New and in need of HELP!

[jamies73]

Hello Everyone!

I am gonna try to stay on track and keep things to the point cause I can write a book on my woes at the moment..LOL! You can learn about some of my backround on the get to know you page..yes I posted there first

Ok here it goes~

I've been with Db for 7 years. I am 34 and he is 27....Yeah..it was all supposed to be a "having fun thing" lol..well here we are. Hey I don't have to tell you how captivating these men can be..and smart..lol! Yeah he had me at "you ever had anyone fly you around in an airplane"....I LOVE airplanes love to travel...always had..so it wan't easy for him to win me over! At that time Db was a private pilot doing his under grad, and I too was a college student, working on a new career...so hey it really worked! He got me through Physics!!!! I am eternally grateful!

In the early years he was going to school, flying trying to get the many flight ratings needed, and worked at the airport part time. I worked 2 jobs sometimes, was a single mom, and in school. I was also now that I look back taking care of him...because he had no money to contribute..it ALL went to pay for flying. I LOVED ad still do the passion these men have for their goal!! Gosh it was a breath of fresh air to have a man in my life with passion! I was willing to help, and expidite the process, and I always looked at us as a team. BOY did i hear it from everyone around me with both barrels..lol

"What are you doing?? You are putting someone through school that might not even be with you in the end....He's gonna get there and leave you for a young FA..You are wasting your time, when you could be with a man that has made it andnot have to support him..you have 2 kids, now you have 3" etc etc

Oh guys the list goes on. Sadly these comments mixed with just lots of things caused us to break up for 1 year back in 2005-2006. I needee a break from supporting him financially, since I had just graduated, and I was starting to worry after 4 years of doing this..marriage was not in the plan, naturally i was just 31 at the time and trying to evaluate my life..and my choices. I traveled all over that year..with my children. It was so fun! However I missed my Db terribly..you know you are in trouble when you are on a girls trip to cancun, letting all your girls know what kind of palne they are flying before the FA does her little song and dance...lol like anyone cared!! I did LOL

So I reevaluated again...and well we got back together right away, But that was over a year ago, and when we got back together it was like we never were apart..except WHOA things were different. He had just finished training for the cargo company, and since he was single before training he opted for the charter schedule...GONE 3 weeks home 1 week...OMG and he was getting minimum wage...YIKES! For a while we would travel on his week off..exotic carribean..whatever. I have the benefit of working 12 hour shifts so I get 4 days off a week that can run together and give me 8 days off...I mean I had to get super creative and it was anxiety to get the weekends off when he was home..but hey arn't we all SUPER WOMEN..I did it! Gosh guys the weeks away were stated to knaw on me..cause these guys were having a F**%$ing Blast while I was stuck here..travel dwindled cause Db would just want to be at home when he was off. I started to have those old thoughts creep in, cause again we were living together and me taking on all the financial load. We started to talk about marriage..well mostly me..lol..and he said 2007 would be our year! he just wanted to make captain here, get off charter and get a run where he can get his 1,000 hours PIC time..so he can get ready for the majors! Sounded like a great plan, right??

We started to talk about kids...honestly last few years my single mom dutues dwindled to an empty nest..I was enjoying my free time, but also felt stuck revolving my plans around Db..you know that SACRED week home..was quite the ordeal around here. He agreed we should try because I was 33 and he really wanted kids, I was scared to wait till my late 30's cause who knows how long your eggs are good KWIM! I dunno somehow we got to this place where we wanted kids, and thought we should try..so we did. for a year. Nothing. I swung back and forth on this..I would get a little scared I was infertile..but then I would say "hey wait a minute...let's do the marriage first buddy!!"..He is so anti-wedding..so I agreed to a destination wedding..Guys I am spanish and catholic..you can only imagine what this does to my mother..LOL...but hey EVEN SHE would go for a destination wedding over her daughter shacking up for years being a suga momma to a man she is not married to..lol...cause you know in our culture once you are married...well everything you go through is warranted..LOL..do I really believe that..NO but parents are old fashioned! I set down some boundries..NO KIDS till we get married...he came home early by one day...once..i must of ovulated late for the first time in over a year...we actually thought something was it wrong with us and we would address fertility in a few more years...well BAMMO that was the month I got pregnant!
He got that captain upgrade class....training has begun..So I bever went through it the first time..first couple days he is calling giving me heads up on we might have to move to alabama..WTF..you don't call your pregnant SO who is the main wage earner and tell her news like that not prepared to talk about it..KWIM.. I try to call him next day he says he is busy and he will call me back...yeah bust having a few beers playing dominoes at some pilots house for the company with woman laughter in the backround...I went NUTS...PSYCHO pregnant hormones NUTS!! Now I've been reading all your stories about how intense these trainings are...but I never read any women getting the short phone calls cause hubby has gotta socialize and play dominoes and basket ball and that is the sh*! I've been getting over here!! Maybe it was because it was the first week...I know he knows the aircraft..but JESUS..after a couple days of my smart a** remarks he blows up at me about how hard this is, and he needs to focus, and he won't let ME distract him...oh I guess dominoes is OK..anyway,,I spent last week crying..and this week I am just numb.

