[ccbegay]

Well, I am not even sure where to begin, but it seems like BF and I have had a rough couple of weeks, and I just want it to end because it is wearing me out physically and emotionally...

I honestly, can't even say where this all began, but it has to do with money issues/job issues/love issues...for his part, a lot of it has to do with commuting and the overall regional lifestyle...he does not like flying Eagle, or for that fact, doesn't want to do the airline thing at all! So when he's in a sour mood, he brings that home, and that really causes the tension...I totally understand what he is having to go through and try my best to not make everything about 'me', and I do my best to listen, the big concern is just that he comes back with a responce of "no, no you don't you have no idea and really I don't think that you care..." How in the heck does he know that, and how could he say that...that just gets me...

the second factor is, that he has not been back to Eagle since last month...he's been on medication and battling this sickness, not to sure what it is but it's obviously more than the common cold, but that leaves him at the house ALL DAY! His usual pattern is bed about 6/7am, sleep the entire day, and wake up and do it all over again...there are time he's made an effort to get on a 'normal' sleep, but it always fails...so, I come home to hungary animals, Kenzie messing on the rug/or she's destroyed something else, dishes piled in the sink...literally it makes me sick...I have left them there to pile up, but soon little comments like "wow, this kitchen is a mess", "whoa the house is so dirty"...and me being sassy, sounds off "well help me then!!" and really it all goes down from there...he gets defensive, I get defensive...my point is, all I'm looking for is help, to take the initiative and help...his point, is "I pay the rent, would you like to pay the rent?" He did make one comment that really hurt, he said he hated to see me 'floundering' meaning that I am not doing anything...I beg to differ, I worked my butt off to graduate a semester earlly, was able to get a 3.5 last semester, work every weekend, make it home to keep it presentable, now I'm taking 2 graduate classes, and working on getting into grad school...yes, I'm not bringing in the big bucks, but there are COUNTLESS of times where I offer to pay for a bill, or give him money to reduce some of what he pays, but no, he finds it to be an insult and wont' accept it...come on, one second he's complaining of no money and the bills, and the next he won't take my help...
I have taken the initiative to look for another job, something that pays more and more along getting job experience...entry level science jobs are very competitive here in the CLT area, and so I've just been sending out the resumes, but still no luck, and I look everyday...I'm just getting sick of this routine of conflict...

I can be a person to just accept things and go on, but somewhere down the road they always reappear and then it's never good...I have tried the approach of giving him his space and coming back to see if we can fix this issue...but by that point, body language screams "I don't care", "Don't talk to me right now" and there are a few times where he just flat out says "Don't talk..." I don't work like that, don't ignore me and expect things to be alright a couple of days later...

Literally, I'm fed up...I don't deserve to be emotionally 'cut off' and let issues resolve themself, by just ignoring them...

I am not sure what exactly I am looking for, but I can't go to this with anyone really...my best friend is a devote Christian and her resolution is religion, that's just not me at the time...my sister never has seen eye-to-eye with him because of earlier issues...so I sit here, with all this mess, and I just want it solved and out...