It is over and I am very sad - Page 4

Imachickadee75 · 08-26-2007, 03:25 PM

I think your list is great...as long as you are willing to look at it as a guide not a checklist. And I feel that some qualities are definately more inportant than others - i.e. knows what he wants vs height.

I can tell you, that often the "one" is not quite what you were expecting. Me, I always thought I'd marry a dark haired, dark eyed guy who treated me like a queen and could do no wrong. That's all I dated.

My husband, dated tall, dark brunettes (some were oriental) that were highly gregarious.

What did we find in our soulmates? Jarred is fair skinned, blue eyed and has brown hair. He appreciates my ability to stand on my own two feet and expects me to do so 90% of the time (of course he's by my side all the time and always there if I need him). He calls me out when I'm wrong and expects me to do the same.

I'm short (5'1.5"), fair skinned with dark auburn hair. I can be gregarious but usually pretty quiet until the mood strikes me.

My point is, usually Mr. Right is where you least expect him. My advice? Pare your list down to absolute essentials.

Confident -yes
Share same relationship goals (ie. long term --> marriage) Yes
Gentleman (open doors, pay during early dating) Yes -although can be trained

Supportive of me YES
Fit and atheltic YES
Close to his family YES (or at least willing to be close to you or yours)
Into me Yes
Make me laugh YES
Kind to other people (waiters, whoever) YES
Opimistic YES
Financially responsible YES
Like outdoors YES
Adventurous Maybe
Neat and organized Maybe (can be trained or you can overlook)
Good looking NO
Like art and music NOT if there are other things you have in common
Affectionate YES
Cultured NO (can learn)
Travelled NO (can do it with you)
Interested in other culture and the world YES
Make responsible good living YES
Passionate YES
Romantic YES (although can be taught)
Knows who he is and what he wants YES
Not against to start a family (I am not sure myself, but I donot want to rule it out) YES
Ideally a pilot (i think I am going to cross this one out of my list. I have dated 4 pilots in the past 2.5 years, none of them worked out) Who cares what he does if he makes a good living as above?
Ideally cook well NO (can learn)
Ideally have a motorcycle NO -does it really matter in a spouse?
Ideally speak a foreign language (this pilot speaks Spanish and French) Maybe -do you?

My point is that nobody is perfect. What do I love about my DH -he has incredible integrity, he is totally devoted to me and our family, he respects me, and he has a great sense of humor. There are many, many more things that I DONT like about him. But the important things are there. Some he has been willing to change, some are just the way he is and I had to decide if I could live with them. I know I'm not his original dream woman either, and he has had to make the same realizations I did about him. But, 12.5 years later, and a year into Regional airlines, we are still very happy most of the time based on that understanding.

Enjoy being single and meeting new people. Try to appreciate them for what they are and your Mr. Right will most likely come along when you least expect him.

Jackie

Londoner · 08-26-2007, 03:54 PM

Jackie,

I couldn't agree with you more. Being so specific really doesn't work! Having said that, defining the broad personality traits you'd like is a good idea. Before I met my husband, I had a vague idea in my head - someone who wanted a serious relationship, someone who was loving, who felt family was important, who respected me and loved me for who I was - all crucial things.

However being a pilot was not on the list! Out of interest, what do you like about them? I'd never have even thought about them before I met my husband. Not that pilots aren't nice (mine's wonderful), but they're away a lot! What appeals so much?

sfblue · 08-26-2007, 06:27 PM

jackie, Londoner, SeatClutcher, and laralen02

Thank you for your great advice.

So, why pilot is on the list? I did say "ideal", but not neccassary. I am becoming a private pilot myself. Just did my last cross country today, and will be taking check ride very soon. I have been wanting to be a pilot for 2 years, I figured if my SO is a pilot, we would have common interest. Most of pilots I know love flying and passionate about what they do (either flying for a living or as a hobby which is what I am going to do). But your point are well taken. This very pilot does not like flying at all, he does not like his job.

Also about whole travelling, adventurous, cultured and speaking foreign language thing. Since I am all the above, it is very hard for me to have connection with men who are not. It is more about mentality, rather how many place he has been or I have been. A guy who is not travelled and/or adventurous would be initimidated by me. I have tried to overlook this, but did not work. I can cross foreign language part as it is just ideal to have (I do speak another language myself).

In fact, I have mostly been using the list as guideline. The only thing was that this pilot fits so much. But again, he does not feel strong enough towards me, or not stable or place of his life to have a relationship, whatever the reason is.

