problem

Mistress Trista · 01-04-2008, 11:19 AM

My husband's brother is gay. My boys know and understand, my daughter, who's 6, doesn't yet. Anyway, he wants to come up in April with my husband's sister and stay with us for a week, but he also wants to bring his boyfriend. This is the first time he's done this. I haven't met him, but from everything I've heard about the guy, he's a moocher. But my other problem is my 6 year old daughter. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to explain why her uncle might be kissing another man if she happened to catch them.

My husband feels the same way and said no. Now his brother is pissed off at him. His sister is also pissed saying you may not like him, (My husband has met him and think's he's obnoxious) but he's part of your brother's life therefor you must accept him. Okay, but what about our little girl?

I don't know. I'm not sure what to do here. Any advice?

Brenda · 01-04-2008, 11:30 AM

I can totally understand what you are talking about.
Could you possibly talk to your bil and tell him that you aren't ready to explain, nor feel that your daughter is ready to understand what being gay is? Tell him that he can visit, but NO physical contact with lover in front of ANY children will be allowed?
You would think he'd understand your wishes.????

Regina · 01-04-2008, 11:43 AM

Trista,

That is a tough situation. I do feel like it is your house, and they need to respect your wishes, whatever it may be. I am assumming that you are okay with the homosexuality thing, and that it just might be the possible affection that is shown? If you are wanting him to visit, and you don't mind the whole gay relationship, you could politely ask if he could just not be affectionate during his trip and explain that it is because you are not ready to explain his relationship to your daughter...? You never know, he could be very understanding of this.

SeatClutcher · 01-04-2008, 01:29 PM

If you don't have a problem with homosexuality, I don't know why explaining one man kissing another would be any more confusing than explaining sexual behavior between a man and a woman. Sex is sex, if you're not bothered by homosexuality, and explaining something to your kids in a way that doesn't treat it as an abnormality or aberration pretty much ensures they'll grow up knowing it's just one of those things people do, and that it's no big deal. (Do you worry about them catching a heterosexual couple stealing a kiss in the hallway?)

If you are bothered by homosexuality, then it's understandable you wouldn't want your kids to see it...and, in that case, I would have no idea what to say to you about how to handle it with your kids - I just think teaching them things are "weird" makes them think things are "weird."

BAC · 01-04-2008, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

I just think teaching them things are "weird" makes them think things are "weird."

I will have to agree with this. Homosexuality will always have a stigma if it is treated like a dirty secret or that people who are gay are 'bad'.

But I understand how it is a little bit of a dilema for you. It must be difficult having your children emerge from complete innocence to "knowing stuff" about life. I think it will be tough for me too.. but it is unavoidable...

katherine2473 · 01-04-2008, 03:03 PM

Depends on your views on the same sex stuff. I would assume, given the day job, that you're pretty liberal?! I wouldn't have thought seeing 2 men show affection would be a big deal for a 6 year old (my 7 year old god daughter is in the stage of wanting to marry her best mate at the moment!) unless she's already being taught or picking up that that is 'weird' or 'wrong'. If you don't want anything more than affection being shown, that's fine, it's your house, your rules (although, honestly, would you think of saying anything to a straight couple??). For myself, I would think it would be a good thing - her first understanding of homosexuality would be as a positive one (2 people who care for each other who just happen to be men) rather than the bigoted stereotypes that still seem to be so prevalent, but maybe that's just me.

spotty4 · 01-04-2008, 03:14 PM

I am not a mother, so maybe I'd react differently if that were the case. But given my present situation, if I were you, I'd do nothing different. I'd let my bro-in-law come w/ his boyfriend. Like others have stated, making it into a big deal will tip off your daughter to something being wrong or strange. If you all just play it cool and behave as you would otherwise, there should be no negative impact on her.

Gay or straight, if a couple exhibits affection beyond what is appropriate for a young girl, then it should be addressed. I would hope your bro-in-law and his boyfriend are aware of this. If not, at that point I'd address them about appropriate behavior in front of your daughter. Otherwise, hugs and kisses shared b/t 2 consenting adults probably won't phase her.

the_woman_99 · 01-04-2008, 04:08 PM

I think that you have every right to not want him there. I think that it is up to you on when you want to share the difference with your daughter about the BIL.

