Guys and Gals

[TheWife]

Corbin says he believes that girls can feel completely plutonic towards a guy friend, but that he doesn't think it's very likely at all that any guy can have a friendship only with a girl, with out on some level wanting to take it farther, especially because guys want to be involved with some one that will be their best friend, so if he finds some one that is a great friend, and is female, he is likely desiring more.

[Barbara]

Michelle-
Interesting. I think we should all ask our dh's (boyfriends, etc) and get their take on it, and report back. Did we talk about this once before here?

[Skygirl]

I second what skibum said! Is it a coincidence that she and I have such similiar beliefs and are both single/younger?

[Kristie]

[quote:d8bb079f93="TheWife"]Corbin says he believes that girls can feel completely plutonic towards a guy friend, but that he doesn't think it's very likely at all that any guy can have a friendship only with a girl, with out on some level wanting to take it farther, especially because guys want to be involved with some one that will be their best friend, so if he finds some one that is a great friend, and is female, he is likely desiring more.[/quote:d8bb079f93]Doug feels the same way.. girls have an easier time staying "just friends" whereas guys usually think with their lower extremeties! hahaha

[TheWife]

[quote:dd8243104f="Barbara"]Michelle-
Interesting. I think we should all ask our dh's (boyfriends, etc) and get their take on it, and report back. Did we talk about this once before here?[/quote:dd8243104f]

I agree--what do your dh's think? I have talked to some other guys about this before and some said <defensivley> that guys and girls could be friends, and not surprisingly those are the ones I would first suspect of cheating, not because they are bad guys, I just recognize that they don't grasp some bounderies, so it didn't surprise me that they would be the type to convince their wives/GF that so and so is 'ONLY a friend" but I could see it turning in to more...I hope that made any sense, my thoughts lately have been harder to put into the words I want for some reason. Oh and I think we have talked about this or something similar a long time ago when I first joined, it would be interesting to look up. I believe I even posted about a friend of dh's that I lived with that was a guy.

And I don't think it's a coincidence that our young single gals are a little more casual about it then us married girls. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Kristie]

I think sometimes it's the switchover from single to committed that makes us chnge in that sense - not wanting to test those boundaries knowing that guys primary response (most of the time) is to get into your pants! it's amazing what you learn as you continue to grow older!

I do have one story that actually occured while doug and I were dating (i was in college still)... i had this guy friend who i told i was in a committed relationship and he said "cool", so we just hung out all the time, talked on the phone etc.. well, one day, he said he really liked me a lot and couldn't figure out why i was staying committed to this hoser that lived all the way on the other side of the country...so anyway, he tried the moves anyway and i had to end the relationship (I almost lost doug because of that)...

i've actually had one other friendship with a guy but even way back then, i KNEW he liked me (since the beginning of college)... to this day, he still likes me, but is married and moving on with his life.. we kinda sorta keep in touch (altho his wife doesn't like it because i hardly hear from him anymore)...he understood the boundaries and the feelings i had for doug but because he really valued my friendship over everything, he kept the boundary lines real...he's the ONLY guy i know that kept the boundaries so we could stay friends....really - that's just the only way it can work out... as long as guys understand the boundaries, it'll work....

college was fun... but it's just not worth it to be testing those boundaries....

[TheWife]

Ok I found where we had talked about this before, here is the thread: http://www.fcapa.org/phpBB2/viewtopi...ght=friend#481 and here is what I had said at that time, pretty similar to what I said on this one.

"Well that statement was made with the follow up that sure there are friends like your friends dh's you could be friends with. But an exclusive friendship of the opposite gender I do not condone. There is no reason for my dh to have a female friend that he calls to confide in, that he goes out to lunch with, that he goes shopping with and to movies and talks about intimate problems with. That is what your spouse and same gender friends are for. So to me, an exclusive friend of the opposite sex is a big red no no. Maybe I am just mean or something, but that will not be ok with me, EVER. ESPECIALLY not a SECRET female friend ship!!

What I mean by there is always the male female thing going on-I can't imagine a situation in which you would have a male friend that you confide and tell secrets to and share your intimate feelings with, some one who is there for your because your spouse isn't---and NEVER, not once, be opening your self up to making a connection. It's always a possiblity, whether you start out that way or not, unless one of you is gay. So I say don't don't test it. No friends of the opposite sex, except "buddies" and "couples" that you have over for dinner, etc. AND, whether you agree with me or not, IF your spouse is ever uncomfortable with a relationship you have with some one else, you need to respect your spouses feelings and work it out. I know a woman who had a male co-worker friend that she'd go out to lunch with. It started out casual, she had no interest in him at all. Her dh was very uncomfortable with this relationship but she felt like she had the right to have a plutonic friend ship. I felt like the spouse's comfort and trust was more important then her lunch dates. Turns out the co-worker was madly in love with her, and thought she was in to him to, he thought she'd been leading him on with what she said was harmless flirting. That's just a problem you don't need to have, so don't test your self. Just don't have friends like that, that you are opening up possibilities with. JMO."

[roz]

[quote:c72b24d481="MQAAord"]I think it depends on the male and the female in question.

If there's a 'chemistry' between the two, no matter what there will always be a tension. But if there's no chemisty, a friendship can & will work just fine with no hanky-panky.

For example my husband's 'friend' Lisa. She is a very sore topic with me, because Bill outright lied to me about the previous nature of their relationship (which occured years before I ever even met Bill). They had dated, and been physical, and he told me they had never been anything but friends. When they quit dating, he was fine to have just a friendship with her, but she always wanted more. Especially during the brief time Bill & I broke up several years ago. She wasn't too happy when he told her he was getting married. They have no contact now, not because I have been a jealous spouse saying "you can't talk to her", but because she wasn't getting what she wanted out of their 'friendship'. Which is fine with me because who needs one of their husband's exs hanging around anyway, right?

On the flip side is Bill's friend Nancy. She's a Delta pilot too, they met when they both flew for Scenic in Vegas. They've never been involved in any way other than 'buddies', and have been great friends for years. We've all (Nancy & her husband and me & Bill) gotten together and hung out many times, and we get along great.

So yes it can happen, and no it can't. It totally depends on the people![/quote:c72b24d481]

You don't have to be the jealous spouse to insist that your spouse not continue a relationship with a former lover. That is totally out of the question, imho. TOTALLY!!!!

Charlie says he has had female friends. When I question him about the exent of their relatioship, it appears to be acquaintance rather than friendship. I asked him about this again this night (the poor boy is stuck in FLL at the pool). He confirmed that he feels it's true. But my observation is that guys don't tend to talk among each other about their feelings. Most don't even ask what the other is thinking, what is going on in their lives, etc. So, if a female is doing that--it brings the relationship to a new level. That is where it can become dangerous.

I'm not explaining this well--but I have to be up driving in 5 hours! Night all!

[skibum515]

So, ok I have a question for you guys who don't think that guys and gals can just be friends...what if the friendship was inplace before the relationship? I also agree with Michelle, that having secret friends or exclusive friends is bad - I like to meet and hang out with all of Johns female friends a few times just to get a read on them. If i was (or he was) really uncomfortable with a friend of his (mine) of either sex, I think john would take my opinion to heart and pay attention to what i was saying. I know he values our relationship over his frienships.


JOhn ran out for a bit so i'll ask him what he thinks when he gets back

[momof5]

I don't have much to add. Michelle's post are right on the mark. An intimate friendship, a few drinks in a far away hotel and lines can get crossed that shouldn't.