please help me understand

[Regina]

I hope no one takes offense to this, but i am asking becuase i know many of you are animal lovers and i thought you might shed dome light on the situation; and just maybe, i will understand more.

My mom and dad have a dog; i can't stand the dog...not because of the dog, but because of how they treat it...as though it is human. They were complaining to me about how they couldn't afford anything because of their limited budget, but went out and bought this dog that was over 500 dollars. When i say they were complaining about not affording stuff, i mean they were talking about not being able to afford milk and pay bills. So, here they go buy this expensive dog that they buy speciality type food for, vitamins, special toys, etc. They feed the dog twice a day this food that costs at least a few dollars a day. My parents are semi-retired...meaning they have full time jobs driving buses, but are retired from my dad's career job which payed over 3 times the amount he is now making. so, my parents have at least a 3 hour break between pick-ups in the afternoon. They drive over 30 minutes to get to their job (work at the same place). Before gettint this dog, they were going to join the ymca to exercise between their sits. After getting the dog, they instead drive home to take the dog out and make sure she isn't lonely. My parents are overweight. My dad has high blood pressure and has to take medication. So, the exercise would have been good for them.

So, here's my problem: they are obsessed with this dog. I am not nearly obsessed with my own children. They take the dog everywhere, and then complain if the store won't let them bring the dog in (it's a small dog). My own brother is highly allergic to pets, so i have tried to explain that it is inconsiderate for them to take the dog into stores that have rules against it because then everyone would do this making it difficult for people like my brother. They take dog to blockbuster, lowes, etc. Because of the attention of how cute the dog is...my mom is obsessed with talking about the dog, even though i told her politely that i am not a dog person anymore. I don't mean that she says a few things about the dog in a conversation; i mean that she won't stop talking about the dog. I am sick of hearing about the dog. She even tries to make my kids treat the dog as a human; which is against what my husband and i believe. She won't even take the dog out for a walk because she says a hawk will swoop down and carry her away, she'll eat a tree frog and die, another dog will sneak up and pounce on her,etc. We have had dogs my entire life, and my parents have never ever treated any of the dogs like this. My mom was all goofy about 2 years before the last one past away, but nothing compares to this. After the last dog passed, she had her cremated and would talk to me about how she talks to her dead dog and how she put the ashes next to her bed because that's where she slept. This is a dog my parents kept in the garage for about 13 years of her life until i made them bring it into the house. She told my kids that the dog is in heaven,which is against what they were learning in catechism class. I told my kids just to not talk to my mom about the dog, but my mom wouldn't quit digging into my kids what she felt they should believe about dogs. Finally, my two oldest told her that the dog is dead and such. I told my mom she was freaking out my kids and to move on or at least not talk about it in front of them. This is after a year of hearing about the dog that died and about how she still talks to the dog, etc.

Okay, so back to the current situation. I know pwople love their pets, consider them family, some treat them like their child, etc, but how can i get it through to my parents (especially my mom) that i don't think i can handle hearing one more thing about this dog? I have to hear about the dog gaining an ounce or two, the new clothes the dog got, how she got a hold of a peice of paper and almost died, her ear infection, how the dog is feeling that day, etc. I have tried to change the subject, but 2 seconds later, it is back to the dog. I told her bluntly that i don't like dogs (which i guess i stretched the truth because i like dogs, just not her obsession with dogs). I have gotten off the phone when she begins to talk about the dog. I just can't get her to quit. I don't tell her about evry ounce my kids gain,etc. I have thought about bringing up my church evertime she brings the dog up (because she doesn't like the church...so, i try to avoid talking about it with her for that reason). That way, she might see that everytime she brings the dog up, i will bring up something that annoys her. I have tried telling myself maybe she is just lonely and doesn't have too much else, but that only works so long in my head. They live right down the street from us and don't even stop to see my kids because they have to spend time with the dog. When i take my kids down to see them, my mom flips out that the dog is going to get hurt. They followed me down here from ohio; i even suggested to them that maybe they should look in another neighborhood, but they couldn't stand the fact that hubby's family would be closer to the kids than them...but they barely want to see my kids because of the dog! Am i jealous, probably some due to the fact that they care about the dog more than my kids (and no, i am no exaggerating). But mostly, i just don't want to be buying my parents groceries, so they can spend money on spoiling this dog. I don't want to hear about the dog at all. I don't want my kids to believe this nonsense about talking to dead animals or treating the dog as it is a human. I actually got into a fight with my mom because she insisted the dog was human and not an animal. I teach my kids to treat all animals with repect and kindness, but this has just gotten out of hand. I am ready to kidnap the dog and give it away (no, not really, but i just don't want to hear about it or it to be talked about to my kids anymore).

Someone please shed some light on the situation for me, because i simply do not understand.

By the way, my brother just came visiting and he too thinks she is out of control, and both of us like animals.

[Regina]

Oh, and please don't suggest that maybe i take the dog out for them during the day. I do it occassionaly if they can't make it home,but i have enough on my plate with 6 kids and one on the way. So, this is definetly not an option...and dropping the dog off at my house isn't an option either. My mom won't even let my hubby take the dog out...even though he too has had dogs all his life.

[SeatClutcher]

Um, it seems a little over the top even for animal lovers.

Is something missing in their lives?

I have no suggestion for you other than to, as tactfully as possible, tell her you love the dog stories and everything, but you're busy and you don't really have the time to listen to stories about how many turdlettes the dog dropped on its morning walk.

What IS the tactful way to do that?

