Been going back and forth.

[the_woman_99]

I have this friend who I used to be best friends with. We were best friends for probably 8 years when she decided to date someone that I just broke up with. This all happened around 6 years ago just so that everyone knows that it wasn't recent.
I met the guy through her and we were all good friends and then we broke up and they decided to start dating about a week later. It wasn't fun at all. I decided that I didn't like the way my life was headed at the time so I picked up and left to New York. I just wanted to forget about all that happened with her and this guy. She didn't understand what I was upset about. So anyhoo I moved to NY to move on with my life and everything. While I was there they kept asking my mom for my phone number and address. I only know this because of the conversations I would have with my mother.
They decided to get married.
Okay that was fine with me because I had moved on with my life and didn't really care about any of that anymore. After about a year in NY I decided that it was time to come home. As soon as she found out I was back home she came over and wanted to talk about her and her husband. She started telling me all about their sex life and whatever else was going on. Needless to say things were a little weird. I felt like i had moved on with my life and became more mature and what not. These two are the kinds of people who will put you in the middle of there crap and then try to find a way to blame it on you.
I was sitting home one night and the phone rang. I didn't recognize the number but I picked it up anyways. It was the guy that I used to date. He went off on how sorry he was for the way things ended and how he lost a really great friend and what not. Again I really didn't know what. He mentioned that sometime we should go out and I told him that when I got a BF I would let him know so that the 4 of us could go out. He then said that he just wanted us 2 to go out......ummm I think not. I again didn't want to put myself into the middle of whatever was going on with them.
We haven't really kept in touch at all. When she sees me she always mentions that we need to get together to talk and catch up. I really feel like everytime we have talked she hasn't grown up at all and i feel like all she really did want to talk about was her husband. We just didn't have anything in common after all of that happened.
Anyways now I am getting to the part where I need a little advice. I just felt like you had to have a little background first .
I was working on Friday night at my other job and her older sister works at the same place. We were talking about weight and how much I weighed because I recently lost a lot. She then mentioned that her sister, who we will call 'Sarah'; weighs so much now. I asked her how she lost the weight and she asked if I knew what had happened. I told her that I didn't know what she was talking about. She then told me that earlier this summer Sarah found out that her husband was cheating on her with a girl that he met at the gas station. I couldn't beleive what I was hearing. I knew that he was a dirt bag but I didn't think that he would do that to her. She then told me all about how Sarah knew who the girl was because she used to buy her kids Christmas presents and she would take them to the park. Again I couldn't beleive that all of this happenend. Sarah confronted this other woman (who is married and has two small children) and asked her what was going on. They talked about it and Sarah asked if the other woman would step down so that she could try to work things out with her husband. This other woman agreed. I guess that things didn't work out and he told Sarah that in 5 years of marriage he never once was happy. He said a lot of hurtful things to her. He tried to make her so miserable so that she would be the one to leave instead of him.
She has worked as a full-time fire fighter for almost 6 years. He just got hired on full-time in December. He has worked but only side jobs or what not. Not really brining in the main part of the income. When they got married she paid off all of his credit cards, his truck loan and other things like that. They bought a house with mostly her money and then tore the inside apart to fix it up. He handled most of that because he did a lot of construction. He wanted the house but she ended up getting it. I think rightfully so because it was mostly her money. He felt that he deserved it because he did all the work to re-pair it. Mind you all of 'his' tools that he used were bought by her. Anyways I am getting off the subject. He also took 1/2 of her retirement fund. When I heard that I couldn't beleive it because he hadn't had a steady job up until December so he didn't have any retirement at all to split or what not.
She got really depressed and stopped eating and started thinking about suicide. She even wrote notes and everything.
Okay so I have been tossing around the idea of calling her to let her know that I am here if she wants to go to lunch or what not.
Here are the reasons I am hesitating:
I don't know if her sister was supposed to tell me any of this and I don't want her to get in trouble. I think that it would look a little weird if all of a sudden I called her out of the blue to go to lunch.
I wouldn't wish what she is going through on my worst enemy and I can't even begin to understand any of it because I haven't gone through it.
I am also not sure I want to try our friendship again. I don't know if that is the right way to say it or not but I hate fake people. I would rather have no friends then be friends with people who don't really mean it or what not. She is one of those fake kinds of people who has always talked about what she wants or what she is doing and never really wants to hear anything about anyone else.

Yeah I know that right now to say that it might seem really rude but it would be the truth.
I want to be her friend again if I knew that she wasn't the same ol person that she has been everytime we have seen each other in the last 5 years. I can seriously count on my hand the number of times we have seen each other in those last 5 or so years. I want her to know that she can talk to me if she needs anything but I am not sure if that is really what is best right now.
I am trying to find a new job and move out to KY to be with my SO and everything. I don't want to make it seem like I don't have a lot of time but it is the truth.
I have her number and haven't picked it up yet to call and reconnect with her.
What should I do?

