sucky Christmas present

[Mistress Trista]

My 21 year old informed me Christmas Eve that I would be a grandma...

I asked if I could take that gift back and exchange it for another one. He's been dating this girl for a long time and she's not really my idea of a girlfriend for him...<sigh> Dh says I have to get over it, that now's the time to be supportive, reguardless. I couldn't sleep that night. I kept tossing and turning, feeling as though his whole life was over now. I was a teenage mom and although he's 21, I still think he's too young. He just bought his dream truck, he'd just begun to save for a house. He lucked out and got a really good job, but it's not THAT good.

I feel so bad for him that even the idea of baby clothes shopping hasn't gotten me out of this slump.

[Bigsweetie]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I think the best thing to do is to be as supportive as you can be though. Hearing "can I take that back and exchange it" probably hurt pretty bad. What's done is done and there's nothing you can do to change it, and neither can they (well, technically they can, but it sounds like they won't).

My brother is 21 also. He just moved in with his girlfriend and i'm hoping (silently) that he doesn't get her pg. But if he did, i'd have to say "congratulations" and hope for the best. That's really all I could do at that point. They're old enough to live with the concequences of their actions... Sometimes big life lessons are learned the hard way. You were a teenage mom and you turned out o.k. I'm sure they'll be fine in the long run. And once you get that baby in your arms, you'll feel bad that you wanted to "exchange" it....

[czechmate]

I wish I had something great to say other than I'm sorry you're going through this.

I was 25yrs old when I found out I was preggers. I was terrified. My mom and dad were surprisingly supportive about the situation and that helped me alot.

Good luck.

Jen

[Regina]

Wow...I don't know what to say. I am very sorry that things aren't what everyone was planning.

I know it wasn't the announcement that you were expecting, but I agree with BigSweetie. What's done is done. You just have to move on from there. It is better to be supportive about it than the other way around.

I am sure that the news is just shocking right now, and I am sure that since you love your son (even if you aren't crazy about the girlfriend), you will move on from the unhappy spot you are in right now and to an excited spot about seeing a new little one again....maybe...?

When he told you, I bet it was hard for him. Did he seem happy, sad, confused, worried, etc.? Maybe you are just taking cue from the way he told you...? If he wasn't happy about it either, than I can see why your reaction was the way it was. Or maybe he is just scarred about it, and wants your support, advice, etc.?

I don't know, good luck, Trista.

[katbuad]

Wow, that is a shocker. Bless your heart, you only want what is best for your son.

Sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong. . . my old boss at work had a similar reaction to her 20 something daughter's pregancy. She has spent the last year trying to repair the damage.

Try to think long term. You want your son and family to still be apart of your family. You will want to hold the baby when it is born. You want to celebrate future Christmases with your grandchild.

Just my two cents, even if you don't feel like it you should try to repair the situation (buy some baby clothes, maturnity clothes for mom). Tell them you were shocked and surprised. You have made your point about how you feel about the situation, now is the time to think way long term. He is after all an adult with a job and a means of support, not a teenager living in your second bedroom.

[Mistress Trista]

All that is true. He seemed a little nervous when he told me. When I said that, he frowned and sighed, "mom." I told him I'd get over it, just give me a day or two. Christmas morning I asked a few questions like when was it due? What did he want, a boy or girl? He wants a boy, but they don't know the due date yet.

I told him my only stipulations were I got to take him or her school clothes shopping every year, (which is what my grandmother did with me) and I get to take him or her to Disney World. He snorted and replied, "Not without me you don't. If my child goes to Disney, I go." LOL. Our family loves Disney...

Dh has set a goal to get him and his girlfriend in a house this year, come hell or high water. Dh wants them out of the apartment, especially now.

The whole idea of being a grandmother still feels strange and I'm still worried about him, but when I went shopping this morning, I couldn't help but look at the baby stuff. Dh told me he knew he couldn't stop me from going overboard, but I should at least wait until it got a little closer...

