Jetgirls.net - View Single Post - To have/not have kids.. how in the world do you make up your

Kristie · 07-17-2004, 02:27 PM

Mind????

I figured I'd bring this to a new thread since i didn't want to take away from Ambers "New Baby On The Way" thread...

Barbara said "Doug's saying he'll have them if you want them... is that new, or has he always said that? Maybe he's worried about what kind of dad he'll be & wants you to decide that it's a good thing & reassure him that it will all be ok, and that he'll be a great dad. My DH wanted kids, but he was still nervous since both sets of our parents suck, so neither of us had a lot of good examples to draw from. One thing is that we had a LOT of examples of what NOT to do. We aren't our parents.

You can tell me to go leap off a bridge... but from what I've been reading you write lately, it's my opinion that YOU WANT KIDS! I think you'll be great - you seem so caring, supportive & positive. That's a good majority of what kids need, right there. And you can handle the part time single parent thing, too. And hey, you have us!"

and then Michelle added "Kristie I have to agree that you have been talking about kids a lot, and I hope this doesn't come out wrong--it's fine if you talk about them all day long!!! But it seems to me that it's been MORE lately, so I was also wondering if you were really starting to want to, or at least thinking about if you wanted to. You can tell me to mind my own business if you want but it was an observation. I have to say, to me at least, I think it's very possible to get older and older and regret NOT having kids, but I can not IMAGINE having kids and regretting it!!!! Some people probably do, if they weren't mature enough or if it was an accident I guess, but even in those cases I don't think those people would ever wish to actually not have the kid, KWIM? So what my point is, you might find yourself 45, childless, and really wishing you had kids, but I don't think you will ever find your self 45, with a kid or two, and wishing you didn't have any! And the longer you wait, the harder it gets. I have a friend that had no intenetion of ever having kids, got pg on the pill, and while she doesn't want any more then that because of her age, she can not imagine not having her baby and she is so glad it happened!

Oh, and BTW--just for your info--women that have had a child by the age of 30 reduce the risk of ovarian cancer by over 60%, women that have one by 35 reduce it by like 40%, and so on. And women that have had 4 or more also reduce it by over 60%. Or something like that. Sorry I am too lazy to find the actual numbers"
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Thanks girls! I would never say "mind your own business" or "jump off a bridge" because I value constructive critisizm and openness in thinking/opinions...you just never know when/if someone will say something that gives you that "that totally makes sense, why didn't i think of that" feeling! so - THANKS for the input!! really!! it is good to know that you feel comfortable enough talk and let it ALL hang out! I feel good in knowing that I have you guys to open my eyes sometimes (we all help eachother with that don't we?!)! haha [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

I have been talking kids more often, I'm just still not sure I want them...because....

for one thing, doug's always said that, he'd rather not be a dad after all that he's learned in the past few years....big "block" is mainly from NOT seeing or knowing that many "good" parental examples (my parents weren't that great, his were ok), we don't know many couples that have kids and the ones we do know live outside of town, so we're never really around kids (we currently do have some friends in town that are pregnant though)...he flys with some pilots that think going to work is a "vacation" away from home.. he also flys with pilots that have nothing but their kids to talk about and he doesn't want that either (he says: people need to keep their hobbies too when they have kids) and he has things he wants to do besides having kids (as do I).. so when he says "if you want kids, we'll have kids" that's what he means. Having kids doesn't wreak havoc on him like it does me because he doesn't have to worry about being prenant and about being the mommy (he's admitted to that)...in his eyes, he's not the one "having" the kid, I am.. so it's no big emotional roller coaster for him which makes it even easier for him to say "if you want them, we'll have them, it's really up to you"...so with that attitude, I'm all up in the air.

so if I were to go up to him and tell him we're having kids or we're expecting -> he'd probably just shrug his shoulders and go "ok" as if it's no big deal...but then he'd probably get really nervous with the whole "I didn't really want to be a dad" concept.. cuz he really kinda doesn't want kids (only if I want them)...

but the reason I'm thinking about it more is because every friend (except 2) I've got (including my sister) have kids or are currently having kids. i'm turning 35 next week and I always told myself when I was young(er) that the baby making stops at 35 because of the amnio test and the increase in breast cancer rates and downs syndrome....

Granted, Doug and I both know that if we had kids, they'd probably be some good looking kids (with the mixed colors)...plus we KNOW we'd be good parents because of the way we think, do things, or morals/values - we've seen enough bad examples to know what not to do etc etc...

I just can't make up my mind based on the "if you want kids, we'll have kids" because I honestly don't want to bring a kid into the world if dad doesn't really want to be a dad even if i do *think* i want kids... and I'm not that sure I'd be good with single parenting and with our lives as pilot wives, that's exactly what it would be like?! right?! I wouldn't mind quitting my job though! hahahaha

People say "don't you want kids so you can have someone come visit you when your old" and "so you can leave something behind"... well, kids don't really come visit you when your old, it's more like they *have* to take care of you... you become more of a burden to them IMO (just by watching my own family as they get old(er))...and what if the kid turns doesn't turn out to be a good person?

so considering how i was brought up (you know parents - they tell ya "you'll grow up and have a family of your own someday"...)...and then thinking that when the kids are teens, they hate ya and your grandkids never come to visit you anyways..and if you have one, you have to have 2 because kids need siblings (which is what i would defintely do)...blah blah blah...we just keep thinking "nah, we're not gonna have kids"...

see my predicament? one things for sure, i need to give myself some peace of mind and just make a decision - which today.. it's still no unless it just "happens"!! hahaha

