for either day either. i was hurt. i was upset. then i realized that the gifts i had gotten him made him feel like he HAD to get me something. no one wants that! we just want our boys to say, "this is as special to me as it is to you, i promise," and then SHOW us how special it is. it is in my experience that my pilot has a hard time SAYING how special things are to him, but in person he is able to show it by hugs, kisses, and snuggles. he's not one for material things either. maybe your pilot is the same? he's just having a hard time not feeling guilty that you're sad and he's away (he can't fix it without being there to show you he cares).

chaulk it up to stress and try to clear your mind. try to "complain" less (though i realize you're just expressing your feelings). in a stressful situation he's libel to take anything you say as complaining or trying to make him feel guilty, especially if tears are involved, because he feels just as sad/worried/stressed and doesn't know how to make it better.

may i suggest journaling. especially when it feels like you have no where to turn, journaling can help you turn to yourself. you'll either see how ridiculous some of your thoughts are or how much sense they are, either way helping you with decisions and that all importang thing...breathing.

take time for yourself and reach out like you have here. just remember, you both miss each other and are both sad, you're just showing it in different ways (and maybe misunderstanding the others way of expressing it).

i feel like i'm so preachy and rambly. i'm sorry, dear. if i am way off base just tell me to hush. i just know what it feels like because i've been going through it too. i want to move in with my pilot, but who knows when it's going to happen because now i'm in your pilots situation.

i'm here for you if you need.

[jr_lenz]

We have all been through something like this, and being a commuter marriage, I know first hand how hard it can be when you are away from each other.

first let me tell you that durning traing, and the first months at a new airline is stressful, and anything thing you say can be taken as *pressure*. I got pg while Lance was in training, and was so tired that I was going to bed at 9:00. Well he felt *pressured* to call me before I went to bed. So try not to take that to much to heart, they have a thousand things coming at them at once. Also I a great present buyer and my husband is a terrible present buyer. I llike you would always brag about what a great gift I got him and it did make him feel bad b/c he had no idea. He was always worried that he wasn't going to meet my expecations and that I was going to be mad (you know how us women are at times). Although it wouldn't have bother me at all. I have learned to keep quiet to hime and share with everyone else, and then have my excitment on the day of the main event. He still picks my presents off of a list and i am happy just to see him enjoy his gifts, and it does take the pressure off him.

My only other suggestion to you is work hard on be flexable. There are a lot of missed b-day and holidays, but you can make what ever day you get together Christmas. It will be hard not to have him there on the day, but it will be okay if it is a few days later, or a day before. This will be our first Christmas in a long time that we probably won't be together, and I keep reminding myself of the same thing. I am trying not to get this *picture* in my head of how it should be, but make the most of whatever we get. Just remember that alot of us will be right there with you missing our guys too.

keep up the hard work, it will work out, and the next time you see him this will all be worth it.

Janet

[the_woman_99]

After writing the above thread I did feel better. It just felt good getting it all out. I am still sad but I know that tomorrow is a new day. I do keep a journal on a memory stick that goes everywhere with me. I used to keep one that I would acutally write in every day but it just got to be so much work and with me working all day I find that I have more time when I type it. That particular journal is just about me and him and just about me expressing everything I am feeling with him or things that we are going through. It does help a lot but sometimes I just want someone to talk back you know. I really do try and not complain all the time on the phone because I would hate that if the situations were revearsed and all he did was complain about missing me. I know that it isn't easy for either one of us. I guess that I just hate the crappy days where nothing seems to go right.
The gift thing bothers me a ton because I love giving presents. I always have. I have told him that it doesn't mean I want or expect anything in return. So I bought him a card that I saw and I liked it so I got it and wrote in it and then sent it on Saturday. He probably won't get it until Wednesday but it was just a little not or what not to let him know that I was thinking about him and that I loved him. That was it. I hope that he can just appreciate it for what it is and not make a big deal out of it. It doesn't mean that I expect a card like that in return. It was just something that I felt like doing.
Here is the thing about birthday's...he is such a slacker. When we were living together I took care of all of that stuff for his family because he just never did it. So he had flowers sent to work for my b-day and I told him how much I loved him and he apoligized for it not being more and I told him that I didn't need anything more. He was like whatever I have stuff at the apartment that I need to send you. It hasn't come (not the point) but don't tell me you have something for me and get my hopes up you know. Okay that last sentence probably made me sound like a bitch but when you say you are going to do something whether that is call or go on a date or what not you better follow through with it. If you don't say anything then you don't expect anything to really happen. Not really sure if that made any sense. Oh well.
I have to agree and say that boys are dumb I actually have a little paper with a picture on it at my desk at work that says 'Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them!' It is funny and my SO knows that I have it hanging there