[ASLhands]

I would call her. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Would you want her to call you? She didn't do very nice things in the past, but you are both older now and more mature. Reach out to her. Be the better person. Throw some faith into her and see of the friendship can be a more solid and sincere one. I have never experienced something like that either, but I have watched my mom go through similar situations. You could just see the emptiness in her eyes.
As far as calling her and not wanting to "out" her sister. I would just call and say that her sister mentioned that she was going through a hard time. Keep it broad and tell her you were concerned and wanted to see how she was doing.

you said: "I would rather have no friends then be friends with people who don't really mean it or what not. She is one of those fake kinds of people who has always talked about what she wants or what she is doing and never really wants to hear anything about anyone else."

Be the friend that means it. Show her what that type of friend is. If anything, just calling to show you care means a lot. Even if you don't end up being friends again. Just let her know you care. Anyway, that is my advice. That is just what I would do. I've had many friends that I have been so angry with... for years... and reconnected when I or they needed it. To me, that is what a real friend is. Good luck with your decision. It is nice that you are worried about her and care enough to think about this.

[laralen02]

I agree, call her. Just because you give her a little support during a tough time doesn't mean you have to be best friends or anything...it helps to know that people care about you, or are even thinking about you (especially when you're that low).

[Bigsweetie]

I guess i'm in the minority here, but I say let her be.

It sounds like the only reason you want to contact her and "be there" for her is because you feel sorry for her. It's understandable, since she's been through alot, but if your friendship with her is only based on pity (since you said she's immature and "fake"), then who's really being the fake one?

I wouldn't want anyone's friendship or support during a time like that when it was only out of pity, and once the dust settled, would most likely want me out of their life because they never really liked me to begin with. Just my opinion.

If you don't really like her that much as a person, then pray for her, but don't try to rekindle a friendship that your heart isn't truly in.

And I don't think that right now is the time to "see if she's changed". She's going through quite a bit i'm sure and doesn't need to be "tested" so to speak.

Just my opinion....

ETA: quote:"I would rather have no friends then be friends with people who don't really mean it or what not."

Isn't that what you'd be doing to her?

[the_woman_99]

I feel like the only reason I would be contacting her again IS because she is going through this. Otherwise there would really be no reason to talk with her because we haven't talked a lot in the last 5 years.
I did say that I hate 'fake' people and with saying that I don't want to be that 'fake' person in her life. Because they drive me so crazy I avoid being that person at all times. I like my relationships to mean something because they do require a lot of my time.
I agree with you bigsweetie in a lot of what you said. I know that that probably makes me look really bad and makes me seem like a bitch because I don't know how sincere I would come across.
Yes I feel for her for what she is going through. Like I said before I wouldn't wish what happened to her on my worst enemy. I just don't know how much my heart would be in it and I also don't want her to look at me and think the only reason I am contacting her now is to somehow tell her 'I told you so' or what not. Because the person I knew/know would do just that and I really don't want to get in the middle of anything like that.

[Bigsweetie]

Originally Posted by the_woman_99

I feel like the only reason I would be contacting her again IS because she is going through this. Otherwise there would really be no reason to talk with her because we haven't talked a lot in the last 5 years.
I did say that I hate 'fake' people and with saying that I don't want to be that 'fake' person in her life. Because they drive me so crazy I avoid being that person at all times. I like my relationships to mean something because they do require a lot of my time.
I agree with you bigsweetie in a lot of what you said. I know that that probably makes me look really bad and makes me seem like a bitch because I don't know how sincere I would come across.
Yes I feel for her for what she is going through. Like I said before I wouldn't wish what happened to her on my worst enemy. I just don't know how much my heart would be in it and I also don't want her to look at me and think the only reason I am contacting her now is to somehow tell her 'I told you so' or what not. Because the person I knew/know would do just that and I really don't want to get in the middle of anything like that.

I don't think you sound like a bitch at all! You sound alot like me, actually. I hate fake people and wouldn't want a fake relationship in my life. Most people who know me, know how I feel about them. If i don't really like them, I don't associate with them.

You sound like a very caring person, and she'd be lucky to have you in her life... but only if you meant it (which it sounds like you don't).

Don't feel bad, you're a good person. Just pray for her (if you're the praying type). That's the best thing you can do for her.

Smiles!

[laralen02]

Didn't think of it like that. I switch my vote to don't call.

[Amanda]

Gotta go with Tanya (Bigsweetie) on this one!

[Regina]

I'm with Tanya and Amanda....

[ccbegay]

it is a nice gesture, and you can feel sorry for someone, but personally i wouldn't want to be caught up in 'something'...they best you can do is that only the best will work out for her...