In the past, when my relationship broke up, I went ahead and meet another guy without doing a lot of consicious reflection. This time, I want to do it differently.

Looking back in my love life so far, I actually only truly loved 2 people. My ex-husband and my long term ex bf (we were together for 4-5 years, and it ended 5 years ago).

This pilot reassembles my long term ex bf.
They have similar qualities and taste, even shortcomings
On top of that, one is European, the other is half European.
They both could not face the end and both broke up in writing

I donot think I have got over with my long term ex bf completely.
I always compare others with him even it is subconsiously.
In the past 5 years, I donot think I have met anyone who measures up to my ex-bf
This pilot remindered me of my ex-bf so much and when I was comparing them, I felt that the pilot actually is "better" (whatever it means).
They even have exact same name

I am hoping that by healing from this short relationship, I will also heal from my long term ex-bf

Yes, I will take some time, live my life (which I have been. The pilot has commented time and time again that he is amazed by my passion towards life). I took this summer not working learning to fly. I also took classes in painting, pottery and jewlrey making. I climb Mt. Shasta. I have made several female friends which I am happy about. I have done a lot of volunteering work as well. All in all, I am happy about myself and who I am.

So I am happy about how this summer has turned out. I am going back to work on 9/4. But I have 2 business ideas I am going to pursue. One came up about 6 months ago and it is related aviation, the other one I thought about 1 month ago. I did not pursue either seriously. But now I am going to. I have found partners for both of them. So we will see.

ace12 · 08-26-2007, 08:39 PM

You are such an upbeat person. I wish that I could be as honestly introspective as you.

I "get" your list; the feedback from the gals is great too- just keep options open, but good to know what's important to you too!

Congrats on your flight today. When is your check-ride?

Hang in there!

sfblue · 08-26-2007, 09:17 PM

Ace

Thanks alot for your compliment. Check ride will be sometime in Sept depends on how much I can practice last round.

I post this in coffee talk section just now. I want to thank everyone again for your kindness and support. Without you, I would not have been feeling better this fast.

Quote:

3 days after I broke up with the pilot, I figured out my passion (job/career wise). Or should I say that I was able to think straight and decide that I am going to pursue things I wanted to do.

I was an science and engineering major. Later I went to work in hi-tech in strategy and M&A area. It is a great and glarmous job and pays very well. But as I stated before, I lost interests in hi-tech stuff and climbing corporate ladder. I have spent past 3-4 years trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Also hoping to meet the ONE since I can now focus on my personal life more than job/career.

Well the One has not shown up yet. And I just broke up with someone that I thought have a lot of potential. So I promised to myself (while talking to my parents yesterday) that I will spend next 5 years to have 2nd career, something I would be passionate about.

So I have two ideas. 8 months ago, I was dating this guy (call him R) who is also an airline pilot. He had some ideas related to aviation in China. And I did some research about it and thought it is a grand idea. But since I started dating the pilot whom I just broke up, I quited thinking about that business idea. Anyway, long story short, I did some exercises recently about what I really want to do, this business idea came to the top of the list.

Another idea came to 2nd. I have been thinking about 2nd idea since 2 months, but hold off as I was consumed by the pilot and other hobbies.

Now I decided I am going to pursue both ideas. I have found a business partner for 2nd idea. I just talked to R and we both want to pursue 1st idea. 2nd idea can happen very soon, 1st idea will take a long time. So I am going to make a decision on 2nd idea within 2 weeks and get it started within 2 months. 1st idea will take at least 6 months to 1 year of planning before it can be started if it is even feasible.

Anyway, I am excited about all these. And I feel empowered. Wish me luck. Thanks!

It does not mean I would not have ups and downs. Every morning in the past several days, I woke up thinking about this very pilot... But I am moving on.

Kristie · 08-27-2007, 03:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oppita

Try to look at this from other side. He hade 4 months with you...
and he is the one who´s gonna miss a lot.

I just can not see him as gentleman though..he´s typical man...while he can have fun with you but no strings attached, that´s perfect arrangment for him. You opened up last time, and he didn´t have guts to tell you? oh..he has guts to fly a 30 000 kg plane but not to tell you?
He knew all this time that he´s going to move, now he uses it as excuse to tell you he don´t want to get involved in relationship..common! (There are plenty of guys flying up and down all over the country to get see their beloved...)

I don´t wanna sound hursh sweetie, but he only answered you when you pushed him to do so..otherwise he would be doing the same all the time.

