Last night was...BAD

[the_woman_99]

I was on the phone with my SO last night. Everything started out really great and things were fine. Then we started talking about my birthday becuase it is coming up in a little over a month and I told him that I just wanted him for my birthday. Right now his schedule is where he works 3 weeks and then has a week off. Unfortunately my birthday doesn't fall on his week off. It does fall on a Saturday though. He has been gone since the end of July and we haven't seen each other since. I live at home because I am trying to save money and everything so that I can move out to KY with him. He doesn't want to come here (UT) on his weeks off because the only place he can really stay without paying is with me at my parents house. They don't really like each other to say the least so it doesn't make things any easier. We just started arguing after that because there are times when I feel that he would rather go visit friends instead of come and see me. I knew that this transition would be hard but sometimes I feel like it is harder then it needs to be. I was originally going to re-locate out there March of next year but I am not re-thinking it because I am just not happy here right now without him. I don't like who I have become at all and since living with my parents again is only making it harder because they don't like him all that much. After talking and crying on the phone with SO last night he thinks that I shouldn't wait until next year. He thinks that I should come in the next couple of months. I am a little nervous because I don't know what I should do. I would be leaving EVERYTHING I have here to go there and be with him. I would do it in a heart beat if I knew it was the right thing. But I am not sure. I dont know what it going to make me sure of it either. I know that life doesn't hold any guarantees. I just don't want to put pressure on our relationship either. When we first moved in with each other things totally changed in our relationship...we stopped having as much sex, we stopped going out, I guess you could say that we stopped really trying. I talked to him about it when it was going on beceause I was confused about his behavior. We had talked about living with each other before we moved in and we decided that it was what we wanted but then all that crap just started happening and it was not fun at all to say the least. We obviously moved on from all of that but I am worried that it might start all over again if I were to move there now instead of waiting until next year. I don't want to go through that again.
So ladies if you are still reading this maybe you could offer up some advice on what to do. I have talked with a co-worker about it and she mentioned that I should make a list of pros and cons. I know that the biggest reason for staying here would be my family. We are a very close family and all live within 10 minutes of each other. Since I have moved back home things have been very stressful with the family because they don't understand at all what I am going through and it is putting a lot of strain on our relationship. They don't recognize that I have changed a lot. The biggest reason for going would obviously be that me and my SO would be together when we could. And there wouldn't be any of these traveling conflict between us.
Again I am not sure what to do. Any advice would be helpful right about now.

[SeatClutcher]

Ian and I got together about two weeks before he deployed to Iraq. We'd known each other for years, but we hadn't spent more than two days in the same state since we were 17 (when we got together before he deployed, we were 28).

When he left for Iraq, I was still living in ND, and 6 mos after he left, I moved down to TN to be there when he got back 6 mos later.

I knew nobody and it took me a month to find a job.

It was scary, sure.

BUT - if you don't move forward, you don't move forward. If you weren't with your SO, would you stay where you are forever?

If you leave everything you know, that just means you're going somewhere where you'll get to know more stuff, more people, more places. And the people you're "leaving behind" will be there when you visit. Leaving UT to be with your SO might be scary, but any move is scary. If you go there and things don't work out, they don't work out. You'll have a job, you'll have created a life for yourself.

That your SO is the reason you might move is a technicality - people move for all kinds of reasons, any number of which might not work out. If you were moving for a job, you might discover you didn't like the job after doing it for a little while. Then what?

You'd figure it out.

Try not to let fear keep you where you are.

I was worried about moving to TN "just" for Ian. I had absolutely no reason to think we would work, aside from that we'd loved each other for years. The fact remained: we hadn't spent ANY time together. It had all been long distance, and sporadic, at that. It was a risk. A fun one. What the hell, right? You live once. And it's the people in your life who are the most important. What better reason to move than to be with the person you love?

