communication?

[Anonymous]

can someone help me! lol
How do you all deal with the communication issues?
I have probably the most confusing relationship ever! lol! Been with him for almost 3 and a half years and in the past year instead of talking out our stuff we break up with each other then we are miserable and tell each other we cant stand being without the other then get back together!
The main things in our relationship we have talked out.
He didn't want to get married or have children EVER. I did....He now says he would like to be married and have kids near or after the age of 30. I can live with that. I love him I can wait. Plus he wants to build up his seniority with a company and really establish himself. I respect that. He got hired with Mesa Airlines (Yeah the Soul Suckers!) and I am sooooooo happy for him! He has worked so hard for this! We, mostly him, thought him being in Chicago a lot might cause some issues with us and me trusting him. He trusts me whole heartedly. I told him I trust him more than anything its the women I don't trust! lol! Some women see or hear pilot and are stuck to them like white on rice. He was VERY surprised that I trusted him so much. I told him I have no reason not to.
Well we are back together....Kind of!
How do we work on the communication? What did some of you do when you were first dating or whatever? We both are very committed this time to making it work. lol!
Any and ALL advice is appreciated!

[jr_lenz]

LOL....oh honey we were so in your shoes, we still are. Finding your "style" and "fit" in a relationship is hard, it is so easy to call it quits and walk away. but SO much more rewarding when you stay and work it out.

I was always the *I'm done, Im leaving* one. but we went to a *couples* weekend and I heard some things that changed my life. Basicly the idea was that a realtionship is all based off of a foundation or *safe area* and everytime that you use the breakup word, or divorce word you are putting doubt into the foundation of that realtionship. When you argue you have to have a safe place set up where both of you can bring things to the table. you can't bring old hurts, or use your intimate knowledge of your spouse to hurt them. and if (like I was) you are always playing the breakup card, then you are telling your mate this isn't a safe space. If I don't like what you say I am leaving. Then it closes off communcation.

We(me) have banned the *D* word from our arguements, and I have found that it has taken away my excuse to walk away from the argument, now I have to stay and face the issue and work it out. Plus I feel much more like grown up, instead of that little girl who gets mad and takes her toys and goes home!

[Doogie]

I think what helps us is creating a environment of honesty, plus giving one another the chance to complete the sentence before reacting or responding.

I'm from a family of all boys so I'm not really in tune with the differences in communicating with members of the opposite sex because women and men communicate way differently.

But I feel confident that I can talk to her about nearly anything without the fear of having her potentially want to bite my head off... but that's also been developed and fine tuned over the last 14 or so years that I've known her.

On the flight attendant issue... Honestly, he'd have a lot more "trouble" thrown at him if he was a bartender at TGI Fridays or worked in a medium-sized office.

Flight attendants aren't anything to worry about as long as you keep the lines of communications open and you foster an environment which he can be open and honest about things.

For example, have I been out on the town with flight attendants?

Absolutely.

Does it bother Kristie? She's a girl, naturally, but I think it'd concern her more if she sensed that I had to be dishonest with her in order to avoid a confrontation. That means that the same guy I am at home is the same guy I am on the road.

Most of the flight attendants that I know really don't want to bother with pilots beyond avoiding eating out alone on a layover for social and safety reasons.

I'm a happy guy, she's my kitty kat and, luckily, we still date and flirt heavily with one another so I really have no need to supplant that when I'm on the road.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much! Both of you really made sense. It was nice to get a guys POV too! Thanks Doug!

[Doogie]

Glad to help! It's what I do.

I figure the more comfortable Kristie is communicating with me, the better the stream of communication is going to be!

[skibum515]

John and I have gotten MUCH better at communicating with each other this time around (it was one of the main reasons we broke up before). Basically, When you are having a disagreement, listen - i mean, actually LISTEN, to what the other person is saying. Don't just interrupt them and try to get your point heard. We don't really have "ground rules" per say, but if I was to outline what we do, it'd be:

-Each person has a chance to present their point without being interrupted

-Each person must listen to the other's point, and give it serious consideration

-Then the other person presents their point, and the other gives it serious consideration.

