Help....

[Regina]

My mother-in-law comes over tonight and sits down to talk. She tells me that she has been on a heart monitor for the last 24 hours because she has been having heart arithmia (sp. ?). She is about 76 years old. She said she has been having problems for awhile, but she told a friend that ended up telling her daughter. The daughter obviously told her to go into the doc office, which she followed the advice...therefore, the heart monitor. I started asking questions, and she goes on to tell me that there is cardiac problems in their family and that her mom died of cardiac failure. I thought it was old age because she lived until she was in her early 90's.

So, here's the part I need advice: she asked me not to tell my hubby, her son. What am I suppose to do? This is pretty serious for me not to tell him. What do I do?

[Dana]

Why does she not want your husband, her son, to know?

[Kristie]

exactly! seems to me that he should know.

[Mistress Trista]

I agree. I think he should know too. I've been on a 24 hour heart monitor before for PAC's and PVC's. The monitors are quite common. Does she not want her son to know she's on a heart monitor or that she's having heart problems?

[Regina]

She doesn't want to worry him; so to me, that means that there is something to get worried about...and for her to tell me about it, I think she is possibly worried too. Although, she did say that they haven't called her back with the results, so it can't be too troublesome.

I don't know if she wants to prepare me because we live next door, and me or one of the kids goes to check on her every morning if her garage door isn't up...? She just needed someone to talk to, or she is trying to see how we would take things.

Dana, her hand shakes too and she is becoming unsteady standing up. I notice that she leans on things if she is standing. Like I mentioned, she is older (76), so I don't know if this is normal or what. I worked in the assisted living part of a nursing home for over 5 years, and I can't recall too many people doing this, but it might be that I just didn't notice. She is constantly keeping herself busy and running errands for everyone...too busy, if you ask me and my hubby. She seems to run herself down because she has a fear of being a burden.

Anywho, I wasn't going to tell my husband until he comes home, but I feel awful about keeping things from him. What if something happens and I didn't tell him? I don't like keeping things from him, especially something big like this, and about his mom.

What would you guys do if put in the same situation?

[katbuad]

Ouch. Besides the questions of why she doesn't want him to know. . . no way would I ever keep something like that from my husband about his mom. First you and he are a team. Second, God forbid, what if something did happen to his mom. He has a right to be prepared and you don't need that guilt in your future life. That is not right that she would ask you to keep something like that from him. Tell her that you are going to tell him, as a heads up, and tell him.

Also my grandmother has heart arithermies (sp??). Her's is abnormal heart patters including the heart forgets to beat. She wears a pace maker to requlate the pattern and keep it going and has done very well with it for many years.

[Regina]

Oh-yeah, this is the same person that drove herself to the hospital in the middle of the night instead of waking up her 2 college sons (one being my hubby--boyfriend at the time). She had surgery (can't remember what, something g.i. related), and according to my hubby, almost died. The hospital was only a block or 2 away, but still....she is very stubborn and doesn't typically say too much about medical things. She and I both get bad migraines, so she does talk to me about those, since I can relate. But as far as medical things about herself...it is very hush, hush..even with her family.

Oh, and the other son that I mentioned does go balistic and is very dramatic about things, so I can understand why she doesn't want him to know, but my husband is very logical and down to earth about things. He stays calm and neither him or his mom is scarred about dying or anything like that.

She has also told me things in the past year about where the will is, how her trusts are set up, how and where she wants to be buried (she bought or put a down payment on a casket, and has had burial plot since her husband died over 17 years ago), who she wants certain items of her antiques to go to, how she wants things handled, etc. At the time, I thought she was just trying to have the basis covered, now I am uncertain what to think.

She started crying just a few days ago when we got news about my son's medical condition deteriating, and usually, she stays pretty strong for my sake about that, but this time, she couldn't seem to handle it. I don't know what is going on...?

[Dana]

Originally Posted by Regina

Dana, her hand shakes too and she is becoming unsteady standing up. I notice that she leans on things if she is standing. Like I mentioned, she is older (76), so I don't know if this is normal or what. I worked in the assisted living part of a nursing home for over 5 years, and I can't recall too many people doing this, but it might be that I just didn't notice. She is constantly keeping herself busy and running errands for everyone...too busy, if you ask me and my hubby. She seems to run herself down because she has a fear of being a burden.