[GreenMtnGirl]

99, I feel your pain. I lived with my parents while first dating my DB and that caused a few difficulties. It's important to remember what's really important to YOU, and to make those things clear to your family. There's a fine line between listening to their advice--and allowing them to overly influence your decisions about your personal life. (Sometimes I blamed DB for not wanting to see my family instead of putting myself in his shoes...when I finally did that, I was able to offer more constructive advice to help him deal with my family...)

My boyfriend, too, has been gone since the end of July and I most likely won't see him for another month. He wasn't here for my birthday (although I did get lots of well wishes from everyone here!!) either...and I'm going to be going through some big changes in the next few weeks without him. (Moving to a new state, starting school again, etc.) We'll be commuting for the next year. It sucks, it really does.

I've received a lot of good advice here---things like, the first few weeks/months are always the hardest because you have to adjust to new roles and expectations within a relationship--but once you do, things seem more "normal". That was helpful to hear, and it already has gotten a little easier. Obviously, sex isn't happening and neither is connecting emotionally on that level. I find having a sense of humor REALLY helpful here, like joking with DB about "how the maid was last night"...silly things to keep us at least thinking about and wanting each other. (Some people might think that's crazy; I guess I feel comfy doing this cuz we have a very trusting relationship...) I also try to step back and look at things really objectively--hard because I'm a girl and have lots of emotions--but i try to remember that, sometimes things like traveling and seeing each other just plain won't work out for whatever reason, and to not take it personally. Other advice has been to spend lots of time with friends and hobbies so you have your own life, and to make the time you don't see each other pas much more quickly.

What plans do you have going on where you are now? Staying apart and being supportive of each other pursuing individual goals can be a very wise thing to do because you won't resent him later for making you feel like you had to change your plans. But my best advice is to trust your gut feeling about this...and talk with a few close friends--really talk--or write in a journal to get it all out...and you will figure out what to do. Have faith in yourself! Don't feel bad about crying, either...I cried almost every day for the first two weeks and was like---what the hell is happening to me?! But you know what? It kind of feels good to not be so dependent on having another person around to make me happy. It's strange how you can start relying on a certain person just to BE there when you need them--and it feels good to remember that I really can rely on myself, too. This week's been good so far--but I know there will be more tears, and plenty of crappy days too. You just have to know in your heart that it's worth it, and be clear about that with your DB too.

Hope I didn't talk 2 much about myself, and that this is helpful. I really hope you feel better!

[GreenMtnGirl]

Haha, I just realized that you posted a really nice response to one of my posts asking for long-distance relationship advice! You give some, you get some...I'm really starting to like this website.

I'm right here with ya! BTW, if you're ever having a really bad day, come on here and check out the extended emoticon/smilie list. I've never seen SO many hilarious ones. Maybe I'm easily amused but they've been cracking me up all day... I'm from Vermont, so I'm pretty impressed with the dancing cow.

[sfblue]

Not sure I am the best person to give advice as I am about to facing LD issue as well. That is IF we decide to get serious. My pilot of 4 months is moving from SF to DC for a new job.

About moving to where he is. From my experience (or lack of experience), you have to feel that you not only move for him, but move for youself, to see and experience something new and different.

I personally moved from Shanghai to North Carolina not knowing anyone going to school. I never moved for a man although one guy moved for me. It turned out to be a good decision for him as he found a great job/a new career and becomes very successful in what he does. We married before he moved. It did not last as we grew apart.

I have not had any LD experience since then. With my current pilot, I would consider moving to DC if we become serious and see a future together. But I would not move in with him unless we are engaged. I may consider moving to DC on a trial baisi, and get my own place and date him for a while. Is it possible that you move to TN on a trial basis? Get your own place, find a job instead of moving into with him right away?

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by sfblue

From my experience (or lack of experience), you have to feel that you not only move for him, but move for youself, to see and experience something new and different.

Twue, twue.


One thing to remember, too, is that if you do move to be with a guy, you're not moving 'for a man.' You're moving to be with [x], a person. I love knowing that if something important brought me to a certain part of the country or world, Ian certainly would move there 'for a woman.' Rather, for me - the woman he's in love with.

(I'm writing this not to argue, but to make the distinction between moving 'for a man' and making a move to be with the person you love.)