07-17-2004, 02:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
Kristie Admin/Owner Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Scottsdale, Arizona Posts: 6,720 Recipes: Thanks: 7 Thanked 17 Times in 17 Posts	To have/not have kids.. how in the world do you make up your Mind???? I figured I'd bring this to a new thread since i didn't want to take away from Ambers "New Baby On The Way" thread... Barbara said "Doug's saying he'll have them if you want them... is that new, or has he always said that? Maybe he's worried about what kind of dad he'll be & wants you to decide that it's a good thing & reassure him that it will all be ok, and that he'll be a great dad. My DH wanted kids, but he was still nervous since both sets of our parents suck, so neither of us had a lot of good examples to draw from. One thing is that we had a LOT of examples of what NOT to do. We aren't our parents. You can tell me to go leap off a bridge... but from what I've been reading you write lately, it's my opinion that YOU WANT KIDS! I think you'll be great - you seem so caring, supportive & positive. That's a good majority of what kids need, right there. And you can handle the part time single parent thing, too. And hey, you have us!" and then Michelle added "Kristie I have to agree that you have been talking about kids a lot, and I hope this doesn't come out wrong--it's fine if you talk about them all day long!!! But it seems to me that it's been MORE lately, so I was also wondering if you were really starting to want to, or at least thinking about if you wanted to. You can tell me to mind my own business if you want but it was an observation. I have to say, to me at least, I think it's very possible to get older and older and regret NOT having kids, but I can not IMAGINE having kids and regretting it!!!! Some people probably do, if they weren't mature enough or if it was an accident I guess, but even in those cases I don't think those people would ever wish to actually not have the kid, KWIM? So what my point is, you might find yourself 45, childless, and really wishing you had kids, but I don't think you will ever find your self 45, with a kid or two, and wishing you didn't have any! And the longer you wait, the harder it gets. I have a friend that had no intenetion of ever having kids, got pg on the pill, and while she doesn't want any more then that because of her age, she can not imagine not having her baby and she is so glad it happened! Oh, and BTW--just for your info--women that have had a child by the age of 30 reduce the risk of ovarian cancer by over 60%, women that have one by 35 reduce it by like 40%, and so on. And women that have had 4 or more also reduce it by over 60%. Or something like that. Sorry I am too lazy to find the actual numbers" __________________________________________________ __________ Thanks girls! I would never say "mind your own business" or "jump off a bridge" because I value constructive critisizm and openness in thinking/opinions...you just never know when/if someone will say something that gives you that "that totally makes sense, why didn't i think of that" feeling! so - THANKS for the input!! really!! it is good to know that you feel comfortable enough talk and let it ALL hang out! I feel good in knowing that I have you guys to open my eyes sometimes (we all help eachother with that don't we?!)! haha [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] I have been talking kids more often, I'm just still not sure I want them...because.... for one thing, doug's always said that, he'd rather not be a dad after all that he's learned in the past few years....big "block" is mainly from NOT seeing or knowing that many "good" parental examples (my parents weren't that great, his were ok), we don't know many couples that have kids and the ones we do know live outside of town, so we're never really around kids (we currently do have some friends in town that are pregnant though)...he flys with some pilots that think going to work is a "vacation" away from home.. he also flys with pilots that have nothing but their kids to talk about and he doesn't want that either (he says: people need to keep their hobbies too when they have kids) and he has things he wants to do besides having kids (as do I).. so when he says "if you want kids, we'll have kids" that's what he means. Having kids doesn't wreak havoc on him like it does me because he doesn't have to worry about being prenant and about being the mommy (he's admitted to that)...in his eyes, he's not the one "having" the kid, I am.. so it's no big emotional roller coaster for him which makes it even easier for him to say "if you want them, we'll have them, it's really up to you"...so with that attitude, I'm all up in the air. so if I were to go up to him and tell him we're having kids or we're expecting -> he'd probably just shrug his shoulders and go "ok" as if it's no big deal...but then he'd probably get really nervous with the whole "I didn't really want to be a dad" concept.. cuz he really kinda doesn't want kids (only if I want them)... but the reason I'm thinking about it more is because every friend (except 2) I've got (including my sister) have kids or are currently having kids. i'm turning 35 next week and I always told myself when I was young(er) that the baby making stops at 35 because of the amnio test and the increase in breast cancer rates and downs syndrome.... Granted, Doug and I both know that if we had kids, they'd probably be some good looking kids (with the mixed colors)...plus we KNOW we'd be good parents because of the way we think, do things, or morals/values - we've seen enough bad examples to know what not to do etc etc... I just can't make up my mind based on the "if you want kids, we'll have kids" because I honestly don't want to bring a kid into the world if dad doesn't really want to be a dad even if i do think i want kids... and I'm not that sure I'd be good with single parenting and with our lives as pilot wives, that's exactly what it would be like?! right?! I wouldn't mind quitting my job though! hahahaha People say "don't you want kids so you can have someone come visit you when your old" and "so you can leave something behind"... well, kids don't really come visit you when your old, it's more like they have to take care of you... you become more of a burden to them IMO (just by watching my own family as they get old(er))...and what if the kid turns doesn't turn out to be a good person? so considering how i was brought up (you know parents - they tell ya "you'll grow up and have a family of your own someday"...)...and then thinking that when the kids are teens, they hate ya and your grandkids never come to visit you anyways..and if you have one, you have to have 2 because kids need siblings (which is what i would defintely do)...blah blah blah...we just keep thinking "nah, we're not gonna have kids"... see my predicament? one things for sure, i need to give myself some peace of mind and just make a decision - which today.. it's still no unless it just "happens"!! hahaha