Help me understand

[Jetboyblue]

I know that this is hard for him too. But he isn't the kind of person that is easily able to display their emotions. He is really closed off emotionally and isn't the kind of person that tells you what's on their mind and what he's feeling or going through or worried about.

I hate that it's always me being the one who needs the support or the words of encouragement. I hate being the one who always seems like the downer in the relationship.

We agreed to email each other every day. So far he hasn't been able to do that. And I know it hasn't been because he hasn't had time. He just hasn't. He emails every now and then and we do get to talk for at least a minute a day. For me that's good enough most of the time. But if I'm having a rough day I need more than that.

Last night he realized that. After he called me back and we talked and I went to bed...he wrote me an email. Just I read this morning when I woke up. I know he loves me and he's doing the best he can. The things he said made me feel good about myself and us.

I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I've been sending him cards and treats to his hotel...emailing every day.

If he IS having a rough time if training IS hard for him or stressful he won't tell me, he won't voice it. It's always been like that with him. I hope that he hasn't gotten so conditioned to me being the "needy one" that he feels like he has to hold it all back so he can just focus on me. I don't want it to be like that.

[czechmate]

All men are that way - regardless of their age or position in their career.

Right now, take care of you. Spend time with your friends, go out to dinner - do something fun just for you. Volunteer your time to someone or something to take your mind off of him being gone.

If he calls for 3 minutes or e-mails once a day, be happy he was able to have the time to do that. Training is intense. But it doesn't last forever. Be forwarned - he will have recurrent training every year, upgrade training and then if and when he moves on - initial training all over again.

My college professor came into class one day and announced that her husband of 27 yrs left her the night before. She explained to us that everyone should live their life like a pie - slices of all equal size. So when one day when 1 slice decides to get divorced, dies, move out - it's only 1 slice. And it's not 3/4 of the pie.....
I try to live by this everyday. My dh is one slice, my kids, my family, my job, etc.

Be strong - it will be over soon.

Jen

[Jetboyblue]

Originally Posted by czechmate

All men are that way - regardless of their age or position in their career.

Right now, take care of you. Spend time with your friends, go out to dinner - do something fun just for you. Volunteer your time to someone or something to take your mind off of him being gone.

If he calls for 3 minutes or e-mails once a day, be happy he was able to have the time to do that. Training is intense. But it doesn't last forever. Be forwarned - he will have recurrent training every year, upgrade training and then if and when he moves on - initial training all over again.

My college professor came into class one day and announced that her husband of 27 yrs left her the night before. She explained to us that everyone should live their life like a pie - slices of all equal size. So when one day when 1 slice decides to get divorced, dies, move out - it's only 1 slice. And it's not 3/4 of the pie.....
I try to live by this everyday. My dh is one slice, my kids, my family, my job, etc.

Be strong - it will be over soon.

Jen

I've been in therapy for quite a few years. My therapist has been talking about what you are saying with the pie. Your husband or boyfriend being only one part of your life. Not necessarily needing a relationship because you need it but wanting one because you want it.

Having yourself separate your boyfriend separate and then you together.

I've figured out it'll be hard. I'll be okay.

Thanks everyone for your advice I really appreciate it!

[czechmate]

If you ever want to talk - let me know! Everything will be fine.
Anyway, us Indiana folk have to stick together. (I'm from Ft Wayne)

[ccbegay]

Oh I feel for you bud...I'll be honest, I have had those moments, but each time I just try to look at the positive outcome of it all...it is long, hard, and difficult, but I think when it is all done, it is well worth it...just be strong, stay productive, supportive, and remember and cherish all the memories that ya'll hold...

[jr_lenz]

my DH is in trianing too. It has been hard. the first stent that lasted 3 weeks, were really hard on me. I cried alot too. I don't really know why this was different, we have been communting for years now. I was feeling alot like you, upset with the three minute phone calls, then feeling guilty that I was being needed. And he flat out told me, I can't help you right now, I can't fail. You HAVE to get through this. And I pulled through, thank god for friends that I have met on this website, and for close friends here at home. Training is hard, hard, hard. But it isn't for the rest of your life, grin and bear it, do what ever you have to do to get through it. And vent to us or a friend that helps keep the burdon off him. I am on the second have of training, we are in the sims, and things are much better this time around. Hang in there, you aren't alone. There are lots of us going through this, and the others on this website have been through it and made it. No real words of advice, but you are a stronger than you think, and if your pilot didn't think you were up to the task of being his partner, he wouldn't have asked you along for the ride. He believes in you, so believe in yourself.