There is more..to say..but ladies I am gonna just start with this...I am already rambling...I have given up on calling him entirely..even on the weekend..cause If i hear he is out having fun instead of the intense SH** it is supposed to be I am gonna scream. You know I thought pilots were serious when they were working, but ever since he has flown with this company..all these guys do when they are away is party...CAPTAINS lead the pack..so what is he supposed to do stay behind in the hotel by himself?? well that is the BS excuse I have been hearing.

K...wrapping up promise..I have found that YES my insecurities are escalating...we still have no marriage plans...I am pregnant...we might have to move out of state..and I have to start my life over..oh well at least he is gonna have a 45,000/yr salary..I ahve been making six figures in california..I already know I will take a 20,000 pay cut probably..you know the money is not even the issue..I feel like I am giving and investing the FARM..and I am not getting the recipocation I deserve. I don't know if he doesn't want marriage because he wants to remain single when he is away from me..seems like all the other pilots at this company are young and single??? God my mind is running rampant..and I feel a little tricked too...why in God's name would he want to start a family if we can't get to marriage...I trusted that 2007 was gonna be our year, asn I am seeing it is just all about him and his job..and when I make complaints I get accused of not being supportive, insecure, etc. I just want to feel like his commitment matches mine..i mean these men don't make alot of money for a LONG TIME..everyone has it twisted thinking I am living high off the hog over here..but I am more scared of wasting years of my life..than my money..money has always just been there...but these years I cannot get back.

Now I have a baby to think about...and I think my confidence is good in regards to that..I was a single mom for my entire adult hood..I LOVED raising my kids...I have no fears about raising my child, I am financially sound..and I have the best huge family that is over the moon about this baby...but c'mon..this is not what I imagined..and I am trying to get things back to the middle.

Thanks for letting me vent...I do love my partner..very much I just feel things are one-sided. If anyone has any advice, and they didn't fall asleep through this I thank you in advance. Part of me feels if he moves out of state and doesn't want to marry me...maybe I should stay behind?? I am confused, alone, and if I share these things with friends or family...oh I'm gonna get the old "I TOLD YOU SO"!

Thanks guys!

[Kristie]

WOW! that's quite a story...

Why are you so willing to give the farm to go to Alabama? seems to me that your willing to jump everytime he says jump (from what i'm reading)....you're the main wage earner...if you're making the big bucks, home should be where the big bucks lie shouldn't it? when it comes to something like that, you definitely need to talk about it and he should be willing to compromise..

quite a pickle your in!! I'll agree with that!

Welcome to the site!

[jamies73]

Yes Kristie you are right!! I have been asking myself that same question....why am I SO willing to give it all up, and yet my SO doesn't even realize it. One reason is if he stays on charter we only see eachother one week a month...we both agreed we were so tired of the three weeks away. It has been almost a year and a half of that. Gosh some of you ladies talk about 3-4 days away I would be over the moon for that!! LOL! I probably could never go back to seeing him every day..I mean I could..but I love time to myself, and I watch all my chick movies when he is gone catch up with friends..and for a while I was traveling since I always get lots of time off. We have a dog now though, which he talked me into..love her to death..but ladies she has some behavior issues, and it is hard to find a babysitter..lol! Can you imagine?? At least I can take kids with me when I want to get away. Anyway yeah....I am seeing I have been far too giving, and it's time to stop. I don't think he just does these things on purpose...I feel his heart is in the right place, i just think we have to take a more honest look at the future. I would probably do anything not to have to go 3 weeks apart constantly. What bothers me alot is when he is away those three weeks..sometimes they fly 3-4 nights a week..sometimes not at all. In looking back they are always going out to bars and clubs 3-4 nights a week. I mean it started to get better depending on who his captain was, but I started to not feel good about the pattern..KWIM. I mean don't get me wrong I love my nights out with the girls when he is away...but I am not doing it 3-4 nights a week while he is away?