[felly]

i'm sensing a theme here. are all of our boys bad gift givers? not bad in the sense that they don't want to give gifts, but bad that...welll, mine gets SO nervous and he feels pressured to get me something when i get him something. for valentine's day i literally made most of his gift, which threw him for a loop. and, yes, it's hard to be told "i'll get you something" or "i have something" and then not ever see it. mine did that too. hrm. this is very interesting indeed. anyone else have this same experience?

chin up, my dear. it sounds like you are doing a little better after venting. i promise it will get easier.

[ace12]

Hang in there! It seems that distance really exacerbates the whole thing- not to mention stressful training, changed move plans, etc. I have been right there where you are- the tears, etc. Don't stress about the gifts- he just doesn't handle it that well.

Keep us updated on his job. Are you still making plans to live together (I may have skimmed over that part.

[devin]

/hugs

I've been in a similar situation before, and I don't have a whole lot of advice other than keeping busy, and trying to do what YOU want to do while you're apart. With his career and future so up in the air, focus on what you need and want, and what you can do yourself. I know when my BF and i were living apart, and his job took him away for a month or more at a time, I was miserable a lot, and the only real solace I found was trying to spend time with my friends and have fun without him, and try to focus on my own goals while he was off living his/figuring his out.

You can't live your life based on him entirely. Take care of yourself, and do what makes you happy; I know it's hard but try not to focus on him as much, maybe. Pamper yourself a little, and you might find that you not worrying over all these things all the time might make him more giving to you. My BF was similar to yours in his reactions to my concerns for our future, and living together, but the more I got upset and depressed (partially driven by me not feeling like he cared as much or would "make it happen" on his part) the more he withdrew, and started a downward self-feeding spiral. I guess my blabbing concludes thus - love thyself! You're an amazing woman, you'd have to be to be with a pilot and deal with and support his dreams. Spend some time showing some love to yourself and spend some time on your needs other than him, and though it might sound backwards, it can help your relationship in ways you don't expect.

[the_woman_99]

ace - We are planning on still living together as soon as he figures out if he gets this job or not. He is in the interview right now. I am crossing my fingers. Because I will be driving my car to wherever we are re-locating I feel like we have to wait for the snow to stop. He thinks that we can just go around it. Hmm not really sure that is going to work out so that just puts us away from each other longer. Oh well. On most days I don't have a problem with it and just tell myself that this time apart is little in the bigger picture.
When we talked last night I didn't bring anything up. I know that you have to pick and choose your battles and most times this isn't the battle that I want to discuss because it just makes me sad and makes him mad. We both just want things to go back to 'normal' like they were when we were living together.
Thanks everyone for listening to me rant. I hate complaining. So it means a lot to hear what you women have to say

[Kristie]

see, i don't see where your complaining...

to me, complaining is bitching about something and not looking for a solution.

your looking for a solution, so, in my eyes, your venting but with a resourcefulness of finding a way to *fix it*

This time apart that you have is going to make you a much stronger person... able to handle just about anything that comes your way and honestly, in our type of lifestyle.. that's a good thing to have and what makes up a large chunk of the strong bonds that bind

you're not the only one with gift giving problems...I think all boys are not quite in tune emotionally like us girls are and that's just a fact of life. we'll always be better thoughful gift givers whereas they'll wait till crunch time and always tell you "if you don't like it, we can go find you something you'll like". in other words, he's not the only one! haha

you're doing good...just keep up the good work of communicating with us and we'll help you find a plausible solution that might even just be temporary.