I may consider moving to DC on a trial baisi, and get my own place and date him for a while. Is it possible that you move to TN on a trial basis? Get your own place, find a job instead of moving into with him right away?

[the_woman_99]

I want to make the move because he is the man that I love and I think that it will be worth it. It is just so overwhelming to think about right now.
It isn't a problem living with each other because when he lived here we lived together so I am not worried about that. I just don't want him to get all weird again like he did the first time around. I really don't think that he will because I would like to think that we are past that stage.
Right now he works for a freight co. so we don't have the luxury of living where ever we want and then just having him commute. I can't wait until that day arrives because then we can stay in one place longer. It is hard for him to settle down right now because he is so young and has a lot still to achieve. For me it is different. I have been in the same job for the last 3 years. So to be the one to relocate is fine but I also struggle with the thought that in a year or so we could be doing the same thing. I hate going from job to job. It does nothing good for my resume. I know I should just get over all the moving and think about the good things like being together and everything. I am now working on my resume to send it out and just see what happens with it. Atleast I can say that I tried

[Jessica]

I don't even know what to say about your situation, but I feel bad because I thought I had it bad when in reality, I think that I am lucky. My bf and I both live with our parents because we are trying to save money. My bf has 2, sometimes 3 days off a week depending on his schedule. We live about 45 minutes away from each other right now and we both complain all the time about the commute to see each other, especially when it is late at night. We've been talking about moving in together, but besides not having the money yet, I think that he doesn't really want to yet because I seem more excited than he does.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time. To me, it sounds like your heart has already made the decision...its just your head that is overanalyzing. If you really love him and want to be with him, I think the only way is going to be moving there to be with him. But remember...your relationship is a two way street. Make sure you talk to him about what happened last time you had moved in together and that you don't want that to happen again. You are moving there to be with him and that is a big change for you. He needs to understand that.

Hope things work out for you!

-Jess

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by the_woman_99

Right now he works for a freight co. so we don't have the luxury of living where ever we want and then just having him commute. I can't wait until that day arrives because then we can stay in one place longer.

How long will it be until then? Do you know?

It is hard for him to settle down right now because he is so young and has a lot still to achieve.

What do you mean by "settle down"? Do you mean career-wise?

For me it is different. I have been in the same job for the last 3 years. So to be the one to relocate is fine but I also struggle with the thought that in a year or so we could be doing the same thing. I hate going from job to job. It does nothing good for my resume.

Oh gawd, I know. That does make things tricky.

I know I should just get over all the moving and think about the good things like being together and everything.

If it were that simple!

I'm sorry my initial response sounded so light. "Oh, just move! It's easy!" Clearly, it isn't. (I hadn't taken repeated moves, resume issues, and all that into consideration. The response was mostly to a fear of leaving "home," and it's too easy to jump on that and say, "Move! Fear not!")

Hope this all works out for you! (It will, one way or the other. )

[the_woman_99]

We aren't sure when it will be that he will get a job that he can settle down in. Or whatever that means. And yes I do mean career wise.
I really want to be the supportive SO in all of this but some days it gets hard. I know that his career is important but I also want him to see that my career is important as well. We have tried talking about that and he says that if I do move out there he would stay at this current base for as long as he felt he could without giving up other opportunities where he could make more money.
We talked last night and I really want a job set up or at least in the works before moving out there blind you know. He just told me that I could move out blind and see what happens when I get there. He said that if I didn't get what I wanted right away I could just work something seasonal for the time being. It is hard because I am not that person at all. I have been working in the banking industry for almost 7 years. I feel like if I didn't have something lined up I would be losing what I have learned. I know that I am probably being more dramatic abou the issue then needs be but it is going to be hard to leave this job for the unkown.
Don't worry about your early post trying to come off as something that is easy. I really appreciate everything that everyone has said. It has really made me think about a lot of things.
Now I just struggle with the family that doesn't like him. I also think that it might help out relationship if we were away from all of that. I don't know maybe it wouldn't come between us so much?