I just wanted time to have more of a realistic routine. I thought by being willing to move..he could get a scheduled run..be home every day off weekends..even though I will miss the ME time..I know it is borrowed time until the next level..I thought it would be time for us to bond as a family, and openly get ready for the future..you know set some goals for the kind of couple we want to be when he is gone again. Communication has just been a BIG FAT pain..with the only home one week. He hates talking on the phone...I start to feel real disconnected, and you mix that with them going out all the time..then I feel like what am I doing??

I hate to be a nag, and I am starting to feel like last week was not the time to set any ground rules down...whether he is really studying over there or playing dominoes...whatever...I don't want to be fighting while he is in training. The time for the hashing out will definately have to be saved for when he comes home..which by the way is 3 weeks away. He told me tonight..they may force him to stay on charter anyway. who knows I hate how these companies have them by the you know what..especially when they are gonna get PIC time..like what is he gonna do...quit?? start all over as an FO..so they just get screwed.

Thanks for responding...nice to meet you!

[Kristie]

[quote]

Originally Posted by jamies73

Yes Kristie you are right!! I have been asking myself that same question....why am I SO willing to give it all up, and yet my SO doesn't even realize it.

could it be because your used to the way it is and maybe if you upset the balance might give him pause to move on even with baby on the way? i dunno, i'm just guesstimating

Originally Posted by jamies73

I feel his heart is in the right place, i just think we have to take a more honest look at the future.

not just a more honest look but a more thorough, realistic look. you two have a baby on the way...he needs to start taking more responsibility. from what i'm reading, it doesn't sound like he's pulling the same weight you are. you need to get him to step up, altho i have to admit that i think (?) it's going to take slow moves on your part, such that he doesn't just run out the door...it's not something you can just demand he do right then and there. i might be wrong tho...back in the day, i had to tell my man to step up and get off the pot or i was done, simple as that. I gave him a time limit and he got smart and stepped up. we've been going good for 6 yrs now (5 married). We had dated for 8 years before i'd had enough and even that was too long. I had thought we'd just live together forever until we had kids and *then* get married, but realized the benefits of being married outweigh living in that style (again, it's not for everyone...)

Originally Posted by jamies73

I would probably do anything not to have to go 3 weeks apart constantly.

really, there's nothing YOU can do other than try to travel with him or move to one of the base cities....but if he wants to change his schedule, then he needs to do that work.

Originally Posted by jamies73

What bothers me alot is when he is away those three weeks..sometimes they fly 3-4 nights a week..sometimes not at all. In looking back they are always going out to bars and clubs 3-4 nights a week. I mean it started to get better depending on who his captain was, but I started to not feel good about the pattern..KWIM. I mean don't get me wrong I love my nights out with the girls when he is away...but I am not doing it 3-4 nights a week while he is away?

Whew! slow down.. take one issue at a time or your gonna internally combust!

If he's flying only 3 or 4 nights a week, why doesn't he come home in between? or am i just not understanding the schedule? what's he doing the other 3-4 nights out of the week?

Originally Posted by jamies73

I just wanted time to have more of a realistic routine. I thought by being willing to move..he could get a scheduled run..be home every day off weekends..even though I will miss the ME time..I know it is borrowed time until the next level..I thought it would be time for us to bond as a family, and openly get ready for the future..you know set some goals for the kind of couple we want to be when he is gone again. Communication has just been a BIG FAT pain..with the only home one week. He hates talking on the phone...I start to feel real disconnected, and you mix that with them going out all the time..then I feel like what am I doing??

ok, so if you make all the changes, what changes will he be making? sure, you could have more of a routine and be together more but at what expense? all the expenses on your plate (change of job, lifestyle etc) or will some be on his? is it not a commutable job? it sounds as though he has different bases, so why can he not commute so you both can keep the higher income and live where YOU too want to live? There has to be compromise so you will be happy too. It's not about following the company, following metal all the time, sometimes it has to be about following lifestyle, income or QOL.. it just depends on what you want...would you be happy moving to Alabama, are you willing to do whatever he wants you to do JUST to be with him? and do you *know* for sure on what HE wants or do you just *think* you do?

training is never a good time to get into anything other than training...but breaking off the communication is also not a good or wise idea. it's good to just talk, say HI for 5 minutes out of everyday (if he can) and hold off on the majority of "other"...all the "other" stuff can wait...

I apologize if i seem abrasive or too firm, i try to look at things in a realistic point of view, not adding any mush or emotional garbage, and give opinion based off that. you can take it or leave it, of course because it is ultimately your life, you have to do what's best for you and your family no matter what anyone else really says. being opened minded is what's needed when it comes to issues like these because even thinking outside the box can be beneficial, you never know when something you hadn't though of before would work perfectly for your situation!

