Guys and Gals

Skygirl · 08-30-2004, 10:55 AM

My older sister and I had a heated discussion last night about whether or not males and females can be friends? She said no and I said sure. So, what do you think?

av8rwyf · 08-30-2004, 11:37 AM

I say yes...

MQAAord · 08-30-2004, 11:42 AM

I think it depends on the male and the female in question.

If there's a 'chemistry' between the two, no matter what there will always be a tension. But if there's no chemisty, a friendship can & will work just fine with no hanky-panky.

For example my husband's 'friend' Lisa. She is a very sore topic with me, because Bill outright lied to me about the previous nature of their relationship (which occured years before I ever even met Bill). They had dated, and been physical, and he told me they had never been anything but friends. When they quit dating, he was fine to have just a friendship with her, but she always wanted more. Especially during the brief time Bill & I broke up several years ago. She wasn't too happy when he told her he was getting married. They have no contact now, not because I have been a jealous spouse saying "you can't talk to her", but because she wasn't getting what she wanted out of their 'friendship'. Which is fine with me because who needs one of their husband's exs hanging around anyway, right?

On the flip side is Bill's friend Nancy. She's a Delta pilot too, they met when they both flew for Scenic in Vegas. They've never been involved in any way other than 'buddies', and have been great friends for years. We've all (Nancy & her husband and me & Bill) gotten together and hung out many times, and we get along great.

So yes it can happen, and no it can't. It totally depends on the people!

TheWife · 08-30-2004, 12:35 PM

I don't think that MARRIED men and women should ever be intimate friends, the kind you would confide things about about problems w/ your spouse or tell "secrets" to, etc. I think if you go down that road, you are leaving yourself open to trouble. One day when you are really mad and confiding in your opposite sex friend, and you think about how "they" would never do that to you if they were your spouse, etc. and then things happen that you didn't mean to happen that probably wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been close enough to that friend in the first place. Hope that made sense. That's how me and dh feel about it. Both of us also feel it's important to avoid the appearance evil (religious thing I guess, I won't go too into that), so we would be uncomfortable with the other spouse having one on one lunches or going to movies or shopping or being on the phone with some one of the opposite sex. JMO. There are enough guy and girl friends in the world that you can stick to the same gender and still have plenty of friends.

Kristie · 08-30-2004, 01:56 PM

I agree with amber.. it depends on the "type of friendship" you have before being married or getting into a committed relationship.. some friendships can withstand the marriage principle.. most can't because of insecurities as the marriage develops over the years...

typically you find yourself finding friends of the same sex and keeping it that way just because you don't want to cause a ripple in the system. But if someone's been friends since they were young or something, then those usually pan out.

it just depends on the situation at the time and the type of friendship and whether there's any feelings or chemistry involved like Amber said...

Skygirl · 08-30-2004, 02:36 PM

I see what you gals are saying...we didnt really get into the marriage issues, since we're both single. Our conversation was more about whether or not a guy and girl can just be friends, as in always completely plutonic. She was saying that at some point one person or the other will develop feelings and have contrary intentions. This began because a lot of my current friends are pilots, who tend to be male and she doesnt think we can be 'just friends.'

Kristie · 08-30-2004, 02:56 PM

well, i think you can be.. if you always (always!) keep it platonic.. but typically, one person does develop feelings with the other because best friends are normally who get married later on in life.. so at some point, the line crosses because the excuse is "well, you won't know till you find out"....

biochemtine · 08-30-2004, 05:43 PM

I say no if either are married, I say maybe if both are single.

If married, you can be friends if and only if your spouse is friends also. So, I'm friends with Jeremy, but Eric and Jeremy are better friends and my friendship, while came first, isn't as strong nor are we ever alone.

Bigsweetie · 08-30-2004, 07:20 PM

I agree with Kristie's last post. Every guy friend i've had before my DH - I've always wondered "what would they be like as a BF?" Doesn't mean that I would act on that question, but it did cross my mind.