I know you´ll be OK; and please keep in mind that you deserve somebody, who will keep in touch, who corresponds to your feeling, who will fly 1000 miles to see you for a while..

I got once a great book from my best gf:
He's Just Not That Into You: Your Daily Wake-up Call

it´s written with humor..but it really opened my eyes..And I loved one example given:
two people met, they go on date, like each other aparrently, than the guy didn´t call her when he said he will. days goes by and he finally called her like 10 days after..apologizing, that he was so busy in work.Her answer: great.Happy to hear that you are well. But you had a chance (one) and you didn´t make it!

She´s in charge! I had a blast when I read it..and I still go back to the book from time to time..to remind me...that I´m worth it and much more.

It´s not my intention to put you down, I hope I didn´t do it...

Hugs

what a coward and a ***** for not telling you in person even while taking advantage...knowing full well he was going to dump you anyways...sounds like he was totally using you...a blessing in disguise that he dumped you now and not dragging you along even longer. something to watch out for in your next relationships, for sure!! you'll be ok tho, there are better fish in the sea than that cowardly lion.

Sorry to hear this happened but glad it happened now and not a year or two down the line.

sfblue · 08-27-2007, 08:22 AM

Quote:

what a coward and a ***** for not telling you in person even while taking advantage...knowing full well he was going to dump you anyways...sounds like he was totally using you...a blessing in disguise that he dumped you now and not dragging you along even longer. something to watch out for in your next relationships, for sure!! you'll be ok tho, there are better fish in the sea than that cowardly lion.

Sorry to hear this happened but glad it happened now and not a year or two down the line.

Hi Kristie

Thank you for standing up for me.
I agree it is better to end now than dragging.
Not everyone can do long distance (he has never done LD in his life, and I only had 1 experience myself).
So I too was very concerned about it even though I would want to give it a try.

Although I am still sad it ended that way, I donot think he totally used me.
We shared connections, but not strong enough.
He is not in a place and time of his life to have a stable relationship with anyone, period.
He was sincere and geniue when with me.
When we 1st met, he does not know he was moving. Moving and new job happened unexpectedly.
I learned a lot from him, and he inspired me to become a better person.
I am glad that I know him even it is only a season, not a life long mate.

Have I leared lessons from this?
Of course!

But like I said, at the end when everything said and done, I am going to let him go with love, not with resentment.
It is not about him and his behaviour
It is about me as a person and how I look at the world...
It is about the feeling that I am 1 step closer to "meet" the ONE
And it is about "life is still beautiful"

08-26-2007, 03:25 PM	#31 (permalink)
Imachickadee75 Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: oklahoma Posts: 645 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 14 Times in 6 Posts	Re: It is over and I am very sad I think your list is great...as long as you are willing to look at it as a guide not a checklist. And I feel that some qualities are definately more inportant than others - i.e. knows what he wants vs height. I can tell you, that often the "one" is not quite what you were expecting. Me, I always thought I'd marry a dark haired, dark eyed guy who treated me like a queen and could do no wrong. That's all I dated. My husband, dated tall, dark brunettes (some were oriental) that were highly gregarious. What did we find in our soulmates? Jarred is fair skinned, blue eyed and has brown hair. He appreciates my ability to stand on my own two feet and expects me to do so 90% of the time (of course he's by my side all the time and always there if I need him). He calls me out when I'm wrong and expects me to do the same. I'm short (5'1.5"), fair skinned with dark auburn hair. I can be gregarious but usually pretty quiet until the mood strikes me. My point is, usually Mr. Right is where you least expect him. My advice? Pare your list down to absolute essentials. Confident -yes Share same relationship goals (ie. long term --> marriage) Yes Gentleman (open doors, pay during early dating) Yes -although can be trained Supportive of me YES Fit and atheltic YES Close to his family YES (or at least willing to be close to you or yours) Into me Yes Make me laugh YES Kind to other people (waiters, whoever) YES Opimistic YES Financially responsible YES Like outdoors YES Adventurous Maybe Neat and organized Maybe (can be trained or you can overlook) Good looking NO Like art and music NOT if there are other things you have in common Affectionate YES Cultured NO (can learn) Travelled NO (can do it with you) Interested in other culture and the world YES Make responsible good living YES Passionate YES Romantic YES (although can be taught) Knows who he is and what he wants YES Not against to start a family (I am not sure myself, but I donot want to rule it out) YES Ideally a pilot (i think I am going to cross this one out of my list. I have dated 4 pilots in the past 2.5 years, none of them worked out) Who cares what he does if he makes a good living as above? Ideally cook well NO (can learn) Ideally have a motorcycle NO -does it really matter in a spouse? Ideally speak a foreign language (this pilot speaks Spanish and French) Maybe -do you? My point is that nobody is perfect. What do I love about my DH -he has incredible integrity, he is totally devoted to me and our family, he respects me, and he has a great sense of humor. There are many, many more things that I DONT like about him. But the important things are there. Some he has been willing to change, some are just the way he is and I had to decide if I could live with them. I know I'm not his original dream woman either, and he has had to make the same realizations I did about him. But, 12.5 years later, and a year into Regional airlines, we are still very happy most of the time based on that understanding. Enjoy being single and meeting new people. Try to appreciate them for what they are and your Mr. Right will most likely come along when you least expect him. Jackie