[mcmuffinpilot]

these comments I'm reading are scary me I must admit , but at the same time what an encouragement to read all of these comments ! My DH is leaving for training in a couple of weeks in Houston TX a 24 hour drive and plane tickets aren't free yet. He'll even be in training during his birthday. I know I need to expect the worst during that month and a half, but I'm a very emotional person as well.
I only want to be as supportive as I know how to be....currently I've been quizzing him on his flows and memorizing chart work with him. He's an amazing person and has become my best friend, I hate to lose that now.
I don't plan to contact him , unless in an emergency , but I'll still have those urges to.
What doesn't kill us , makes us stronger !

[SeatClutcher]

I love the pie analogy!

[amelia]

I know its hard. The times DH has been in training has been pretty hard. This last time he was in training was for upgrade. This was his 3rd time through training for the CRJ. I spent 2 weeks with him in SLC during his training. Even with me there, he didn't have much time for me. He was gone from 8am to about 4 or 5pm and then he had to study, study, study and then work with his sim partner for a few hours. It was hard being pregnant and trying to entertain our 18mo in a hotel room with him being so busy. The only time we spent as a family was during dinner. Then, once I went home, we only talked for a short time everyday. I'm sure its a lot harder when they are in training for a plane they have never flown....DH had been on the CRJ for 5.5 years when he was in upgrade training. He was busy leaning all the left seat stuff for the first time. It was hard, but I knew he had to really focus on training in order to get through it all.

It will just take time and patience to get through training. He will greatly appreciate you being there for him through all of this. Its a hard time for him as well...no only for training, but b/c he can't be with you/talk to you all the time. Feel free to vent to us, we will all understand. Hopefully we can all be a good support base for you as you are a good support base for you SO! (((hugs)))

[Erin]

Hi there,
I thought I would chime in as XJT wife seniority #129. Gosh, has it been that long? So, I'm not exactly in your shoes, but I've been there and walked that 8 week ordeal!

Initial training was a real drag, especially back then (very early 1997). Living in Seattle and him based in Newark was also a drag. We had been married almost 10 years at that point, and had never spent a night apart. It was scary, financially draining and pretty lonely. We were fortunate to have a few old grizzled captains in our life, along with their wives, who could give us good advice, which we took, stuck to and it helped enormously. One of the pieces of advice I received, and will pass along, is to make sure you (the one left behind) never give in to that feeling of being "left behind". That was one of my biggest worries, that feeling. You see, Tom and I had flown 1000 hours together in our own plane in pursuit of that first job. I was accustomed to going along, being included and even getting to fly. I learned very quickly that he really will have a separate slice of life from me, and I would have one as well. I chose to have fun with mine, to try new things that we likely wouldn't do together. After ten years with him, there really WERE things I gave up. Just like him. We made a pact to miss each other but (try) not be lonely. Its worked for us. Cell phones have made an incredible difference. Even if its only for a few minutes...

Another piece of advice is to get into a routine now, with an eye toward him having a crazy schedule in the near future. I always think of my week as a "4 day" or a "3 day" or, God forbid, a "day trip". I have a fairly set routine depending on how many days he is gone. It helps give some organization to my side of life, and keeps me busy and somewhat distracted to his absence.

Its early in the game, so practice now for the future. The only thing we haven't been able to overcome is the occasional arguement that goes something like this (seeing the trailer to a new movie that's been out for a few weeks):

Tom: "Wow, wasn't that a great flick?"
Me: "I don't know, I haven't seen it"
Tom: "What are you talking about? We saw it last week"
Me: "Sorry, hon, I've never seen it"
Tom: "Well, I remember seeing it with someone....."
Me: "Wasn't me..."
Tom: "Are you SURE?"
Me: (hands on hips) "You are retarded...."
and so on, and so forth. Now we just laugh...

There, now you're 10 minutes closer to him being done.

Take care, you can do it!

Erin