HTH

[jamies73]

I don't think you are abrasive i actually appreciate the down to the point advice..as you can see I am all over the place with worries.

I guess I shoulda explained the charter schedule better...so the way it works he has to report to anywhere in the US on a Monday, and they are on duty 24-7 for 19 days. Meaning he cannot fly home. so if he reports to detroit on monday am..he could have a trip that night wind up in denton texas..wait for a trip 3-4 days..then get another trip..wind up in St louis..etc. Even If I wanted to go where he is on MY 4 days off..he has no way of knowing where he will be or for how long. Sometimes they sit in one place a whole week without an airplane..just waiting for a trip, but it is a very last minute thing. Basically he is their property for the 19 days, could fly morning noon or night.. this causes his sleep to be weird, so our communication is challanged. sometimes he is 2 hrs ahead..or 3..and they never come to west coast..it seems. So really I have been over accomodating because I know it is a crap schedule for both of us.

Yeah..honestly I am not afraid of him leaving me..even with a baby..I guess I just want things to work out more functional. But you are so right..it won't be over night. What I am noticing while being on this site..is that I need to continue to get back on track with my own plans. I feel I am losing myself in this whole process. He is immature when it comes to some issues..and down right selfish at times..but I know he feels he HAS to make it..AND HE IS RIGHT.I know because I see in this group that I can continue my dreams and be in my relationship. I just got off coarse.

I have been speaking with him daily..but I leave the calling up to him..as not to catch him at a busy time KWIM. I have kept my conversations upbeat, and positive, which I can tell he appreciates. Really I want him to succeed, no matter what. We are such great best friends.

I actually have been thinking of many ways to approach him about this that is constructive. He has many times been able to have the "TALK" lol...and be rational..when we are not fighting. But yeah you said it right..8 years..I know exactly how you must have been feeling..cause I do. I mean it is time. I used to be afraid that all these years would be such a waste if I didn't get to share the "life" with him when he makes it. But you ladies have given me the realness that even if we got married tomorrow if we don't make things more 50/50 we won't survive the avaition life style. I am so thankful, because I am not so focused on the future..but more in what I have going on RIGHT NOW.

I love him dearly, and I know he loves me..but really I think I will have to take a stand, and give him the ol sh#% or get off the pot..even if I gave him some sort of time frame. However I am really stepping back and looking at all options. I am certainly trying to preserve my relationship...but I am finally at the point where I have realized bigger than him dumping me even in a pregnant state, would be having a married life of turmoil, and unhappiness..I love myself and him too much to endure that. So yeas the time has come to "get real" as dr Phil would say..lol

Thanks Kristie..hope my guy steps up, time will tell!

[Kristie]

ahh your charter schedule makes sense!! I've heard of schedules like that before and you're right, they can be brutal! do you have other ways to communicate like text messaging or video chat or anything like that? After training is over, those other methods might be able to help in the meantime with staying connected (esp if your SO doesn't talk via phone often)? sometimes, you have to use every resource available just to say "hi". haha

there's nothing wrong with getting off course, it happens to all of us...the best part, is that your realizing it and your trying to put the pieces back in order (I call that "learning from your mistakes" because i too am always learning from the mistakes i make). That's a GREAT first step. I think one of the thing all of us girls advocate is making sure you still try and stick to your own plans, own hobbies, maintain the things that you know are right for you and for your future (separate from SO's). It sounds to me like you've got the gumption to get 'er done

I can tell, just between these few postings that your feeling a lot less stressed, less nervous, more centered, focused and more confident in how you'd like things to go...good for you !! that's exactly what you need...give yourself direction and a plan, take one step at a time and it'll be easy to follow through even if you do vary the road direction some.

just keep that up and you'll be just fine...training will be over in no time and then you two can get on with day to day planning.

keep us updated on how things are going, if your having a good day or bad and we'll all help you get thru day at a time! Heck, you and the other pg girls can create your own "hormones suck" thread is ya'll want! haha

and definitely check out some of the pregnancy threads.. I know we have one in announcements that lists all the upcoming due dates - you should add yours, after all, you are one of "us" now (a Jetgirl, that is)! hahahahaha <evil laff>

[Amanda]

OMFG.
Where do I begin.
I should not be posting here after I have some drinks.
I am trying not to be judgemental here so.... maybe I should just take a break and I'll come back to this post.
Good luck. Whew.

[jamies73]

Ahh drinks...did you have to rub it in ! I can't even have caffine. Well Amanda, hope you come with something good! LOL!

Actually things have gotten alot better, mainly because I have a plan. I enrolled in some courses for the fall, because I have had my plan to pursue my Nurse Pratitioner degree, and it felt good to sign up for the last 3 classes I need.