Anywho, I wasn't going to tell my husband until he comes home, but I feel awful about keeping things from him. What if something happens and I didn't tell him? I don't like keeping things from him, especially something big like this, and about his mom.

What would you guys do if put in the same situation?

Arrhythmia's are very common especially in older folks. It will depend on WHAT type of irregularity she is having. Slowing down of the heart, irregular beats, extra beats, fast beats, too many beats, etc. The monitor will tell all that.
She may be unsteady when she gets up due to the heart beats/ rhythm, as we get older, our body does not compensate as well and we are not able to maintain our blood pressure as well, maybe she is getting dizzy and just not telling you....
Maybe she is staying busy also because she is afraid that if she slows down, that will be the end for her and she is trying to stay busy and/or not be a burden to others.

IF it were me, I would tell my husband. She has to know you well enough that if she told you, you would want to tell him. Maybe she really, deep in her heart, wants YOU to be the one to tell him. He has a right to know.

The results will give the doc's direction on treatment. As I stated above, Arrhythmias are VERY common and there are not many of these that we can not successfully treat with meds, pacemakers or both.
Do let us know what happens
Dana

[Dana]

Originally Posted by Regina

Oh-yeah, this is the same person that drove herself to the hospital in the middle of the night instead of waking up her 2 college sons (one being my hubby--boyfriend at the time). She had surgery (can't remember what, something g.i. related), and according to my hubby, almost died. The hospital was only a block or 2 away, but still....she is very stubborn and doesn't typically say too much about medical things. She and I both get bad migraines, so she does talk to me about those, since I can relate. But as far as medical things about herself...it is very hush, hush..even with her family.
Keep in mind this generation is very stoic. Especially if her husband has been gone for 17+ years she is trying to keep her independence.


She has also told me things in the past year about where the will is, how her trusts are set up, how and where she wants to be buried (she bought or put a down payment on a casket, and has had burial plot since her husband died over 17 years ago), who she wants certain items of her antiques to go to, how she wants things handled, etc. At the time, I thought she was just trying to have the basis covered, now I am uncertain what to think.
At 75-76 years, she knows that she is not getting younger. I think she is being very responsible by telling you all this info. It also shows that she thinks a great deal of YOU or she would not feel compelled to tell YOU this info. She would tell someone else or wright it all down for you all to find when "the time arose".

She started crying just a few days ago when we got news about my son's medical condition deteriating, and usually, she stays pretty strong for my sake about that, but this time, she couldn't seem to handle it. I don't know what is going on...?

From what little you have said about her, she is probably feeling vulnerable about her own life and situation and may find it more difficult to think about your sons health deteriorating as well as her own, that may all fit together with her "not wanting to burden your husband" right now....??

[Kristie]

good thoughts Dana!!

maybe it would help her feel more calm if you and hubby arranged for an appt with her and her doctor..then everyone could be in on just how common this type of medical condition is and it would help her adjust to the situation.

Her having someone (other family) to lean on and give her some comfort will help her get thru this so i really do think it's important for your DH to know... plus, if she gets mad, it'll be short lived as she starts to depend on you more and more. she knows or will know that your only trying to be more of a benefit to her by telling DH and she knows he really *should* be in on the whole deal esp if he's the logical, head of household type. he'll be able to help take the fear out of her hands (since he is her son).

our mortality is scary...the more we age, the more nervous we get about it.

knowing that your son is also having more problems probably makes her feel as though she can't really go to you for help simply because you have your own problems to deal with (why would she want to put more burden on you? type thoughts)...her crying could be a symptom of both feeling sad for the child as well as feeling sad for herself because she probably feels like she technically has *nobody* she can absolutely rely on...ever have that feeling? it's a pretty common feeling when you feel things caving in and don't have control over a particular situation...the feeling is only one sided (her side) because you know that you *can* help her, so all she probably needs is reassurance that you can help her when she is in need. it's part of that whole self-esteem thing too esp when you don't want to burden anyone but at some point, litterally, have no choice.

it took too much for my dad to finally admit he needed my help..now he has to live with his consequences but that was his choice..at some point, the roles need to reverse and the sooner/quicker they do, the less painful they are. i still let my dad live his life, but i help him make more of the important decisions and directional strategies since he can no longer handle it.

I would wait till your DH gets home though...it's better talking about medical conditions in person vs on the phone...on the phone, you can only hear tone but not see the calmness in facial features kwim?!