-Validate the other person's feelings and thoughts. Repeat back to them what they just said in your own words. This way they know that you listened and understand what they are trying to say. This also gives them the opportunity to clear up something that you may have heard or thought they said when they meant it a different way.
"I hate it when you leave dishes all over the house, it creates a ton of work for me to do and I don't have time for it" (initial statement) "So what you're saying is that you don't have time to clean up all my dishes and you'd rather me put them in the dishwasher/sink" (validation statement)

-Don't attack the other person - attack their point or their idea. example: "I can't believe you'd think I'd want to go to Disney world you know I hate disney!" vs "I can't stand Disneyworld, it's too crowded, hot, crying kids etc"

- Use I statements. I feel ____ when you _____ I would like _____. It takes away the blame and accusation. It also allows the speaker to get out how they are feeling and present a potential solution.


hopefully that makes some sense and will help you! let me know if you need something clarified though!!

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by skibum515

John and I have gotten MUCH better at communicating with each other this time around (it was one of the main reasons we broke up before). Basically, When you are having a disagreement, listen - i mean, actually LISTEN, to what the other person is saying. Don't just interrupt them and try to get your point heard. We don't really have "ground rules" per say, but if I was to outline what we do, it'd be:

-Each person has a chance to present their point without being interrupted

-Each person must listen to the other's point, and give it serious consideration

-Then the other person presents their point, and the other gives it serious consideration.

-Validate the other person's feelings and thoughts. Repeat back to them what they just said in your own words. This way they know that you listened and understand what they are trying to say. This also gives them the opportunity to clear up something that you may have heard or thought they said when they meant it a different way.
"I hate it when you leave dishes all over the house, it creates a ton of work for me to do and I don't have time for it" (initial statement) "So what you're saying is that you don't have time to clean up all my dishes and you'd rather me put them in the dishwasher/sink" (validation statement)

-Don't attack the other person - attack their point or their idea. example: "I can't believe you'd think I'd want to go to Disney world you know I hate disney!" vs "I can't stand Disneyworld, it's too crowded, hot, crying kids etc"

- Use I statements. I feel ____ when you _____ I would like _____. It takes away the blame and accusation. It also allows the speaker to get out how they are feeling and present a potential solution.


hopefully that makes some sense and will help you! let me know if you need something clarified though!!

Great post!

some lessons there for me, too...

[Doogie]

Skibum for president!

[flyershoe]

Originally Posted by skibum515

"I hate it when you leave dishes all over the house, it creates a ton of work for me to do and I don't have time for it" (initial statement) "So what you're saying is that you don't have time to clean up all my dishes and you'd rather me put them in the dishwasher/sink" (validation statement)

<hijack>

I think that most men are incapable of putting dishes into the dishwasher! Mine has mastered getting it to the sink, but that magical sink --> dishwasher connection he just can't seem to make. Oh well, I guess I should be thankful that they make it that far!
/hijack

But on the original topic, anon, you've been given awesome advice. I have nothing to add! (besides the hijack, of course)

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by flyershoe

<hijack>

I think that most men are incapable of putting dishes into the dishwasher! Mine has mastered getting it to the sink, but that magical sink --> dishwasher connection he just can't seem to make. Oh well, I guess I should be thankful that they make it that far!
/hijack

But on the original topic, anon, you've been given awesome advice. I have nothing to add! (besides the hijack, of course)

LOL!
I taught him the concept of a dishwasher! He is great at it. A couple times I have caught him actually turning it on! I taught him a washing machine and dryer and how to hang up his clothes too. lol! He is very domestic. Just dont say that to his face. lol

Thanks for the advice here. Skibum...wow! that was a lot to take in! lol....It sounded like something from the book Men are From Mars Women are from Venus. lol!
Good Times