08-26-2007, 03:54 PM	#32 (permalink)
Londoner Jetgirls Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: London ,UK Posts: 212 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: It is over and I am very sad Jackie, I couldn't agree with you more. Being so specific really doesn't work! Having said that, defining the broad personality traits you'd like is a good idea. Before I met my husband, I had a vague idea in my head - someone who wanted a serious relationship, someone who was loving, who felt family was important, who respected me and loved me for who I was - all crucial things. However being a pilot was not on the list! Out of interest, what do you like about them? I'd never have even thought about them before I met my husband. Not that pilots aren't nice (mine's wonderful), but they're away a lot! What appeals so much?

08-26-2007, 06:27 PM	#33 (permalink)
sfblue Jetgirls Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: San Francisco Posts: 63 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: It is over and I am very sad jackie, Londoner, SeatClutcher, and laralen02 Thank you for your great advice. So, why pilot is on the list? I did say "ideal", but not neccassary. I am becoming a private pilot myself. Just did my last cross country today, and will be taking check ride very soon. I have been wanting to be a pilot for 2 years, I figured if my SO is a pilot, we would have common interest. Most of pilots I know love flying and passionate about what they do (either flying for a living or as a hobby which is what I am going to do). But your point are well taken. This very pilot does not like flying at all, he does not like his job. Also about whole travelling, adventurous, cultured and speaking foreign language thing. Since I am all the above, it is very hard for me to have connection with men who are not. It is more about mentality, rather how many place he has been or I have been. A guy who is not travelled and/or adventurous would be initimidated by me. I have tried to overlook this, but did not work. I can cross foreign language part as it is just ideal to have (I do speak another language myself). In fact, I have mostly been using the list as guideline. The only thing was that this pilot fits so much. But again, he does not feel strong enough towards me, or not stable or place of his life to have a relationship, whatever the reason is. In the past, when my relationship broke up, I went ahead and meet another guy without doing a lot of consicious reflection. This time, I want to do it differently. Looking back in my love life so far, I actually only truly loved 2 people. My ex-husband and my long term ex bf (we were together for 4-5 years, and it ended 5 years ago). This pilot reassembles my long term ex bf. They have similar qualities and taste, even shortcomings On top of that, one is European, the other is half European. They both could not face the end and both broke up in writing I donot think I have got over with my long term ex bf completely. I always compare others with him even it is subconsiously. In the past 5 years, I donot think I have met anyone who measures up to my ex-bf This pilot remindered me of my ex-bf so much and when I was comparing them, I felt that the pilot actually is "better" (whatever it means). They even have exact same name I am hoping that by healing from this short relationship, I will also heal from my long term ex-bf Yes, I will take some time, live my life (which I have been. The pilot has commented time and time again that he is amazed by my passion towards life). I took this summer not working learning to fly. I also took classes in painting, pottery and jewlrey making. I climb Mt. Shasta. I have made several female friends which I am happy about. I have done a lot of volunteering work as well. All in all, I am happy about myself and who I am. So I am happy about how this summer has turned out. I am going back to work on 9/4. But I have 2 business ideas I am going to pursue. One came up about 6 months ago and it is related aviation, the other one I thought about 1 month ago. I did not pursue either seriously. But now I am going to. I have found partners for both of them. So we will see.

08-26-2007, 08:39 PM	#34 (permalink)
ace12 Jetgirls Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Colorado Posts: 79 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: It is over and I am very sad You are such an upbeat person. I wish that I could be as honestly introspective as you. I "get" your list; the feedback from the gals is great too- just keep options open, but good to know what's important to you too! Congrats on your flight today. When is your check-ride? Hang in there!

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