I have spoke with Db every day..he calls, but really brief because I am really trying to keep things positive, and not react on all the questions buzzing around about the future. I also put everythig in regards to relocating on his plate. For instance, I told him he would have to check with his company about insurance for me, since i cannot leave my job unless he insures me. That was a few days ago, and today he called saying he had a meeting with the office, and the lady told him he can't insure me unless we were married. Normally I would have took that opportunity to say "SEE TOLD YOU SO" but I didn't and just thanked him for checking. He said we would have to get married if I moved, yeah duh..I told him I don't know if i will move, and let's just leave this conversation for when he is done and we know what we are dealing with. He seemed shocked that I suggested I might ot move, and that i wanted to save the conversation for later. I can tell he has been thinking of things more, because each phone call includes details about our future, etc. So that feels better and more like he is thinking about the ALL of us.

He was very upset one day saying one of the chief pilots told him he may go to Santa Barbara, The Deep South of Alabama (OMG), or Huntsville Alabama, then told him don't get too comfortable cause they are gonna need him back on charter...He was soooo upset saying they need to understand his circumstances, and he has a family he needs to be there for..I actually told him "Honey I have been reading alot about families in the airline industry, and I don't think they are gonna give a sh*%!" He seemed confident he could sit down with them and get them to give him a run. Now I usually would have blown a gasket, because there were LOTS of guys that got off charter after a year or so because of their family, but I just told him be ready for anything, and we just have to make it work.

So I think I am responding differently, and maybe that gives him the clue that he better too, or he may lose me for good. I don't think that will happen....but I know one thing and you all are my witness I am NOT moving to the deep south of ALABAMA!! LOL No offense to anyone from there, I just don't think I can go from the Northern Cali bay area to that...I would rather go hang out with my cousin in ATL and he can commute..LOL which I already checked is an option! Baby steps!!

[Bigsweetie]

Hi there,

Honestly i'm sorta confused by your post. One minute you're trying for a year to get pg (not being married), then the next thing your saying "no kids before marriage" then comes a now unplanned pregnancy. When you told him "no kids before marriage" did you two discuss marriage at that time?

You said in your post that he's "anti-marriage". I don't think it's wise to force someone's hand if it's not what he wants. You'll end up in divorce court pretty darn quick IMO. I know that you've backed off now and now it seems to be "his" idea (or least he's coming around) to get married. Is it because of the baby? Or that he's afraid you won't move to be with him and he'll lose you? If it's because of either of those things, I don't recommend getting married. Those are horrible reasons to tie the knot.

And why do you want to get married? Because it would make your parents more comfortable? That's how it appears from your post. If that's the case, then you DEFINITELY shouldn't get married. You shouldn't enter into something like that because you feel it would make the family happy.

My best advice is for the two of you to sit down and talk about what you really want for your future. Don't worry about your parents, concern yourselves with each other. He shouldn't marry you just because it's what you want and not him, and you shouldn't marry him because it would make the parents happy. You two should get married (or have a commitment ceremony or whatever) because you realize that you can't live w/o each other and want to make a solid commitment to loving and supporting each other for the rest of your lives!

I apologize if my post comes off harsh, but I don't feel that I can really help you if I don't call it as I see it.

I hope that you two can talk this out and come up with something that makes BOTH of you feel happy and content. Married or not.

Good luck!! And HUGS!!!!

[Kristie]

I don't think it's wise to force someone's hand if it's not what he wants.

I guess that's not what i'm seeing out of the post.. it could certainly be part of the big picture as i see more than one fork in the road of confusion! haha

It seemed to me that he's trying to force settlement without marriage by supporting and trying for a kid for an entire year vs getting married AND getting a dog when she didn't want a dog. to me, it seems like it's two fold problem. she wants the marriage/commitment and she doesn't want him to leave (ie: getting pregnant) at the same time, he wants to stay with her (ie: getting pregnant and settling into "normalcy" by bringing a dog into the mix) without the commitment...that's a hard one to solve..if she really wanted to get married, she shouldn't have given in and settled for getting pg first..bringing a kid into the mix never solves the issue, it just makes it more complex, harder to solve.

I also feel like she's "following" and not "leading", so she'll do what he wants instead of compromising and/or picking the battles that she needs to fight in order to feel like she's a successful part of the relationship. being in a relationship, to me, means that there are two leaders who often have to compromise to get what they want out of the relationship.. not one leader, one follower type deal cuz that's not teamwork IMO.

but that's just my 0.02 and who knows if i even made any sense cuz i read my post and even i got confused.. hahaha