[ccbegay]

That is a difficult situation, and sometimes situations like that can catch you off guard, and like me I would say something just off the top of my tongue...but a few days for it to 'sink' in is always good, and at least keep your spirits up...

[SeatClutcher]

It must be hard to worry for your kids.

Worse, I think, would be to be the one finding out you're about to be a parent - especially if you weren't quite hoping for something like that just yet.

If he's ready, though, and if he's positive about it, hey! Excellent!

If he isn't, you at least have a lot of experience that will help him through it.

[Bigsweetie]

Originally Posted by Mistress Trista

All that is true. He seemed a little nervous when he told me. When I said that, he frowned and sighed, "mom." I told him I'd get over it, just give me a day or two. Christmas morning I asked a few questions like when was it due? What did he want, a boy or girl? He wants a boy, but they don't know the due date yet.

I told him my only stipulations were I got to take him or her school clothes shopping every year, (which is what my grandmother did with me) and I get to take him or her to Disney World. He snorted and replied, "Not without me you don't. If my child goes to Disney, I go." LOL. Our family loves Disney...

Dh has set a goal to get him and his girlfriend in a house this year, come hell or high water. Dh wants them out of the apartment, especially now.

The whole idea of being a grandmother still feels strange and I'm still worried about him, but when I went shopping this morning, I couldn't help but look at the baby stuff. Dh told me he knew he couldn't stop me from going overboard, but I should at least wait until it got a little closer...

I'm glad that you cleared things up, at least a little. When DH and I announced to my IL's that we were engaged my,now MIL, said "I hope you're not plannin on doing this anytime soon!". BTW-DH and I were 28 years old, college graduates, working in our respective fields and each had our own apartment and paid our own bills. She's just one of those mothers that thinks no one is good enough for her son (not saying that's you).

Anyway, that comment ruined our announcement. She called DH every day for a week and chewed him out about asking me to marry him (to her, DH didn't make enough money and thought i'd get pg immediately after we married). I still resent her for that one comment. I'll probably never forgive her for it. I cried the entire first week of my engagment.

Words CAN hurt deeply and can't be taken back once they're "out there". So just make sure they know that, although you're not happy about the timing, you'll be there for them!

Congrats on being a grandma!! My mom says it's the best thing that's ever happened to her!!!

ETA: you may not like his GF, but remember, she's that baby's mother! Make sure you don't disrespect her in front of her child (i'm sure you wouldn't anyway). Because of my MIL's attitudes, I rarely call her to babysit (something she complains about) and rely a lot more on my own mother. I think that's normal though, for a woman to be more comfortable asking her own mother for help rather than her DH/SO's mom, so prepare yourself for that.

And don't try to take away too many of their "firsts" either. My IL's bought Emily's crib (which we greatly appreciated) but they insisted on putting it together themselves!! That hurt my DH a lot because putting the crib together was something he was looking forward to doing himself!! They also bought Emily's first Christmas dress. I was a little bummed about that, because as her mother, that was something I dreamed of doing since I was a little girl. I'm over it, of course, but at the time I'm like "WTH! Back off lady!" LOL! They only had one child (DH) and I think they thought that Emily was their "second child". But Eric and I are her parents and want to share those "firsts"/"special things" with her as her parents. She's gotten better about not overstepping her bounds and letting DH and I be the parents. She gets to spoil her with affection (and candy) so I think she's good!

[Mistress Trista]

I've always been nice to her, or at least I think I have... I always make sure to tell her hello and give her a hug. I try to include her in conversations. She's very quiet and I'm sure if they need anything, she'll never call me. My son might, but she wouldn't. My mother and my father's mother are extremely close and I always wanted that with my son's wife, but I'm not sure I'll have it with her. Maybe it's something that will come with time.

What your mother in law did could have been because they had a son and with your daughter, she finally had a chance to buy dresses and stuff she couldn't buy for a boy. It's hard to pass on some of those adorable little girl things... But as for putting a crib together. <snort> I may buy it, but by golly they're putting it together...LOL.