I am sorry that it is causing problems but it looks like you and the husband are on the same page. I don't think that you aren't accepting them like his sister said but you don't want to have to explain that to your daughter yet and I don't think that there is anything worng with that.

Just my .02

lucky81698 · 01-04-2008, 04:16 PM

I have to agree with Danielle. If you and your husband do not feel comfortable with this person (who your husband has met and does not care for because he is obnoxious) in your own house, then that is fine. You have to do what is comfortable and what you feel is right, for you and your family. If you don't feel it is appropriate to have to explain the situation to a 6 year old, that is your decision, no one else's. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Jan

Mistress Trista · 01-04-2008, 04:32 PM

I don't have a problem with the homosexual thing at all. If that's what makes someone happy, then that's fine. I don't even have trouble with same sex affection in front of me and I've never told my boys that it's something weird. They love their uncle and accept him for what he is. I think it's just, she's my only girl. I'm just not ready to expose her to that yet. Plus there's the fact that my dh just flat out doesn't like the guy.

He's rude, obnoxious and would not think twice about telling someone.."you're wearing that?? It makes you look fat" or "God woman, ever heard of weight watchers?"

If he said that to me, I'd have no problem with smacking him upside the head with a skillet, then smacking my bil for being stupid enough to date someone like that.

If they come, I want them to come the week I'm at the Romantic Times Convention so I don't have to deal with him....<Sigh>

01-04-2008, 11:19 AM	#1 (permalink)
Mistress Trista Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Monterey, Tn Posts: 521 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	problem My husband's brother is gay. My boys know and understand, my daughter, who's 6, doesn't yet. Anyway, he wants to come up in April with my husband's sister and stay with us for a week, but he also wants to bring his boyfriend. This is the first time he's done this. I haven't met him, but from everything I've heard about the guy, he's a moocher. But my other problem is my 6 year old daughter. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to explain why her uncle might be kissing another man if she happened to catch them. My husband feels the same way and said no. Now his brother is pissed off at him. His sister is also pissed saying you may not like him, (My husband has met him and think's he's obnoxious) but he's part of your brother's life therefor you must accept him. Okay, but what about our little girl? I don't know. I'm not sure what to do here. Any advice? __________________ I tried to be good...but I got bored.

01-04-2008, 11:30 AM	#2 (permalink)
Brenda Jetgirls Plus Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: EVV Posts: 1,180 Recipes: Thanks: 11 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: problem I can totally understand what you are talking about. Could you possibly talk to your bil and tell him that you aren't ready to explain, nor feel that your daughter is ready to understand what being gay is? Tell him that he can visit, but NO physical contact with lover in front of ANY children will be allowed? You would think he'd understand your wishes.???? __________________ - Brenda, wife to Eric, Capt for Shuttle America.

01-04-2008, 11:43 AM	#3 (permalink)
Regina Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern state Posts: 927 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts	Re: problem Trista, That is a tough situation. I do feel like it is your house, and they need to respect your wishes, whatever it may be. I am assumming that you are okay with the homosexuality thing, and that it just might be the possible affection that is shown? If you are wanting him to visit, and you don't mind the whole gay relationship, you could politely ask if he could just not be affectionate during his trip and explain that it is because you are not ready to explain his relationship to your daughter...? You never know, he could be very understanding of this.