DH and I were completely platonic friends for two years before I/we decided to see "what he/she would be like as a BF". But DH says that he always wanted to date me - just didn't have the courage to ask - and didn't want to ruin our friendship. Once we started dating we became "best friends"... so it worked out for us.

I really think that it comes down to each individual. Some people can compartmentalize their relationships - for others its harder to do and the line can become blurred.

How's that for a non-answer?? :roll:

Smiles,

Tanya

skibum515 · 08-30-2004, 08:11 PM

I think i'm going to sway from the group here (and it may be because of my age/lack of marriage etc) but i think it is very possible that guys and girls can be purely friends. I have several very close guy friends that john knows and is friends with as well, but my friendship is much stronger with them, and i often hang out with them alone without any problems. Infact, most of my close friends are guys and there has never been any sexual tension (or otherwise) i think mainly because they all think of me as "one of the guys" These guys are very important in my life because if i'm having relationship issues with John they are usually there to tell me to calm down and that i'm over reacting (or whatever) They are very good to vent to when I need it. I have a few close female friends but I don't feel like i can talk to them in the same way i can with guys. I really feel more at ease most times talking with guys.

On the flip side of the coin, John has several female friends that I have all met and like and enjoy hanging out with and would consider my friends as well, but John's friendships with them are stronger than mine will ever be. I have no issues with him hanging out one on one with his female friends because i trust him to not do anything that would hurt me or our relationship in anyway. I think that is the biggest issue is that we trust eachother to the extent that neither of us worries about the other cheating or developing feelings or anything like that.

08-30-2004, 10:55 AM	#1 (permalink)
Skygirl Jetgirls Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 121 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Guys and Gals My older sister and I had a heated discussion last night about whether or not males and females can be friends? She said no and I said sure. So, what do you think?

08-30-2004, 11:37 AM	#2 (permalink)
av8rwyf Jetgirls Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: CLT Posts: 284 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals I say yes...

08-30-2004, 11:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
MQAAord Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: A Happy Place Posts: 668 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals I think it depends on the male and the female in question. If there's a 'chemistry' between the two, no matter what there will always be a tension. But if there's no chemisty, a friendship can & will work just fine with no hanky-panky. For example my husband's 'friend' Lisa. She is a very sore topic with me, because Bill outright lied to me about the previous nature of their relationship (which occured years before I ever even met Bill). They had dated, and been physical, and he told me they had never been anything but friends. When they quit dating, he was fine to have just a friendship with her, but she always wanted more. Especially during the brief time Bill & I broke up several years ago. She wasn't too happy when he told her he was getting married. They have no contact now, not because I have been a jealous spouse saying "you can't talk to her", but because she wasn't getting what she wanted out of their 'friendship'. Which is fine with me because who needs one of their husband's exs hanging around anyway, right? On the flip side is Bill's friend Nancy. She's a Delta pilot too, they met when they both flew for Scenic in Vegas. They've never been involved in any way other than 'buddies', and have been great friends for years. We've all (Nancy & her husband and me & Bill) gotten together and hung out many times, and we get along great. So yes it can happen, and no it can't. It totally depends on the people!

08-30-2004, 12:35 PM	#4 (permalink)
TheWife Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Utah Posts: 1,264 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals I don't think that MARRIED men and women should ever be intimate friends, the kind you would confide things about about problems w/ your spouse or tell "secrets" to, etc. I think if you go down that road, you are leaving yourself open to trouble. One day when you are really mad and confiding in your opposite sex friend, and you think about how "they" would never do that to you if they were your spouse, etc. and then things happen that you didn't mean to happen that probably wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been close enough to that friend in the first place. Hope that made sense. That's how me and dh feel about it. Both of us also feel it's important to avoid the appearance evil (religious thing I guess, I won't go too into that), so we would be uncomfortable with the other spouse having one on one lunches or going to movies or shopping or being on the phone with some one of the opposite sex. JMO. There are enough guy and girl friends in the world that you can stick to the same gender and still have plenty of friends.