You should write Ann Landers. Seriously. (Or Dear Abby. Whoever is alive and writing the column.)

[flyershoe]

I consider myself a huge animal lover, as are a lot of my friends... one of my closest girlfriends has been devastated since her dog died and is grieving more like she lost her child.

However, neither her nor any other animal lover I know is that obsessed with talking about their pet!! Like Kristen said, is there something missing in their lives? Has something happened over the past few years that they're trying to make up for by treating this dog like a human?

I think the best thing to do would be to bring this up the next time you talk to her - BEFORE she starts talking about the dog. Make the conversation about your concerns. I would say that if your beliefs are strong about what your children are learning from your mom, then tell her that she won't be able to spend as much/any time with them if she continues to go against your wishes.

Ditto on the Ann Landers or Dear Abby too! There's also Dear Prudence on the Slate who I think is hysterical at times. Hopefully you'll get your question published, then you can cut it out and send it to her.

Is there a chance that your mom may have some mental health issues? My mother has several different disorders and is rather obsessed with her cat... so that could be another contributing factor.

Wish I could help more! Let us know how it goes.

[SeatClutcher]

Honestly, I wouldn't even want to listen to someone talking about their kid to that degree.

[Kristie]

ditto that!

the only thing i can think of is that they need more hobbies, more to do with their lives and might be definitely missing some type of "connection"?

My only suggestion is to see if you can't get them to relate to another hobby...or introduce them to other dog luvers at like a yappy hour or something like that so they can talk to others that can relate to them...that way, maybe they'll talk to those people so much, they'll stop talking "all dog" to you.

i have to admit that their actions are pretty overboard as far as pet families go (IMO).

[katbuad]

Wow. That is extrem. I love my dogs and they are my family but that is just too over the top. I agree with the above posts, there is something missing or there is something more mental with the situation. Maybe our NP can shed some light one the sitation. . .

[Dana]

Originally Posted by katbuad

Wow. That is extrem. I love my dogs and they are my family but that is just too over the top. I agree with the above posts, there is something missing or there is something more mental with the situation. Maybe our NP can shed some light one the sitation. . .

I would agree with everything that has already been stated. It is one thing to love your pet and consider it a family member but to act as if it is a human... I
would have to ask "what is missing in their lives". Likely your dad is going along with your mom... It sounds as if your mom is "projecting" feelings to this animal. Most of the time you see people do this when the last kid leaves the house, goes off to college, a spouse dies, etc. Nothing wrong with loving the animal but when it begins to take over/ interfere with your life, that is where the "psychosis" comes in.

Have you tried just ignoring her when she talks about the dog, or if she asks you a question, you might say, "Gee, I don't know, why don't you ask the dog?"...Good luck with this issue and do let us know what happens!

[Kristie]

i wonder....do you think they'd be a good foster parents? it seems to me that she's craving "youngness" in the home?? if she needs kids to take care of, or someone to take care of..those kids need families??

or maybe they could get into some type of teaching?

just an idea... substitute the dog for a real human!

when i think about it, i think this type of thing might happen to a lot of retirees...they just don't know what to do once the kids move out of the nest and they no longer *have* to work....

[Regina]

No foster parenting for my mom; she was only around for my brother (not me or my 2 sisters). He is by all means the "golden child". For a normal person, that would probably be a good idea, but for her, she won't even baysit unless it is an emergency, and then only for a short time. I thought it was because i have so many kids, but even when i had just 2, she hated doing it so that i could run to the grocery for a gallon of milk. Since hubby was out of town for my doc appointment yesterday, my dad actually came to babysit. My appointment is an hour away, and my mom called a couple of hours later wondering where i was. Hello, it takes at least 2 hours in just a car...and she wasn't the one watching the kids.

Anyway, i tried talking to my dad about it, and he doesn't see the problem with the dog. I, personally, think my mom's side (including me...especially during and post pregnancy) have a type of chemical imbalance that runs in the family. My sister needs to be on medicine, my uncle can't leave his city without having extreme anxiety attacks, i get postpartum, my grandmother acted similar to my mom, etc. My parents don't believe in meds or counseling. When i began thinking back about my grandmother, she treated her dog similarly. She made clothing for the dog, took him everywhere, began to shut herself into her condo, made dinners for the dog and had the dog eat at the kitchen counter,etc.

So, i am convinced that this is some imbalance that my mom has. She has no friends. Aquaintences, yes, but no friends. She isn't so busy that she doesn't have the time; she just makes excuses of why she can't do things if they call. She follows my dad everywherem. If he plays golf, she rides in the cart with him. She doesn't play, but he still has to pay for her because she rides around in the cart. I have tried to get her to join an actvity group or class, but she says she doesn't have the time. Instead, she fantasizes the past of how things were...or should i say, her perception of how things were. I can't figure out where she is coming up with some of the things because things were never like that. She e-mails a friend she use to work with in ohio, but while she was in ohio, she wouldn't even go to lunch with her. Now, she acts as though she has always been the best of friends with this person.

Obviously, there is a problem, but since neither her or my dad want to admit it; i see nothing i can do to help. Even if they did admit it, she wouldn't seek help.

So, i figure i will just continue to change the subject. I will continue to tell her i don't like dogs (a stretch, because i just don't like the treatment of her dog). I will address the issue of my grandmother's odd treatment of her dog, as though grandma was trying to replace some other void in her life and hope my mom sees the similarities. And i will continue to try to take care of myself so that this pattern doesn't repeat itself like it seems like it has been doing.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I really appreciate the input.