01-04-2008, 01:29 PM	#4 (permalink)
SeatClutcher Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Manchester, CT Posts: 877 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts	Re: problem If you don't have a problem with homosexuality, I don't know why explaining one man kissing another would be any more confusing than explaining sexual behavior between a man and a woman. Sex is sex, if you're not bothered by homosexuality, and explaining something to your kids in a way that doesn't treat it as an abnormality or aberration pretty much ensures they'll grow up knowing it's just one of those things people do, and that it's no big deal. (Do you worry about them catching a heterosexual couple stealing a kiss in the hallway?) If you are bothered by homosexuality, then it's understandable you wouldn't want your kids to see it...and, in that case, I would have no idea what to say to you about how to handle it with your kids - I just think teaching them things are "weird" makes them think things are "weird." __________________ Blog: Reasons to miss New England "Freedom of choice isn't the same thing as being pro-choice." - said by a voter at the RNC

01-04-2008, 03:03 PM	#6 (permalink)
katherine2473 Jetgirls Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: London! Posts: 212 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: problem Depends on your views on the same sex stuff. I would assume, given the day job, that you're pretty liberal?! I wouldn't have thought seeing 2 men show affection would be a big deal for a 6 year old (my 7 year old god daughter is in the stage of wanting to marry her best mate at the moment!) unless she's already being taught or picking up that that is 'weird' or 'wrong'. If you don't want anything more than affection being shown, that's fine, it's your house, your rules (although, honestly, would you think of saying anything to a straight couple??). For myself, I would think it would be a good thing - her first understanding of homosexuality would be as a positive one (2 people who care for each other who just happen to be men) rather than the bigoted stereotypes that still seem to be so prevalent, but maybe that's just me.

01-04-2008, 03:14 PM	#7 (permalink)
spotty4 Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Central Coast California Posts: 1,007 Recipes: Thanks: 8 Thanked 10 Times in 10 Posts	Re: problem I am not a mother, so maybe I'd react differently if that were the case. But given my present situation, if I were you, I'd do nothing different. I'd let my bro-in-law come w/ his boyfriend. Like others have stated, making it into a big deal will tip off your daughter to something being wrong or strange. If you all just play it cool and behave as you would otherwise, there should be no negative impact on her. Gay or straight, if a couple exhibits affection beyond what is appropriate for a young girl, then it should be addressed. I would hope your bro-in-law and his boyfriend are aware of this. If not, at that point I'd address them about appropriate behavior in front of your daughter. Otherwise, hugs and kisses shared b/t 2 consenting adults probably won't phase her. __________________ http://shelleypotts.com

01-04-2008, 04:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
the_woman_99 Jetgirls Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: PA Posts: 390 Recipes: Thanks: 2 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Re: problem I think that you have every right to not want him there. I think that it is up to you on when you want to share the difference with your daughter about the BIL. I am sorry that it is causing problems but it looks like you and the husband are on the same page. I don't think that you aren't accepting them like his sister said but you don't want to have to explain that to your daughter yet and I don't think that there is anything worng with that. Just my .02 __________________ Danielle http://danielleandmarshall.blogspot.com/

01-04-2008, 04:16 PM	#9 (permalink)
lucky81698 Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: 1 Posts: 856 Recipes: Thanks: 1 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: problem I have to agree with Danielle. If you and your husband do not feel comfortable with this person (who your husband has met and does not care for because he is obnoxious) in your own house, then that is fine. You have to do what is comfortable and what you feel is right, for you and your family. If you don't feel it is appropriate to have to explain the situation to a 6 year old, that is your decision, no one else's. I don't see anything wrong with that. Jan

01-04-2008, 04:32 PM	#10 (permalink)
Mistress Trista Jetgirls Ol' School Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Monterey, Tn Posts: 521 Recipes: Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: problem I don't have a problem with the homosexual thing at all. If that's what makes someone happy, then that's fine. I don't even have trouble with same sex affection in front of me and I've never told my boys that it's something weird. They love their uncle and accept him for what he is. I think it's just, she's my only girl. I'm just not ready to expose her to that yet. Plus there's the fact that my dh just flat out doesn't like the guy. He's rude, obnoxious and would not think twice about telling someone.."you're wearing that?? It makes you look fat" or "God woman, ever heard of weight watchers?" If he said that to me, I'd have no problem with smacking him upside the head with a skillet, then smacking my bil for being stupid enough to date someone like that. If they come, I want them to come the week I'm at the Romantic Times Convention so I don't have to deal with him....<Sigh> __________________ I tried to be good...but I got bored.

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