08-30-2004, 01:56 PM	#5 (permalink)
Kristie Admin/Owner Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Scottsdale, Arizona Posts: 6,631 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 17 Times in 17 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals I agree with amber.. it depends on the "type of friendship" you have before being married or getting into a committed relationship.. some friendships can withstand the marriage principle.. most can't because of insecurities as the marriage develops over the years... typically you find yourself finding friends of the same sex and keeping it that way just because you don't want to cause a ripple in the system. But if someone's been friends since they were young or something, then those usually pan out. it just depends on the situation at the time and the type of friendship and whether there's any feelings or chemistry involved like Amber said...

08-30-2004, 02:36 PM	#6 (permalink)
Skygirl Jetgirls Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 121 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals I see what you gals are saying...we didnt really get into the marriage issues, since we're both single. Our conversation was more about whether or not a guy and girl can just be friends, as in always completely plutonic. She was saying that at some point one person or the other will develop feelings and have contrary intentions. This began because a lot of my current friends are pilots, who tend to be male and she doesnt think we can be 'just friends.'

08-30-2004, 02:56 PM	#7 (permalink)
Kristie Admin/Owner Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Scottsdale, Arizona Posts: 6,631 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 17 Times in 17 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals well, i think you can be.. if you always (always!) keep it platonic.. but typically, one person does develop feelings with the other because best friends are normally who get married later on in life.. so at some point, the line crosses because the excuse is "well, you won't know till you find out"....

08-30-2004, 05:43 PM	#8 (permalink)
biochemtine Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: San Francisco Bay Area Posts: 630 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals I say no if either are married, I say maybe if both are single. If married, you can be friends if and only if your spouse is friends also. So, I'm friends with Jeremy, but Eric and Jeremy are better friends and my friendship, while came first, isn't as strong nor are we ever alone.

08-30-2004, 07:20 PM	#9 (permalink)
Bigsweetie Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Clinton Township, Michigan Posts: 1,562 Recipes: Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals I agree with Kristie's last post. Every guy friend i've had before my DH - I've always wondered "what would they be like as a BF?" Doesn't mean that I would act on that question, but it did cross my mind. DH and I were completely platonic friends for two years before I/we decided to see "what he/she would be like as a BF". But DH says that he always wanted to date me - just didn't have the courage to ask - and didn't want to ruin our friendship. Once we started dating we became "best friends"... so it worked out for us. I really think that it comes down to each individual. Some people can compartmentalize their relationships - for others its harder to do and the line can become blurred. How's that for a non-answer?? :roll: Smiles, Tanya

08-30-2004, 08:11 PM	#10 (permalink)
skibum515 Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Park City Posts: 1,250 Recipes: Thanks: 2 Thanked 9 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Guys and Gals I think i'm going to sway from the group here (and it may be because of my age/lack of marriage etc) but i think it is very possible that guys and girls can be purely friends. I have several very close guy friends that john knows and is friends with as well, but my friendship is much stronger with them, and i often hang out with them alone without any problems. Infact, most of my close friends are guys and there has never been any sexual tension (or otherwise) i think mainly because they all think of me as "one of the guys" These guys are very important in my life because if i'm having relationship issues with John they are usually there to tell me to calm down and that i'm over reacting (or whatever) They are very good to vent to when I need it. I have a few close female friends but I don't feel like i can talk to them in the same way i can with guys. I really feel more at ease most times talking with guys. On the flip side of the coin, John has several female friends that I have all met and like and enjoy hanging out with and would consider my friends as well, but John's friendships with them are stronger than mine will ever be. I have no issues with him hanging out one on one with his female friends because i trust him to not do anything that would hurt me or our relationship in anyway. I think that is the biggest issue is that we trust eachother to the extent that neither of us worries about the other cheating or developing feelings or anything like that.

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